When Pigs Fly Massive text post coming! I was just on an international flight within 10 feet of a fat. Fortunately, a: I didn't have to sit directly next to him b: the booze was free, and c: he was great FPH fodder. I first noticed him lumbering down the aisle when the plane started leaning to the right. Fortunately, I had an aisle seat and the woman sitting next to me was a sweet and human-sized woman. Unfortunately, he sat across the aisle from me and, as we all know, due to their sheer mass, personal space does not exist to fats. He brushed up against me more than once. (I'm still slicker than a newborn seal from the grease.) Throughout the trip, he wouldn't shut the fuck up. The thing that killed me though, was that he was telling his seat mate about all the great food he ate in this country. At one point, he said "you know how you feel after a meal in America? Like sick and too full and tired? I never felt like that here!" I think a few flies flew into my mouth at that point, it was so wide open. YES, YOU IDIOT. You will feel like that if you eat too much of anything! He then went on to talk about how he actually lost weight when traveling, when he usually gains on vacations. I'm sure I don't even need to tell you what I'm thinking at this point. I don't think I've ever encountered so much fat logic in one person. In fact, it probably made up a decent percent of his body mass. We had an hour (maybe two) delay of takeoff due to the weather. The flight attendants were super cool. They passed out water and snacks, the pilot made regular updates, and everything generally went as well as it could in a situation that humans can't control. Well, when they came around passing out snacks, this hog asked for three - THREE - goddamn bags of pretzels. They were only 50 calories each, but my god, have some dignity! The attendant even told him no more. Not only did they give out pretzels, but they gave out honey roasted peanuts. He took his and then, as the attendant was handing the peanut package to his seat mate and had her head turned, talking to another customer, he fucking SNATCHED THE PACKET FROM HER HAND. Then he laughed, like it was funny. It was the most goddamn pathetic thing I've ever seen. A few hours later, after snack, dinner, another snack (I swear to god, I'm fed more on these flights than I am at thanksgiving), I took a little nap. I woke up to the lovely sight of him tearing into a pile of pretzel packets and two cokes (DIET! Of course. Gotta be healthy.) He must have gone and asked the attendants for more food in between all of the food. During the flight, he was waiting for the bathroom and caught a different passenger in his orbit. You know how you can tell when someone doesn't want to talk to you? Like, looks away, responds with one-word answers, tries to start a conversation with someone else? Just obvious hints? Yeah, this guy thought he was so interesting that he did not pick up these hints. However, some people asked him to move after he stood mooing next to their seats for a while. I laughed inwardly.  But his poor seat mate was a very polite man. In fact, everyone around him was much more polite than they needed to be. He kept using the front seat to heave his mass forward. Have you ever been in front of a small child who won't stop kicking your seat? It was like this, except you're afraid the small child will break the seat back right off. At one point, he put his goddamn glass full of ICE on top of the seat in front of him - I'm sure he didn't want to use the tray table because it wasn't actually level due to the size of his thighs - not thinking about the fact it could spill on the person in front of him. He kept using his roommate's headrest as an armrest for his hamhock forearm. I can only imagine the smell. His seat mate had the patience of a saint. The worst part was the SMELL. MY GOD. Someone obviously missed a spot with their rag on a stick. I smelled it when he walked down the aisle. I smelled it when he shifted in his seat. I smelled it when he got up. (Oh god, how I smelled that.) I'm extremely sensitive to smell so any sense of politeness I had left flew out the window and I just straight up covered my nose and mouth. Holy fuck it was disgusting. (There was also a serial farter that I'm 99% sure was him.)  The kicker, though, was the seatbelt. I remember it because I was so shocked at takeoff that he was able to fasten it. Since I'm a sucker for the rules, I leave mine fastened whenever I'm seated, as they ask, but I understand that many people don't, so whatever. During landing prep, when everyone was fastening their belts, he fucking STRAIGHT UP REFUSED TO. I used to work retail and have a lot of sympathy for any service industry workers, because I know people can be assholes. So the flight attendant comes by and asks him to fasten his seat belt. He holds out his hands in defeat and goes "you know what? I'll be fine." No. You know what? It's not about you, ya fat muthafucker. In the freak case of an accident, the airline and maybe even the poor flight attendant would be responsible for your poor choices. The flight attendant, ever so graceful, smiles sweetly and says "I know, but just in case, we do require a seatbelt." Without lowering her voice, she asks, "would you like an extender?" and then trots off to grab one without waiting for an answer. I was trying to contain my laughter so hard that I had tears in my eyes.