Dear Fatty, you constantly force me to feel your cloven hooves as you write your pathetic fantasies and shame upon me.  It is an unfair world and no diary should have to put up with getting poked and prodded by sausage fingers on a daily basis.  Your tears are salty and cause damage to my pages and binding.  Plz pass me off to an actual human or throw me in the trash and end my misery. PS. your breath is old and stale. PPS stop getting so many crumbs on me!!