Butter Bait Centuries ago I was at a birthday party for the fat kid in class. Back then it was customary for each school to share perhaps one. His fat mom called him upstairs and he returned minutes later, after a likely power snack en cachette, with at least two large paper grocery bags for maybe ten kids, each 3/4 full of popcorn, with the bag soaked translucent in butter. I'd never seen anything like it. This was all new but seemed normal for them. Previously I'd been shamed because they served sandwiches all quartered up and I was grabbing the egg salad as I didn't even recognize the other shit and so fat mom venomously spit, "Oh, he knows to get all of the good ones, doesn't he, look at him go". I thought that odd. She hated me. Apparently I'd been depriving their spawn of required nutrients. So, here we were, watching a movie and digging into the popcorn right after the pizza. I didn't want my hand in the butter bag with everyone else so I'd grab a handful and then eat a few at a time. Well lard ass birthday boy took great offense and made sure to shame me about my fantastic greed. You see, I had the audacity to have taken more than one at a time. I scoffed at his personal issues. I understood perspective and the math wasn't adding up. He cried for his mother and she waddled down with her even wider husband close behind, both afume.  I would not have it. "You mean to tell me you seriously eat popcorn, out of feed bags, one, single kernel, at a time?" YES. God dammit, they were civilized! "But you're all..." "WE'RE WHAT?!?" Leaning in, their eyes burned a deep fry. I realized, I was in grave danger. I told them I did not need their popcorn. Please, have it all. Their butter boiled as they huffed back up the beaten stairs. Those poor stairs. Their nails, slowly ratcheting to a futile escape. Who would hear their tortured cries? Lost in the murky depths of their double buttered lies.