Hi, everyone, and this is David Wallace.
This is the perfect course for you to learn how to live in squalor, cook in squalor, maybe
get a bit of dick or pussy in squalor, whatever your preference might be, I'm agnostic about
that kind of thing.
So let's start with the squalor kitchen, excuse me while I turn around here.
Here we have it, this is the best Timber Creek can offer with a little help from me.
Now our first thing is to check what's in the fridge, let's see now, no roaches today,
but it's looking pretty helpful, I don't see why people are putting balls of coke
that are nearly empty in there, ah, tomato sauce, I'm covering the label that says Primo
because I don't have a range with them yet, but the first step is of course to get your
filthy pan, and this is pretty good because if we turn the heat on, here's a secret, if
you just leave the dredge in the pan, some water, I'll show you my water method for doing
the sausages, you'll get a nice sauce for that, you know, so why not make do with what
you have, you know, take advantage of all the stuff here, pulling a sausage with one
hand, well you think I'd be used to that by now, let's put a four in there, this is the
selection brand of guaranteed lips and assholes pork meat, so you can put lipstick on a pig
and kiss it, right here we go, oh god get right into there, yeah, alright now we're
going to, actually seriously this is the way I do sausages anyway, oh sorry about the
sink there, like this will, maybe cockroach bodies in there, yeah, there you go, breathe
easy sink, I'm going to get some water, I think the water is on today, and what they're
going to do is steam the sausages, I'm not going to try and turn this thing around, I
know you want to see me while I do this, but yeah, there we go, and the whole point of
this is the water will cook the sausage meat through, and then when that's evaporated you
can brown them, it's actually a really great method of, see if you surprise anyone in here,
oh no okay fine, spoon, some fucking spoon, oh no wait that's just forks, fork up here,
it's a good opportunity to wash my hands too, now we're going to prick your meat, sorry,
that's splendid, now while those get kind of cooked through there, I'll just leave
that in the pan so I can heat up to boiling and I can grab it later and I'll give it a
nice scream, that'll be really funny, so yeah the next is we're going to make our sauce,
done, check back in a minute and we'll show you the final touches to squalid sausages
and tomato sauce, now this may be five, this is a great opportunity to guys to get to the
computer and pull your pants down and start masturbating to some porn, and don't worry
if you wake up three days later with the fireman nudging you away, you can always kind of like
deck him one, say, call him a faggot or something, I wonder about people who like answer job
descriptions that says get to slide down poles, you know, I really think about that kind of
thing, so this is coming along in pace, you see it's making a lovely stalk or maybe it's
a broth, it's a little too thin for a stalk, I don't know, let's see what these lips and
assholes look like, okay, moving right along, singing some Italian nonsense helps, let's
just see how we're doing with this thing, it's not done, it gets kind of boring waiting
for the stuff to brown and everything, my usual advice, if you get bored in life, just
do a big snort of blow or any other kind of legal drug, your life will get really interesting
and really fast, okay, the browning moment is arriving, blackening is good too, blackening
is beautiful, and usually getting to be, just imagine, it's hard to keep the camera on the
thing, I was going to reach over, reach over with your filmy nightgown like my mom used
to, and reach over the hot elements and drape the filmy element on the, yeah, well you get
the idea, let me turn this down, and whoops, now we add the sauce, just enough to compliment
the asshole lip taste, if I may want to water that down a little bit, I don't know, I don't
know if someone peed in the sink or what, oh it's a cigarette butt, that's why you
don't, you know, just don't do that guys, I know it's kind of depressing how I, how
brilliant I am, if, you know, don't let it get you down, I know that I nail this right
away, but you know, I'm also old, so you can rest assured that, that I'm unhappy about
that, I know we all want to know that someone's unhappy about something, and are less, you
know, successful or less content in their life, so if I can do that for you, I'm happy
to do that, okay, bubble, bubble, toil and trouble, asshole's lips cause lots of trouble,
just like mommy used to make if she worked in the pickery nuclear station, oh god, did
I miss that whole fucking sequence, well you didn't see the plating, but I don't actually
want you to because it's kind of a secret, so there we have, you know, poverty never
tasted so great, and this is David, did I fucking forget my name, this is David looking
for a fucking fork, is what I'm looking for, oh yeah, this is David, sharing the, sharing
the, this is David, well it's assuring you that poverty never tasted so great.
