And for my first post on the new FPH, an anecdote entitled "The FUPA in seat 1A" Lovely shitlords and ladies, I have a truly terrifying story to tell you. Today I was on a plane from Houston to Boston. I was all excited because I had earned enough frequent flyer miles to get bumped up to first class. As a young professional fresh out of school, I saw this as a rarely presented opportunity to live the high life. I get onto my flight, and am happy to discover that the flight attendant responsible for the first class cabin is absolutely gorgeous (and smiling at me). He walks over to me to see if he can offer me a glass of champagne, but before he could even finish his sentence, we both visibly cringe at the worst odor I have ever smelled. I look away from the flight attendant in search of the source of this truly offensive odor. When all of a sudden, my eyes alight on the culprit. 400 lbs of flesh, a true behemoth of a pseudo-human, are sprawling over the arms rests of the row diagonally in front of me. Forehead FUPA gleaming in the glow of the setting sun, it (and I say it both for correctness and because if a human gender lurked somewhere underneath the rolling hills of curdled back and front fat, I had no Watson to help me determine it) it peered down into a grease spotted brown paper bag. Dropping one oven-mit shaped hand into its depths, it emerged with a small sausage and popped it into its mouth with a sickening sound like a pebble plopping into a pond (except the pebble is processed garbage and the pond is the greasy recesses of its mouth). The odor emanating from the bag served to kill both my first class high and crush on the cute flight attendant. I proceeded to watch in abject horror for the next three hours as the thing went from mini-hotdogs to doritos (both nacho and cool ranch) to sour patch kids to a two litre of diet (yeah like that's going to help) dr. pepper.  The story does have somewhat of a happier ending, however. As we begin our descent Fatty McFUPA goes to the bathroom and emerges wearing a full on mask of make-up (elementary, my dear Watson, those swinging flesh sacks were breasts after all). The flight attendants make their way through the aisles, and as the hottie passes her row, she not so subtly starts flirting with him. His utter look of disgust as he tried to back away from her hands (which I think were outstretched towards his crotch area, but who can tell really) made me giggle out loud and I was rewarded with a piercing glare, which while truly frightening, gave the poor guy a chance to make a quick get-away. He turned his back on her and immediately started asking me about my plans in Boston.  I walked off the plane and proceeded to take a quick pit stop to fill up my water bottle at one of those filling fountains. I start to walk towards baggage claim, I quickly overtake the FUPA in seat 1A saying to her friend something to the effect of "he was totally into me. Why do skinny white bitches have to ruin everything?" And, of course, the cherry on top, she was white.  So concludes my tail of woe. I thought you guys could share in my pain.