Not All Fats Can Float (Story Time) Hello my friends. I recent posted reminded me of something that happened last summer. Hope you enjoy. The old apartment complex I lived in had an outdoor pool. The building was this old 50's resort type thing that was renovated into apartments. It was really cool, layout was super retro, and had this huge dolphin fountain. Really has nothing to do with the story but I loved that place. Any who, there was this Tess Dumpster sized wanna-be that was always cooking by the pool until crispy and golden brown. Similar whale size, awful red hair that was meant to look like Tess but looked like Chuckie, caked on makeup, God awful scratcher tattoos all over, and the fatkini. Just spilling out of the fatkini.  My boyfriend and I would go regularly on hot days to swim laps at the pool and avoid our cheap, ham infested gym (Planet Fatness. I know, I'm sorry). She was there pretty much every time we were, probably on purpose since the times we went were fairly predictable. She would always try and 'show off' for my boyfriend, get him to notice her. Who doesn't want the attention of a 6 foot sculpted Asian god? I know I do.  When we finished swimming laps we started splashing around, mostly him lifting me out of the pool then gently tossing me back in like a rag doll. The Bacon got jelly and decided to try and 'seductively' slip in the pool. It was more like a plop, big splash which rocked the water. She leaned against the pool wall, arms out on each side in a power pose and making disgusting faces that were meant to be sexy. I made a comment to my boyfriend and he turned to look at her and lost his shit. He was not subtle, laughing hysterically before turning back to me and pulling me out of the water then tossing me back in again. I pretended to be dead, floated around a little before he pulled me up and made a fake, dramatic show to cry over my 'dead' body.  This apparently gave the whale an idea, for some reason she must have thought if she dead floated, he would 'save' her too. That his laughing at her was him flirting with her? Who knows what rolls round in those sugar brains. So floated... or tried. If she tried to 'float' on her stomach the water would just flip her upright and raise her fat sack boobs to her face. If she tried to 'float' on her back her boobs would push back towards her face, pushing her head under water which made her freak out and splash around like dumb ass trying to right herself.  Neither of us could contain ourselves and started laughing. This angered the beast who stood and wiped its face, smearing all the clown paint, and advanced towards us. I feared for my life, my boyfriend put his arm in front of me protectively (we know how unpredictable they can be). Apparently the stairs to the pool where behind us and as she passed she managed to glare at me and wink at my boyfriend simultaneously.  She struggled to pull her self out of the pool, gravity bring her to a knee before she could stand on both legs. She then stomped (I don't think the stomping was intended, just hard for her to move) to her deck chair and dropped onto it. I am surprised it didn't break, the plastic straps creaked (or whatever sound they make) and the metal legs scrapped the cement. My  boyfriend hopped out of the pool like a bad ass, body glistening then put his hands under my arms and pulled me out of the pool. I could see Hammy excreting jealousy that no one would be able to man handle her like that. She stared longingly at him before he yelled "See you tomorrow fatty!" The look on her face... it was like it melted... she had to be sucking her cheeks in and holding her eyebrows up the while time because it got even fatter. I smiled and rolled my eyes, he huffed at her in disgust and we left. Edit: Words are hard.