The Tale of the Handsy Hamplanet So I had some spare time, and I thought I would share with you lovely shitpeople one of the more terrifying encounters that I have had with a hamplanet in heat. Unfortunately, being a gay guy who enjoys the club scene, I've had lots of encounters with sexually aggressive hams, but this one probably takes the cake. Or cakes, even. My story starts off when my best friend decided that he'd never seen me drunk and that he wanted to, for some reason. He promised to buy, so I agreed, as long as he made sure I went home with him, and preferably only him. So off we went to some bar, and things went perfectly normally until we split up for a bit, him to get another round, and me to use the bathroom. I got in line, pulled out my phone and started reading something. We'll say it was FPH because hey, why not. I remember being pretty engrossed in whatever I was reading, and was suddenly surprised to feel something suddenly touching me between the legs. I looked up to see a very round face plopped on top of an equally round body that appeared to have somehow squeezed into a shirt that was begging to be put out of its misery. He was also either wearing leather pants so large and tight that they had no business existing, or had such a bad case of chub rub that his hide had tanned itself. I don't remember what exactly he said (did I mention it was a while ago, and I was drunk?), just that he kept trying very hard to convince me to go into the bathroom with him. Obviously, I turned him down. Repeatedly, actually. I even remember telling him I was here with someone, but he either didn't get the message, or more likely didn't care. I usually just leave when someone doesn't take no for an answer, but he had me against a wall and a firm grasp on my arm. Unfortunately for me, aside from being drunk, I’m a little bit (okay, a lot) on the petite side, and wasn’t able to get my arm back. Worst of all, though, was where he’d shoved my poor hand. I assume he was trying to get me to feel for what he hadn't been able to reach by himself for years. Thank God I couldn't find it, either.  By this point, I think there was one person ahead of me in line, and I was genuinely afraid for my mental health and physical well-being. I think he was also finally taking the hint, asking if I was really sure I didn’t want to join him in the bathroom (right, I’ve just been playing hard to get the whole time). That's when I heard a familiar and beautiful voice say "There you are!" My friend brushed my charming Oreomeo aside, gave me a couple-y sort of kiss and introduced himself to the ham beast. Hammy said something like "Oh, I get it," (fucking finally, I was thinking), and said something to my friend. I didn't hear what they were saying, but they hadn't talked too much before my friend grabbed my hand and said we were going. Obviously, I thanked him for saving me later. He said it was no problem, and that he "knew I hated fatties." I asked him what they talked about and why he left when he did (you know, instead of immediately). Apparently, we’d left right after Tubbs had said he thought the problem was that we were both only into white guys (both of us are white).