A Tale of Shitlording My Entire Office I was originally going to save this for an April Fools Day prank but decided the time is now. My office is literally all overweight hams, and death obeasts. 'MERICA! We go through office chairs like candy because they fuck up the springs on the normal human sized office chairs, and sometimes the wheels crack overtime. It's completely fucking annoying when your department gets billed for office chairs like it's a monthly re-occurring charge... These aren't cheap chairs either..  Well back to the story, I think I can recall maybe 3 fit people out of the 30-50 people here at headquarters who are always left out when it comes to catering, coffee, cakes type shit.. We simply don't eat it, it's always unhealthy shit. We have been requesting fruits and healthier options but H(AM).R says no one will eat it or wants it. There is always like 3 boxes of a dozen types of dunkin donuts here every morning, and I cant help but notice the delight on the HAM's faces when they see this every morning. It's amazing how fast they run to the kitchen when they smell donuts. If only they could apply that work ethic to actual work! I normally just look at it in disgust and move on with my day drinking my organic green tea while the cleaning lady complains I never eat anything. I always just tell her to wrap up mine and take it home with her for her kids or something because I will never touch that. Well one day our coffee machine broke, which was fine with me because I never drink that shit anyways. If I want coffee I run up the street to dunkin and order a large black french vanilla. Well I knew these things take time to get serviced so I decided to be a savior the next day and order like 3x box of joe's which is a large portion of black coffee you just pour from this spout. Almost like a wine cooler/box. I debated on buying the office HAMS donuts but said fuck that I'm going to shitlord them instead and I'm not supporting their unhealthy eating habits! I requested 3 empty boxes in which they keep a dozen donuts, and they gave them to me while giving me a weird look LoL. I then ran to the local shoprite and bought some nice baby carrots, organic hummus dip, some other veggies and fruits and laid them all out nicely in the boxes. When you opened the boxes it displays the message, "Make better choices" LOL which I wrote in sharpie. At this point i debated it because our office snowflake/tumblrinas will take offense to this but I said fuck it, it's happening. Well I get into the office nice and early and set everything up on the kitchen table going completely unnoticed. I then run back to my office where I have a camera setup (yes there's a hidden cam in the kitchen nobody knows about because some fat shit ham kept steeling utensils and other peoples food.) and in delight watch all the REEEEEEEEE's when they open the donut boxes to fresh fruit and veggies. Not a single one of them touched it besides the other 3 fit people who were so damn happy for once. They requested this more often and got death glares from everyone hahahahah. I made myself a nice plate and pretended along with them that I was grateful for whoever did this and played it off like it wasn't me so I didn't have to sit through another hour of "sensitivity training" aKa nap time. I may have to shitlord my office more often, it was way too satisfying. Next idea; mandatory fitbits - if you don't hit your weekly goals, no bonus for you at the end of the year!