Fats in Kimonos: Tales of the Cherry Blossom Festival In a stroke of last minute planning, I ended up going to the Sakura Matsuri in downtown Washington, DC, with a friend of mine. For those of you who don't know, it's the Japanese street festival they hold every year near the end of the cherry blossom festival. And it was great! It's a good place to find traditional art, good food, pop culture... and fat people dressed in the most obnoxious things possible. I'll try and go through as many specific stories as I can remember, but let it be known that there were WAY too many taco terrorists for me to count. The day started out on the subway heading into DC. It wasn't too packed because we caught the second train and we all had our own seats, but most of them were full. After a few stops these two... females(?) walked onto our car with soy boys in tow. The females were both wearing flowery fairy-sleeve tops, heinously short shorts and the thickest makeup you've ever seen. One of them had three chins. They were so heavy they couldn't even walk like people, they had to do that weird side-waddle thing. They looked shocked that there wasn't four open seats right next to each other. "We gotta go to the back," one mumbled to the other, and they run-waddled to the back of the car. I rolled my eyes and focused back on the outside, so I don't know how their journey ended. I don't care to either.  Then we had to walk to the festival from the metro station. The walk was fine, but then we had to wait in the line. My friend and I entertained ourselves by people watching. We saw lots of femayos waddling by in their ill-fitting yukatas, their trashy cosplay and their "quirky uwu" jeans and t-shirts.  At one point my friend leaned to me and said "I've never seen a black hole with blue hair." I looked to where he was, and oh my... Some chick(?) with a black shirt, black pants, and loud blue hair. It was one of the largest things I've seen in real life. It stomped around with a dumb smile on its face and made everyone uncomfortable.  I saw one fat with a buzz cut, thick black glasses, and an off the shoulder shirt...  with the elastic almost halfway down its udders. I tried not to look at that one. It was around 80 degrees out and the sun was beating down, so ya pale girl over here was using an umbrella to block some of the sun. A lot of other people had the same idea. A LOT of them were fat.   ...  Did they realize that the parasols being sold at the booths were human sized? No. My whole upper body and half of my legs were shaded at all times, but so many of these walking warts had no idea that only their shoulders were covered. I hope they all got sunburns. On top of the parasols, a lot of them had bought hand fans to cool themselves off. Some of them even lifted their arms to air out their pits. Yeah, it was as gross as it sounds. A lot of them posed for pictures with their exposed midriffs  fupas and their cottage cheese thighs and their tiny-by-comparison Japanese accessories and all I could think was... Do these animals think they look cute? Do they really think they look attractive? That all the people staring are staring in jealousy? It's absolutely beyond me.  I think the most atrocious cosplay I saw was some humongous chick in a tiny dress, giant purple ears and a purple tail about as big as her. I'm so sorry I couldn't remember more detail, but I was trying to be more focused on having a good time. I'm also so sorry that I didn't take pictures. I know you all would have wanted to see that ^-^ /s.