Whale Tales. Episode 3: McDonalds giveth happiness One sunny Sunday afternoon I was sitting on my porch enjoying the summer weather and listening to the neighborhood children play. It was just about lunch when my neighbor Jeff shows up, I knew I would have to sacrifice some time to listen to his constant complaining. You see Jeff had an undiagnosed medical condition that was making him overweight. "Jeff, how are you today?" I called out in my best whale voice, I always lowered my pitch to make it easier for his species to understand. He mumbled something back, I struggle to understand the language of the whale let alone whale and pig mixed into one. Eventually I began to understand what he was saying. It was his typical story, how hard his life is with his disability, how he wished the doctors could cure him so he could go back to working at the company his dad owned. Thankfully his dad was still paying him a full salary while he struggled with his weight, it was clearly a heavy burden. I asked if I could get him anything from the kitchen as I was refilling my glass of water, "Sure if you don't mind, you have any beer and chips?" Sorry I replied, I only had water and some baby carrots as I hadn't gone shopping. "baby carrots!" chuckled Jeff, "you are going to turn into a rabbit!" he cleared the phlegm in his throat and swallowed "You're lucky you don’t have my genes, you'd be just as big as me, probably even bigger" "Sammy!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. Sammy his young daughter, hopped off her bike and ran over, "Sammy go get your daddy a beer and the big bag of regular chips, not the flavored ones" He gazed towards me "I'm on a diet no flavored calories for me" he proudly muttered. Sammy returned with chips and two sodas,  "Sorry mom said it's too early for beer" her eyes looking down.  "You can't do anything right can you, go back to your bike" Jeff replied handing me the extra soda. "I'm sorry dad" Sammy whispered, her eyes wet and shiny. "So I'm probably getting a divorce" he groaned. I was in shock and utter disbelief at this news, his wife Alex was 36 and he had just turned 46. They had tried to have Sammy for two solid years and now he's calling it quits with a 6 year old little girl.  "Yeah, but what she doesn't understand is the house is in my dad's name, so are the cars, she won't get a dime from me or my pops, I'll make sure she's living on the streets" He went on in detail how he would destroy one of the hardest working moms I've ever met.  She was a part-time cashier at the local grocery store, but she always had a smile. Meanwhile Jeff was a full time PlayStation/Twitch gamer, who would give me reviews of all the latest shows on TV. He explained to me "yeah I got a new Tivo, it lets me record 6 shows at once, so when I'm gaming I don't miss anything, it's amazing" We watched as Alex and Sammy rode off on their bikes, even when Sammy was a baby I would always see Alex riding around with her. Alex was incredibly fit and she could turn any mans head with her toned body and short haircut, I do confess I commented several times how great of shape she was in. Not many woman can pull off short hair, but she was gorgeous. I asked Jeff "why don't you go on the bike rides, exercise would help you lose some weight and your daughter would love it, she always begs you to go" I could see a tiny bit of rage in his eyes "it's my condition, there's lots of things I want to do but I can't, I really wanted to hike a few national parks this year but I still need to research training and what gear I need".  I could barely contain my laughter, Jeff could barely climb into his truck let alone hike a trail in a national park. Jeff was fit before getting married, he showed me pictures of what he used to look like, almost as proof that he was human and didn't need to be put in a traveling side show of freaks. He explained how a doctor suggested Alex take fitness more seriously when they wanted kids "but it was me who pushed her, she owes it all to me to be honest, she's so ungrateful" he told me once. He even explained during one drunken rant how he lied to her about needing money so she would get a job and quit school. A few weeks later while I was away, Jeff would suffer a major heart attack and die. He was found at the local McDonalds slumped over the steering wheel of his car. Alex would later confess to me how Jeff's father blamed her for not taking care of Jeff and letting him get too big. Jeff's father and mother were a real piece of work, they sold the house, the cars and tried to leave Alex with nothing, even going so far as to wanting custody of Sammy claiming she had no money and couldn't support her. Unfortunately for Jeff's father, Alex was made the primary beneficiary of the insane life insurance policy Jeff had setup. I remember him bragging one day before Sammy was born how he had insured himself for millions because that's what he was worth as an executive, but I honestly never believed him. Turns out he was telling the truth, he was insured for millions and Alex got it all. She moved back across the country to be with her family, where became a manager at the local grocery store. She sends a few photos now and then and she's the happiest I've ever seen her. I never did drink the soda Jeff gave me, it sits in my fridge as a reminder to take responsibility for the things I eat because no one else will do it for me.