The Tale of Cousin Whale Thought you might all enjoy this story. It is a bit long but it does have a happy ending.  Quick rundown of my cousin - 5'10 and around 400lbs, entitled and generally unpleasant to be around. In the past she was always on some sort of diet. She yoyo'd on slim fast for years and she has had two types of bypass surgeries. Then the whole "eff your beauty standards" movement started and she embraced it with gusto. She idolizes and emulates Tess Holiday now, much to everyone's dismay because at least she used to cover up. She has gained a good 100 pounds in the past year and a half. Anyway her younger sister just had a baby which has made Cousin Whale green with envy because surprise surprise she can't get pregnant, so she has sucked all the happiness she possibly could out of my Little Cousin's pregnancy. To make matters worse for Little Cousin her husband was injured at work a couple of weeks before the due date, hurting his back and breaking both legs - so this is where I step in. I clean and organize Little Cousin's house, finish the nursery, make sure she gets a day of pampering. Get her husband better situated and set up for recuperation. I make sure Little Cousin's pantry is stocked with healthy portioned out meals, snacks and treats so she can just grab and go. I live for this kind of organizing/planning thing so it's no big deal and actually fun for me. Little Cousin's beautiful baby boy arrives. Everyone is over the moon. First grandchild for my Aunt and Uncle. A week later, as is tradition in my family, all the ladies gather to coo over the new baby and bring handmade gifts and things. So I set up a few brunch items, salads and tea sandwiches. I also bake a couple of pies because that is Little Cousin's favorite dessert. Cousin Whale is in just a foul mood. Absolutely glowering. Anytime anyone engages her she starts lamenting about her problems to get attention. She starts complaining about the food. Little Cousin says sweetly "Ciaozuzu set this all up today, I don't know how I could have gotten through the last month without her." Utoh - Cousin Whale has now set her rage towards me. She starts talking to me about her amazing feminist husband and how equal they are and how awesome it is that she is a working woman. As you might have guessed I am a SAHM who is a more traditional wife. None of what Cousin Whale is saying bothers me, I wouldn't trade my life for anything. So almost all the gifts are opened and I go to make coffee and set out the pies and notice 3/4ths of one of the pies is missing. There is Cousin Whale chowing down in the corner. There were 10 other people there and she eats almost an entire pie! I also made two types of pie so people could choose - now I can maybe get three slices out of that pie. Anyway Little Cousin calls me back in from the kitchen and hands me this little gift. It's a sweet card and a mug with lady bugs on it (I collect lady bug themed items). I am so touched, its such a nice and unnecessary thank you. Well I guess Cousin Whale had reached her limit. She starts with the crocodile tears. Saying how insensitive we all are. Don't we know she is dealing with infertility. Then she starts listing all the ways she has helped Little Cousin, which is zero, and asks where her recognition is. "Ciaozuzu makes a salad and a couple stupid pies and she's a saint! No one cares about me!" This really ticked me off, my pies are stellar. So finally I had enough and said "That is enough, Cousin Whale, this isn't your day. Everyone is aware of your issues but today we are celebrating new life in the family. Today isn't about you." You could have heard a pin drop because no one stands up to Cousin Whale. It took her about 20 seconds to get her bearings and then she laid into me. She took four terrifying, house rattling steps towards me and got right in my face and lowed "You know what bitch, you think you are such hot shit with your perfect life at least my vag isn't a clown car. Tell your man to call me if he wants to feel something." Then she looked at me, smiling triumphantly, as if this would upset me. I've had four children and one sexual partner and I don't care how many children or partners someone has had I'd never compare their lady parts with a clown car or speculate on the "tightness". How is that for feminism? But before I could say anything remotely like that Little Cousin stood up and said "Get out." For a second I think Cousin Whale believed she was speaking to me but Little Cousin said "Get out NOW," right in her face. Cousin Whale began to sputter but Little Cousin stood her ground and my Aunt sensing danger took Cousin Whale by the arm and began leading her out. Cousin Whale screamed and cried in the driveway for a good 10 minutes before her husband came to get her because she was too upset to drive. This was about a week ago. Some of the older ladies in the family want us all to make up but the rest of us see this as a way to never have to speak to Cousin Whale again outside of cordial niceties. I hope you enjoyed the story. I've got decades worth of them. My favorite is the time she tried to sue Hertz because she got her armfat stuck in the door. It's also the story of how I met my husband.