HaMother is in town. The fatlogic is astonishing. My Saturday.... My Mother is in town for the next month. Her weight fluctuates, from super ham, to thin, to medium, to hambeast, and back. It just depends where she's at. She hasn't been thin in years though. When I saw her this time, she had gone full ham.  Her birthday was Sunday, and before we went out on Saturday I gave her her present. I dropped some heavy dough to get her some nice vegan soaps/creams that were natural without any extra things in them because she is on her super health, vegan kick right now and from what I gathered she wants to see that on the label or she'll reject it... plus I use the stuff and it's pretty awesome. She opened the box, picked up a soap and sniffed it and said, "It barely smells." My aunt smelled and said that she could smell a faint scent of apple but that they probably don't smell because they're trying to be all natural. Which they are. No fragrances are added into any of them. Ingredient list is like 6 items that are all pronounceable and you know what they are without having to google. Anyway, she threw it back into the box and her mother asked what I got her and she said, "I don't know, some soaps and creams or something, I don't know. They don't smell, kind of junkie" No thank you. Nothing. Day is starting off great. By the way, those soaps were like $6 for 2.5oz. and the "creams or something" were $35 for a 2oz jar. I dropped well over $100 and she's just being a bitch. I should have just put a bow on a box of oreos.  So, we all go to the mall, because that's what my family loves to do. We start at one store, and then go to eat after about two hours of being in the shoe section. My Aunt said that she is trying to cut down on sugar/carbs and the pears in her salad were a bit much because of what she was planning for dinner and tomorrow. My Mom chimed in that pears are fine because the sugar is natural and since it's a fruit it doesn't have carbs and the calories wouldn't count towards her goal. My Aunt looked at her like, "What kind of crazy are smoking?" but she stayed quite. I said, "It's still sugar," because I couldn't help it with the abundance of fat logic in her statement.  Before I go on... quick backstory to help you follow along. My mother is batshit crazy. Bat-fucking-shit crazy, and about a month ago she went to the PETA site and it turned her vegan. Now she's all about eating "health" foods and saving animals. End of backstory. Onwards! My mother looked at me and furrowed her brow frustrated and said that it's natural, it's not the processed stuff, and your body can digest it better because it doesn't get stuck in your intestines and absorbed into the body. I know my mother is crazy so I just didn't respond and kept eating. She pushed forward and started going into how the white sugar at the store is synthetic and same with corn syrup and that your body can't process it because it's basically plastic. I simply replied back that corn syrup is made from corn. Shit hit the fan.  "It's so processed there isn't even a trace of corn left! It's made in a lab!" I used exclamation points because she was actually screaming. We were at the restaurant in Nordstrom and she's screaming. She started going off about how things are made in labs now and how modified foods are going to kill everyone one day. Her sister looked at her and in a hushed tone, asked her to lower her voice a little. She complied and in a loud whisper, hunched over the table and started telling me that the only calorie free natural sugar comes from fruit and everything else is made in a lab. I just calmly said, "That's simply not true," and took a bite of my mini pizza. My Aunt looked at me frustrated because she knew that I just unleashed the beast. My Mother proceeded to scream about how I ALWAYS have to be right even when I clearly have no idea what I am talking about. She's researched this her entire life (translation: the last month on shitty websites full of crackpots). My Aunt started tugging on my Mothers shirt and trying to get her to stop yelling, which she finally did and just started complaining to everyone at the table how misinformed I am and that I always try and belittle her and argue.  Fast forward about five minutes. The woman in the booth across from us gets up and leaves and my Nana is staring. Once the woman leaves my Nana says to us, "Did you see that womans' back? Her behind?" She pulled her hands apart indicting how big her ass was. "It was so big, did you see that? Did you see that?" We all giggled and said that we had saw it.  Quick reminder: my mother is batshit crazy. Tears started flowing. She wasn't making the crying face, it was just water pouring from her eyes and she sobbed out, "You shouldn't be saying things like that!!" We all kind of looked at her and my Aunt gave me a look that just said 'what the fuck is happening?' and then looked back at her sister. "You don't know what's happened in her life! People can't help the way they look!" It's guhnetic! Yes, she went there, in tears. We all sat there quietly for a few seconds while she cleaned her face. My Nana, who is pushing 90 and forgets things after a few moments, or doesn't even process them, I'm not sure, anyway, she said again, "Did you see that woman? She was so big!" Que the tears again. I nibbled more on my pizza quietly and my aunt said, "Yes, we saw her Mom." My Nana said, "How can someone let themselves get that big?" My mother is still silently sobbing, lodged in the middle of a semi circular booth that she can't escape from. Then she pipes up again, "You know, you can't even tell when someone is fat. Our family suffers from body dysmorphia and none of you can actually tell if someone is fat, you see everyone as fat even yourselves." My Aunt said that isn't true, that the woman was legitimately large. "I can tell, she was perfectly healthy, you all just see people as fat." We just left it at that. We finished up and my mother couldn't pay for her bill, since she had just bought some nice shoes, so her sister covered it.  Now we're back in the store. I'm helping my Nana try on a jacket and my Mother comes over with a skirt and says that this would look so cute on me. I looked at it and said that it was way to short, and it wouldn't fit me. She shook her head and said that I should try it on, and I repeated that there was no way it would fit me, my waist isn't even that small. This skirt was about a 12" wide, and probably 8" short, and looked like it had been taken from the little girls section. I'm not a heffer, but I'm not in the range of wearing little girls clothes either. I said that I wear a size six, and I know for a fact that wouldn't fit me. My Mom scoffed and said that she didn't realize I was that FAT. When she was my age she was in a size 4. I know for a fact that is not true, but alas, I just let her have her victory of calling me fat. At least I don't have to shop in the plus size section.  Speaking of plus sizes! Potty break! The restroom was strategically placed by the shitty plus sized clothes because shit belongs with shit I assume. My cousin and I are poking at the oversized mannequins giggling like retards. They were wide, but the arms attached to them looked muscular, like they had been taken from a mens athletic mannequin. My Mother came out of the bathroom and came over to us and said that these mannequins should be required in every store because they promote a healthy body image. We didn't say anything. My aunt finished up her business and came over to where we had congregated in front of the mannequin and said, "Oh god, really? They're going to end up making some petition that these need to represent the minority. I can't believe they actually have these up, they look so bad." My Mother just walked/waddled away. Nobody chased after her. We found her on a chair outside the store sipping on some fancy coffee, which I am assuming had dairy because of the whip cream, and complained that we needed to leave... and we did.  Now we're all in the car. My cousin, aunt, nana and I are all freezing cold and my mother is complaining about how hot it is and how she is physically sweating. My cousin, god bless her soul, made the best comment of the night. She has a very valley girl sort of accent/tone to everything she says, so if you can imagine, read this in that tone, "That's because we have like zero percent body fat, we're all like super thin and stuff, so we totally get cold fast. You have so much fat that you just stay totally warm all the time, the padding is like good for you to stay warm and stuff."  Silence. Followed by... "I'M NOT FAT! You're all cold because you're unhealthy and fucking rail thin. Being thin isn't being healthy!" Remember, she just called me fat inside the store.  ANYWAY.... I decided not to stay for dinner, or go back on Sunday for her birthday party.  TLDR: Mom has fat logic.