Aquahams Part II: The decent into fatness Part I So I lifeguard on the weekend. Here are some tales from the pool deck. The potato: There's a regular ham (I'd wager 250-300, my shitlady mom thinks more like 350) who does the breast stroke, the problem isn't that this ham is slow as shit (she is, 1 minute per 25 yards), it's that for going that fucking slow your form should be perfect. Every. Fucking. Stroke. its legs come out of the water. In breaststroke that's an instant DQ. Fat privilege is being so goddamn lazy you can't swim in a legal fashion. Also too goddamn fat to save when you have a heart attack... The I'm going insane pool party So I learn there will be a birthday party. Great. That means ham parents and more screaming kids than usual. It gets better. The other lifeguard who is guarding the pool party is a useless ham fuck who can't guard for shit. I doubt he knows any of the rules and he's worked there far longer than I have. Usually I don't have to deal with him because I leave when he comes. Not this time... It's both of us.  That's not the story though... The story is about the biggest fucking person I have ever fucking seen in my entire life. Jesus fuck this creature is shaped like a deformed cupcake, has no visible knees or ankles, and when it moves every roll shudders... It's revolting. So this thing has brought its' children (and the fucking kids are already obese... one even was getting a fupa... just fucking awful) aside from wondering if it knew it was even pregnant when it had children all I wondered is whether it would survive the mild physical exertion that is floating like a fucking blob.  So about halfway through the planet does a flip underwater... right in front of me I don't need to go into more detail because frankly I'm trying to forget it. After that it gets out and comes back 5 minutes later in a burlap sackclothes and proceeds to heft itself onto a bench. Now I no longer give a fuck because if it isn't swimming I don't care. But I'm forced to remember it is there because of the stench... a mix of baby powder and shit that I will never forget. TL;DR: Saw and smelt a swimming ham. 0/10 would recommend.