Epic rant for fats who would yoga. This is for fat ass lurkers who want advice and for actual humans who wish to share it and motivate their fat acquaintances.  I offer this advice because I hate your bodies and your weakness and your filthy, lazy habits.  You are shit to me.   Increasingly I find myself obsessed with violent thoughts against you.  My natural instinct of peace towards my fellow (wo)mankind is being eroded every time I observe you failing at some mundane task such as wheezing your way up a flight of stairs (I want to strangle you), straining to squat to pick up something you dropped (I want to push you face first on the floor), taking a break from walking to occupy a whole bench (I want to knee strike you in the stomach), stuffing your face with shit (I want to stuff a tube down your throat and pour in hot melted butter until you choke).   In an effort to keep myself from completely losing my shit at the site of you I'm offering you some advice to fix yourself before I permanently fix you.   If you want to lose weight and get strong and look good and you are permanently committed to that goal I highly recommend yoga.  Here is some practical advice. A week before you attend a yoga class stop drinking alcohol and stop the use of any tobacco products.  (This includes you fraternity fat-boys that chew tobacco!  Two disgusting habits are your fat beer gut and fucked up tobacco face.) Change your diet a week in advance.  Stop eating shit.  Eat healthful fruits and veggies.  I'm not going to tell you to stop eating meat and dairy completely but there are plenty of people that look amazing and they exclusively eat fruit, raw veggies and nuts.  No more taco bell and ice cream and processed shit.  No more wonder bread.   Choose the correct yoga.  You need to find a nice studio that offers heated or hot power vinyasa or sculpt classes.  Minimum time in each class should be 60 minutes.  If you are lucky you will find 75 minute and even 90 minute heated classes.  Do your research ahead of time.  Drive to various studios 15 or 20 minutes ahead of the start time and see who is attending.  If studios or classes are filled with grannies or fellow planets, avoid those places.  Look for studios with people that look like Candace. If Candace is my motivation she can be motivation for your fat ass.  Everyone that gives a shit wants to look like Candace and not like some weak fat ass.  If you see a studio that offers a hot power yoga class and it looks like its filling up with young women like Candace, go there. Buy a special yoga towel to cover the yoga mat.  I personally use manduka yogitoes.  If the class is right it will be warm or even hot and you are going to sweat so much that you will have no grip on your yoga mat and there is a potential for you to slip in your puddles of sweat and break your fat neck on the floor.  Don't worry about buying a yoga mat you can rent one. Dress appropriately.  Men wear only workout shorts.  Women should wear workout or yogi shorts with a workout top or a sports bra.  Yes I'm serious fat people.  I'm suggesting you wear minimal clothing so that all the world will see your fat body.  Three (3) reasons.  1st.  Its fucking hot in the studio and you want to be as cool as possible.  2nd.  Yoga requires stretching and movement and you will be constrained if you wear clothing.  Even tee-shirts constrain your arm movement.  3rd.  You are a fat slob and you might as well acknowledge this fact in front the people who you know are stronger and hotter than you. Every time you drop to your knees because your pudgy fat arms can’t hold you in plank you can look around you at the enviable arms pounding out push-ups and holding low plank and feel motivated.  Every time you sit down because the mass of fat hanging off your belly and your sides makes it impossible to fully breathe you will see beautiful toned abs around you and hear deep and controlled ujayi breathing and you will be motivated.  Breath is your best friend.  If you can’t breathe you die.  When it leaves you during a pose you will never in your life feel more vulnerable and exposed and weak.  And you will never feel more regret about your fat body then when you can’t breathe and Candace who is next to you breathes well. Breathe like it was your last breath from the beginning to the end of the class.  Always through your nose.  Inhale deep into your fat belly and watch it rise, then fill your lungs and watch your udders rise, then finally into your throat.  When you can’t inhale any more air you may exhale.  The exhale is slow and controlled.  Exhale all the air.  ALL of it.  Use your abs and draw your belly in to your spine to get all the air out.  If at any point you want to quit then look at Candace’s abs and watch how she breathes.  Use your damned abs to draw in your belly to your spine to empty the air!  I can't repeat this enough!  You must fucking exhale fully before you inhale again!  Breathe like this through every pose and series of poses and in between poses and don’t change the rhythm of your breathing until you given specifically different breathing instructions.   Go long, deep, and strong. This is incorrect.  It is neither deep not strong and I don't care how long it can hold this pose since its incorrect.This is correct. Hold your poses as long as you can without coming out of them.  Breathe like a shitlord and not a fatass to sustain the pose.  If it feels too long just breathe.  Just fucking breathe fat ass.  Don’t quit until you are about to die.  Go deeply into your poses.  As deep as you can without feeling pain. Strengthen your poses.  Warrior 2 seems like it only works your legs.  Wrong fatass.  Spread your fingers wide so you can feel your forearms twitch.  Extend your batwing arms fully like you are reaching in opposite directions for food that is inches away from you and you can almost get it if you could reach half an inch more and then you could stuff yourself. Stretching like this will cause you to flex your triceps and shoulders and over time the arm fat you purge will be replaced by toned muscle.  Turn your fat face towards your front finger and hold your gaze so you can strengthen your neck and lose your double and triple chin.  Breathe like a shitlord (see above paragraph.) Clench what little bit of muscle you have underneath the fat on your ass.  Imagine you are standing on ice and your girth is causing your feet to splay further and further apart and you are about to split! What muscles would you use to bring your feet back together on that ice?  Now do it fat ass. Go to class three (3) days in a row.  You may then take a one (1) day break.  Then repeat.  Assuming you eat a balanced, nutritious meal, you can lose 50lbs of fat every year.  You will also gain muscle.  Eventually you will be a shitlord.  If you quit you will remain forever a shit to me.  I want to kill you but am restrained by the law and by deeply ingrained evolutionary instincts to find peace with my fellow humans.  (You are severely testing that limit because often I forget that you are human.)  If you quit all of the shitlords in your life (to the extent they exist) will mock you behind your back and increasingly they will do it openly.   All of the shitlords in your yoga class will forget about you and lump you into the pile of fellow sub-humans without faces who failed.    Final warning.  One day the zombie apocalypse will occur and you will be completely alone, hungry, knocking on doors for help, scared shitless.  You will manage to walk up my three flights of stairs and you will lean against my door and knock and wheeze for help.  At that moment I will open the door and laugh at you.  I will then punch you in the face until you cry.  I will then strip your fat ass naked and make you look at yourself in my full length mirror.  I will laugh at you and poke your various fat parts and punch you in your disgusting cow gut.  I will then jump on you from behind and choke your fat cow neck with my arms like Westley did to Fezzick in The Princess Bride.  You will see your own fat arms flailing about in the mirror and trying to breathe and every attempted labored breath you take I will squeeze my shitlady arms tighter around your fat neck.  Unlike Westley (so hot!) I will not have compassion on you. I won’t stop squeezing until you are dead.    Then I will render your fat into oil and make napalm to fight the zombies.