I Also Have Ham Neighbors Let's get the photos out of the way: https://sli.mg/a/fXjwcN 1) Their yard. So yeah, no HOA in our 'hood, which is why we chose to live here. Most people have really nice, well manicured lawns. And then we have...that. The backyard is worse. Littered with pieces of wood, lattices, 2 sheds (one has a roof that is caving in), children's toys and numerous items that collect rain water which is a fucking breeding ground for mosquitoes.  2) The actual hams. I've only seen the wife/mother from my backyard and she is human sized. We moved in on April 20th. Not long after that, the father & son showed up at our door. I wasn't home but my husband was. They had cookies (of course). Their exchange went something like this: Fat Dad (FD): So do y'all have kids? Do you go to church? We sure are lookin' forward to comin' over and usin' that fire pit you got thur in yer backyard! My Husband (MH): Uh..no, we don't have kids. (He didn't get into specifics about how not only do we not have kids, we don't like kids, don't want kids and I am unable to have kids because NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS). We...don't go to church as often as we probably should. (Not what I would have said, but ok) Fat Son (FS): Well y'all are welcome to come to church with us anytime! My mom keeps kids so iffin y'all have some you'll have a baby-sitter right down the street! (explains all the crap in the backyard). She also drives an uber so if you call one, you might get her! HARHARHARHAR FD: Yeah, I'm on disability and little Tommy here messed his back up a few years ago... FS: Yeah my physical therapist says I can't lift more than 20lbs so I'm on disability too. (MH says he thought JFC dude, you lift more than 20 lbs every time you get out of bed in the morning) (Let me interject. You have your wife/mom working TWO jobs to support your fatasses and one of you is UNDER the age of 30 and pushing 450 lbs. Better start saving up for funeral expenses) MH: Oh...well..uh...my wife...isn't home right now. She's a realtor. She works from home.. FD: Oh, we know! We were waiting on her to get home so we could meet both of ya! We've really been lookin' forward to meetin' yer wife! At this point my husband realizes that these dipshits have been watching me during the day. And he starts to get a little annoyed. One of our cats makes a move to dart out the front door.... FS: KITTY! Y'all have cats? We've got 4 dachshunds! MH: (jokingly) Big dogs then, huh?  FS: (confused) No...they are little dogs...(holds hands about 2 feet apart) they're only about that big.  MH realizes they don't get sarcasm FS: You know, the guy who owned this house 2 owners ago said I could have those pavers around yer flower bed there.  MH: Well, you're more than welcome to have them, our landscaper has a plan and I don't think it includes them. FS: Oh wow, ok! Oh. One problem. How am I going to get them home? MH: Gee. I don't know. That's a real problem, isn't it.  FS: Also, just so you know, it's illegal to not have a handrail on your steps. It's the law. You gotta have one.  (No. No it's not. This is private property and I don't have to do jackshit to cater to your fatasses. And if my not having a handrail keeps you from coming back, even better) The conversation went on for about 20 minutes, with them telling MH all about their health problems, how FD met his wife at the bus stop where the burger king used to be? and how they were really lookin' forward to meetin' his wife! harharharhar MH relays all of this to me when I get home. His words: "Be forewarned. They will be back."  Next day, I'm sitting at my kitchen table with a towel on my head, finishing some work before I get ready to go get my tattoo worked on. I see a motion out of my back window. I look up and see two fat fucks lumbering through my gate into my backyard. At this point, I am PISSED. It's one thing to come to the door off my carport, but to come into my gate, that's a whole other story.  I get up, answer the door and it's FD. He's out of breath from WALKING FROM HIS CAR (because they drove 2 doors down from their house) and using the handrail to pull himself up my back steps. Which is why he came to the back door- it has a handrail.  FD: Hi! Can you tell MH that he can put all that cardboard from y'alls move into that ther dumpster next door? I checked with the guy who owns it and he says it's fine. ME: Yep.  FD: Ok, well tell him he's got to do it tonight cause they are taking the dumpster away in the mornin' so he's gotta get it in there tonight.... ME: I got it. If he doesn't get it in there tonight, we will take it to the recycling center.  FD: Ok but tell him he's gotta get it in there tonight.. ME: I GOT IT. (go to close the door) FD: You weren't home the other night when we stopped by I'm- ME: I know who you are. I'm working and have somewhere to be in 30 minutes.  And I slammed the door in their faces and locked it. MH says if they DO come back, it will be to comment on how his wife is a piece of work amirite? hurhurhur.  3) I was grilling veggies on Sunday evening, watching the bunnies in the yard that separates us (Thank you, FSM) from the hambeasts, just relaxing and thinking about how much I love asparagus (seriously, I can eat a pound of it by myself) and I hear... "PEEEEEAAANUT! PEEEEAANUT! HERE BOY! HEEEERRE PEEEAANUT!"  I look over and it's FS. Standing on his back steps, without a shirt on, yelling for his dog. He sees me look over and starts arching his back and stretching his arms over his head, in an attempt to look....well, I can't say manly because honestly, his tits are bigger than mine. Then he starts scratching his gut and running his palm down his chest. I'm thoroughly disgusted by this point and have turned back to face the grill. He stands out there for another 5 minutes or so, rubbing his fleshy, drooping gut and calling for his dog (that I'm pretty sure had already gone back in the house because their backyard isn't that fucking big).  4) So yeah, I'm a realtor. Sometimes it's fun to look up what your neighbors paid (hey, it's all public info, you just have to know how to do it) on their house and what they owe....these people have taken out $300k in home equity lines over the last 10 years on a house that MIGHT be worth $99k. And I guarantee it wasn't for improvements to the inside. I'm not sure where the money went, unless that wheelchair ramp is reinforced with titanium alloy or some shit. My guess is that since FD & FS can't work, the money went towards keeping the family fed. Summer should be interesting, when I start doing yard work in sports bra & shorts, showing my giant Baphomet tattoo on my stomach (not to mention all the shit I've got elsewhere on my body), complete with flanking skulls (No, I don't worship Satan, it's a long story and part of a whole long journey I've been on over the last 2+ years). I've already ridden my bike past their house a couple of times in shorts & sports bra and gotten really confused looks. We moved here for several reasons, one being that the n'hood is transitioning very quickly and property values are increasing very, very fast. I hate to tell them- we are the new normal.  Also, 'MURICA! GO TRUMP! (HURHURHUR)