My mum has turned into one of *them*, so I've been caretrolling her or whatever cows call that Since late last year it's been all "Stop running Sour_Kraut" (Walking at 3mph), "Do you have any sweets Sour_Kraut?" (The minute she's done with dinner at my place), getting ice tea where she used to get water and calling my collarbone anorexic.  She still has a concept of shame at least. Like she'll ask me "Do you want to use the elevator?" Which really is code for "I want to use the elevator, but I won't do it without you." She uses that one everytime we pass a McDonalds. So I've been all "You used to walk at this pace too, lose weight and keep up again", "I've got apples in the fridge", "You used to not like ice tea and water is better if you're thirsty", "Having a visible collarbone is normal, my bmi is a normal 20.something or other, why don't you tell me your weight and we'll see about yours? Oh you don't know your weight? Want to step on a scale anytime soon?", "Losing weight and exercising helps with back pain you know". I switch my gym fridays to gym saturdays or sundays when she wants hang out. "We could work out together and then hang out". As of yet she just ends up picking me up from there. Been pointing at the severely obese and saying "That one's enough for two people, you don't want to end up like that do you?".  I had two tiny victorys recently and I discovered my secret weapon. When I saw her eye the snacks at the movie theater I mentioned our dinner reservations and kept her from buying her usual 1000 calorie bag of peanut m&m's. There was no talking her out of ice tea though. We went to a sushi/thai place and she asked me what was going on behind her so I told her what I saw. Which was twopeople holding up its table with dessert. The married couple after us didn't get their order yet. The neckfat you tried to borrow a lighter from just got seated. Family of six is getting the bill. She said I was being mean with the nicknames and if I thought she was overweight then what was twopeople? That conversation ended in "At least I'm not obese" - "That things could be worse doesn't make it better" "Do you want dessert Sour_Kraut?" - "No" Mum stops at a gas station later that evening and I know my mum. "You buying a lighter?" - "Yes". Then I realize I know my mum and this is a gas station. So I quickly add "If you come back with junk food, I'll be worried" - "I am in the mood for something sweet" I stayed in the car wanting to hit myself, because she sounded like she just realized that because I said something. Turns out she just bought the lighter. My mum won't better herself for health, bearly holds back out of shame, but I say the w-word and a miracle happens.  My secret weapon are my goddamn feefees.