Fire Alarm Fat It's late. I have an 8am flight, and I'm angrier than a beetusbarge who's scootypuff has just died.  Anyone who's seen anything I post knows I travel for work. Well I'm currently out and about, with an 8am flight to my next location.  Here I was, warm and comfy. Dreaming of Canadian geese (for fucks sake, no idea why) when the shrieking of a thousand banshees wakes me. Has North Korea attacked??? Did a landwhale land the girth of its decaying foot on some poor human's foot? No, it was the god damn fire alarm going off. Have you ever heard one of those? This isn't like your typical smoke detector, no siree. It can only be compared to the wailing (whaling?) of every tumblrina when tumblr goes down, and they can't assuage they self loathing and get a digital pat on the head for being LARGE AND PROUD.  But I digress. I groggily put on a shirt and shorts (nude sleepers ftw) and step into the hallway. As of the siren wasn't bad enough, the alarms in the hall sound as if a biblical swarm of locust have made their collective home inside your ear drum. And to make matters worse, the elevators are disabled by the alarm, so freezing my nards off I have to sleepily make my way down 5 flights of stairs in what can only be called the concrete echochamber of rage.  I'm tired. I'm pissed. I make my way down to the lobby. So what caused this ruckus? This unholy commotion that took my naked backside from betwixt the warm embrace of crisp sheets?  Well this is FPH, so you know exactly what it is. A fucking slovenly beast of adipose and bar stank, screaming almost as loud as the alarms and at the hotel staff.  So what the flying pigfuck happened? Well apparently this waste of (a massive amount of) space had been drowning her "I'm too fat to fuck" valentine's sorrows at the hotel bar, and had pulled enough liquor into her gravitational pull to put down a battalion of Spartan warriors. She was full tilt fucked and, after apparently throwing herself at anything with a cock, been cut off.  And what happens when you cut a fat off from any source of calories? It went into full blown fucking hippo rage mode.  This thing had trashed the fucking bar, then when hotel staff tried to grab her (good luck getting a grip on a walking ball of grease) she screamed rape and pulled the fire alarm, and in the process waking every sleeping guest at the hotel.  The police came, she denied it all. However, the booze and fat stank oozing off of her and reports of numerous witnesses had her escorted out in cuffs while the fire department and hotel staff disabled the Destroyer of Dream Geese. So here I am, it's 1am and I'm fucking livid. My nights sleep has been ruined by a fucking adiposealcoholic and its fucking entitlement.  At this moment I think I'm more concentrated Fat Fuck Hate than I've ever been in my life. Now excuse me while I try to get some semblance of sleep.  tl;dr: drunk hippo scares off my dream geese.