The College Roommate Who Literally Infested My Dorm Storytime! In college I had 5 roommates. There were 3 bedrooms on one end, 3 on the other, with the kitchen and bathrooms in between. Thank GOD that: - the skinny girls were all on the same side.  - there were 2 bathrooms The antagonist of this story, who I’ll call Hammo, was the most disgusting girl I’ve ever met. She was 5’5 and probably 270 lbs, with the worst dye job I’d ever seen, and weirdly beady little eyes. She caked on makeup (could NOT match foundation to save her life) and wore tons of jewelry and low-cut tank tops with bursting-at-the-seams yoga pants as if any of it could ever detract from her hideous, sagging Shrek-bod. Actually, Shrek looked better than she did. No hyperbole.  She would regale my best friend roomie and I with tales of her sluttiness the previous year. Of the hoards of men she’d invite into her room for sex, though I thought it was interesting that she never brought a single guy in our dorm the whole year. She said it was because she was focusing more on her schoolwork. I don’t think anyone believed her.  It was commonplace for BestRoomie and I to come home late after dancing to see Hammo and her friend, an equally large and even uglier ham, mowing down on TWO large pizzas and a bunch of sides. Slurping on giant-sized sodas that I’d find empty and still on the table in the morning. There were never any leftovers in the fridge, but the garbage “corner” was piled high with takeout boxes that she never ever took outside, as was supposed to be a shared responsibility (BestRoomie and I usually had to do it). They would also make gargantuan pots of nasty pasta and leave them, filthy and smelly, on the counter for someone else to eventually get annoyed at and clean. Whenever the bathroom on my side of the dorm was in use, I would have to use “the fat one,” and it was obviously never cleaned. So dirty that I started using hand sanitizer after using it, in addition to washing my hands.  One day when BestRoomie and her boyfriend, MightyShitlord, were cooking a reasonable amount of fucking food, they overheard Hammo and her fugly friend in Hammo’s room, talking about food (also very common).  Hammo: “I just hate vegetables.” MightyShitlord: “Yeah bitch, we can tell.”  Luckily, she never stole our food or anything, but things went to hell after Christmas vacation. We returned to find what seemed like millions of fruit flies. EVERYWHERE. You had to close your mouth and eyes to fucking walk through the place. Since Hammo had stayed at the dorm for pretty much the whole Christmas break ... well, it wasn’t hard to figure out who had caused the mess. Dirty dishes and garbage were piled high in the kitchen. BestRoomie and MightyShitlord (real MVPs I love u guys) got back to the dorm first and got rid of the disgusting garbage bags (maybe a dozen of them) immediately. According to the other roommates at the fat end of the dorm, the fruit flies had infiltrated the bedrooms too. A rotting smell was coming from beyond Hammo’s door (we actually checked), but there was no way in hell any of us were going inside to make sure there wasn’t, like, a dead person in there. I want to gag just remembering it.  We set traps for the swarms of insects but ultimately, we had to wait them out in that bug-ridden place for weeks. Weeks! Sometimes I still think I see fruit flies when there aren’t any.  Did Hammo ever get confronted? Nope! We didn’t want her to steal or break our shit or have her trashy pod of whales attack us. But BestRoomie and I, over time, ate her entire stash of pizza rolls and ice cream bars from the communal freezer as our quiet revenge :)