Tales from Healthcare. I figured I could entertain you guys a little, given that I've been in healthcare nearly a decade, I've had plenty of experience with hams ranging from the merely portly to a 900 lb behemoth who's fat stomach had pressure ulcers from sitting on his fat knees. But today I'm going to tell you about a fatty no longer with us, let's call him Bloaty. Bloaty was in his 40s when I first met him, for what would regular occurrences.  He already weighed 400 lbs.  He'd eat shitty salty food, gain fluid weight because his overworked heart couldn't take that shit and had had a few heart attacks already.  So he'd come in, get dried out with meds, go home and do the same fucking thing. On this first admission, he was placed in a 4 bed room with 3 other patients.  The first complaints was from the families asking us to close his curtain, because he'd splay his obeast legs out, and his gut rolls were too big for the gown to cover his torso, so his tiny shrunken dickhead was peeking out for the world to see. Curtains drawn. Then came the farting... To say it was offensive would drastically understate the level of stench here.  The other families in the room complained, and with good reason.  Walking into the cloud of vapor emitted from his cavernous asscheeks was sufficient to gag healthcare workers, a feat not easily accomplished.  It smelled like something had died in his intestines and never left, just putrified in his gut, emitting noxious odors he himself was, amazingly, immune to. So Bloaty got a private room.  Which became the standard of care for him.  Because he stunk too bad. Bloaty also couldn't wipe himself, and preferred, rather than going to the toilet, to just shit himself in bed. This disgusting hamplanet gained 10-15 lbs per admission, reaching a final weight of 500 lbs before death.  But he didn't let that stop him.  When he wasn't in the hospital, he would regularly call the local fire department to hoist his fat ass out of his house and into his car.  Some of my coworkers reported that he could be seen cruising the local down town cat calling women from his car.  Because he thought he was hot shit. One night, while caring for him, I found him watching Deal or No Deal.  As he watched the show, he told me which of the supermodels with suitcases he would or wouldn't bang.  As if any of them would even TOUCH him.  Later that night while cleaning his ass (with two people helping to roll him in bed), I found a sunshine cracker package wedged between his cheeks.   I'll never know if he sat on it, or ate the wrapper and crapped it out, because he was dead by his 50s. But hey... HAES.