I have been directly/indirectly involved in atrocities against innocents. I never once used the excuse 'following orders'. I wasn't even military but there isn't much distinction in some areas. I think this explains a lot of what I am dealing with in my own mind. I have lost most of my ability to experience joy. I have lost all my desires. All of my functioning now is purely out of some kind of duty that I am trying to develop as I go along. I am still able to feel anger, and perhaps more anger than I even felt as an angry teen. I have less impulsive anger, and it is more focused, and I have learned that I lash out inappropriately due to a relatively low emotional IQ versus my functioning analytical IQ which is very high. And there is always the thought I did this to myself, or I have always been different. [my brain has always been different] But what I recently described last week as "Ennui" is what I have. Loss of Patriotism. Loss of desire. Loss of purpose, of self.