EatBeast Roommate and the Harvest of REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Hello shitlords and shitladies and -3/10 fatties!  I'm going to blame my 'I just got back from spring break and I've forgotten how to function' state of mind for not mentioning this terrible little tale earlier! It is a tale of deep conversation, comparison, and deep analysis of human condition. It is a tale of data, both quantitative, and qualitative. It is a tale of the sweet, sweet harvest of REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.  A few days back, shitboyfriend (I suppose I refer to him a lot so I'm just going to call him David from here on out) and his friend Cameron came over to hang out a little bit before going to the gym. The powerlifting cages were closed for awhile for whatever reason, so we decided to come back to my place because it's the closest to the gym. Cameron and David are both really into lifting, while I'm more into running, but we decided to all go together because we're friends and we all love to shitlord/lady.  We all sit in my living room, avoiding the couch because it smells like a fetid tampon. Cameron told us all about a girl he met at the gym, how they started talking a little bit, and how her butt inspires divine poetry.  "She's like, an 11/10," Cameron says.  I laugh and ask, "How does one go about deciding that?"  David explains to me: "There's how her body is, her face, her hair, her mannerisms, her personality, and anything else weird about her. These all just sort of add up."  "I follow." Completely serious and wanting an honest answer, I said, "Objectively, what am I?"  The three of us go through all of our traits, just laughing and joking, about how we rate against humanity. David is kind of short, but he's super ripped, so that must count! Cameron has a bit of a lazy eye, but he's also a really talented cook. I have, frankly speaking, a bit of an asymmetrical face, but a 25-inch waist on a 5'8 frame.  Cameron concluded, for me, "You're a solid 8/10."  "That's what I'd say for you, too," I told him, "So what can really throw this ranking off?"  "If someone has a major personality flaw, like they're rude to waitstaff or they're selfish in bed, I say they can't get above a 4/10," said David. "But you know who throws it off most of all?"  "FATTIES!" Cameron finishes. "Seriously, as long as you aren't fat, you're well above average. I don't think fat people can get above a 2/10." David says, in mock surprise, as he cupped his hand against his eat, "Oh, what's that? Did I TRIGGER THEM? With my appearance-based judgment that literally 99% of humanity does?"  We're all laughing, making fun of fatties and SJWs, when it walks in. We didn't check the bedroom to see if it was sleeping from its afternoon nap (it has a morning nap and an evening nap; I guess when your body is 3 times the size of a normal body, it gets 3 times as tired...?) We all just look at it, not really saying anything, and it looks back at us. Had there been a plane of plexiglass through the living room, it would've been just like seeing Shamu at SeaWorld. Neither party says a word, until Cameron breaks the silence.  He fucking lost it. I pray he shuts the fuck up so it doesn't kill me in my sleep, but he just keeps laughing. It asks us, "What're you guys talking about?"   Calmly, David replied: "The principals of human attraction."  "Like?" it pressed further.  "Like what makes people find other people attractive..." he trailed off.  "It's all social constructs anyway," it sighs, and trails back into its room. It was like a caricature of a child who, defeated after not getting their way, huffed into their bedroom. We all left not shortly after, but there was surely a hearty harvest of REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE