The Bed Bug Fat I think to tell this properly, I will have to start off topic. Bed bugs, FPH. They can be a a massive problem. For such a tiny pest they can cause people to fucking burn their houses down trying to get rid of them. They suck the blood of everyone. And they fucking love fats because easy eating. Or really anyone because blood is tasty to these monsters, no matter how fatty. I bet you know why this is relevant. You probably know the TL;DR of the story now just by reading that first bit. Oh yes you do FPH. But I'm going to tell you anyways because why the fuck not? This particular planet orbits the sun in a cubicle near my wife at her work. A true model to the virtues of Jupiter itself, its actual weight is unknown because they won't let people (or anything that resembles them) on the same scales that are used for elephants. The smell is something that is often mistaken for the nearby meat packing plant when it walks outside, and can be smelled on the other end of town too! It is assumed this is a natural defense mechanism, but to date no biologist has survived any attempt to escape its gravity well with any information about this (RIP Dr. Doom). It moves itself in a car that had to be designed by Hitlers long dead super engineers to be able to hold the weight and ferocity, while withstanding the sheer volume of cheetos and junk being thrown around at any time. The structural integrity is comparable to the USS Iowa (BB-61), an absolute requirement for transporting a monster of cosmos comparable to this. Somewhere in this vehicle a bed bug infestation civilization thrives, possibly even reaching sentience as hypothesized by the late Dr. Doom (RIP). This is hypothesized as it is the only plausible means of them being able to find a way to withstand the crushing gravitational pull that they would be exposed to as they hitched a ride on this god-forsaken monster from its natural domain, to its means of transport, and then to the office. These monsters have formed an army and constantly invade the office from what passes as a "backpack". Standing between the helpless office workers and these bedbugs from this spawn of chaos are the brave men and women of the exterminator company. They constantly squish, trap, and exterminate any of these invertebrates they find with extreme prejudice. The constant war waged against the spawn of this chaos lord has almost brought cause to burn the fucking building down, but the tide always seems to ebb and flow. This beast will sit(?) down in the morning, open its bag, unfold its many folds and spill out a variety of stink, crumbs, and bugs. They crawl all over everyone and everything, bringing a fresh wave for the exterminators to battle each night. A new branch of military science was developed for this, along with possible violations of the Geneva Convention (it's existence not included). Thankfully it is a (mostly) silent presence from the cosmos. It most likely communicates by smell but nobody has survived the attempt at translation. Currently the only management method is to treat it like a black hole and to give it as wide a berth as possible. Harpoons do nothing. We tried. I submit this as proof that God is dead, and this fuck ate him. Edit - Cleared up a grammar fuck up.