Jared the Whale Hey everyone! First post. I wrote a comment about this ham I work with, when I realized I could fill a post, if not multiple posts full of stories about this guy. I know people tend to exaggerate and hyperbolize the stories shared on here for the entertainment value, but what I'm about to tell you is completely and 100% true. I will even bring outside sources to back me up if needed. xD So here's a few beetus-glazed tales for you shitlords! (Disclaimer: Jared is this guy's real name, however spelled differently.) I've know Jared since high school. He was a grad below me, and a year younger. When I first met him, he was probably around 6'0, 220 310 pounds, I'd say. (I guesstimated, then looked at a photographic height/weight chart. Holy shit. Way bigger than I thought.) Not only was he fat, but he's also a HUGE asshole. I think it's a defense mechanism, because he was bullied quite a bit throughout high school, and probably the rest of his life I imagine. I was somewhat friends with him for a while because I was young and didn't know any better. That didn't last long before he started making all kinds of "get back in the kitchen" and "that's what she said" jokes. But the thing he was/is most known for (ask ANYBODY who's ever met him): Mountain Dew. He drinks...just...SO MUCH Mountain Dew. I had a choir class with him for my junior and senior year, and he would bring a 2 liter bottle of it to school every. single. day. He also revealed to me that he had another 2 liter at home when he got back from school. As someone who only drinks soda like, twice a year, that's just unfathomable. The last time I talked to him in high school was about a week before I graduated. Everyone was dicking around in choir because we had nothing to do. I was talking to Jared and I don't remember the exact thing he said, but it was obviously rude enough to make me punch him in the arm. Yes, punching someone isn't a nice thing to do, but I was 17 and he hurt my fee-fees!!! The reality of it, is that I was 5'5" and 120 lbs. (I'm a girl, too.) Me punching him as hard as I could probably felt like a tickle to him, and I didn't even do it as hard as I could. This fucker was probably 350 pounds by this time, a football player, and back-hands me right across the face. I get knocked from my chair and the whole classroom immediately went silent to stare. He says something like "YEAH. DOESN'T FEEL GOOD, DOES IT??" and leaves, while I cry and have a nice red mark on my cheek. Rad. (He got two days suspension. Not enough.) Fast forward 2 years, and I have a nice part-time job at a nice company working with nice people doing nice things. Imagine my horror when I see Jared walking around the warehouse in an employee shirt. He's totally forgotten about the incident at this point, and yells to me "Hey smalls!!" and waddles over to give me...a hug. I was paralyzed with horror. He's at least 400+ pounds now, with a neckbeard to boot. And you guessed it, Mountain dew in hand. He now drinks a 12-pack a day, not sure if an improvement. But the best part about working at this place is the immense amounts of casual shitlording everybody does around here. The other day, before Thanksgiving, Jared had the day off. Our boss was giving a little daily speech before our shift. As he was taking attendance, he called Jared's name and said "Oh, that's right, he has the day off. Probably started his thanksgiving dinner already, it'll take some time to finish, I'm sure." Everyone laughed. It was Wednesday at 9 a.m. These are just a few anecdotes I don't actually have proof of but have been passed on to me from other employees: One of our toilets in the warehouse bathroom is pretty loose and jiggles around when you sit on it. Guess who broke it off the wall? (Don't continue if you're eating or sensitive to nasty.) A coworker of mine told me he was working with Jared once when he notice a wet spot on the front of his shirt where is navel is. He thought he just spilled something, but then the stain started getting bigger. My coworker asked him about it, so he looked down, said "what the hell" and lifted up his shirt. His bellybutton was LEAKING. LEAKING. LEAKING. As in this fucker had an infection of some sort inside his navel that had festered enough to start LEAKING FLUID out and soaked into his shirt.  I'm sorry, everyone. I know you'll probably never eat again. But thank you for reading! :D