That time a morbidly obese "wanksta" tried to mug me. First off let me say that South Africa is a virtuous country in all. That said, there are some pretty bad hoods in Johannesburg. So, it's my last weekend in SA and I've driven up from Cape Town in preparation for my flight back to the States. My girl there invites me out to a new club in Soweto (trendy, hip, also somewhat dangerous area) I accept as this means I can stay at her place and not pay for a hotel. We spent some time at her place first so by the time we get out there it's pretty late. Place is hopping but it's clear most of the people there have been at it awhile. We don't hesitate to play catch up and I'm having a blast. Being the only white guy in the bar makes everyone take notice of you, and while some do not acknowledge you (thanks apartheid) many will immediately try to strike up conversation. So we're sitting at the bar and I'm getting approached left and right. I'm pretty drunk at this point and decide to take a break from the music and interaction to smoke a joint. Head out the front door as I light it up, but the bouncer out front starts looking at me weird.  Now, this is when it gets... interesting. Since I'm not trying to get shaken down by police and forfeit all my cash to avoid a South African holding cell, I walk around the corner to finish my joint. So I'm now on the sidewalk beside the club building, light-less buildings across the street. Can't see all that well. Anyways, I'm coughing in the darkness with harsh South African ditch weed smoke making my eyes sting when seemingly out of nowhere this huge man appears.  Now, I'm a pretty big guy at 6'5 and I've worked hard for rippling muscles. I am by no means meek or vulnerable looking. Regardless, the beast before me was easily my height, and must've weighed at least 400 pounds. Sweat glistened in the faint light and I could see that merely moving up on me so quickly had him starting to breath hard. He was wearing something that resembled white panties stretched over his head and tied off in back.  I have to admit terror hit me in the stomach when he produced a knife proportionate to his size.  He steps towards me and grunts some kind of greeting before (you guessed it) demanding my wallet and watch. I'd have just given him the wallet, but the watch was given to me by a dear deceased. At that moment, something seemed to click within me. I realized that I could very well bleed out slowly but that I would rather take the risk than lose this watch. Then my life kinda flashed before my eyes. Not like the way it does in the movies or a book, just sorta thought of my mom smiling and all the rewards off my life washing over me. I dug my hand into my pants and lifted out my wallet. I moved towards him, hand extended as if offering it. His eyes were small and beady embedded in his puffy face and they greedily focused down towards my hand. At that point I jumped as high as I could and kicked him somewhere around the neck. Without looking back I ran past him, around the corner, cried something to the bouncers and darted inside. My heart was fucking racing and I waited in the corner sipping water until closing. Girl could definitely tell I was off but I never told her what happened.  Didn't sleep a wink that night. Spent the 17 hour flight back drinking delta red wine until I passed out. Maybe the dumbest thing I've done in my adult life but was really happy to still have my watch.  So anyways, that's my story. INB4 call the police in JoBerg.