I helped a ham die today Walking down the street, getting ready for a quick 1 mile walk before I have to pick up my friend, I see a huge lardbeast approaching. Ratty, greasy hair. Dead eyes. A second chin to rival the most majestic of pelican sacks. A huge fupa hanging out the bottom of its (her???) ugly Walmart pink shirt. I try to avoid making a face (I have ridiculous facial expressions) and cross to the other side of the sidewalk to try to find my car and escape. Alas, its tiny beady eyes somehow detected my presence, and the beetus-ridden brain cells managed to identify me as a human. This ... thing. Comes up to me, wheezing, dead eyes slightly desperate through the grease. "Maaaaa'aaam?"  Like some starving calf, hollering for sugahs.  "Excyuse meh, maaaa'aaam. Duh yeww have a lighter???" I exhale a sigh of relief. I thought she was going to ask for fucking money or some crazy shit.  "Yeah, actually, I do. Just a second."  It takes me way too long to dig through my endless sack of a purse, but I find it. I'm careful not to touch her greasy burger-claws as I hand over the lighter. I watch in disgust as this monster (300lbs easy, probably pushing 400) lights up a cheap cigarette.  "Thanks." She hands it back. Again, I deliberately avoid touching the appendages extending towards me.  "No problem." As I leave to put my purse in the car and go for my walk, I see this barge park itself on a bench, not 10ft away from where the horrible exchange took place. Here's to hoping that cigarette helped :)