My roommate is a whale and I have the data to prove it! There is this quirk in my life that I have begun to enjoy. When someone buzzes my apartment, instead of the traditional connection to the apartment, it links to my phone for confirmation. This allows me to let in friends regardless of where I am. This has given me a new game though, something to brighten my day. See, I live with a whale. My roommate used to not be a whale, in fact he exercised more than me – so much so that I now frequently go to the gym as I felt lazy for not having a decent schedule. That was then, this is now. Very rarely will people buzz into our apartment as we are generally with them or they can follow behind someone. This means my phone only receives one buzzer call – when my roommate orders fast food delivery. That’s right, I have 10 months of the eating habits of a whale tracked in my phone and I’m going to share it with you. I wanted to write about the characteristics of my whale-mate, but it’s much more fun when I have objective data. I realized I could pull the call data from my phone and play with the results, so here they are: http://sli.mg/W5uMCN Since January 17th, 2015. I have received 164 calls to enter the apartment. Almost all of these are food being delivered to my place. It doesn’t matter if the place is 5min away – it’s fucking delivered. I’ve added a trend line to show the progress. As you can see the obesity is growing, but I am an objective person and want to be fair. The data spikes are generally from second calls as I missed the first call and the largest spike is from a party we had. Let’s be very fair. I’m going to remove all call data that is 3 or more calls. He has ordered food 3 times day, but I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and limit it at twice a day (although I implore you, have seen tri-order days). This data looks like: http://sli.mg/5sMHiJ That is 138 deliveries in 299 days. Guess what? My roommate is obese. I didn’t pick up on it as he always wore baggy clothes and shorts, but they are the whale calling card. There is much more to that story, but let’s stick to the data – let’s be scientific. Now my roommate loves to brag about going to the gym and working out. I took it seriously enough that I now have a personal trainer as I felt I was being lazy. Now I realize he is trying to pretend to himself that he is trying. I go to the gym a few times a week and feel like an impostor. He has bought gym memberships to multiple gyms and doesn’t go, but loves to brag that he does – “I went to the gym today, time to order fast food twice and sit on my ass; I’ve earned this”. He is the perfect gym customer.    Now his whole attitude is bullshit. It’s been bullshit for a while, but let’s look at the data. Look at the trend line in the second graph – almost perfectly straight. For those curious, the r2 value is -0.000006; which is fucking zero. So this “gym hero” claims he is caring about his health and working towards goals, but over 10 months he has made zero changes to his lifestyle. I was naive and thought it was reducing, but it’s completely static. I have not seen him cook in a year. Any meal outside of that chart he gets from work or goes out to eat. He’s near 100% restaurant food. Do you know what’s worse? What’s more fucking ridiculous about this data? I mentioned friends can come in the front door behind someone, so to delivery drivers. What rate? About 25%! That’s right, 1/4 whale deliveries are not being recorded! The data is under-representative! How the fuck is that possible?!   (Holy shit, of course, I just got a call for the buzzer! It’s a huge amount of Indian food! Can you fucking believe it?!)   See he doesn’t eating small amounts. He will buy a pizza and wings and drink multiple cans of pop. Can’t figure out why you are a fat? Take a fucking guess! The saddest part? The girl he is fucking puts his body to whale-shame. He looks normal. She makes me worry about the structural integrity of my couch. When they sit together I pray my insurance covers man-made earthquakes. Fuck, I’m going to cook dinner.