Hams Shouldn't Handle Protection Dogs I'm going to tell you guys the story of how I almost got mauled by a big-ass German Shepherd because of a ham's blatant disregard for my well being. I used to be part of a Schutzhund club. Schutzhund is a dog sport, evolved from old-school protection work. It focuses on a dog's agility, "prey" drive, and obedience; this means there's bite work. Usually, bite work is handled by the "helper" with a large sleeve that protects the person's arm from the 230 psi in a dog's mouth. Remember that number. We were in a large field, but we were close enough that normal people could communicate effectively. Ham (Hamdler) is wearing a tarp with "Don't Mess With My Shepherd" in blinding pink, tucked under her fupa with the help of a fanny pack. In the fanny pack, mind you, were pieces of McBetus the ham decided she would use as treats for her dog. The femayo has her dog in a heel (sitting by her side), and the dog is visibly excited about being able to work. I was the designated helper for the day, and I was at the end of the field. Hamdler is repeating "can I send her" in a squeaky, overly-excited voice that is getting the dog more and more riled up. I tell her to stop talking, and to wait for my command. Hamdler pouts like a toddler, then reaches down to "console" her dog about not being able to bite yet. Her "consolation" consists of petting the dog's fur backwards and patting hard enough for an audible thump when her sausage disk hits the dog's side; these are both things used to get a dog even more excited to run and bite at the sleeve. As my mentor and I are talking about what I need to do to not mess up the dogs and not get seriously injured, the Hamdler is repeatedly asking for the helper (me) to come out with the sleeve. And out the sleeve comes. Hamdler starts asking again - "can I send her, can I send her, can I send her", each responded with "wait for the signal". As soon as I turned my back, I heard multiple screams and a "ready or not". Mind you, I'm a short and scrawny fucker - 5'3 and 100lbs - people do not simply launch a German Shepherd at that without an absolute ready. But hams aren't people, so it did, and I whipped around to see what was happening. I got my sleeve half-on and tried to catch the dog to the best of my abilities, but the dog hit me so hard it ended up flinging me over and knocking me out. I just remember hearing the ham cackling like it wasn't potentially fatal situation. The dog broke and cracked a few teeth, and I was left with bruising and elbow problems. Hamdler's USCA membership was taken away (I believe), and the club now has a "no dogs on the field until protective gear is on" rule. I never got an apology, nothing - the ham actually told me it was my fault because I wasn't doing my job. Figures.