Encounters with mentally challenged ham planets Incident #1 Halfway through a long weekend ride, I stop at a Subway.  It's early morning, so nobody is there except for a wild 300 pound fupa loompa hamployee.  Before I even say hello, she's already giving me icy daggers of hate.  I order without looking at the menu and then I ask if they have a list of calories for each sandwich.  She looks at me with genuine confusion. "What?" "Calories", I carefully enunciate. "No, we don't have anything like that." I look up at the menu directly behind her.  Calories for each sub are listed right next to their names.  How does someone so unaware actually manage to survive their trip to work each morning? Incident #2 A car with tinted windows and special cyclist license plates pulls into the parking lot.  Yes, that's a thing.  Don't ask me how or even why you'd get the plates, because I honestly don't know.  It may vary from state to state.  Anyway, expecting to see a fellow cyclist, I'm instead bemused when out of the car climbs an obeast.  Give me my gold doubloon, captain Ahab. If he's a cyclist, then I'm a fucking ballerina.  I can put on a tutu and twirl a few times, so I guess that makes it official.  Tomorrow I'll go to the DMV and ask for my ballerina plates. Incident #3 I stop at a mini mart to grab an energy drink.  Looking at the ingredients, I can see most of them contain artificial sweeteners.  Even the ones with normal sugar have it too.  Finding this especially odd for an energy drink that's already sweet anyway (as it should be), I make a casual remark about it at the register.  Out of nowhere, the fatty butterbrain clerk tells me that red bull has goat semen in it.  Deadpan and then full stop.  Not a single hint of joking.  I guess she thought she needed to one-up me and she said the first idiotic thing that squirted forth from her gravy-soaked brain.   I am not exaggerating when I say that it took every ounce of self-control I had just to walk out of there with a straight face.  As soon as I got to a safe distance, I allowed myself to laugh.  I think it came out sounding like deranged cackling. I needed to fucking know where that dumb idea came from.  Wouldn't you be just as curious?  It turns out it's a variation of a common urban myth claiming that red bull's taurine is extracted from bull semen.  I even found a bogus clickbait article linking to a video (posted on April 1st) of bull semen extraction.  It's obvious to any sane person that the semen is to be used for artificial insemination, which is a normal industry-wide practice, especially in the dairy industry.  The article claims this semen was to be used for energy drinks (no proof), and that the employee (unnamed) who "leaked" the footage was fired (again no proof).  Pants-on-head retarded on so many levels. Wow... I can't believe I felt the need to waste the extra time to type this shit. tl;dr - I ran into some epically retarded bariatric blobs this weekend.  God damn, fat people are morons.