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Today's the day.
Today's the day.
I've been marking my calendar. I'm gonna do it today.
Today's the day I propose to that girl.
Every year when spring comes around, sometimes I forget that it's the first day of spring,
but this year, I blow it down.
Today's the day.
Today's the day.
Today's the day. I don't plan to kill my neighbor.
Today's the day.
Today's the day. I don't secretly abuse heroin right before driving an ambulance.
Today's the day.
Today's the day I call all of you into my office to explain a few things.
Today's the day.
Today's the day.
Everyone has an excuse.
Yes.
Everyone has an excuse. Whenever you get in trouble, everyone's gonna have an excuse.
Everyone's blaming someone else. Everyone's blaming other people.
I blame the accused.
You're accused.
Exactly.
You're accused.
But when you're pointing one finger out, you're pointing three fingers back at yourself.
And the thumb that way.
It's always like that magic hole in the other canes.
No, yes.
The magic flavor.
Everybody's got something to make it go sideways.
This guy's going this way and this guy's going that way.
So you don't know which way they're going.
But nevertheless, you know there's guilty fucks everywhere.
Because there are fingers going nine different places.
But there are those who believe we're born with original sin.
So aren't we all guilty in some way?
Aren't we all guilty in some way?
I've got things that I'm not proud of.
Today's the day I'm not gonna feel guilty.
I'm gonna live my life free like a baby that was just born.
Today's the day that I'm gonna recommend that all my clients plead not guilty.
Somebody's got to be right.
Today's the day that I'm not gonna start every conversation telling everyone my entire personal history.
Today's the day.
Today's the day that I edit the opening.
Wow, you're looking bummed out.
Oh Glenn, come on.
Oh Glenn, I keep going over this and over this and over this.
It's a lot of evidence, a lot of it points to you.
Oh Glenn, I don't see a way out.
And I mean, I don't want to do your job for you.
Oh, you have a mountain to get over.
Oh, this is gonna be hard.
Why don't we just say guilty?
Let's just say Glenn, you've been a good friend.
Magic game, Paul, don't lie.
Magic game, Paul, don't lie.
The Glenn dog, he grabbed it, he shook it, he looked at it.
That's the way his day goes.
I brought bagels.
Come on, man.
You need to relax.
Look at this as an opportunity.
Something's gonna happen to you.
And then that will change your life.
Okay, right.
Yes, I know, I've started doing trunks again.
Come on, man, you ruined me a note, you made me put it in my wallet.
I'm not gonna have it anymore.
That was you.
Cool, cool.
I still remember this.
Look, here's the thing.
Glenn, let's just go in there, you know,
throw myself on the mercy of the court, okay?
White collar crime, it can't be that bad.
Why did I even shower them?
Right.
I don't know.
Buddy.
These bagels aren't gonna bagel themselves,
but they already have their bagels.
Yeah, but a bagel that hasn't been eaten,
it's like a tree that falls in the forest.
I'm too high for that stuff.
I'm too high.
We are a bad group of people to be put together.
To bring out the worst in each other.
I came to you for financial advice.
You were like, fuck it, man.
You hear a good tip, take it.
Insider trading.
And they were mites, who mites white people.
And I'm racist.
Oh, Glenn, you bring up the worst in me.
I thought those were the new skull candies.
They were not.
They were at the eye skull candy.
Now, hi, my voice gets.
Yes, there you go.
There you go.
That looks like fun.
I will try it.
There's no way I'm gonna survive in prison.
I know that.
Mary Ann.
Jordan.
Would you marry me?
What?
Would you marry me?
Oh my gosh.
Yes.
Really?
Yes, of course.
That's so awesome.
I have never been asked to get married on a first date.
I'm like, totally unprepared of my genes.
It's like I've never been on a first date.
The first person said yes to me for the first date.
I haven't even kissed yet.
I got the shot. I got the shot.
It looks great. I'll email it to you.
Okay, thanks, Larry.
Thank you so much.
This means so much to my family.
This means so much to Larry.
Do you think our table's ready yet?
I'm so, I'm so excited.
I feel like I should...
Just a few moments until your table is ready.
Oh, thank you. Thanks.
We just got engaged.
That's too darling.
Thank you.
Congratulations.
As I stand...
This looks like a very comfortable union.
I'll go check on your table, please.
I'll get some butter mince.
Butter mince?
I have a trap butter mince right here.
I'll get some butter mince for the lady.
Then once you get them, I have a question for you.
Sure.
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
You're very welcome. No!
Just the privilege to deliver butter mince is all the reward.
Nice.
This place is so wonderful.
It's like if you get to sleep.
Jordan, I have a question for you.
What is it? Should I take a knee?
What should I do?
Maybe you should sit.
This is awkward.
Do you think we're ready to have children?
Yes!
Yes, tonight!
Tonight we're going to do the act tonight.
Oh my gosh, I'm so excited.
Children are all watching this.
Two things.
I think this is going to really work out.
Jordan, I have a confession.
Oh, whatever, whatever it is.
Our love is so strong, I can take it.
I've been seeing someone else.
Since we started dating tonight?
Oh, no!
Jordan, I'm sorry.
Jordan, I'm sorry.
Jordan, I'm sorry.
Oh, no!
The barman's guy!
I was going to kid you.
Yeah, then I refused
because delivering butterman's
is reward enough for me.
I heard that already, but you've been delivering
more than butterman's is what I'm getting.
Oh, yeah. Delivering
day, night.
30 minutes or less.
COD.
And other forms of delivery.
Oh, you work for the Postal Service as well?
Oh shit, I can't compete with a butterman guy!
You really can't.
I've drawn up some papers.
I'm sorry, a table's not ready yet.
I do have two individual tables
that have become free.
I guess that's the only way it makes sense
at this point, isn't it, Mary Ann?
This is how you want it.
Maybe if a two-top
becomes available, you and the butterman guy
can have it.
You'd have to wait until the 11-15
when he's off the clock.
I don't even want to know what him being off the clock
and why I'd have to come around back and stop him.
I've got all the time in the world
and this is what I'm coming back to.
I feel like I've come between you two.
Yeah!
You see what he did?
I do.
You see what he did?
He's knocked me down in a hole!
I saw, I saw,
and you're the bigger man
for not resorting to physical violence.
Well, I wanted to pop him one good,
I tell you that much.
I just wish there was a part of you
that could pat yourself on the back.
I don't know, I feel like he took my man with me.
My humanity crunching.
That's not over-sale or for-taken.
That Neanderthal
was acting
in a century that is not current.
You always understand.
He's not a friend of a people.
Still though, that's a jerk.
That's very aggressive with your hand.
Well,
he just, he's getting me so mad.
He just wants to respect
his greased pants.
He's got a bandana in his back pocket
like a Lesser Springsteen album.
What's in there?
You've done the right thing.
You should be, don't you,
don't you want me to just,
go over there?
Allen Gretchen.
Allen Gretchen.
Allen Gretchen.
Allen Gretchen.
Allen.
That would be in a front hurry.
Don't roll your hands up
like you're going to deal cars.
You went to Princeton.
Princeton.
I know.
Princeton, man, has cops.
I know.
I'm going to roll them up
and I'm going to pop him one good.
I have to defend your honor.
I don't like the way you're talking to me at all.
I have to defend your honor, Gretchen.
Gretchen, why didn't you tell him
that you're in family way?
What did you tell him about the family way?
I thought if I brought it up,
he might have an aneurysm.
Well, Gretchen, you've got to get to the point.
You've got to share these things with your man.
It's not like the old days.
I can't even open the old days.
You can't just wait until the last minute
and hide it and then pop it out all nice.
Like, here it is.
Well, you know I don't like pleats or belts.
I can take my time.
I know, but you can't wear them all the time.
Sandy, did you talk to Gretchen
about telling her what to do?
She doesn't talk to me.
What?
Yeah.
I didn't see nothing.
Did you tell her to do it?
I'm not crying again.
I'm next to her now.
You didn't have to do it.
Yeah.
I'm next to her now.
I'm next to her now.
Yeah.
I'm next to her now.
I'm next to her now.
I'm next to her now.
I'm next to her now.
Talk to her.
Get down.
I just want to get in the car and go home.
No, we got to settle this.
That my ankles are swelling.
We got to settle this, sweetheart.
What do we mine?
Where are you?
I'm not wrong.
Selling things.
This man doesn't know your name, your history, your lineage.
But he knows me enough to knock me down and call you out.
But his words have no weight.
They have no weight, they have no weight, his words.
The little thought bubbles, dissipating, and what, you're letting that man get into the
real estate of your mind?
What, is there a fire sale going on in your brain?
You're right.
I am right!
You're right!
Where's the car?
You gave the man the ticket, what is it?
Then he knocked me down and called you in.
I am so excited.
I am for excited.
No, I am very, very excited.
I feel like I'm way more excited than you.
I peed my pants twice on the cab right over here.
I jumped off a building to get into my car to get over here.
I was locked out of the theater so I broke the window in the back of my nose.
I pushed all nine old women out of the way to get through the door.
They were all waiting to get in.
I had, secreted in my right shoe, a little bindle of cocaine.
I did it right up the nose, lickety-split, and I am so excited.
It is pretty excited.
I didn't do any drugs.
This is what I have to come to work to every day.
Did you get those invoices up?
I got them all done.
Woo!
Hey, Pete!
Pete, what's up?
How much?
Happy Tuesday.
Happy Tuesday.
You like that coffee, Pete?
It's pretty good.
Check out this printer paper, Pete.
It doesn't have those little holes on the side anymore, like the old days.
It sure doesn't.
After a while, you start to get used to it and you learn how to tune them out.
Pete, it is me, the ghost of Thursday's future.
So, you think it's all about you.
That everybody's jubilation is some sort of burden that you have to bear.
Well, let me show you what it would be like otherwise.
So, what you do is, you bring in the calf here, you punch it in the head,
then you go make calf cutlets.
Yes, I'm great!
Yeah, feel.
Yeah!
Rocky, you buy an Ernie's wheel console.
Feel today.
Feel tomorrow.
How you doing?
Hey.
Which courtroom are you in?
I'm in a family court.
Oh!
Are you cool?
Really?
Yeah.
Sure, sure.
Do you look a lawyer I could get?
I know a lawyer.
I need a lawyer.
I'm representing myself in there.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah.
Talk about the last minute.
Just talking about the last minute.
It was the last minute.
I came to a...
Wow, buddy, I'm so sorry.
It was the wife taking everything.
She's taking everything.
Yeah, out.
Kramer versus Kramer.
I guess you're a Kramer.
I'm one of the two Kramer, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Metaphorically.
Were you here for a traffic court?
No, a white collar crime.
A white collar crime?
Yeah, insider trading.
Holy shit!
No way!
Really?
Yeah.
You pulled that off?
Not yet.
Order in the court, order in the court!
Glenn, Glenn.
Glenn.
Glenn.
The defense may call...
Oh, anybody have changed for a five?
The stamp machine.
Some dickhead put superglue in the coin slot.
So it's, you gotta have once.
Kind of bumming out my thing.
Mr. Peterson.
I believe it is your witness.
Yeah!
You got changed for a five?
No, Mr. Peterson!
If it pleases the court, I may have changed for a five.
Give him what he wants and let's just get on with this case.
No, Mr. Peterson!
I mean, think about it.
If I need small bills for the stamp machine,
I'm just going back to the stamp machine.
Hey, you ever thought about maybe just getting it back together with wife?
Really?
Yeah, just like Patton, you know.
How bad could it be?
Would you walk in on her and a couple dudes?
Yeah, that's exactly what happened.
Well, you know, she's just exploring her sexuality.
It was weird.
I felt like I felt put out by the whole thing.
Yeah, I can get to the point.
But then she was going along with the voice.
See?
What could you do?
Throw yourself on the mercy of your wife?
I guess.
Did you do that in the court?
My lawyer said to do it, so, you know, trust him, yeah.
I don't know, get your snacks, man.
Order in the court, order in the court!
You know, this reminds me of when me and a couple dudes
were getting it on with this one guy's wife.
I don't see the relevance, but I'll do it.
I didn't do that, but it's a cool story.
Alright, Mr. Peterson.
I've heard it.
It is a pretty cool story.
Alright, anybody got a change for Susan B. Anthony?
Damn it.
I think jubilation is on.
It's starting.
Oh, you're watching that tonight?
Yeah, remember?
Yeah.
If we were like tonight, we're going to actually watch something
if it's my clip on, on the TV, like not on our DVR,
not on the man.
Oh my gosh, it's starting.
Hot corn.
Okay.
I heard it's got lousy views.
Oh, you know what though?
Let's make our own opinions.
I just hate how all these TV shows come from Europe,
but there's some kind of, you know,
hit it out of the park, high-flute and piece of culture.
You know what, let's just try for this one night
to not be racist.
That actually hurt a little bit.
I didn't say it to be hurtful.
I'm sorry.
I just don't like these shows.
It's always so...
I don't know what to say.
Coming up, unhappy jubilation hour.
I put a nickel in my hand.
You choose the hand.
Which hand will it be?
Which hand will it be?
What the fuck?
It's funny.
Daniel, that is not funny.
I'm only crying, that's not funny.
I said I'd never been on TV before.
This is being aired globally.
And on the Armed Forces Network.
Don't let down our heroes.
No, please.
I'm going to go to the kitchen for the rest of the night, okay?
What?
I'm just going to go to the kitchen and turn on the AM radio.
Hope for a get that sooner rather than late.
We're coming on hour number five at KJ's.
We'll be listening to the entire B-side.
Ornette Coleman's.
Live at Carnegie Hall, 1970 and 1.
Hey, Dale.
What's that?
I have a coin in one of my hands.
Oh, fuck.
The same thing.
Shit.
With your wife out on the couch and trying to reconnect.
These guys are usually mellow and likable.
Why don't you guess which one of my hands holds the coin?
Well, I guess there's a whole lot of options.
Now we're both just standing in the kitchen.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hi.
Hi, how can I help you?
Do you remember me from last week?
Yeah, yeah, I do.
You're the valet who took my keys, pushed me down and called my wife.
I did.
I'm sorry.
It's been a difficult time for me and I've reflected greatly on how I've hurt others.
So this last week, I've gone through a great...
Stop right there!
I came ready for a fight.
Don't try to humanize yourself.
Oh, no, that's fine.
I deserve violence for all the things that I've done.
I've changed on the inside.
I can only apologize and offer you the truth that...
Sit.
I can't even talk!
What are they saying?
I can't even touch them!
I can't even touch them!
Are you stealing the apricot fight tonight?
I can't even touch them, I can't even touch them!
Oh my God!
I can't even touch them!
I can't even touch them!
I can't even relax!
Hey you seagulls, get off my stoop!
No!
You see something new every day!
Well I'm in a great mood.
I hope each and every one of you are in a great mood.
I said you're out of your mind, but then I came down here and I said, well, the heat's not that hot, and the humidity will, hey, my skin's glowing.
Two muscled adonises holding fans made out of ostrich feathers.
You know what I love about this room? All the outlets.
I can plug my Casio keyboard just about anywhere I lie. That makes me feel fine.
Popcorn ceiling, popcorn ceiling.
Real fine.
Tell you what I don't like.
Escalators.
Just make the stairs feel bad, I suppose. Champagne, martini glass, old-fashioned tumbler.
So this morning I got up with the sun, and I decided, well, I'm going to put on my running sneakers and go for a little running walk.
That's moving fast without changing your gait.
And the backboard and the basketball hoop, but it's pushed up for tonight's event.
Well, I was running.
Well, I saw two young boys, and they were on the verge of fisticuffs, violence, and I thought, no, not with my eyes, I won't see it.
So I closed my eyes and I listened to two children fight.
There's a Jimmy John sub-coupon taped to the wall.
His crying real tears from that story he just told me.
Emotion. I'll dance with her any time.
Why play the piano when we have such a lovely man?
What are you in for?
White color crime.
What are you in for?
I tried to beat up two guys this life of my ex-wife.
All right, he gets to be my bitch, and you get to be my right-hand man.
That sounds better than bitch.
It's just a step up. You're still technically my bitch.
Do you need a cough drop?
I always sound like this.
Well, years of hard-living does to you.
Wow.
Yeah.
Well, we were like before you were in here. You couldn't have always been.
There's no resulting unraveling.
Sure, you were happy once.
I was happy once. Playing the piano. Having two muscly men.
Waiting for the problems.
This sounds implausible.
It's very true, my friend. Very true.
I know. Here. Wow.
Funny world.
Seriously.
So, I like the bottom bunk.
You're gonna like the bottom of a lot of things.
Woo!
