I had a fat fuck over for dinner My SO has been a little depressed lately. To try and cheer him up, I offered him to invite a friend over, and I'd be cooking a big, american style meal (he has lost his appetite, so I tried to make it sound like a good deal). After hesitating for a few days, he decided to invite a friend over. We'll call it Albert, because he reminds me of fat Albert. Albert shows up, and he is probably 6ft5, 350lbs. I was aware that he was "a little fat", thanks to my SO, but I didn't think he'd be so fat that I got scared for our sofa.    Albert showed up in the middle of the afternoon, while I was cutting up some veggies as a snack for everyone. I put them on the table with a sour cream based dip, and he asked me what's for dinner. So I tell him that I have a class to teach pretty soon, so right now, it's only veggies, but when I'll be back, I'll put some home made jalapeno poppers in the oven, and we will have a schnitzel burger with roasted cauliflower for dinner. Albert seems happy with the menu. Not like I care one bit... So we blaze it, eat some veggies, and off to class I go.    I come back maybe 2 hours later, and start prepping the poppers. I wasn't paying attention to what's going on in the living room. When it was time to serve the appetizer, i realize that there was already a dirty plate on the lounge table. With wrappers in it. I picked it up, and Albert tilted his head and mumbled a sorry. Sorry for what? I didn't understand why he'd apologize. I look down and examine the plate, and realize he ate yesterday's left over chicken, plus TWO 100g cadbury chocolate bar that we were planing on eating with fruits for dessert. Later that night, SO told me Albert ate all the leftover and chocolate by himself. He couldn't wait for me to come back. Anyway, at this point I was a little irritated because I love dessert. And now, because of fat Albert, I won't have any.     As the guys are eating the appetizer, I continue cooking, placing the chicken in the oven, and then I think of a great way to shitlord Albert.  Me: Hey Albert, do you like dessert?  Albert: Ummm yeah, like most people  Me: Too bad, there's none left.  At this point SO looked at me and gave me the "shut the fuck up" look. It was his night, his friend, so I stopped there. The message had been sent anyway.  Time to serve dinner. I made 2 double decker burgers for the guys, and a much, much smaller one for me. I serve Albert first (big mistake), my boyfriend second, and myself last. As I sit down, I look up and Albert is done already. Like 3min. He shoved it down his throat in 3min. As a good host I ask him: "Would you like a second one?" To which he replies yes. Thankfully, my SO was not too hungry and gave half of his burger to his friend. So I was able to eat in peace. Once all the food was gone, the rest of the night was uneventful.  Let's do a guestimate of the calorie count for the night...  Human:  - Carrots: 100 Cal  - 3 poppers: 250 Cal  - 1/2 double decker OR 1 small burger: 400 Cal  - a sniff of cauliflower: 20 Cal  Total: let's say about 800 Cal or, for a human, a big, festive meal that happens once every 3months  Albert:  -Carrots: 100 Cal  - 2 Cabury chocolate bars: 1000 Cal  - 3 leftover chicken rolls: 600 Cal  - 5 poppers: 450 Cal  - 1 1/2 double decker: 1200 Cal   - a sniff of cauliflower: 20 Cal.  Total: about 3500, or 4 times what I consider a MASSIVE meal for myself. That's without liquid Calories (rum and coke)  I don't want my SO to invite this grease giant ever again. He ate tonight's dinner as a snack FFS. I don't know what I was expecting...      ** Edit:** Add 2 200 Cal pot cookies to his list. I fuckin made those for my friend with insomnia. She was so sad to know she went from 5 to 3.