The only fat person I've ever pitied was Santa Claus. When I was little I thought it was mean to make fun of Santa because how many cookies and milk did he have to finish in one night? And that’s not even counting the people who left other things. At our house we left potato chips and beer.  Anyone would be fat if they were expected to eat that much junk was my reasoning as a kid. So there you go, fatties. The only one of you I’ve ever felt sorry for (and even then I was like...7 years old) doesn’t even exist.