REEEEEEtail job hams. So, my second job, the little retail shop I work at, recently hit number one in the district for budget and sales. Our REEEEward for this, you may ask? Complimentary gym memberships? Gift cards to a sporting goods store? A free fucking walk on the beach? Lol, no.  If you guessed 'the beetus feast to end all beetus feasts', then you would be correct.  They ordered so much pizza (there are only a dozen or so employees working here... less... much less, if we're talking human sized humans), that I'm surprised it didn't need to be airlifted in.  We're talking a dozen... a fucking dozen! extra large pies.  That's about one pie per person, for those of you who didn't math.  In other words, enough grease to give any dermatologist a nightmare, and any zit remedyeverybody wants something, they'll never give up! salesman an erection. Of course, most of us had a shift this day (and those that didn't, were invited to come in and partake in the REEEEward), so when it came to lunches and breaks, there were usually three or so planets in orbit around the cheese giant known as Pizzelgeuse.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a 'food shamer'.  I like pizza.  I like burgers.  I like all that calorie dense stuff.  I like it in moderation, though.  And when I do, I go for quality over quantity.  So, my first mistake, was to grab a slice of this monument to grease and regret. Taking the first bite, I noticed the cheese was low quality (like the milk used to make it was produced form the cow equivalent of fatty, self-entitled, minimum wage workers in a shit job)... the toppings (looked like ground beef, and some sort of 'sausage'... vegetables? ...hahah, no) were, of the wet cardboard variety, and the crust, though it made a crunch, belied any texture and mouth feel one would associate with these noises.  My second mistake was taking a second, much smaller bite. This bite was the equivalent of taking a sip of sour milk, then coming back to it, after leaving the carton on the counter overnight... you know, just in case it magically got better.  Sort of like giving it one more try with an ex. Anyway, at this point, I was thoroughly disgusted, so wandered over to the garbage, and proceeded to toss the slice of pizza nightmares out.  A co-porker saw me, and squealed "You're wasting food!" ...I took a look at him, fixing a gaze at his Panniculus-soon-to-be-Morbidus, and said "So are you." I left the lunch room, to sounds of REEEEEE, REEEEEE, condishuns! REEEEEE ghunetiks REEEEE! oink!wheeze