My fat neighbors who I love to hate. Beware, this is long and ranty I live on the second floor of a duplex above a family of redneck whales in the rural conservative parts of an otherwise very liberal northern state. The rednecks here crack me up, because they all try to act like they're from the south, have southern pride and slap rebel flag stickers onto everything meanwhile being born and raised a 2 hour drive from a notoriously liberal city.  As is redneck tradition, they're loud and drunk and have pieces of cars all over their yard which I oversee from my balcony, eavesdropping against my will whatever low key domestic violence their king ape feels like dissing that day.  This particular troupe of lards consists of:  Big Maw - Nurse and provider for the family, as far as I can tell. When I first moved in, the landlord seemed to think she was the only one who lived there. She seems to be the most functional of the fatties (even covers up her body properly), but is nearly as wide as she is tall, and is pretty reclusive. King Ape - Son of Big Maw, his enormous crisco belly ever dipping below his wife beaters, yearning to kiss the floor. One day I think it will. The entire building quakes when he walks. No fucking joke, on the second floor I can literally FEEL where he's waddling to. He is chatty and too fucking stupid to know when to shut up. Once I loaded my arms with groceries from my car and was about to make my way upstairs when he stopped me to yap my ear off about how his anger management classes are going and to comment on how I seemed to have a lot of "hipster" food (fucking vegetables, eggs, skinless chicken breast and almond milk lmao) I said "Is eating healthy and not getting fat just for hipsters now?" and dipped. He doesn't try to talk to me anymore (fuck yeah, score), I keep encouraging my husband to shitlord on him but he's too polite and just let's the fatty waste his time. This guy seems to have beer glued to his hand because I've never once seen him without a can. He lives in the garage so his son can have the second room in the house when he visits. Speaking of, Lard Jr. - I have no idea how old this kid is. He acts like a 5 year old, but is enormously tall if that's the case. On appearance alone he looks 11. He seems to like to run around and do normal kid things so I can hope he'll escape obesity, but he's probably borderline obese already. I've never seen his mom, only an elephant parade of fat women who date his dad. Here's my favorite eavesdropping escapade of King Ape and his ex gf. "STOP WASTING SO MUCH MONEY TO GET YOUR PIGGY HOOFS PAINTED. IT'S NOT CUTE YOU FAT BITCH, AND WE'RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY!!" Which killed me that he was telling her off about how fat she was, even as he shook the house with his own piggy hoofs. To be fair, she was probably twice his size. Oh man, I miss that one, she had such a low self esteem that every time she saw me she would straighten her posture, suck in her gut, and flash bitchy, weirdly smug glances at me. Not to mention, anytime I would sing along to a song or in the shower or whatever, when i was done I'd hear her start to sing. Every. Time. It was weird, I think she was trying to compete with me? Dunno why, she wasn't a very good singer, and i never heard her sing unless it was immediately after me lol. The new fat gf is slightly smaller than King Ape, but one of those edgy punk fatties that do not pull it off because their tight clothing just emphasizes their rolls. I've said hello to be polite when walking by her as she smoked by her car, and she just gave me a bitchy look. Maybe she thought she was being cool and mysterious hahaha I could write a book on all the funny things I've been forced to hear about their lives. I'd call it "The house shivers" or something dramatic like that. Hope you enjoyed this evening rant.