Why I need fat acceptance I have diagnosed binge eating disorder. It started when I was a young child, as just a learned behavior to cope with stress. At that time, my mind was clean enough that I could have learned a better method and changed my life pretty easily. Then I was raped by my father and everything went to shit. My body image, my sexuality, my diet, my weight, and all of my shame have been blending and growing together, ever since, into some kind of neural barnacle, continuously draining the joy and color out of my life and the world around me. Hating your body and wanting to change it may work for a lot of people. People who got fat out of ignorance, laziness, etc. You know, all the people who set the standards for the stereotypes. But it doesn't work for me. The more I hate my body, the less I want to change for the better. The more I hate my body, the more I have to eat to take the pain away. Some people say diet and exercise is easy. It is. The basic mechanism of it is easy. The physical act of dieting and exercising is so easy it's stupid. What's not easy is accepting the fact that I need it. I could accept my weight if my weight were all there is to it, but accepting the endless social stigma piled on top of it is too much to ask of anyone. I don't need more "tough love." I'm drowning in "tough love." And by that, I mean I'm drowning in hate. It's holding me back. Real tough love would be an improvement, but no one fucking loves me, so fuck that. The worst part is that the hate that's suffocating me isn't even from other people. It's an old, old feeling that I experienced long before I was ever obese, and that I've internalized and bottled up for years. I've pushed it so deep into my subconscious that it's like it's not even me anymore. It's like a separate entity. A separate entity that never shuts up. Do you know what it says? "Eat. Eat, you disgusting glutton. Stuff your fat face. The more you eat, the more you shit, you fat pig. You filthy degenerate whore. Did you know some people are born good? Look at skinny people. They're much prettier than you, and they got that way through hard work. But you, you were born wrong. You are weak, lesser, devoid of virtue, and ugly to the core. You can't work that hard. You can't even imagine working that hard, you pathetic fatty. So don't even try. Why don't you rest some more. Why don't you skip school and stay in bed. Why don't you microwave everything you eat for the next five days. You're so greedy. Don't you know people in third world countries are starving? They're probably starving because of you, you fat bitch. It's your fault. The burden of your weight on our modern technologies contributes to global warming. Your greed serves as encouragement to the system. Worst of all, children are starving because your ancestors believed you were more important just because you're white, and your willingness to partake in the fruits of their ancient labors proves your tacit consent their sick racist beliefs. You are a walking affirmation of colonialism, you fat piece of shit. Why don't you fucking eat more while more kids starve because of you. Ha ha ha, look at the fatty eating, it's so funny. Tyranny is so funny. The way you live today is proof you deserved what he did to you. You deserved what he did to you, and after he finished, he was torn out of your life because he was too good for you. That's why he's skinny and you're fat. Because he's a good person. You were born a bad person, so go ahead and be bad. Go ahead and keep gorging your greasy, repulsive gut. You are just one big blemish on society. It doesn't matter that you're smart. It doesn't matter that you're attending a university and all signs suggest you'll probably live a successful life. Because that success will be off the backs of the poor and hungry. You'll never know what it's like to really work. You'll never know real suffering. Why don't you sit your fat ass down and just keep playing house at everyone else's expense. Just keep taking every undeserved reward the system throws at you, you cow." I could've kept going. I can always keep going, because it just keeps coming, and never stops. It just urges its way into my thoughts without my consent, and it stops me. It stops me from doing what I know is good for me. When I exercise, it exhausts me. When I diet, it makes me binge. You could argue these thoughts are my own fault. You could argue my shame is just my excuse for continuing to be lazy. But one thing's for sure: whether my self loathing is real or contrived, if I had less of it, I'd be better at losing weight and keeping it off.  That's why I need fat acceptance. Because fat acceptance can make me thin.