content: I've always had a way of accidentally upsetting people. I’ve always had a way of accidentally upsetting people. Embarrassing incidents of this go back in a contiguous sequence spanning back to age 4. From my Sunday School presentation entitled “Why God Hates the Mud People” in kindergarten to my recent awkward one-sided text conversations with my female coworkers about alien cover-up conspiracies.   I don’t really mean to do it. I think I may have drank too much tap water or something when I was still developing. When I was a young buck - about eighteen years old, my stepdad decided it was time for me to stop cranking my pecker to my Tengen Gachi-Gachi Hakumuyo H-Manga collection and get a job. I had never done any intense labor in my life that didn’t involve a Cheeto dust encrusted controller or a bottle of Jergens, so I had no idea what to expect on an actual job site. I was socially awkward, and despite my right hand’s impressive grip strength had the handshake of a sickly Victorian handmaid. This deeply upset my stepfather, who had the following Perfect Life Strategy planned for me: Become the High School Quarterback -> Enlist in the US Army -> Buy a used Ford Mustang EcoBoost with Enlistment Bonus Not wanting to upset my him, I began hitting the streets in search of a promising career. I borrowed $20 in gas money from my mom and I set out the door to prove my independence. They didn't believe in me. They didn't think I'd ever amount to anything. But now I'm the Day Shift Assistant manager at my local McDonald's. The world is my oyster.