movie ham passive aggressivly attacks, shitty quality of cinema saves the day So I went to see Deadpool (don't worry, no spoilers). I walk in at about 8:15 for a ticket to the 9:15 showing, then wander back outside to kill some time in a few stores across the street. 8:45 rolls around and I figure it's time to go back to get into line. As I walk into the decrepit old cinema I see a small line starting up at the lone till. A female (?) ham and what looks to be its father are purchasing tickets. I pass them to enter the small waiting area and the cashier guy and I share a glance and a smile so I know he remembers me buying the ticket and I don't need it checked. The ham glares at me passing it and looks worriedly at it's father; a great injustice is occurring, a skinny ho walked by without buying a ticket, they must do something! Fatherham doesn't notice but as I turn around the corner I hear the huffy ham exclaim to the cashier that I walked in without paying. I assume he told them I'd paid earlier, but I'm unconcerned because Deadpool is about to happen and I want some beetus snacks to stave off starvation mode for the next few hours. As I wait in line at concession the huffy ham runs shuffles hurriedly to the second line and taps its foot impatiently. I feel like the ham is trying to race me. It probably wants top notch seating (who doesn't) and is either new to this town or new to this shitty old cinema because every seat is going to be a bit wonky, or possible bent/broken or mildly unstable from missing a bolt or two. Also, it is Sunday night several days after the film debuted so it isn't going to be a full house, there will be plenty of room for its vast bottom plus snacks.  To my mild amusement and to the ham's dismay the concession guy she was waiting for who was slowly scooping out popcorn told her that only one line was open at concession and she'd have to get in line behind me. Fatherham finally makes it at they stand in line. I hear ham grumbling about something and fatherham shushing her as if she has been saying something rude and embarrassed him. Perhaps she's being a general dick, perhaps she is snarking about me. We will never care know. I get my small popcorn and small rootbeer and wander over to investigate the Jungle Book movie poster. So stoked. After ham and fatherham each acquire a large bag of popcorn and large beetusoda they shuffle as fast as they can to the entrance of the theatre. There is literally 5 patrons/couples here but you can sense the deep anxiety this ham has over getting first pick at the seats. It is sad. I look over to them and they have parked their popcorn on top of a garbage can and are eating it by the handful. I am disgusted about the hams eating off the garbage but what can you do, they are hams. By the time the theatre doors are opened the hams have devoured half of their beetus. I can hear ham saying how rude I was to "skip" the line and that it wants to sit in front of me, because blocking my view will teach it a lesson. Fatherham tries to shush it up with popcorn. This possibly sates the ham's anger and makes it forget about it's new vendetta against me, the evil skinny ho line skipper bitch.  As soon as the doors open they race inside. I follow them in and, as they stand in the isle gawking at the shitshow of a seating situation glorious options of squatting their ample bottoms, I slip around them to find my seat. This upsets ham because obviously if you get through the doors first that means you get a seat first. Ham resolves to sit directly in front of me to show me my place after all. It will have its hammy justice. I have mentioned a few times how shitty this place is. We have two cinemas, and the sketchier one beside the crack hotel is where they play 18-A type stuff (like Deadpool) while the slightly less shitty one lives a few blocks closer to a school and plays kids movies and family friendly stuff. There are many things that makes these cinemas shitty and the main one is the utter lack of maintenance on both. We once got a big budget to make repairs, but Landmark blew it on a 3D projector for each theatre instead. #priorities.  The chairs have been neither upgraded nor fixed since they were installed like, 60 years ago. Some have come loose and are a balancing act. Some are so ripped up you have to put your coat down or your butt will be covered in foam particles. And some are missing their actual seats and are just chair backs rising out of the floor. I sat directly behind of one these missing chairs because no one can sit in front of me and I can be a big jerk face and put my feet up. I watch happily as triumphant ham face slowly falls into extremely disgruntled ham face when it approaches its seat only to find it isn't there. We make eye contact. I smile. Fatherham goes to sit in the row behind me instead and calls the ham in with a whalesong. Ham relents, squeezing into an existent seat beside its maker.  Halfway through the second trailer I can overhear the hams arguing about wether or not the cinema does free refills on large popcorn or only on large drinks because of-fucking-course one or both of them have polished off the beetus before the movie has even started. I hate obnoxious hams who become so petty under their mountainous flesh that they feel the need to fuck with other people's experiences, and I love it so much when those petty plans don't pan out as expected.  TL;DR: ham gets upsetti about me skipping the line, eats popcorn off a garbage can, tries to sit in front of me to block my view but the seat doesn't exist (probably broken by another ham), ham must acquire new large beetus snacks due to scarfing it all down before the movie has begun. I luck out and don't have a ham blocking my view. Deadpool was great.