Hammate Hell (Weeks 10-12) Only four more weeks to go before I get winter break away from this hammy, shitlords. Sadly my lease is for the full academic year so I have to come back to this hell of fat and passive-aggression and stay until early May 2016.  Intro Weeks 1-3 Weeks 4-6 Weeks 7-9 Insecure Hammate Came in and Hammate was thoroughly pissed. She was busy cooking yet another entire  2-pound bag of fried chicken fingers and made sure to throw the pans around in the kitchen to let me know that she was angry. I couldn’t give less of a fuck if you’re throwing a tantrum, you fat sow. I also bought a locking doorknob for my room so she can’t get in again. She asked my boyfriend what he was doing while he was helping me install it and I was outside taking a call. He told her that I didn’t want to get stolen from but was vague about who was stealing from me. Apparently Hammy played dumb, thinking I hadn’t told my boyfriend about her breaking into my room last week. Ham had another random guy over from Tinder. Got suspicious since I know she now has a BF. I didn’t say anything to her but I’m pretty sure she’s cheating on him. Not sure whether or not to tell him since he IS a pig-fucker, after all. Ham got a job at Forever XXI which is weird as shit. Who the hell hired that fat sack of shit? She was convinced her, me, and Gymbros had to all party together on a TUESDAY NIGHT. I refused to drink and smoke since I have shit to do tomorrow and the Gymbros weren’t that keen either. She threw a fucking hissy fit and started “playfully” punching Gymbro A hoping he would give in and drive her to some BBQ place where she could eat and drink. Long story short we didn’t take her because Gymbro A was about to punch her lights out for being so annoying. Grymbros and I smoked out and as per usual, didn’t bring enough food to deal with munchies. Hammate texted (probably knew we were excluding her; good) telling Gymbro A that she had some burritos for us from her workplace. That lured him over as our emissary but apparently by the time he got there, all of them had been eaten by her (he said there were at least three empty wrappers). We went burrito-less that night; it was a damn, DAMN shame. Hammate brought yet another desperate anon from YikYak to fuck in the middle of the day. I thank the lord I have sound-proof headphones. Hammate made box-mix chocolate-chip cookies at 12:30 am. She burnt them and the fire alarm was going off for a good ten minutes because she’s too stupid to figure out how to turn it off. After I realized she wasn’t going to take care of it herself I walked outside to turn it off for her and saw her polishing off the entire batch of cookies in front of her computer with her earphones in. She decided that instead of figuring out how to turn off the fire alarm, she was going to put in her earphones and ignore it, making either me, Slenderella, or Norma take care of it for her. No doubt we’re getting another noise complaint from our neighbors Hammy and three of her “friends” (other hams from her class) came over to drink and watch shitty TLC shows. They had at least two bottles of pink wine among all three of them and were screeching in infuriating “laughter” until 12:00 am when I lost my patience. I went out there and told the two guests that they had to leave. Thankfully they cleared off without much drama but Hammate was telling me how much of a “bitch” I was and how I just “didn’t want her to have any friends”. I felt like I was arguing with a 12 year old. It’s college you cow, some of us have early classes.  One of Hammate’s friends from last night says she’s going to be staying with us for a few days. Although the friend isn’t nearly as fat as Hammate, she’s still a porker. If this “few days” turns into more than a week, I’m reporting Hammate to the RA. Saw Hammate taking out the trash by putting it in her car, driving it to the dumpster that’s about 100 feet away from the dorm. My boyfriend and I spent a good 15 minutes laughing about what a fat, lazy piece of shit she is. When she came back inside from driving to the trashcan and back, she asked us what was wrong. BF and I said nothing and went inside of my room, since we didn’t want to be reported to the RA for “bullying”. Woke up to go to the gym, went in the kitchen to grab a banana before I took off and saw remnants of Hammate’s breakfast molding on the stove. A slop of at least four eggs, a half-pound of bacon, sausage, ham, and ketchup was resting in the pan and stayed there until I got back over an hour later. Complained to Hammate about it (and the putrid smell) and she told me that she was planning to heat up the leftovers for later, so she left them on the stove for convenience. Those eggs sat on the stove (at least) until I went to bed at midnight that night. /vomit/ Had weekly hangout with Gymbros. Hammate invited herself along with me. Saw pain in my poor friends’ eyes as she demanded to smoke with us (we had dropped $40; didn’t want to share with someone who didn’t pay). Gymbro A flat-out told her that unless she pitched in, she wasn’t going to smoke. After pouting for a few minutes she found some beer in Gymbro A’s fridge and chugged a bottle without asking him. Gymbro A is pissed but not furious (beer was shitty/cheap anyway) but amazingly, given Hammate’s BMI, she’s a total lightweight and is already tipsy. Starts clinging to poor Gymbro J (skinny dude never stood a chance) and he bails the fuck out of there like he heard cops. Hammate asks me and Gymbro A if Gymbro J seems into her. Gymbro A responds: “He doesn’t want to date you because he doesn’t want to die. You’d suffocate him.” Hammate ‘teehees’ thinking it’s cute and kinky and I almost vomit. This is the only creature on earth that can make Afghan Kush not a beautiful journey into euphoria. Night ruined. Another morning going out to the gym means another morning seeing what Hammate is cooking. This time she’s heating up a burrito she bought last night before she crashed Gymbros’ and I’s weekly “party”. She asks me why I’m going to the gym after having a late night last night. I tell her that going to the gym in the mornings actually gives me more energy for the rest of the day. She looks at me like I’m an idiot and tells me that that makes no sense since I’m just “wasting energy” (yes, she actually said going to the gym was “wasting energy”). I just shrugged and left. Boyfriend picked me up today after classes and Hammate was in front of the T.V. munching on a bag of leftover Halloween candy and watching some reality show. She brings up last night’s smoke session hoping to get me in trouble since I was hanging out with guys. He shuts her down saying he doesn’t care and that I’m allowed to do what I want and be friends with who I want. I’m getting this disgusting, sneaking suspicion that she’s trying to get my BF mad at me so she can have in on that. Sorry porky, my BF fucks women, not pigs. Putting laxatives in food before Hammate eats it is illegal.  I am liable and could be charged with poisoning her since I knowingly put a medication in the cupcakes, planning that she would eat them, without her consenting to taking the medication. I understand that would be fun but it could also get me landed in prison and I’m pretty sure I can’t complete gradschool behind bars. Additionally, spy-cameras are not allowed in my dorm complex. According to the front-desk (yes, I asked them specifically since you guys were so adamant about it) this policy is due to co-ed dormmates filming each other without their permission which is both creepy and illegal when distributed on the internet without consent of the one being filmed.