Eavesdropping on Porkpie Patients I went to see my doctor for a check up and as usual the waiting room looked more like a pig pen for all the hamhocks in it. One that stood out was Big Momma with her 6 foot height, rugrat in tow, and poorly bleached hair extensions.  Big Momma and Mini Mama sat next to me. A few minutes later I heard a rumbling and a huffing coming down the hall. The waiting room door opened and a haggard old ham lurched inside. Why was he breathing so hard? Did he sprint down the hall? His beetus-buckled legs suggested not. He held the door open, still panting like an overheated dog, while his Better Half huffed past him into the room on a cane.  They were both gasping for air. It was baffling and annoying. My clinic's suite is toward the back of the building, but even if I were to run at a full clip from the entrance I wouldn't get winded let alone be dying from asphyxiation. I ain't no athlete either. Two hours later, they shuffled the 10 feet from the door to seats across from me and started chatting up Big Momma. "I like your hair!" "Thanks! I was inspired by the frog neighbor from Rocko's Modern Life!" "This doctor is so great. He really cares about his patients. He'll always answer his personal number. He even calls after hours. One time he called me at 1 AM to tell me my blood pressure was dangerously high!" "Yes! He did that same thing for me, too!" Color me surprised. I was able to snap a picture before being put in an exam room. Minutes later, I hear Big Momma's spawn chirping outside the door "You're so big! You're so big!" Big Momma be must be getting weighed. "Oh 277! I've lost weight! I should get sick more often," says the Tubblr parody. The doctor came in shortly after and didn't believe me when I said I was crying because I was laughing so hard.