Ham plays stupid games, wins stupid prizes. Well folks, Christmas is around the corner so you better get your shopping done! I myself just picked up a nice stocking stuffer for mum, and it swiftly turned into a sad ham encounter.  It all starts with me popping into Sephora, picking up my mums favourite mascara, and waiting in a long ass line for the till. As I'm in line I'm watching the four cashiers doing the best they can to move everyone through quickly and for the most part they're doing well. Except for one on the end who's wasting time chit chatting with no one in particular and not doing her job. Why yes, that IS the ham in the story, how did you guess? The only porky cashier is the only bad one, what a coincidence. /s Yes, her hair is dyed an obnoxious colour with bad roots. Her face is speckled with subdermal acne creating hundreds of tiny red mounds on her T-zone as though good makeup and appearances mean nothing while working in a store dedicated to good makeup and appearances. Oversized tacky glasses, not cateye but not much better either. Maybe 5'5 and 170lbs. Just my luck, when it comes my turn, the open cashier is the fatty. I walk over, smile and say "good morning-" aaaand she's turned and walked away. Didn't even look at me, just fucked off. Over her shoulder she calls "uh, one sec." I watch as she wanders the store, straightening things that don't need straightening and inspecting items that haven't been touched all day. Ignoring customers who look lost in the store. Ignoring the ringing phone. Ignoring the checkout line. I wait. And wait. I go back to watching the line, how they manage to move so many people so fast is pretty impressive for three people who also have to offer cards and memberships and mention sales and whatnot. All while they're doing most of fatty's work. I look around for my cashier and she's slowly making her way back to her till... Taking stops to check her hair and makeup in their many aisle-side mirrors. Clearly doesn't give a fuck about her job, customers, or coworkers. Well now I'm feeling disgusted AND annoyed. I can be impatient but today my only task is picking up this item so I'm not in any hurry. Time for your own medicine miss time waster. Prepare you jimmies folks you're about to see how tedious I can be when pushed. She scans my item. Ham: do you have an insider card? Me: huh? Oh! Hmm let me see...... I rummage through the same three wallet pockets for a minute or two, despite all three being very empty aside an ID and a debit card. I don't think I have one? Her: would you like to sign up for one? Me: No. Her: Okay. Your total is $31.50. Will that be debit or credit? Me: ummm...... I take my sweet ass time considering my options and settle for the most annoying option. I'll do cash. I pick out a $20 bill. Then a toonie (Canadian $2 coin.) Then a loonie. ($1) I rummage. I find another loonie. I count them in my hand. Gosh I've just always been slow at math! /s I pull out some quarters. I count them. I count them again. Satisfied with the calculations I put the mess of cash on a pile on the counter ignoring her outstretched hand. By now, she's irritated enough to huff and puff her annoyance. Or she was panting from the effort of standing, who knows. She counts the money up.  Her: this is only $29.50. Me: oh really? Haha oh dear, I thought one of those was another toonie. I fish out another four quarters an dump them on top of the pile in a way that conceals how much I added. Her: after recounting the entire pile to make sure I put enough down this is $30.50.... Me: ok? Her: the total is $31.50! Me: oh really? Haha I thought you said "thirty" haha sorry about that. i look in my wallet oh my... now out of coins, I pull out a second $20 bill and scoop the offending pile of coins that she spent so much time counting back into my wallet. The ham has been sighing and huffing and tapping her foot, seriously pissed by now. I'm smiling stupidly and humming to myself looking around the store like I've never seen one before. Just as shes about to take the two bills I decide I'm not quite done. Me: oh wait- i fish back out a loonie and two quarters and put them in front of her. She looks up at me. I smile. She looks like she's grinding her teeth as she tosses the money into the drawer and hands me my $10 change. I flash her another smile, thanks sooooo much! Have a great day!!  Finally I leave the store. I have shit all to do today, and the line of customers wasn't even hindered by my ridiculous display. I guess the fatty not working and the fatty being held up made no difference. Obviously I'd never do such a thing if all those people had to wait for me before they could pay and leave, but thankfully that wasn't the case. The fatty though, man she was unhappy. She looked like she was going to throw something at me and my big stupid smile. Passive aggression just runs in the family, you can't blame me for my geneticks! Reee!!! Anyway, tata for now everyone! Merry Shitmas!