A wedding with hams Again, this is a bit long! Yesterday I posted about the bachelorette party that was ruined by hams. On to the wedding: It was a low key affair, outdoors, about 100 guests. A family friend had loaned their property by a lake so we had to do all of the cleaning, arranging, and setting up by ourselves. No problem. It was a beautiful day and basically all we had to do was hang light strings and lanterns in the trees, set up tables, finalize decorations, the usual. The wedding was at 5pm, and the wedding party was asked to be there around 10am to setup. It was a fun bunch of people to work with, except for one. Hammy, the sister of the groom, shows up around lunch time in her bridesmaids dress gripping a greasy bag of fast food. She sits and eats her lunch while we keep setting up. As she finishes chugging her megasoda, the scheduled catered lunch shows up. Guess who eats twice? But this one is just a snack, teehee! Got to have plenty of energy for someone else's big day! After lunch, she complains that she can't walk around because of her heels and she'll just help in the kitchen. Meanwhile, the groomsmen and I are climbing trees and on the roof getting the lights perfect. We had a ladder, so not too difficult. At one point Hammy comes up to talk to me about the bachelorette party. She hands me $20 for repayment (Seriously?!? I spent hundreds on the hotel and everything I bought bride). She tells me she will give me another payment the next time I see her. I never met her before the wedding planning and never intend to see her again. I am not holding my breath. Bride said she and Groom made Hammy give me some money. I told them later that it was a whopping $20 installment and groom got pissed. He does not get along with his sister, obviously. Even human bridesmaid (who was pregnant but hadn't told anyone yet) was doing more to help than Hammy was. Human got lightheaded/nauseous at one point and went to sit down and do some light work. Hammy saw this and complained that she didn't feel good either. She was sooo thirsty and wanted us to set up the drinks right now. Not that she was going to set up the drinks, oh no, she wanted someone to do it for her. I was sick of her at this point and said wtf no, we still had three hours to go. No we won't set up the chilled drinks and ice cooler yet. Get a bottled water like the rest of us. So of course that meant she had to drive to the gas station and get some beetus juice, to keep her energy up. She had the gall to complain that we should have let her know drinks wouldn't be provided to the wedding party. Hammy's mom bitched her out for leaving when she got back. Thank god someone did it at least once. It came time for us to change and get ready. At this point Hoggy, the photographer, shows up. Hoggy avoided me like the plague because she owed me for the bachelorette party too. I never got a dime from her. I know I should have said something, but I didn't want to cause drama on Bride's big day. The REEEEing and whining and excuses would have ruined the mood and I'm sure she would have threatened to be so upset and quit taking pics so I just didnt mention it.  Hammy sees my size 6 dress is hanging up. She and Hoggy give me the best stink eye. I drink it in, let the hate flow through me. I am loving all of the nothing that I have to do in order to make her jealous. Honestly I am amazed they had the dress in her size. Bride later told me that she had to shop for bridesmaid dresses that specifically had a plus size option. Thanks Hammy, for limiting everyone's choices. Sure your fat doesn't affect anyone else. Bride got us all matching jewelry as our gifts. The necklace was on a delicate chain which got sucked into Hammy's neck rolls. You could only see the lower part of the necklace peaking out from under her chins. It was disgusting and I am sure she saw me staring at one point. I got so much stink eye from her as soon as we were wearing the same outfit. It was fitshion vs fatshion at its finest, all evening long.  The ceremony went fine except for Hammy sweating buckets next to me. She was huffing and puffing just standing up there while we lined up and waited for our cues. She was one of the first ones at the buffet table after the ceremony, and went back for seconds and thirds. Because its a special occasion and she deserves it, teehee! As soon as she was done eating, she started asking about the cake. Multiple times. I swear, she was only focused on her next meal all damn day. The rest of us had so much else to think about and enjoy. Food was the last thing on our minds! Bride even had to be reminded to eat and drink plenty of water throughout the day! Living to eat vs eating to live, I suppose. She had a huge slice of both the bride's and groom's cakes. For posterity of course.  That night, we decorated the getaway car. Hammy's bulbous gut smeared the words in a few places, but at least she had some colorful stains to detract from the grease she had been flaunting all day. Ugh. I get mad just remembering all of this.  But at least all the humans had fun drinking and dancing while she moped around in a chair because A: no one wanted to dance with her, B: she couldn't if she wanted to, and C: she wore heels for 8 hours and could barely even walk at the end of the night. Hoggy side note: That were a TON of pictures of the buffet and cake tables. And almost none of people enjoying dinner and cake because, you guessed it, Hoggy was too busy shoveling food down her own gullet to take pictures of the festivities then. It was free photography and most of the pics were good, but the endless food pics and gap during dinner was telling. Still, the camera doesn't lie and all of the annoyance was worth it when the pics were released and Hammy reeeee'd to be untagged because the dress was so unflattering and her bestie Hoggy only got bad (read:not MySpace) angles of her. Oh the glee. So much Schadenfreude. Bride has a few more stories about Hammy but they are the typical tales of gluttony, greed, and envy. I haven't seen Hammy and Hoggy since.