My Big Fat Jersey Wedding I'm at work so just a short and sweet hors d'oeuvres for you all from this wedding I was at this weekend. Have a friend from college named Beef. Beef came from a huge (in both quantity and width) family based on Jersey. He invited us to come to his wedding and my husband and I have real problems turning down free food and alcohol... Now, the bride had also gone to our college so I vaguely remember her as a theater major smallfat-- you know the type. Beef however would yoyo in between relationships during college but had successfully lost a ton of it (a whole 145lb was shed off him over the course of 2 years, thanks to shitlord fraternity brothers and a free gym). However, we had not seen either of them in several years. Once we got to the church where the wedding was held, we noticed quite a few things that made the whole affair a bit darker: 1) Beef had put on at least 50lbs of that weight he lost back on. It wasn't the heaviest he had ever been, but there were buttons on his suit vest that looked as if it may fly off and take out an eye in the pews at any moment. Goddamnit, Beef.<br> 2) Beef's mother and father looked rough. They were planets of equal mass at ~350lb when I first met them but something was different. Beef's mother was much smaller and thinner (probably 100lbs lighter) and walked very slowly with a cane and looked significantly aged. My husband found out the reason why after the wedding-- she was suffering from Heart Disease and had been in and out of hospitals for the past two years. I guess this was a wakeup call for Beef's dad too, because while he was still really heavy, he was not as round as I remembered him being but he didn't exactly look healthy himself. 3) Beef's best man was bigger than even Beef was-- probably an accurate representation of where Beef was in weight at his heaviest. A lot of the groomsmen that we knew from college had also put on a ton of weight as well and were sweaty and tired. New Jersey and Pennsylvania had not been kind to these people. They eyed the pews enviously. The service began and the real foreboding began. We had not yet seen bride-to-be-theater-smallfat yet. Most of the bridesmaids that came down the isle are what I'd refer to as "Jersey Sausages"-- Jersey girls who are in complete denial of their weight and so try to squeeze themselves into the tiniest dresses possible and end up looking like overstuffed sausage casings with the overflow erupting out the top, complete with orange-brown sausage coloration. The church doors opened and in came the bride, accompanied by both of her parents. Fam, it looked like two human-shaped farmers strong-man carrying a pig that just won the blue ribbon at the county fair. Whereas Beef had indeed put on some weight, the bride had easily grown from a college minimoon to a gas giant. She was now so fat, she...: 1) No longer had a neck and the necklace she was wearing intermittently disappeared and reappeared depending on where she was looking 2) Needed to two-step up to the two stairs that let to the service platform, and only with the help of her parents 3) As she no longer had a neck, she would be chin deep into her breasts when she looked down, hence why her parents needed to step in whenever she needed to maneuver to a new position as I theorized she could not see the floor beneath her 4) The priest performing the service had set chairs out for them to sit in while he performed the 15 minute sermon (not sure if this is common in the Catholic faith but thought it really very odd considering it wasn't very long...) 5) A wedding dress is supposed to pinch in at the waist. Not so with brideham. Her midsection was now as wide as her very large "bingo grandma" arms, even with the corset of her dress trying valiantly to create a silhouette. The Depression Quest continues when the priest began into the sermon when he started talking about how they will raise their children Catholic when they begin having them. Doesn't morbid obesity cause fertility issues in women...? My husband and I didn't even wait for the reception to start, we left right after and went to the hotel bar. Needed that drink to wash away the dread of how few years those two really have... ~~~