"I've tried everything to lose weight," it whines.  Except putting down the jar of mayo and the spoon, of course, because that's too much to ask. I cannot imagine being a person who literally cannot make a short bus ride without having a snack available, much less being unable to do it without an entire jar of whipped grease emulsion to shovel down my throat. I mean, wait until you get home to eat, if for no other reason than the public-bus germs that might be landing on your food. But who am I kidding, fats don't care about sanitation or cleanliness.