My new favourite shitlording style. So I was thinking, two of the worst traits about hams (aside the gluttony) is that they 1. are VERY entitled, and are therefore threatened by people who get to something they want first. Whether you get into a queue first, get the first serving at the dinner table, anything. If they don’t get their fill before anyone else gets into the vicinity, they’re threatened by it. That's why fatties always scream at people for taking a parking spot close to a door, or getting to the Starbeetus ordering line in front of the ham. Then there is 2. their desperation. Hams are so desperate for acceptance, acknowledgment, praise, basically what humans earn and fats don’t. They want people to appreciate their “good personality” and will make up the dumbest stories to try to convince people how admirable they are (and then the whole bus applauded etc). So I decided to combine these two faults into a fun and easy, consequence-free shitlording tactic. All you have to do is take something away from a fatty, then thank them for it. Here are some scenarios: You decide you want a nice to tea or coffee, because you felt like going for a stroll around the markets and the weather turned grey. You see a Starbeetus, decide you’re rich enough to put $6 down on a drip black coffee, and make your way across the street. As you come up to the building, perhaps still a few yards away, you see a landwhale approach the door in front of you. It heaves on the door, lumbering backwards to open it fully as it won’t fit otherwise. You are closer now, and see the line inside is quite long. Just as the land whale is about to begin moving forwards, and through the door, you slip past them. “Thank you!” you say, and anyone in the queue who saw you come in saw nothing more than a fat guy open a door, let someone in, the person thanked them, and they both join the queue. Pretty normal. To the land whale though, they have seen a slim person butt in front of them, take THEIR spot in line, and become one more obstacle between them and their beetus. They’re ready to lash out, exclaim how rude you are, and how dare you push in front of them?? But now you’ve thanked them graciously, and their desperate need to be loved and appreciated overcomes their hunger. Now, they have to either look like a mega asshole in front of everyone, or let you take their spot. With your nice hot cup warming your hands, you continue along to a small street market. There are many nice wares, and you see an interesting tent full of delicate wood carvings. As you admire the skills of the woodworker, you hear a ham debating with its moon friend about whether or not to get the last set of intricately cut earrings on a stand of several other, simpler pairs. The moon swoons over the ham, and says the earrings would look great on it. You notice they’re only $12.50 and would be a perfect stocking stuffer for your mother this Christmas. It’s a bit early for Christmas shopping, but no harm in getting ahead of the crowds. As the ham works its way around the table, you pluck the set off the display and hand the vendor your money. As the vendor wraps the earrings in some tissue paper, you smile at the ham now looking for the earrings on the display, and say “I almost didn’t notice the earrings here until I heard your friend mention them. Aren’t they just lovely? They’ll be a perfect gift for my mother!” Then as the vendor hands you your change and your little tissue paper package, you thank him and wish the ham a pleasant afternoon. It knows you took their earrings from them, but since you’ve paid for them, what can it do? It can’t prove that you took its earrings on purpose, maybe you really did only notice the beauty of the minuscule woodwork after the ham had let it slip. So the ham has to swallow its pride, and allow you to leave with its belongings. Perhaps you don’t even need to interact with a ham at all, and can trigger it simply by getting in front of it and then complimenting someone else. Perhaps, you see a lovely little local farm stand in which a little old lady has set out samples of her homemade blackcurrant jams. There are only two little pots of tasters left, and you see a few stalls away, an obeast has seen them too. As it hurried its way around tables and prams and crowds, you walk up and ask the lady about her jams. She invites you to try, and you take the little pot and enjoy the jam. “This is fantastic! have you tried this?” You say to another shopper who had been at the stall. And in front of the obeast’s eyes, as it has finally managed to waddle up to the jam stand, you hand the final remaining pot to the other shopper (who would feel a bit awkward to refuse a small free sample in front of the vendor while you hold it out for them to take). The obeast now has nothing. It can’t get mad at you for taking the last sample because you gave it to someone else. It can’t get mad at the guy who ate the last sample because it was given to him by someone else. It will look mean and selfish if it says anything. This tactic is easy and foolproof. If the landwhale ends up being okay with you getting in line at Starbeetus in front of it, you still win because now you don’t have to wait for the barista to make a double blended caramel frappucino with extra syrup, and extra shot of espresso, whipped cream with chocolate sauce on top in a cup the size of a KFC bucket. You can just get your drink and leave. If the ham doesn’t fall for flattery and has become too mean hearted to accept thanks, then it will make a huge ass of itself in front of everyone, and you can enjoy a free show of hamiliation and reeing.  If it works out right, you get to watch the obeast’s face twist up as it struggle to prioritize its entitlement, or its desperate need for acceptance, and while it stands there blank faced you can skip off happily to continue your day. The whole act puts me in a great mood, because I am both enjoying the feel-good runoff of being appreciative and polite to people (perhaps that’s just the Canadian in me taking over) and I am entertained by the fats suffering. What is your favourite crowd friendly shitlording tactic?