Usted tiene una cara como puerco! -- how 9-year-old me shitladied my fat aunt courtesy of Leave it to Beaver! I was born in 1960 and grew up watching (and loving!) old reruns of Leave it to Beaver. There was one episode where Beaver (the younger naive little brother -- the titular star of the show) was being schooled by an older kid who had just moved into Beaver's neighborhood. This older kid spoke Spanish and this piqued Beaver's curiosity. So Beaver asked this kid to teach him how to say something in Spanish. The kid taught him the phrase (and I still remember it to this day because I memorized it along with Beaver) "Usted tiene una cara como puerco." and told Beaver to go up to this fat girl and say that to her. Beaver asked him what it meant and the kid lied and said it was a compliment. So Beaver goes up to the girl and says it and everyone sniggers and the fat girl runs away in tears. (I guess she understood Spanish too.) When Beaver asked the kid why the girl ran away crying, he burst out laughing and said, "You just told her she has a face like a pig!". I thought it was hilarious and couldn't wait to use this cool new phrase on someone in my life. So I became that older mean kid and waited until Thanksgiving a few weeks later, when our Aunt made her annual pilgrimage to our house with her kids (my three cousins). The youngest of those three cousins was a girl who had two older brothers. I was nine years old and she was five. At one point during her visit, I called her aside and told her I learned a cool new phrase in Spanish and I was going to teach it to her and she could go up to her Mom and say it and everyone would think she is cool too for speaking Spanish. I should probably mention at this point that my Aunt was a fucking PLANET, especially for those times (this was 1969). At that point in my young life, she was the ONLY fat person I had ever seen in person and I used to gawk at her when she visited. She kind of scared me, even, because it was mind-boggling to me how a single person could be so gargantuan. I felt kind of sorry for my cousins because I figured they were embarrassed by their mother -- I know it would have mortified me if my own mother showed up at school events looking like a swollen pig. But I was also an asshole and all I cared about was re-creating that delicious scene I had watched on TV. When my cousin asked what it meant I told her it meant her mother was pretty. Teehee. Finally after I insisted that my cousin rehearse the sentence over and over and I figured she was as close to getting it right as she was going to be, the big moment came. The plan was that she was going to venture upstairs where the grownups were sitting around the table talking, approach her mother, and show off her newfound Spanish abilities. Needless to say, chaos ensued. The rest of us cousins were gathered at the bottom of the stairs, straining to hear it go down. We heard the adults talking, then silence, then, "What?!! What are you trying to say?" from my Aunt. A brief silence again while my cousin apparently repeated herself, then... "Reeeeeeeee! Who taught you that?! That is very rude and don't you ever say that again! Reeeeeeeee!" Little cousin is now thoroughly confused and in trouble so she comes running back downstairs. I grabbed her and said, "Did you tell them who taught you?" and she said, "No! They got mad!". My (human-sized) mother came storming downstairs next. "What are you all doing down here?!" she bellowed. Knowing my mother's temper, I kept a low profile and no one else said anything either. She wasn't really in the mood to get to the bottom of it so she just said, "Knock it off and stop being so mean!", then thankfully she left to rejoin the other adults. It was a close call and to this day when I look back on that event I am still amused at how my natural shitlady tendencies have been around from an early age... I just didn't know what it was called yet or how important it was going to be some day to continue my shitlady ways because by 2016 hams like my memorable Aunt are a dime a dozen. Good times...