Why does Japan have the highest life expectancy? Because of heroes like my shitlord grandma, who has saved more people from obesity than any cardiovascular surgeon, fact!  She knows that ridicule is the most effective means of social control and is a manifestation of our playful nature, not our hateful nature.   An energetic ray of sunshine in full Lolita garb, looking hardly a day over 20 (to fat white people), she gets off the plane and cannot stifle the giggles at the parallel universe before her where pigs are rooting and snorting about pretending to do people stuff!  She points at a herd, overcome with laughter, "Look at them waddle like big babies! Who changes their diapers?"   The grunting ensues and we begin to cower.  But she he adorably sumo waddles away, exaggerating heaves and pants, and us grandkids follow suit.  This is the first time we've met her, and our stomachs already hurt from laughing by the time we get to the car.   We go to Wal-Mart because giving your Japanese grandma scooty puffs is like being your American grandma's plus one to church, nothing can make you feel more selfless than giving that kind of mirth.  She sees the cess pool of poor hygiene and hacking and  goes back to the car  for her surgical mask and classy ass gloves before she hosts a pig-roast in the plus-size section.  We play how many princesses can an American beast devour as she takes a selfie with all three of us in a this hilarious mod color-blocked circus tent for her so she has proof for her friends.  She was totally naive to how big Americans really were.   At the house, she makes Japanese salads, fish, and rice for our weaboo diabetic double-chinned girlfriends, the best shy girls can get, who of course used to carry us around like their Totoro accessories in attempt to be as cute as Japanese girls.  NO PLEASE YOU DONT WANT TO MEET HER. Noooo, we love Japanese choco-crisco sticks and eat chinese buffet every week! We  LOVE Japanese food! Grandma asks how much us grandkids want and then gives our friends ONE FUCKING SPOONFUL OF CARROT SALAD.  Such spineless marshmallows, they just eat it while getting lectured about moderation.  The ginger burned their mac n' cheese palates, but at school they stab at nuggets with chopsticks wedged in their pig trotters.  LMAO.  So fucking happy to have turned into a responsible confident adult, while they're literally bed-ridden from diabetes in mommy's trailer watching J-pop videos, wishing it was them.   I have tooons of more stories, but does anyone have some about their Japanese relatives?