Get comfortable, it's going to be a long one Hey all, I've been busy lately, but finally had a break. I have 3 weeks of shitlording and fathate to fill you in on. It's been far too long.  Reeeetail Pig:  About 3 weeks ago, I went shopping for some shorts. Dressing rooms are near the service desk and registers. While trying on clothes I hear employees talking. I ignore the details but, pick up on a theme - lazy worker. Let's call it "blobtard."  Example conversations:  "Hey blobtard, did you do this?"  "Wat?! Snort of course I did."  -10 minutes later-  "Blobtard, I checked and no you didn't!"  "Oh that? It was because I was on lunch break Oink oink and I had better stuff to do!" "Blobtard, did you eat my lunch?"  "Huh? Burp  sorry, I haven't ate since this morning."  " My lunch is gone! My dying great aunt, Sarah, made me some ravioli in creamy Alfredo sauce."  "Well, burp that's tough. I'm sure that burp whoever took it enjoyed it very mu-"burp" a lot." -Proper grammer is "whomever," bitch. "Blobtard, could you take these hangers to the back?"  "Sorry slurp I have to slurp check the receipt papersluuurp."  When I leave the dressing room, I blobtard frsthand. Tthe former femayo is looking 80 but acts like s teenager an has an xtra-large big gulp. Nearest 7-11? About a 30 minute drive from the store. Whatever, I got what I need and  I'm ready to go. I'm heading towards registers. For the first time in years, blobtard gets some exercise and waves me down. Fuck it, registers look packed.  "Hello, did you find everything you desire today?"  The ham says this while eyeing me like a fucking piece of cake. So I pull out my phone and mumble a reply. Blobtard keeps trying to flirt. I hold stone-faced like Easter Island. Blobtard hands me the receipt and says, "let me write down my number, in case you have a problem wearing those shorts."  I look it dead in the eyes and say, "The only thing you can do to get me out of my shorts is kill yourself"  I walked away warmed by the savory smell of buttertears as it tried to talk like human.. Didn't even take the recipient. One pair of shorts is too big so I bought a belt.  The drooling swine:  My mother got sick, I agree to take her to store for more medicine. We go to cold aisle, deciding which is best. A swine shitstain, wearing a traffic cone colored shirt, with a neckbeard approaches. It lurks in the distance, but the gravitational disturbance made me aware of its presence. It has learnt to imitate local language. " I uh sniff everyone cough cough it's cold season sniiiif uh yeah." I glance back and wish I had turned to a pillar of salt. Fat fuck has mucus and saliva pouring down its face and grease stains all over its shirt.  I am as sure as shits from taco Bell  not going to speak to the abomination. It keeps babbling to itself. I decide to take my sweet time and block piggy from the sugar filled cough drops that it surely craves. After some time it tries to reach by and grab the cough drops. I see a skintag-covered arm and shout out, in the crowded aisle, " you miserable pig, shower once in a while!" I hear some chuckles around me as porkfat stammered and eventually hung its head in shame while waiting for cough drops. I grabbed a couple bags of SUGAR FREE ones, and tossed them in its cart. Later, I cut in front of 4 fats to order fried chicken. I'm in great shape, so my mother gives me an eyebrow. I loudly tell her that moderation is key. Human error:  Same event. We're ready for check out. I only want to kill myself a little. Choice between betty white and circumference=pi r squared. We choose poorly. The definition of a pig with makeup, I left phone in car, fell like I saw the fucked up version of bigfoot. It rests its gut on the walmart scale. It swipes my veggies, I notice price is high. I ask the expanding universe to rescan the veggies. It grumbles and obliges. High weight again. I ask it to scan them again without pushing on the scale while motioning to my belly.. It looks confused and glances down. It turns red and steps back. Reasonable price scans. I put on sunglasses and hum "Baker Street" while counting my blessings for being out of there.  +1 whale  I stop by an office. Secretary will be back soon. I sit on waiting couch.  Blue shirt whale mumbles something and sits next to me. Takes up 5/8 of couch. I get up and move to chair. Super cute foreigner comes into office asking looking confused. I step up and guide her to nearby office. When I return briefly, whale has begun feasting. I see Cheeto and Frito bags on floor, while the whale is eating from a lays bag, bugals bag, and pork rinds. These are family sized bags, not personal. Whale remarks about how dumb some people are "referring to lost foreigner." I flipped it off and left.  Fat whore packing angel cake:  The name will be perfectly clear soon. Let's call it fupa-c. So I have a lab this semester with assigned groups. I get two people I know and a sack of shit. First day, fupa-c doesn't do shit and sits around the whole time eating, checking its phone, and criticizing the group. I'm too busy to deal with this shit. We finish late because fupa-c can't add. Next week before class I run into one of the group members. Found a fellow fathater talking shit about the shebeast. As we're walking to class, we see fupa-c shoving face with an angel cake. We look in disgust and take a picture. I cant upload because the bitch is in front of a school logo. The blubberball gets up and grabs orange juice, dumps a hand-full of sweet-in-low packets into it, and gulps the thin down. We go to lab and walk away from the car crash. Fupa-shows up about 20 minutes late with 3 cliff-bars, a bag of variety candy (the kind you buy to hand out on Halloween), and a half empty 2-liter of mountain dew (the campus doesn't sell 2-liter bottles). It lies and blames traffic. The lab doesn't allow food or drinks but butter tears convinces the type-2 instructor that condishions make it okay.  Whatever. I give the humans orders and set off to do my part. It follows me while eating and pretending to be useful. It constantly give me wrong instructions. I start flirting with a shitlady classmate and focus on how in shape she is. Fupa-huffs and leaves to suck up some crisco. I eventually reconvene with group and ask what they did. Most everything they say is wrong procedure. Who misguided them? Fupa-c of course!  We have to come in next day to fix the mistake. Fupa-c says it's busy of course. I take care of it and leave for class. I see the fat disgusting cunt sitting around and eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Now listen here FPH, I may exaggerate sometimes (as everyone does). I am 100% serious when I say that this fuck was sitting around at 6 in the morning, in the science building, eating Ben and Jerry's. The earliest classes start at 8. It said that today was too full to come and fix the problem.  Earlier this week, I met with a girl in the lab for a study date before class. Good times were had until a wild fupa-c appears. It waddles over eating from a box of captain crunch. It spits pieces of chewed marshmallow while it talks.  "Are you two ready for class."  I reply, "yep, looks like you're getting your sugar rush on for class."  It looks at me offended and says, "I missed breakfast so I have to eat before lunch"  It's not even 10 yet.  Fatty sits down with us uninvited. I suggest to the girl that we should go to the classroom. Fatty grabs girl by the arm and starts talking about diets. Fatty McFupa-c says, " you should really eat like me if you want to look prettier, you have too much baby fat "  I'm not having this and interject, "baby fat is better than belly fat."   "Well you're too skinny!" My blossoming six-pack glared at it. It offered more "beauty" advice to the girl. Girl says, "no thanks, I'd rather stick to staying in shape. I fall in love and leave the beast to feed. Every Tuesday I'll have to deal with this shit. For 14 more weeks. You lucky bastards get stories. I get to drink myself to sleep to forget these horrors. Shitladies, please send pics because the man in your life won't mind. It's clearly for a good cause. Thanks for reading! Stay skinny