A Shitlord's observations at a Ham Wedding (Since it's June- Bride Month) IF THE BRIDE IS SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT AT THE WEDDING (And looks to have done a crash course diet just to slim up), expect her to regain her tubby self in just a matter of weeks after the reception. THE BRIDE WILL ALWAYS INVITE 1 or 2 BRIDESMAIDS who are fatter and uglier than her.  After all, if she can't be the prettiest in her own wedding, then she better be not the fugliest. IF BOTH THE BRIDE and GROOM are LARDBEASTS, more or less expect their kids to grow up lardies as well. IF THE GROOM IS FAT BUT THE BRIDE IS SKINNY, either the guy is rich, OR, the girl has personal insecurities that she was willing to settle for a less-desirable hambag. IF THE BRIDE IS FAT BUT THE GROOM IS SKINNY, expect the bride to become even fatter, and the groom even skinnier, by the end of the year. IF ALL THE BRIDESMAIDS ARE HAMPLANETS and THE BRIDE IS SKINNY, maybe the bride is a secret shitlady who really wants to be the 'lone salmon in a sea of greasy filth' during her most special day. IF ONLY 1 BRIDESMAID and 1 GROOMSMAN are skinny, expect that it was not a random coincidence; it was planned by the couple to pair them up at the ceremony. EVEN IF ALL THE GROOMSMEN ARE ALL FAT AND GROSS, don't discount the possibility that at least 1 bridesmaid will hook up with 1 of them in a drunken stupor. SLIM COUPLES USUALLY WILL NOT GET AN OBESE MINISTER to officiate their wedding, because it will ruin the pictures. FAT BRDESMAIDS will always attempt to make wacky poses during pictorials to mask their repulsiveness. FAT BRIDESMAIDS WILL NOT immediately go for the calorie-laden foods at a buffet reception.  They will try to pretend to eat healthy at first, then it's only during their second plate that they will cram their plates with food that could feed an entire village in Sudan. FAT BRIDESMAIDS WILL REALLY GO AT IT DURING THE BOUQUET TOSSING, as if catching the bouquet means anything-- they will still be single and fat. A LOT OF FAT GUESTS AT A RECEPTION will make even the most experienced caterer a bit quesy and tentative. (Oh yeah!)  IF YOU'RE A GIRL INVITED AT A WEDDING and you want the bride to hate you, be slimmer and prettier than her.   IF YOU'RE A MAN INVITED TO A WEDDING and you want the fat bride and the fatcunt bridesmaids to feel bad, make sure your plus +1 is a smoking hot, gorgeous gal neither of them will ever be. Make sure to parade and display her throughout the event. All of these observations of mine have no concrete logical basis, but then again, there is no logic in being fat.