HAES vlogs A camera focuses on an empty countertop in a small, outdated kitchen with dim yellowed lighting. A fly flits in and out of the screen as the camera wobbles slightly. A belly suddenly protrudes from the left of the screen, draped in a floral tarp that closely matches the couch in your late grandmother's attic. It sways back and forth as an even larger body attached to it lumbers into view. A scrunched, wide face peers into the camera, breathing audibly as the fly lands on a stray, scraggly brown lock of hair. The beast's hand wipes the fly off, catching it and scooping it up into its mouth. "HEEEY EVERYONE!" It waves to the camera, upper arm jiggling in such a way that the camera loses focus on the kitchen to capture the movement. "Today we are going tuh learn how I make muh heart pills edible. This has been pant pant a highly requested tutorial ever since last week's video, where I showed you how tuh coat the bottom of muh CPAP mask in chocolate so I can lick it while falling asleep. Let's get started! pant" There is an awkward pause as the beast smiles into the camera. The poorly-edited video then cuts to a handful of ingredients and appliances now placed on the counter in front of the beast, which smiles silently at the camera for a few more seconds before beginning a new part of its script. The camera loses focus or a few minutes during the spiel and a large annotation appears on the YouTube video player: OOOPS THE CAMERA DIDNT FOCUS HERE... GRR TECHNOLEGY! >:3 Behind the annotation the beast continues to speak. "OKAY EVERYONE! Let's get started! First, you want tuh get out your heart pills. I take Plavix, but this works with all kinds of medications, so you can use your Orlistat or any hormone supplements. Now, you want to start out by coating them in something that won't get wet easily. I like to use chocolate shell syrup, the kind that gets all hard when you put it on your ice cream. pant pant So give the pills a good coating." The beast pours an entire bottle of Smucker's Magic Shell™ into a plastic bowl, then drops a handful of pills into it. Stirring the goop with its hands it carefully coats each pill in the chocolate and sets them directly onto the countertop to set. "Now comes muh favourite part!" It slurps the remaining chocolate off its hands, grinning into the camera. "Next, you want tuh get two bowls. One with flour, and one with raw scrambled egg. I like to put butter into the egg tuh make it coat nicer, but you can use heavy cream or milk too. You want tuh take your chocolate pills and roll them in the flour, then into the egg. You want tuh repeat this process about five times to get a good thick layer."  The beast carefully coats each pill until the constant mixing of flour and egg has turned each bowl into a glue-like mixture, each indistinguishable from the other. "Lastly, roll them around in some bread crumbs." The beast pulls out a Panko box and holds a slimey pill-ball directly into the box, rolling them around until they are sufficiently coated. Each one, when complete, it put into a metal basket. "When pant you are all done, you want tuh start up your deep fryer. If you don't have a deep frier you can just put some oil or lard in a pan and cook it over the stove. Fry the pills until the breading turns golden brown, then put them in a bowl to cool." The video continues for ten minutes, unedited, with the only sound of frying and wheezing, with the occasional sniff or cough. The bowl of fried pill balls grows, with the ones on the bottom congealing as the grease from the top ones drain into them. Finally, the video cuts again. The counter is now empty except for the bowl of fried pill balls, a plate with ketchup on it, and the sticky remnants of the previous ingredients that had not been yet wiped off. "Now you are all done! Finally those nasty pills are easy and enjoyable tuh eat. I have a hard time taking them normal because I don't like the taste of water so I can't swallow them, but my cola is too fizzy and it dissolves them in my mouth. So I came up with this idea tuh make it easier to take my heart pills. You can eat them hot or cold, or anyway you want, really. I dip mine in ketchup. Bone-pant-appa-teat!" The beast puts two ketchup covered fried pill balls into its mouth, swallowing them whole and smiling into the camera. "Don't forget to like and subscribe if you want tuh see more videos and tutorials like this one. BYEEEE!!!" The video ends, and the YouTube autoplay pops up with another of the beast's vlog posts entitled; My New Medication Stops Me From Losing Weight!!!!!! :( Okay, okay. I may have gone a little overboard but it is hard to take seriously the numerous vlogs, cooking tutorials, and other bullshit that butterhuffers churn out on a daily basis. And it's all the same. Vlogs about food are about A) candy, cookies, cakes, cupcakes, lasagnas, hot chocolate, fried chicken, bacon-centered recipes... B) kale, vegan cheese, vegan ice cream, quinoa, and other foods to prove how healthy they eat for every meal even off-camera. Then you have the vlogs about muh condishuns! which are either, no one understands me, doctors are evil, medication makes us fat, food makes us fat but not because we eat too much but because we are poor and oppressed and they put things in our food, the air makes us fat, I am sick, I am disabled, I can't exercise without hurting myself, etc. Then, lastly, the opinion vlogs. Skinny people are evil, I am bullied worse than anyone, I am more oppressed than slaves, diet culture is triggering, everything is triggering, here's a totally real story about how I shut down a fatshamer on a public bus then everyone applauded me and gave me a trophy which I donated to charity right after because I am so good, someone fat shamed me by eating a chicken salad wrap on a park benched that I walked past and now I can't stop crying.... I do love being able to simply turn that shit off and search for decent content, but the mount of links I see on Facebook, on suggested feeds, on recommended shit that's irrelevant to anyone's interests, on webpage sidebars, it's just appalling. So it has been nice to vent a bit and do some therapeutic writing here. Hope you guys are all having a good day, Bon Appétit my little piglets!