Dungeons & Donuts 1e True to my username, I'm coming back: after almost a year of hospitalization other general bullshit. I like to think that if I'm remembered, it's for my awesome storytelling. I'm here to continue that legacy with my collection of D&D night stories, including but not limited to: hambeasts ruining my dice & furniture & expensive books (etc...), jigglerbutts "borrowing" (stealing) from me, cumquarks telling me how to (a) play my character better and (b) DM better, and vivid descriptions of smells more horrible than any monster I could conjure. Yes, even literal fart monsters. Enjoy. Twas the night before Halloween, and all through the LFGS, not a hambeast was stirring, not even a- fuck, never mind. I had an open-invite to a Halloween themed D&D session, the night before the hallo-day. A oneshot, bring-a-readymade-character kind of thing, designed for beginners and experienced players. There was a set goal and theme outlined in the invite: you are a detective, and for one reason or another, you're here to investigate the murder of a highly-respected noble. There was one restriction outlined in the invite: No homebrews. There was one request outlined in the invite: have a character made. Simple. Nothing unreasonable, right? Apparently not. Less than an hour of the invite being posted, I had DMs flooding in with "it's not fair you aren't letting people homebrew... >:(" and "quit trying to railroad people!!!" This is to be expected I guess, and I figured people with those kinds of qualms would just not bother showing up. Wrong. Here comes the night I'm supposed to DM. I decorate the dining room for D&D ambiance: candles, old maps I've made and/or bought and artificially distressed, glass bottles filled with coloured liquid to look like potions, the whole shebang. I also, because I'm expecting 5-6 people, make themed snacks and promise my mom that there will be no loud noises after 10pm (still a literal child, not a man-child so still living with parents). Everything is going perfectly until - you guessed it - a ham comes a-knocking. Then another, and another, and another, and another, and one final solemn knock of a human. We total now at 5 hams and 2 people including myself. Sucks, but it's alright: I made plenty of food. Wrong again. Nevertheless, we go on. I sit everyone down at the table, setting up for our adventure, and the second problem of our night arises: only two of the five hams made characters. It's cool, I made characters in case this happened! Checkmate, hamplanets! But not really, because none of them liked the premade (I hate that word because it sounds cheap, I poured time into them) characters: they insisted they create their own. The human of the group put their foot down and stated that if they wanted to make their own characters, they should have done it before coming. This was met with "not everyone has time" and "wow, rude.." By the time the whining was done, here was the roster: Guess which hams made their own characters. Yes, human is making a reference to The Road To El Dorado and yes, I loved it. Third problem arrived when the hams were displeased with the scenery. "Wow, you could do with cleaning up with the place.." when they saw a half-full trash can (filled with food packaging from cooking for them), a few dishes in the sink (from cooking for them), and a bloodstain in the window. Otherwise, it was artificial mess from fake cobwebs and aesthetically spilled ink on the maps. Fourth problem arrived when the hams were displeased with the eatery. "Ew, olives?!" and "Ugh, you're not one of the health freaks, are you?" with another supporting oink from the opposite side of the table "Yeah, he's skinny like one." "Haha, sorry about that, guys.." They still ate everything, though they made disgust(ing) noises through most of it as if they hated it. Miguel ate a reasonable portion and thanked me. The last, but definitely worst problem, arrived when Glitterhorn got her period. She didn't go to the bathroom and put a tampon in, oh no, she check to see if she was bleeding at the table, with her bare hands. I didn't notice at first, because the place already smelled awful. We go on for a hot minute until "Glitterhorn, are you licking your fingers? What's on those dice? What's that on the books?" Miguel screamed. "Oh, teehee, I didn't even notice. Must be my lady-time. Ex-cuuuuse me." Glitterhorn stood, shaking the house. She waddled, slowly, squelching her way to the bathroom. The aroma of rotten fetus and shit-stain-casserole wafted over the room, almost knocking Miguel and I out, not affecting the other hams at all. Miguel, the poor man, was sitting right next to Glitterhorn and was the first to see the real damage: the cushion to my momma's chair was completely soaked with blood and what I can only hope was diarrhea. "shitlordreturning, I think you should see this.." Obviously, everyone was kicked out and I spent the last of my money on replacing that god damned chair.. Miguel was the only one who offered to help, which I accepted graciously and we spent 2-3 hours just working on cleaning and disposing of everything the hams touched. (see you next week, miguel, hope you read this someday)   TLDR: Invite hams over for the first and last D&D sesh I host at my residence, I'm an awesome host, got shit on literally and metaphorically by hams and the human was the only nice guy ETA: yes, I did have to buy new books. A MM and a PHB