Hamplanets at my school Part 4 I apologize for inconsistent naming yet again. This story isn't about a polisci class. It's about my calculus class. So this semester has basically been me learning balance in my life. As a freshman college kind of came as a shock and I discovered that my general laziness was not gonna go well there and I tanked my GPA and my standing with the Honors College. So something snapped in my brain and I decided to pull myself up by my bootstraps and started studying and doing my work and (not surprisingly) I currently have all A's which hopefully will save my scholarship and my standing with the Honors College. Now I don't consider myself religious, but if God exists, then I think this thing that he decided to make me orbit was a punishment for the aforementioned laziness. Today FPH, I tell you about Fatrick. Fatrick was in my Calculus A class last semester AND this semester. The same class two semesters in a row. I probably deserved it because I didn't do any of the homework or pay attention in class whatsoever. I felt a bit better about myself because my grade was better than his, but that was just a counterfactual designed to make me complacent in my terrible habits. Fatrick is a low functioning autistic. I wouldn't normally talk about people like that if he weren't an obnoxious ass.  My very first encounter with Fatrick was during orientation. I'm local and I was hanging out with some football players from my high school who also go here. After a day of orientation activities it was time for dinner. They set up a self serve buffet style dinner where you could get hamburgers, cheeseburgers, sloppy joes (ugh) and fries. So I just got myself a cheeseburger and a few fries and I sat and ate with my friends from the football team from my high school. We were just sitting and chatting at the table and there were other small groups of people talking amongst themselves. And then, in comes Fatrick. He screeched, "Hey guys! Look what I got! Double double cheeseburgers!" He waddled over and sat down near us and he snarfed down what I saw were two cheeseburgers with two patties and slices of cheese each. Then he practically shoveled all of the fries into his mouth and I wanted to vomit. Then he went back for seconds... I overheard one of the sweet old black ladies who works for dining services remark, "Oh, we got A LOT of ones like that here." Just sighing. He told us he was a quantum physics major and I wasn't surprised. Autistic people tend to be intensely interested in something to the detriment of everything else in their lives. There was an extra curriculars fair after that. Walked around with the shitlords from high school and we all looked around at a few of the activities. The President of one of the frats was trying to recruit us. He was an awesome guy and I was kinda interested but I ultimately decided against it. Fatrick walks by and the President and the President said, "Oh wow, that's the guy who has been going to all the tables and been asking them annoying questions about their club." Fatrick and the president of the Panhellenic Council started talking and they got along great. The Panhellenic President was also a planet. The President of the frat who was talking to us said that everyone hated the guys on the panhellenic council because they're sad guys with no friends who ruin everyone else's fun. Orientation was over and I went back to my house. A few weeks later was the beginning of school. I met my best friend Evan on day one and pretty much connected instantly. We did some of the new student events we saw Fatrick at one. We simultaneously got this look of instant dread on our faces when he approached us. He started talking about Pokemon GO like it was the newest hottest thing when in actuality it was about a week away from falling totally out of fashion. Evan and I knew we were gonna be in for a long year. So the planet was in my Cal A class and in Evan's chemistry class. When it came to the first test on derivatives I didn't do well on that one. I think I made a C+. Fatrick made a 29. His grade was so low that in an unprecedented move the prof decided to allow him to retake the test. The second time he made between a 40 and a 49 on it. It became evident that Fatrick was not as smart as he had made himself out to be. In Evan's chem class he was just as annoying. One day he asked Evan for help with a net ionic problem. There were like 6 due before their class that evening and Fattrick had only done 2 by the time he saw Evan. Evan tried helping him but he quickly saw that Fatrick had done number 1 wrong. Every time Evan tried to point out Fatrick's mistake, Fatrick would reply "But I did number 1!!!" in a screech. Eventually Evan just said, "NO YOU DIDN'T!" Fatrick REEEEd. Then came the first group assignment in Cal. It was a worksheet we had to work together on a Friday. Fatrick came in late to class in what he slept in. He loudly said, "Wow! One of the awesome things about college is that you can come to class in your pajamas and no one will care!" Everyone in his group (which unfortunately included me) just cringed and sighed. We basically had to work with each other and ignore Fatrick in order to get the worksheet done. Fatrick kept acting like he knew exactly what to do and he would tell both the prof and the peer-helper that they were wrong and he knew what to do. At the end of that ordeal he took a kid's pencil without permission and then used it to scratch his crotch. He then gave it back to the kid and the kid told me he was going to burn it.  Fatrick is always dressed in ill-filtting clothes which means we have to see the mass of lard which is his stomach if he moves slightly. You can also see bulging blood vessels on the sides of his stomach, as well as stretch marks.  Then there was the day of the first Presidential debate. I mentioned in another post I am a Democrat, so I helped out with the College Democrats' table. The GOP didn't set up until later in the evening before the debate, so we were out there alone most of the day recruiting people. Fatrick came by after Cal and asked us "Where's the other side? Both sides have to be out for it to be fair." I told him that it was their decision to set up when they want. He seemed confused and then waddled away. He came up later in the evening and the campus GOP still hadn't set up. He accused me of suppressing their free speech and I smiled and jokingly said that they weren't as dedicated as us. He waddled away a bit. Then he turned around and took a step forward and acted like he was going to say something. Then he turned back around and decided to waddle away again. He showed up to our bipartisan showing of the debate and looked incredibly shocked to find out that the leaders of the College Democrats and the College Republicans were friends. He didn't seem to get that policy nerds can disagree and also enjoy talking to people about the issues. Fatrick also just looks generally unwashed and dirty most of the time. Very unkempt.  Those were my stories from the Fall semester but I have some more from this one. So here I am, retaking Cal A in the Spring. I'm in class early with all my materials ready to take notes and pay attention and make an A in the class -- but then in comes Fatrick. He sat right in front of me. He loudly farted, which didn't do anything to make the stench of his body more bearable. As soon as he gets in, he starts talking to me and Derrick -- another fat who flunked Cal A -- about how he is going to ace this class, because somehow failing a class indicates that you're super awesome at it. Fortunately on subsequent days of class, Derrick decided to sit in front of me so that Fatrick would be unable to. Unfortunately Derrick also has a stench to him, but his is more bearable and I can only smell it when he is standing right next to me.  Both Evan and Fatrick progressed in chemistry and took the next class in the sequence. Unfortunately Fatrick was also in Evan's class. On the day of the safety spiel, the TA said that someone had written "Dank Memes" on one of the things that they handed out to everyone. Evan and the class kinda chuckled a bit until Fatrick said, "OH YEAAH! MEME CULTURE 2016!" despite it being 2017. In Cal the time came around for the first group worksheet. Fatrick was in my group again. Fuck. More complaining and simultaneously acting like he knew what to do better than everyone else. He starts touching my worksheet with his greasy grubby fingers and I slapped his hand and I finally snapped at him, "FATRICK! I CAN'T EVEN HEAR MYSELF THINK OVER HOW LOUD YOU ARE!" He whimpered, nearly cried and said, "Sorrreeeee!" but he didn't mean it. We took the derivatives test shortly after and I made a 92 on it but I know I could have made a 100 if I had checked my work and remembered that the domain for trig functions is from -pi/2 to pi/2. Fatrick made a D on the test... The THIRD time he took it. So far this semester Fatrick has put on the facade of having turned over a new leaf but it is so easy to see through. He comes to class late every day and then decides to loudly apologize to our prof while she's teaching and we're taking notes. Every time is the last time it's going to happen but it never is. He acts like he's doing all his work but he isn't. For some reason he might think I'm his friend and he told me how stressed he is from all the homework but in reality it's a reasonable amount, he's just not doing it. Derrick also tries to tell me that Fatrick is really a smart guy, he just doesn't apply himself. It's just bullshit. Like how obeasts claim they only eat 1400 calories a day or something Derrick is claiming that Fatrick has been doing all of his homework. Never trust a fat kids.