Blue eyed baby mama Sorry I’ve been coming on here to cry about my life lately.  Update: my lupus is active. The medication that really works for me is a corticosteroid, a variant of prednisone. It increases appetite and causes your face to swell. I do have a picture of what I look like on that drug, (where I am still thin, but I have droopy cheeks), but I am so ashamed of it I don’t want anyone to see it. There is another drug that could also work, but it makes me feel nauseated (i.e. i throw up), and because I have back pain and back strain (maybe it’s due to the weight loss), it really hurts to retch. I’ve been feeling dizzy a lot. I fell down the stairs.  I luckily landed on my butt, but I don’t really have much of a butt anymore and my tailbone took the brunt of the fall. I had problems with my tailbone hurting before but now it is really awful. I have a couple doctors appointments where we can talk about my options. I can’t be more than 110 lbs.  I feel so huge as it is, I can’t imagine hitting the 120s. But my disease, lupus, is very capable of killing me. My kidneys are really damaged. And it is getting worse fast (they can tell from markers in my blood), so we need to do something. This is random, but have you ever looked at a (small)fat and thought, “Damn, if she were my build she would be so gorgeous?” Someone I used to work with had twins last summer and has really let herself go.  She has really pretty light blue eyes (all of her kids have her eyes, which is cute), and I just feel she has completely wasted herself.   Before she had the twins https://www.instagram.com/p/Bahl6HmAMVq/  After https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq7uudjAX-M/ She isn’t doughy, she isn’t chubby, she is OBESE. You can’t even see her face anymore, let alone her pretty eyes. I noticed she probably gained even more https://www.instagram.com/p/BvZvpijlpJb/ She has said she is not working on losing weight because she needs to breastfeed her twins. I don’t have kids or a relationship, so I probably have no right to criticize her. I just look at her, and think if she had my body type she would be stunning, while me, with my brown skin and brown eyes and falling out hair and the fact that I’m super short...I’m not really a girl you’d look twice at. Someone made a similar comment on reddit about Loey Lane (who probably is on her way to obese III now).  It’s not fat sympathy, it’s me thinking her raw goods are completely wasted and obscured by folds of skin. (Please don’t troll her by the way. There was a little troll from here who made me laugh so hard - thank you for that  - but I don’t want to get blocked because her babies are really really sweet, haha). Sorry for these posts and thanks for reading you guys. It’s okay if I get mostly downvotes, I don’t mind. It’s just nice to talk to even hypothetical people in cyberspace. Lupus clinic is at 9:45am, and family doctor is at 2:15p. Thanks again for putting up with me. I don’t really know what is going to happen today. The fact is that I am very very sick. What is inadvertently gaining weight is the only way I can get better? I know we say all the time over here, “it’s better to be dead than fat”, but would I really chose death if it came to that?