Fats Ruin Nice Table Spread in .000045 Seconds Hello shitlords and shitladies!  I'm on summer vacation from college, and I got a part time job as a food runner at a popular sports bar near campus. Today, the bar was hosting a party for a local food review news letter's staff, with part of the deal being the staff taking pictures of my restaurant's food, reviewing what they had, and writing an article on us . Win/Win, right?  Wrong.  Because there were hams involved.  I work for a solid half hour arranging the plates of food among the different centerpieces. The food took close to an hour and a half to prepare, so the cooks are pretty excited when I'm nearing the end of my decorating so they could gather around it to have their picture taken.  Ten yards-- that's how far it is from the dining room to the back of the kitchen. In the time it took my 120 lb. body to make a ten yard trek, three foul she-hams charged (as much as you can "charge" when you're 300 lbs... maybe I should amend that to "rolled" or "horked"...) They grabbed the little salmon sandwhiches with such ham ferocity that they knocked over half the platter. They dug into the different spreads so quickly that, upon returning to the table with three very upset chefs, I assumed a small army had plowed through.  But no. "Who..." I said, as my voice trailed into nothingness as I found myself eye-to-piggy-eye with one of the three hams.  It said, "Oh, I didn't know we couldn't just dig in."  I told it, "Yeah, maybe we should've put up a sign or something, but we assumed everyone would just have the sense to not start before the chefs got their pictures taken."  It huffed at me. Later, when we were  bringing out  little desert plates, I made sure it didn't get a fork.  I fucking hate hams so much.