Pizza fatty calls the feefee police For those of you who didn't see it, I was venting about my fat coworkers the other day. We work at a pizza place. I'm a delivery driver. Fun stuff! You are now officially caught up. So, earlier this evening, I was at work and I had the sincere pleasure of getting to work with Always-in-the-way-fat-chick once more. True to her name, Always-in-the-way-fat-chick was, once again... always in the way. I swear, every time I was doing something important, this tub of lard decided to walk at the slowest pace she could possibly muster in between me and whatever I was working on. I mean, shit. At least make an effort to waddle faster when someone's calling out things like, "Excuse me," "Please move," and "I kinda need over there. Likerightnow." But, of course, she made no such effort. That would burn too many precious calories. Finally, my patience ran out once more. I'm usually a pretty chill person. But at work? I'm all about being quick and efficient. If you start fucking with my efficiency, we're going to have problems. This fat bitch was fucking with my efficiency. We had problems. I had two orders up that I was about to take on a run and one of them was already running late (boo). So I was working at warp drive speed. Getting my shit together. I bounded back over to the heat rack (where the pizzas are kept warm while they're waiting to get delivered) to snatch up one of my orders, but before I grabbed it, I was scanning the labels on the boxes, triple checking to make sure everything was correct. So, of course, since I'm in a hurry and, you know, fucking doing my job, Always-in-the-way-fat-chick decided to take that time to lumber by, slower than a fucking turtle caught in a pit of tar. Right in between me and my order. "EXCUSE ME," I called out. Did she acknowledge me? Of course not. Maybe she's hard of hearing. Maybe all that fat is blocking her ears. Who the fuck knows. All I do know is that I made her aware of the fact that I needed her to move her fucking lumpy ass and she did not comply. Without even thinking, I reached out with my left hand and applied a bit of pressure to her shoulder to guide her out of the way. In my peripheral, I registered her glancing over said shoulder to shoot me a beady-eyed glare, but I was too busy right then to put up with her wounded feefees. We got boxes of greasy goodness to deliver, yo. So, let's fast forward. I'm back from my run, pizzas all delivered. Things are looking good! I passed my favorite manager on the way in and we bantered a bit and then I got all my stuff sorted. Receipts turned in, pizza bags tucked away. And then favorite manager called out to me, "Hey! Come over here for a minute." Heh. Okay. I've done something worthy of notice. I figured it was probably something good, but I was prepared for it to be something bad as well. He took me around back with my second favorite manager tagging along for the ride. Two managers? Probably something bad, then. So, of course, I asked the obvious question: "Am I in trouble?" Favorite manager: "A little bit." SURPRISE SURPRISE. Always-in-the-way-fat-chick had complained about me shoving her. Shoving her. WEE WOO WEE WOO. SOMEONE CALL THE FEEFEE POLICE. WE GOT US A CASE OF HURT HAM FEEFEES OVER HERE. It took all my willpower to not start laughing hysterically when the two managers brought this to my attention. This girl is shorter than I am, sure, but she's so wide that when she's waddling down the hallway, I have to flatten myself against the wall to keep from being sucked into her gravitational pull. Even throwing all my weight into the effort, there's no way I could, in all actuality, shove her. But whatever. I gave my side of the situation (ie. she's always in the fucking way and doesn't move even when I ask her politely to move), apologized, and we went back to work. No biggie. I know that pulling me aside was just a formality since I had had a complaint lodged against me. But this gets better. Maybe ten minutes later, I was passing by my second favorite manager in close quarters and I reached out with my elbow to give him a little "boop" on his back. He immediately whipped around and exclaimed, "Geeze, vegansdoitbetter, we JUST had a talk about this," before he began wandering about the back of the store and whining loudly about how violent and abusive I was and how I had "hit him" and "hurt him so bad." Always-in-the-way-fat-chick was off the clock at this point, but she was hanging out in the back of the store, in the way as per usual for NO GOOD REASON. I suppose her life outside of work is so fucking nonexistent that she has nothing better to do. Hearing second favorite manager making a fuss, she huffed out, "Who hit you?" Hearing her wheezing, I poked my head around the corner and flashed her the biggest smile I could manage. "I did! I hit him so hard. Because I'm just mean like that." Second favorite manager quickly agreed, playing along, just drawing more attention to how absurd it was to accuse me, the little vegan over here, of pushing anyone around. And it was glorious. The look that broke out across her fat fucking face? I swear, she looked like she had just sucked on an entire bag of lemons. And she shut her pizza-guzzling maw after that. That's right, bitch. Nice job trying to get me in trouble. BUT YOU FAILED. JUST LIKE YOU FAIL AT EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE. (Bonus bit of fat hate by one of my lovely human-sized coworkers for those of you who made it through all that text: This girl is the one who pulls the pizzas (and other things) out of the oven and gets them boxed up and ready to go. And she's amazing at it. We call her the Oven Wizard. She's also super hot. Like... 15/10. If I had a dick, I would want to stick it in her. But anyway. That's not the point of this side story. The point is that I wandered over close to her station at one point earlier tonight and she looked over at me and called out, "This person ordered honey chipotle wings AND five sides of honey chipotle sauce to dip them in. They're already swimming in sauce!" She then screamed, "FAT FUCKING AMERICANS. Jesus, I hate this country." I promptly developed a girl crush on her and openly proclaimed my love before I went back to work.)