Field Report Went to DC with Grandlardma. Thank all you shitlords for the advice on flying with fats! My bulkhead aisle seat on AA had a solid divider THAT DOESN'T GO UP because of the trays in the sides. Fucking brilliant. Didn't even need all the precautions though because I got to sit next to a businessman that keeps to himself and a hot MILF type chick (the kind who wears a moto jacket and 6-inch heeled espadrilles to the airport).  Those poor, poor schmucks who sat next to Grandlardma, though. I'm so sorry. There but for the grace of God go I. GLM: whines quietly Oh... These arms don't go up fidgets uncomfortably Kahlo: wanting to drive the knife into the wound You shouldn't try to lift arms up. Those divide the seats into the spaces you paid for.  GLM: death glare  Kahlo: Don't forget your seatbelt! GLM: THANKS, Kahlo. GLM wedged itself out of the seat. Flung both seatbelts over the sides of the seat. Plops down, seatbelts get pulled under by its enormous ass. Unwedge again. Tries to pick up seatbelts while backing up into the seat like a fucking semi truck. Cannot reach behind itself to grab seatbelts. I realize that this means it probably isn't wiping itself anymore. Bingo wings and 3 separate stomach protrusions make it impossible. GLM plops back down (in that it literally turns around, positions its ass dead center above the seat, and then just LETS GO of all its weight, letting gravity seat her -- she made the airport terminal's entire metal-framed row of chairs SHAKE so hard that a baby on the far end was woken up and started crying). Places seatbelts in front of gunt and does the "I know how big I am and I'm trying to make my body as small as possible by pressing my drumsticks again my muffin collection STOPPP SHAMINGGG MEEEEE." Never buckles seatbelt. It was deeply saddening to visit my beloved nation's capital. Spherical children would collapse on the ground in front of me, screaming for ice cream and hot dogs from their Michelin Man daddies. Bloated, corpse-like, pock-marked pasty thunder thighs were everywhere, ruining the meditative experience of visiting the national monuments and taking the time to consider all of what was lost and gained through each war. I can't even find refuge in the patriotic organization I belong to, either. Even the young members are sea cows. My family has been in every war since the Revolution and I think my forefathers would be fucking disgusted by how degenerate and useless the average fatass American is today. Oh and Grandlardma ate at least 4500 calories a day - in my presence alone. It definitely eats even more when I'm not around as evidenced by all the wrappers and containers that magically appear in the hotel room. It ate 1500 calories in one sitting pretty much every single day. Average breakfast, 1000 calories. Dinners, another 1500 on average. It's having both knees replaced in two months and I don't think it will have enough willpower to recover. It's going wheelchair-bound this summer and is "sliding into home" looking like a manatee in a dumpster fire. I'd be angry and sad if it weren't for the decades we've spent trying to help it treat its body with respect. Now I'm just annoyed and ready for this all to be over.