The salty, salty whale tears of the mighty Mayotanker. (REQUESTED) Okay, so after posting this photoset (http://m.imgur.com/a/KdEjd) earlier today I got several requests that I tell the whole story of what happened that fateful night with "Fluffy" (I feel like it's worth mentioning that that's the actual alternate name of the megaham in question on Facebook. Ew.) the Mayotanker. Of course, as a good FPH citizen, I had no choice but to deliver! This is my first real in-depth story on here, and it's a long one. So please forgive me if I have poor presentation, off-kilter scentence structure etc. It all went down in the fall of 2014, a chilly Autumn night I won't soon forget. I'd recently been dumped by my boyfriend of ten months almost immediately following a devastating personal tragedy, so it's safe to say I was in rough shape and in dire need of good friends and good fun. Along comes my very good longtime friend, let's call her Amazon, to the rescue! Amazon is, as her namesake implies, a witty and kindhearted girl of epic proportions. 5'10" and maybe 170lbs but definitely not fat, she's all muscle and could probably kick some serious ass if she wasn't such a sweetheart. Kind of a hipster but I love her bunches nonetheless. Anyways, she calls me up and says she can tell that I could use some serious cheering up and invites me to a small "Friendsgiving" party she's hosting in the city for drinks, laughs and softcore nerd debauchery. Now, Amazon's parents are high upper-middle class and not only rent out a very nice four bed, two bath house for her and her boyfriend to live in, but will also gladly give her the funding for pretty much whatever she wants so long as she stays in school. So it's sure to be a kick-ass party, and how could I not a good time with one of my best friends? I accept, and head up to her house early to help decorate, prepare food, mix up punchbowls full of alcoholic beverages, etc. At maybe 9:30 people start showing up. There's a friendly goth couple, the female component of which shows up in full-on ravewear, two or three neckbeard friends of Amazon's boyfriend, and... Fluffy. Now, I've seen some whomping whales in my day, but I'm wholeheartedly blown away by the sheer size and.. General roundness of this one. Barely five feet tall and easily 325lbs, she's almost sphereical and literally has to position her body at just the right angle to even fit through the goddamn door. Unevenly cropped blonde hair clings to her head in a jagged and greasy attempt at a pixie cut, framing cheeks sufficiently wider than her forehead and the most vacant, thoughtless eyes you've ever seen. Fluffy arrives, as elephants often do,  in a herd: she's with two highly unimpressionable minimoon Tumblrina types and a very attractive meterosexual looking guy about my age. Being on the rebound, as well as a generally oversexed person as-is, I rush right on over to introduce myself (to him and him alone, lol). Amazon notices me trying to break the ice and comes over to acquaint me with everyone including Fluffy, who just grunts a sour hello. Drinks start pouring, music starts playing, and everyone's getting into party mode. To be honest I'm a rather shy and introverted person, and was a little nervous about attending a party where I'd only know two people... But I fit in with Amazon's crowd like a charm (cute boy and I are especially hitting it off, he's been hanging around me pretty much the entire party and it turns out we have a ton in common). Even Fluffy doesn't seem to mind me, and as a gesture of good will I make a bit of superficial conversation with it about Pokémon, anime, and the like. Fast-forward a couple of hours and I'm sitting on the couch with Amazon, goth girl, and cute boy, drinking vodka cranberry juice and watchimg a bunch of the guys fail at Guitar Hero. We're all pretty well buzzed at this point; just talking, laughing, and having a good time... Until who else but fucking Fluffy comes thunder-staggering over with a beer in one hand and a slice of pizza in the other. It's obvious that she's rather drunk and upset (has anyone ever heard of a hamplanet making for a happy, fun presence at a party?), so Amazon gives in and asks her what's wrong. "GOD, you haven't been paying any attention at all, have you?", she slurs, "(Tumblrina #1's) dad just picked her up and (Tumbrina #2) is a fucking whore, she's fucking upstairs fucking somebody! She'll probably just pass out and leave me ALL ALONE LIKE SHE DOES AT EVERY FUCKING PARTY." While  no one was particularly sympathetic to her case, none of us wanted a pissed off butterbarge ruining all the fun, so we all scooted super close together in order to make room for the behemoth to sit down and pretend that she was one of us. Cute boy is squished up against me at this point and it's pretty clear that he's into me, he's all flushed and he's started caressing my thigh. Of course this evokes nothing but more whining and self-pity from Fluffy, so once the guys are done with Guitar Hero and the two neckbeards have gone home goth girl comes up with a brilliant distraction: "Hey, Amazon, let's set up the tent!" 'The tent' is a massive one which could easily fit ten or more human-sized individuals, sets up easily in Amazon's living room with room to spare (I told you her house was spacious), and makes for an excellent partytime playhouse. Being a little inebriated, it takes some time for the six of us to set up the tent (naturally, hammy does nothing during this time but sit on the couch with her pizza and watch), but once it's done it's so worth it and we all climb inside to relish in the fruits of our labour. The goth couple retires to one of the spare bedrooms pretty quickly after the the tent's been set up (to have kinky goth sex, no doubt) so at this point it's just me, cute boy, Amazon, her boyfriend, and of course fucking Fluffy. The party has wound down now and we're all comfy-cozy just hanging out in the tent. Amazon is blaring music on her phone and sucking her boyfriend's face clean off, while cute boy and I are side by side, legs intertwined, having a Pokémon battle. To say that Fluffy has become fifth wheel would be a drastic understatement. She fishes for Amazon's attention by whining that she's hungry, only to be met with with a scolding tone: "There aren't any more snacks, Fluffy, YOU finished the last of them an hour ago... As usual." Fluffy doesn't find this as funny as the rest of us do. I can tell she's struggling to fight back whale tears for a second but snaps out of it quickly and shrugs. "Eh. I brought my own, anyway." Fluffy then reaches into the messenger bag she's had on her person since she arrived and pulls out (brace yourself) A BOX OF FUCKING STOVETOP. INSTANT. STUFFING. WHICH SHE THEN HAPPILY STARTS MUNCHING AWAY ON AS IF IT WAS A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS. I shit you not, the fucking lardape was literally snacking om unprepared stuffing mix. Cute boy just shoots her a look of utter contempt and repulsion. Then, all of the sudden, he sets his 3DS down on his lap... And starts nuzzling into my hair and grazing his lips across my neck. That does it for Stuffing Monster, apparently, because it starts secreting canola oil out of its tear ducts and blubbering on about how much it loves him, how it's always loved him, yet is cast aside for some superficial whore because she doesn't have a perfect body (lol yeah, cute boy and I CLEARLY only connected tonight because we like each other's looks... And of course there's no middle ground whatsoever between having a perfect body and being so massive you take up over one-third of a ten man tent). About betrayal and friendzoning and how the "nice girl" never gets the guy; basically spouting every lardbucket cliche under the sun.  Stuffing crumbs mixed in with drool are falling from the corners of her mouth,  she's verbally assaulting the very man she claims to be so in love with, and no one feels sorry for her in the least (or even much reacts, they must be pretty well used to Fluffy's shenanigans by now). In fact, cute boy just rolls his eyes and declares that he's had enough, he's going to bed. I bid him goodnight, kind of disappointed that our flirting didn't go any farther and dreading the possibility of being left alone with the angered planet... And that's when he gives me the sexiest little half-smirk EVER and says "Actually, Rudegirl, I was hoping you'd be coming with me." Of course I agree and he leads me upstairs to the last available guest room where... Well, the two of us remained awake together for quite some time. ;)  Amazon and her boyfriend, also baring no desire to be left alone with Fluffy end up following suit, leaving it to sulk itself into hibernation. The next morning when we wake up Fluffy is gone, but my Facebook inbox is chock full of hateful, body-shaming messages and borderline physical threats from guess fucking who (I must've drunkenly added it the night before). Cute boy ends up playing the role of my knight in shitlord armor and tells the nasty pig to leave us BOTH alone. The psychotic beast blocks him, but not before sending one more message about how in love with him she is and what a revolting piece of trash I am... And is now cut out of the lives of cute boy AND Amazon for what she said about me. I'm still very close with Amazon, of course, and don't talk to cute boy all that much but would certainly consider him to be a friend with occasional benefits. The moral of the story: fucking dead-eyed lardtankers need to learn that everything they do is in vain. Shitladies inevitably and invariably win at everything, every single time! TL;DR- Entitled Stuffinggoblin and I attend the same party. I end up scoring with the man of her dreams while she's left alone, sobbing, and eating Stovetop straight out of the box. Annnnnd that's pretty much it. I really hope you all enjoyed my not-so-little story!