Fattie couple at the beach endangers my shitlord family (first post) I know this is long but it is hopefully worth the ride, if not I put a tl;dr at the end. So my shitlord family and I went down to the beach for memorial day weekend. The beach we go to is beautiful, it’s a state park and it’s not a super touristy area so it’s not overcrowded like a lot of other beaches down here.  My brother, sister, and I are all huge fucking shitlords, for example, we all agreed that we’d rather shoot ourselves in the head than get fat. We’re a super active family; hiking, cycling, swimming, climbing shit we don’t need to climb just because we can. We’re sharing a car down. Most of the car ride is laughing at fat idiots and their pathetic excuses. We hoped we’d see some prime examples of these dumbasses out in the wild. We were not disappointed. So we go down to the beach in the morning, it’s mostly uneventful, some fats appear to have driven all the way out just to sit somewhere that isn’t their couch. The usual. We are all swimming and running around, catching minnows, avoiding the jellyfish etc. At one point, my brother, sister and I take our younger brothers out about chest deep. We splash around, my brother and I throw the younger boys over some waves, all good fun. Then it happens. A fat couple gets in the water and immediately the girl starts hollering about the cold/waves/hasn’t eaten in 30 seconds, I don’t know. They keep going deeper into the water. The guy looks like he’s reassuring the girl and they walk about chest deep as well. So my brother points them out (keep in mind we’re almost 40yds away and can still hear this dumb bitch fussing) and the three of us have a good little shitlord bonding session with the little boys out of earshot, but still close enough that my brother and I could reach them in a few seconds if need be. “Typical fat dumbasses being obnoxious” “she probably can’t swim well and is afraid of the waves” “should’ve stayed on shore and had another snack, idiot” etc. Then they start freaking out a little more, but they don’t seem to be making much of an attempt to move from where they are, so we brush it off. They start freaking out and splashing around even more and at this point my brother thinks something could be wrong. I realize that they are right on top of where the jetty is underwater. (A jetty is a manmade structure, in this case pretty much an oyster covered pile of rocks that is covered in discarded fishhooks that got tangled in the oyster beds. If you’ve never had the pleasure of stepping on an oyster bed, they’re fucking sharp and will tear you up) So these dumbasses got in the water upcurrent, only a few yards from this hellscape of a structure, and got pulled across the underwater portion by the current and their inability to outswim said current (which isn’t even unusually strong for this beach). My brother wants to go over there and ask if they’re okay but by now they are already making their way to shore and there is a crowd forming, waiting for them to get somewhere shallow enough to where someone can help them without endangering their life.  They get about calf-deep and I see blood all over their legs, cuts seeping red. I come to the realization that their blood is being pulled by the current to where me and my little siblings are. This beach is partially known for how easy it is to find shark teeth here. I tell the older ones to go ahead and get to shore now (at this point my mom and former marine corps/cop dad (who probably was more motivated by curiosity) have abandoned our campsite to go see what they can do) I stay to bring my brothers in. They complain and want to stay out. I tell them I saw another jellyfish and they make a break for the shore without another word. (I stepped on the top of one the day before and they’re terrified of them)  I get back to shore with my brothers and notice my dad is the only one at the tent. He tells me to go chase down my mother, who has taken off running over half a mile down the  beach to get a park ranger.  Now like I said we’re a pretty fit family so no big deal, right? Wrong. My mother has an overactive thyroid. Her heart rate gets dangerously high when over exerting herself, and needs to avoid getting to hot to avoid stroking out. It’s 100F and she shouldn’t be running that far out of nowhere on a good day. She could pass out trying to get help for these two fat idiots. I tear off after her, but lose her in the afternoon crowd.  I finally find her and we walk back after she directs a park ranger on an atv to this couple. We walk back in ankle deep water to help her cool off in hopes she doesn’t pass the fuck out. We get back and hear fatties are REFUSING an ambulance, instead wanting the park rangers and various other staff to just bandage them up as much as possible. Have I mentioned that the jetty is flithy? Like, microbiologically, you don’t want to play with that shit it collects all kinds of ocean flith, just NO. The rangers eventually give up and offer them rides back to their car in their little utility atv they have. Hamela gets in front. Her mother gets in the flatbed back. Now I thought Hamela was big (over 200lb at least). Her mother makes her look svelte. She could best be described as a giant beach ball on legs in shape (think inflated Aunt Marge from Harry Potter). I’m surprised the atv could take their combined weight. Well anyways, the guy driving takes off and in less than ten seconds, has to slam on brakes. What happened next is the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. The mom, possessing no ability to control her descent, rolls backwards. Arms and legs flailing straight up in the air, before rocking back and forth some, like a gross pinkish obese tortoise stuck on its back. It looked like something that you’d see in an old cartoon. My mom, sister, and I make eye contact and burst out laughing. I’m talking crying laughter. This had happened right in front of our tent. The mother finally gets herself back upright and shoots the nastiest look at the driver as if he should’ve plowed over the 4 yr old that ran out in front of him. And that’s pretty much the end of if, we throw back and forth some remarks about how if they were both normal sized, both of them could’ve fit on the bench seat with the driver. We reference back to it and laugh some more whenever we get bored and run out of things to talk about. TL;DR: my shitlord family goes to the beach and watches fatties get torn up on a jetty in the ocean. Their legs are cut up by oyster beds on said jetty. Everyone gets out of the water because all the blood will attract sharks. My mom almost passes out from the heat and her medical condition when trying to get help for said fatties. Fatties refuse ambulance (they should really take it). Injured fattie’s mom looks like Aunt Marge and can barely hold herself up in the back of an atv. Driver slams on the breaks to avoid killing a child. She rolls around in back of a flat bed atv for a while before gaining the momentum to right herself, looking like a tortoise stuck on its back. My family laughs. She is not happy about any of it, but will likely remain fat, because she should’ve had 10 wakeup calls by now and she didn’t answer any of them.