My Obese Doorman Ok, so I live in NYC, and am lucky enough to reside in a nice apartment building with awesome fit doormen who do nice things like open the door for you, pick up packages that have been delivered and hand them to you while smiling, and in the winter months, salt the pavement outside and shovel the snow away. This is not an easy job, though it may sound like it. They are on their feet during their entire shift, and the snow shoveling is exhausting and backbreaking, and the packages people get delivered are often big and bulky. Doormen are awesome, and hard working. At any given time, there are two doormen on duty. One to handle the door, and another to handle the desk - that one accepts packages and puts them away for later pickup, and the guy at the door opens the door for people and also runs out to the curb to help little old ladies with their bags, that sort of thing. So neither one is really getting to chill out and take some downtime. Except for Jose. Jose, our morbidly obese doorman, who, thanks to a strong union, cannot be fired. Jose, who cannot rise from his straining chair (no other doorman uses the chair except the night doorman), who cannot even be bothered to hand you your packages that have been delivered - he just sighs heavily until another, fitter doorman (working the door, mind you) comes bounding up to help out instead. Jose does not help with the salting or the shoveling. Jose does not open the door, or help little old ladies with their bags. No, whoever gets stuck on a shift with Jose has to do twice the work for the same pay, while Jose sits on his poor chair.  Jose, who I once saw lumbering away from his shift, wearing a Cartman t-shirt big enough to gently blanket the moon, plus a pair of shorts revealing his nearly black calves (what is that condition called? where the skin gets red and chafed, then turns black? deathrot?).  Jose, who is 30 years old and has a wife and two small children.  Doormen of the world, I salute you, and pray that you never have a coworker like Jose.