Account Deleted By User I don't tend to drink much these days. My job (tattoos) requires me to be fully alert and steady handed and I can't afford (nor would I want to), be hungover, for my clients sake. Even more so I am healthy and don't want to ruin my runs that week by skipping because I'm groggy.  But from time to time I like many other like to go for a drink after work. Saturday last week came by and me and the mrs decided we would go out with a couple of friends to a local pub. 2, 3, 4, 5 drinks go by and we start getting tipsy.  Now I'm a short guy (5'6") by almost everyone's standards, but then so is my gf (5'4"). But we are both pretty outspoken, and when we get drunk we become more amplified versions of ourselves.  Now, you know that part of your brain you develop in early childhood which 'filters' things you think from what you say?  Well when I'm drunk that vanishes and so does hers.  So my gf goes to the bathroom and my mate is off buying another round of drinks. And as I'm sitting at our empty table (coincidentally checking FPH), a giant watermelon on stilts is standing in front of my table. As my hazy eyes focused I realised it was a gargantuan ham with a bright green 'dress' that pathetically attempted to conceal/reduce the number of rolls it had. It had bleached yellow hair that looked like a packet of ramen noodles (like a more masculine version of this https://imgoat.com/v/3480)).  "Hi I'm Beatrice" 'Holy fuck did it say its name was Beetus??' "Sorry I didn't catch that..." I was trying so hard not to laugh my eyes were streaming.  "Are you ok?" "Yes, yes my eyes just... water when... when something's funny."  "What's funny??" It demanded as it had no doubt demanded seconds for dessert for 25 years of its slothful existence. It shoved its meaty sausages on its hips trying to look serious. It was like a child's cartoon with its noodle hair, sagging fupa, and black lipstick. It sat down opposite me.  "I saw you sitting here alone and thought you were really hot..."  Just at this very second my friend comes back with the drinks and slams them on the table. He was way more wasted than when he got up and must have done a few shots.  "Who's this bloke? Do you know him?" The manatee looked at him horrified and I couldn't take it anymore. I burst out laughing so hard my ribs hurt. "What? What's funny??" My mate shouted.  The hog stood up, its fupa knocking over an empty glass smashing it, destroying its attempted statement of seriousness, and I laughed even harder.  "I'M A WOMAN" "Holy shit dude it's a chick!" We both cracked up and just then my mrs came back, and asked what was so funny.  "It's a chick!" My friend shouted while tearing up again, pointing at the ham, and my mrs pipes up - "Women don't have guts that hang below their dresses. And they don't usually smell so bad either".  I was in tears and so was my mate. The hambeast Reee'd to management and we had to leave but it was so fucking funny.  So there's my story of drunken Shitlording. If you're ever in London, DM me and we can all get kicked out of some shithole that caters to farmyard animals together.  I know this was a longer one that some of my rants/discussions but fuck it, it cracked me up. Thanks if you managed to get this far! TL;DR  Androgynous ham tried to hit on me, found only failure and public humiliation instead.