A Tale of Two FUPAs My story is from this past winter. I'm still so angry...  On a cold Saturday, my brother and his two young sons visited my condo. The kids are excitedly carrying their swimming gear because we're going to use the indoor pool.  Everyone gets in the pool and minutes we start having a blast! The enormous pool is empty except just the four of us in the shallow end (the kids can't swim yet). 30 minutes in, the door opens and two old whales enter the room.  These grease goblins are unbelievably fat, 300+ pounds and short. Their matching one-piece bathing suits were so large they could be used as a tent to shelter Syrian refugees.  I cringe as they enter the pool. It feels like the water level rises a few inches as their bellies displace water in all directions. The bile in my throat rises as I picture their FUPA fluids mixing into the pool and splashing on my face.  Both whales glare in our direction and begin flailing around in the deep end practicing some sort of aquatic dance. Their 'routine' doesn't go near the shallow end. Moments later a whale song hums through the air and realize one of them is speaking to me,  "Excuse me! Why are there kids in the pool? Kids are only allowed in the pool weekdays between 4 and 5 pm!" I stare blankly. Never in 5 years has anyone mentioned this 'rule'. I swim laps all the time and children are regularly using the pool with me. Besides, we're only using part of the shallow end.  At first I try being nice,  "The kids are having a great time and they're only in the shallow end. We won't get in your way." They get red faced at this answer and look on the verge of crying greasy tears. The arguing begins.  "We're calling security"  "Go for it." "You're going to get kicked out! This is adult time in the pool." "You're both disgusting. Lose some weight! Adult time? We need 'fit time' to keep fatties out of the pool!" They decide to call security. To get to the pool-side phone one of the whales has to breach the surface and waddle over. As it turns away from us, we get a disgusting view of cottage cheese ass. Ugh. Out-of-breath and angry, it calls security.  Security takes 20 minutes to show up, during which, my brother and I make sure the kids are being loud and having fun. Security guy arrives looking bored. He's apologetic but points out a stained piece of paper tacked to the wall that lays out the ridiculously limited times when kids can use the pool. Now, at this point the boys are getting tired and should probably leave anyways, but instead of calmly asking them to wrap it up I point at the fatties: "These 'people' are forcing you to leave the pool." The older boy is pissed.  "Why do we need to leave? Why do they care if we're in the pool?" I stare over at the whales.  "Because they're obese, old, and selfish." The younger kid starts crying. I take my time helping them get out of the pool so the butter beasts get to see how they made a child cry. We leave. 20 minutes later, I walk by the pool room and see the whales still in the deep end flopping around and (presumably) looking for plankton to eat. They weren't using the shallow end at all.  I was fucking furious.