My friend the accidental Shitlord. This is story from a few years about about my friend. We'll call him 'Blue' because that is as good a name as any.  The Scene: My best friend's wedding (to one of my ex girlfriends. (Yeah there was some awkwardness. Needless to say, I was not the best man due to her fear of what my speech might have consisted of! "Haha I remember this time I was balls deep in the bride......")  Anyhoo, in attendance, as you would expect, were all my friends and both party's families. The reception was held at a fairly remote country house so coaches were laid on for those of us who would be getting slaughtered at the free bar.  Now, one of the couples at the wedding was Benton and Jen (poorly disguised names used). Both of them were, shall we say 'portly'. No, let's not say that, let's say they were fucking hippos. Hugely obese. Both of them. We even speculated that Benton must have had a 12" cock as they had a kid and to manage that, his dick had to clear at least 5 inches of his belly and another 5 of hers. Anyway, fatty junk aside, this was the first time most of us, Blue included, had met Jen.  So cut to the end of the night and we are all piling on to the free coach. So, Blue gets on (bear in mind here that Blue was DWN: Drunk while Northern, and drunk northerners can casually swear like no-one else on earth) and announces to the entire coach the following salient observation: "Fooking hell! Benton's lass is fat as fooking fook!" Next person getting on the coach, directly behind Blue? Yes, you guessed it, it's Benton! Luckily for Blue, Benton was one of those permanently depressed, whiny fats, so all he did was hang his head and shuffle to his seat.  More stories about Benton the depressing fatty to come........