Thanksgiving with the Hamily So. I'm the only human in a family of fats. To be more specific, I'm the only human in a family of obeasts. My mom is 5'3" and ~230 lbs. My sister is 5'8" and I would peg her at ~280 lbs. My brother is 6' and is probably ~260 lbs. Dem genetics doe. Needless to say, I've been having a marvelous time over the past two days wearing leggings and subtly oppressing my sister (who rather remarkably resembles a melting icecream cone) with dat ass.  But anyway. The sister and her equally hamtastic hubby (6'3" and... ~350 lbs? I dunno. He's gone full Snorlax) went to his family's for their feeding at the trough so, thankfully, I didn't have to watch anyone eat their way into organ failure this year. But we ended up meeting later in the evening for family movie time at the local theater and here's where our story of hilarious ham logic takes place.  Now, I don't often do theater snacks but it's the fucking holidays and I was channeling my inner fat kid today so I agreed to help my mom demolish the large tub of popcorn she was set on buying (random detail will be relevant here in 2.5 seconds).  So, we get into the theater and sit down and I fucking kid you not, my sister began to flaunt the purse filled with beetus that she had smuggled in. Let me put this into perspective for you. This purse would be large enough to be a carrier for a toddler. And it was filled with... Twizzlers, starbursts, skittles, more kinds of chocolate than I cared to take note of and, "Teehee I have more, but it wouldn't all fit." Your full beetus stash wouldn't fit in your baby-smuggling bag? Smh.  Then the fat cunt started gushing about how good she had been at dinner. "I didn't eat to feeling sick at all! I only had a little turkey and a little bit of mashed potatoes and a little stuffing and only one roll." All of this she gasped out in between snarfing down a handful of twizzlers. I leaned forward in my seat so that I could crane my head to look at her all judgmental like, just to ascertain whether this planet was really bragging about her eating habits while double-fisting candy.  And she was. I just started laughing hysterically. The sheer perfection of that hamminess was too much.  Oh, and the popcorn? She took this completely full, large bucket of popcorn away from my mom and me... and gave it back half-empty.  But she's been such a good girl today. Oink.  BONUS FATNESS: I just walked through the kitchen and my brother was eating an entire baguette. Like... baguette in ham hock, inserting it into his mouth. I just stopped and stared, unable to resist the opportunity to admire the obeast in his natural habitat. When he noticed me staring, he defensively asked, "What?!" around a mouthful of bread. And I just shook my head, sing-songed, "Noooothingggg," and pranced off. Happy Thursday, everyone!