The Wheezing Ham Since school has started, I've decided to make it a habit of getting to school just as the sun is rising to get a nice run and maybe some weight training in before classes start for the day. I woke up a little late today because my alarm didn't go off on time, so instead of catching the bus at 6:35am, I had to catch it at 7:35am. (damnit, 100 people on the bus already).  Across the street I see a particularly huge hipped ham (We'll call her Ham Legs) waddle its way to the intersection. She looks tired and is visibly panting. Did she just run up until she was in view?  Once HL gets over to the bus stop, she races to the seat and slams her ass down next to three other people while letting out a huge sigh. She continues to pant like a fucking dog, her hot breath creating a huge cloud around her rosy face.  Jesus christ.. She looks over at me. (Ew. Don't look at me, cow.) She looked at me again. (wtf you want beasty?) She just kept glancing over to me! Bus arrives, we all pile on and begin our 20 minute journey to the university. All is well. Bus arrives, we all dump out and I make a B-line for the gym across campus. Somehow I ended up behind HL. She's giving it all she's got to drag those ham hocks in front of the other in order to do something similar to walking, wheezing like she's about to keel over any second. (Fuckin really?) Those putrid limbs of hers jutted out of her sides like she was human on top but car on the bottom and I couldn't pass her for a good while since most of the walkways are lined with bushes.  Finally passed the bush area and was able to overtake like a boss. She ended up turning off somewhere to a different building. IDGAF where she went. I went up into the gym, got changed, and did my run and shit.  I forget about Ham Legs for a few hours.  I get up to my second class, climb a few stairs and who the fuck do I see in the hallway. HAM LEGS. We were on the second floor but I don't doubt it for a second that she used the elevator. She looks at me with that pig face of hers and oinks out a scoff. (U FUKIN WOT M8??) I don't even know what I did to elicit that, btw.  Please don't tell me we are waiting for the same god damned class. I have 5 classes this semester, I don't have the strength to deal with this bitch on the reg. She looked pretty normal for a planet though, I have to say. No visible piercings or tattoos or dyed hair or outrageous clothing style. She had a normal face, for a pig, but her hips and legs must have been at least 7 times the width of my own. She looked like a very sad/melty ice cream scoop on top of a cone. Her boobs were drooped to her stomach, and she had side boobs out the wazoo. Just grotesque. And she was still wheezing! She was constantly in a state of elevated breath rate.  Bunch of classes let out simultaneously, mine being one of them. I jump in as soon as I can and sit down. She's nowhere to be found. Fucking yes. Rest of my classes went by like the wind and Ham Legs was nowhere to be found.  I head back to the bus exchange to catch my bus back home AND WHO DO I SEE WADDLING AROUND CAMPUS? You guessed it. Plate of pizza in hand, headed towards the cafeteria. Fuckin lol.  I pray I see her again on one of my jogs. I'll run circles around that bitch just to hear her squeal.