Excuse me, excuse me, stare into my crystal ball.
They say that every dog has its day.
But I will say this, not every woman is a dog.
Only the fat, disgusting ones.
And don't worry, in the future, when I'm president,
we're gonna do something about them.
We're gonna make America sexy again.
You know, in the future, the dishonest lying media
claimed that my recession has made me the least popular
president in history.
What a lie.
In fact, I'm very popular, and everybody loves me.
The people at the soup kitchen, love me.
The unemployed families living in their cars, love me.
The roving gangs killing each other in the desert
for cans of food, love me.
A lot of people are saying I'm the most popular president
ever.
I'm getting a terrific vision right now, hold on.
I'm seeing a total and complete shutdown of Muslims
entering the United States.
And by the way, I get rid of all the Muslim Americans, too.
And some of the Hindus, because I don't have time
to be politically correct.
And I gotta tell you, I love the Muslims.
I love their hummus.
And we make the best hummus wraps in Trump Towers.
In the future, I'm gonna work very closely
with the female members of Congress.
Only the most beautiful ones are welcome to the Oval Office
any time.
Or should I say, I welcome in their Oval Office.
It's gonna be unbelievable.
OK, you want to know your future?
Fine, come here.
Come here, I'll tell you your future.
Look at you.
You're so confused.
What a lowlife.
You actually believed I was gonna tell you your future?
You're really, really pathetic.
Do you people see this loser?
Get him out of here.
This person is looking at me like, oh, please, Mr. Trump,
tell me the future.
You disgust me.
Get out.
Get it out of here.
I'm getting a vision now.
In the future, I completely ruin the dishonest media.
I bring in some unbelievable lawyers
and use my money and my power to destroy them.
Did I start the Trump News Network?
I'm seeing a headline now.
Trump's sexiest president alive.
What a headline.
Excuse me, stare into my crystal ball.
People said, oh, Trump doesn't have experience
with international relations.
But in the future, I have great relations.
My world summits and the Bahamas are full of young
international girls from China, Russia, the Middle East.
And I have unbelievable relations with all of them, OK?
I guarantee you, there is no problem down there.
All right, step right up to hear the future.
I'm so glad I finally solved the issue of Obama's birth
certificate, because when I'm president,
all my attention is needed for an issue
of much greater national concern.
Is Elvis Presley still alive?
A lot of people are saying they've seen him,
so nobody really knows what's going on.
And if he is dead, why has he released a death certificate?
And I've got to tell you that Elvis is still alive,
and he has pulled one of the greatest cons
in the history of show business.
You know, in the future, America faces
unbelievable threats from hackers.
And our national security, guys, they're so incompetent.
Russia is beating us so badly.
So in my first hour in office, I, Donald J. Trump,
hire the best Russians to come in,
and I give them full access to the White House servers.
Putin personally recommended these guys.
And by the way, he called this plan brilliant.
I'll take the cup of it.
Gentlemen, who's Michelle?
I got to be moving, sorry.
Anybody?
Yeah.
You want?
Yeah, I'll take it out of here.
You got to take it out of here.
God bless me, and God bless the Trump towers.
No, I'll take it, I'll take it.
Who are you with?
Nobody.
Nobody's moving.
Thank you, gentlemen.
So who are you with?
I'm with W-1 World Radio.
Who are you with?
What authority do you have?
No touch.
No touch.
OK, no touch.
What authority do you have?
What authority do you have?
What authority do you have?
The apartment, that's it.
All right, and it can't be in the park.
That's it.
It can't be in the park.
It can't be in the park.
And it can't be in the park.
No touch.
It can't be in the park.
It can't be in the park.
Y'all do it, that's it.
It's very certificate.
It can't be in the park.
Whatever.
Ain't nothing happening here.
Call the police.
Don't jump up in my room, Chief Base, like that.
Thank you.
Now I'll clean off with some dumb shit.
That shit ain't funny.
You don't want him to be president.
Who do you want?
Because I don't want nobody.
I think it won't work here.
Exactly.
So tell the truth.
You can be truthful.
Because those are not working perfectly, actually.
No, we're going to get into politics.
Because he's not jumping up in my room, Chief Base, like that.
Because they all can get fucked up.
They're fucking dumb shit.
