content: Share15 Comments30 Top  Post is archived  MortimerMcMirenonjelqable flatland • 1y  Speaking of my pants, I guess I should mention my looks and the way I dress. Well suffice it to say, I looked like a total freak! I looked like 80 different social outcasts, each with their own unique clown uniform vying for control over my daily clothes and style. Since I was so socially unconscious and unaware, I wore army green combat boots with huge extended tongue flaps and four inch modded maxed out metal spike attachments randomly affixed around them, combined with full heavy cloak style camouflage fatigues and a huge custom chrome armor gauntlet on one day, and a holographic gangster Tiny Toons t-shirt, blue tarp cut into a rudimentary form of pants on another day. My dad was an employee for the city as a garbage man, so whenever he got off work he let me dig through his haul for the day to see if there was anything that tickled my fancy or floated my boat, usually clothes, so I built an extensive collection that way. No matter how hard I tried, though my outfits never impressed the way I imagined as I put together my getups, try as you may that garbage smell is hard to get out of my custom Yama Yugi Yugioh printed crop-top drop-crotch bundled pantsuit. It just wasn't the same when it was covered in unwashable lasagna stains. My mother was a housewife with little to do except watch a whole shitload of TV, organize and arrange my dad's yellow pages archives, and clean the house, so she gave me lots of cool fashion tips and helped me mend together all of my dad's junk and also trash he got for me. So my weekends in high school were typically broken down like this: Friday I come rushing home after school and my dad would take his industrial garbage washing hose and spray me down in the front yard to get all the Gogurt and mayonnaise and all the other heavy creams and sauces my classmates and teachers doused me with in school hours. Of course I would lie and tell dad that I was a messy eater, whoops, or that today was food fight day, dad, I didn't get bullied, it was just food fight day at school. And he would just shake his head and spray away. And then I would go inside and pretend to do my homework. The process of pretending to do my homework or late work or makeup work ended up taking much more time and effort than actually just doing it in the first place. I would go into my room and I would put up my Scooby Doo "Do not disturb" poster on my door so my mom wouldn't bother me, and I would put on study music, which was actually part of a playlist of low quality mp3 files downloaded off of Limewire from searching "classical music songs". I would do this to cover up the sound of what I was really doing, which was strictly regimented daily jelqing to increase the size of my member.