Rants of a human waitress These fat fucking fats are always in my fucking way. I'm a waitress. Let's just say I work at a bar because I'm normally positioned around the bar because that's where I bring in the most sales. I'm also the only waitress who prisses around in a pair of heels. I'm in fucking heels and a skirt and I can still move faster than these greasy goblins. I'm 5'6". 125 lbs. 18% body fat. I'm not super strong, but I, you know, DO MY FUCKING JOB. So if I pop back to the kitchen and one of the managers calls for someone to run out a tray of food, I'm going to fucking run it out even if it's a little too heavy for me. So there I am, a full tray of steaming hot food balanced on my shoulder, trying to maneuver between these lumbering beasts who are just standing there, in my way, mouth-breathing while my arm is dying rather quickly and going shaky. "Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME. PLEASE, MA'AM, CAN YOU MOVE?" I usually end up having to scream this so loud that other guests start craning their heads to see what's wrong because I guess the adipose is clogging the ears of the belugas in my way. Or maybe they don't fucking care that the little human is ABOUT TO DROP HER FOOD TRAY BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE FUCKING BOTHERED TO MOVE FIVE INCHES TO THE LEFT YOU GREASY COW JESUS CHRIST I HOPE YOU DIE. Even worse are my ham cow-workers, though. The 5'0", 200+ butterballs who roll around, leaving trails of butter and incompetence in their wake. For those of you who have worked in a restaurant, I'm sure there are some phrases you're rather used to. Calling out, "Behind," or, "Behind you," when you're coming up behind a coworker and need them to move or otherwise be aware of your presence is most likely one of them. My normal, comfortable walking speed is 3.5 mph. I don't do slow. I can't do slow. I'm zooming around, coming up behind these creatures with a full tray of cocktails balanced on my left hand. "Behind. Behind you. Right behind. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MOVE." Sometimes I just break down and shove them, not that it does much good. I may have a good 8-10 inches on them with my heels on, but they're still almost twice my size. I'd have better luck trying to tip a cow over. Seriously? Can you not hear me, you dumb cunts? Or are you really just that fucking slow? Go suck down some more beetus and tell yourselves that you're beautiful. You'll be dead in ten years. And then there are the guests trying to order food. "How big are your portions? Is it enough to share?" How the ever living FUCK do you expect me to answer that, you 300-lb heffalump? "It's enough for me to share with four of my fellow humans, but I think you'll probably be complaining about STARVATION MODE and want to graze more after?!" Fuck no. I have to be sweet. I have to flash you a cheery smile and say, "Well, it depends on how hungry you are and who you're sharing with." Fuck off, you useless sacks of shit and (lack of) shame. Fuck off and go choke on a Big Mac.