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Sure, you guys prepare yourselves. I can do this.
My finger popped out of my skin when I was a kid.
I was running, and it was around this time, but in Massachusetts.
There was a snow that had a springtime-ish, so the snow was melting.
We were running around, and I turned and slipped, and I popped it out.
It was one of those things like, I'll be fine, and then you look at it, and it was in the seventh grade.
And I immediately freaked out. I thought they were going to have to cut it off.
I had a great slip and fall as a coroner, just a few years ago.
And this was not in Boston, but I in Los Angeles here.
And I was turning the coroner on to sunset, and a couple was walking by.
And I kind of was like, very attractive, male-female, very attractive woman.
Check her out, and I slipped.
And they really didn't notice me until I slipped.
And then the worst part was that the guy rushed to my aid, like the nicest dude.
I was like, hey, it's okay, man, don't worry about it, bro.
He helped me off, and I just felt so bad. I was like, yeah, it's checking out your hot chick.
I was living in Spain about 10 years ago, and I cut my eye open, and I did it with...
The point of the story is that it's the worst way.
I mean, the worst not-cool way you could do this, because I was reading Cervantes late at night,
and I was rubbing my eye, and my finger, this finger, went into that eye.
And it sliced open my eyeball.
And then I tried to play it off, and like, sleep through the night.
When your eyes cut open, you can't... because there's no blood, but it was like, open air.
And then I'll get past that.
So then I went to the doctor, and they gave me this thick ungwit, right?
And then you have to put that ungwit in there, and it's like the viscosity of Vaseline.
And they gave me this patch, but it looked like my forehead had melted over my eye.
So I went to a costume store, and I got a costume patch, a pirate patch.
And then I was known as El Pirata, or El Viquingo, the pirate of the Viking,
because of the time I dyed my hair.
So I made a lot of friends with that, but for the longest time, you lose your triangulation of vision.
And so you're constantly not pouring things into glasses, bumping into walls.
My pirate's always gone lost.
That's what it was.
Parallax you.
While we're talking bumbling, my story is more bumbling, not nearly as painful.
One time in college, I was brushing my teeth.
And I guess I brushed my teeth really vigorously.
People have told me this in the past, like I really get in there.
And I was really vigorously brushing my teeth one morning, and I'm kind of hunched over the sink, which I always am.
This is how I brush my teeth.
This is how I brush my teeth, literally.
And I'm sitting there brushing my teeth, and the toothbrush slips, pokes me in the eye.
So I poke myself in the eye with my toothbrush, which means not only do I retain and poke myself with the toothbrush in the eye,
but I also get toothpaste in my eye.
And if you ever had toothpaste in your eye, it stings like a motherfucker.
So I poke myself, this is all, I'll do all slow motion, boom, right?
Ow, ow, I do one of these.
I turn around in the bathroom in my door and go, boom, into the wall.
My forehead goes into the post where you hang your towel.
And I stumble out into the hallway.
And there was somebody, like brushing their teeth like 267, who witnessed the entire thing.
And that was it.
And for the rest of the semester I'd gone and be like, if it was the same time, I'd be like, I'll be careful.
Microfactor, fans.
Microfactor, you all people.
All right, let's do it up.
Dad, let me get you a walk.
No, no, no, no, no.
I made my bed, I'm going to sleep in, all right?
Take that pillow and you cry yourself to sleep.
I don't need that kind of comfort, okay?
It's a pillow, it's not like a kraftmatic bed.
I mean, you can take your blue collar antics and just take a five, okay?
You hurt yourself, you had a very serious medical problem.
Blue collar antics.
Blue collar antics.
Here it comes.
I built this household with blue collar antics.
I put bread in your mouth and juice in your glass with blue collar antics.
I get it, Dad.
I bought your wife, God rest her soul, excuse me, my wife.
I bought her the game's victory, I didn't buy it for your wife.
No.
With blue collar antics.
I can't, all right, I apologize, I'm just trying to offer you some assistance.
So if you need the pillow, it's right there.
You know what?
You know what?
I coddled you.
You did not.
Oh, I gave you too much cream and not enough coffee.
You never even, you don't give kids coffee.
Now maybe you should, they'll be more alert that way.
Hey, teeth like a coal liner.
Drinking that, having well-done hamburgers and black coffee for breakfast.
People thought I was a sports writer in the fourth grade.
That's right.
Maybe you should have been.
Accounts payable.
What is that?
Let your numbers, mathematics.
The only thing numbers ever got me was a draft card.
I sent it today.
69.
Well, maybe if you applied yourself in school, you would have got a defer...
Sorry.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Why would I send myself to school?
In school.
You are too busy being the late blooming gracer.
I've seen the pictures.
Didn't make any sense.
What's wrong with that?
All in brand on the last ones for the finest generation.
That was at the end of the mid-ties.
This is 1968.
You're duck tails.
You're caught.
No joke.
Look, you know what?
I said I'm going to come over here and help you out.
There's my team of fridges.
A pillow there if you need it.
You know what Troy?
I do.
I'm going to take a seat.
You take that pillow and you wait till I start nodding off.
And when I do close my eyes, you put that pillow in my face.
I'm not going to originally kill my father.
It's some pick of Greek tragedy.
That's what a higher education gets you.
You try making a reference to Greek tragedy.
You know that Greek tragedy you know is that restaurant you go to eat.
The heroes are terrible.
They give you indigestion.
I am not here for a father's son.
This thing.
Sometimes this thing is all you got.
What does that mean?
Sometimes blue colorantics is all you got.
All right.
Just listen.
I put some salt on the driveway if you see any black ice.
You usually don't see it.
That's why I love black ice.
Look, if you just...
You could do me a kindness with that salt.
All right.
We'll salt this down.
Just beat him up.
No, just bring it in here.
Born in the womb.
That's your basic.
I feel like I should explain what you just walked into.
Yes, please.
See, I thought that you were going to be in class until three.
Right, right.
Well, we had to class off because the professors at that seminar are out of town.
Sure.
You're a good roommate, Simon.
Well, I do try.
I'm fastidious, as you know, Benjamin.
I'm very fastidious.
I like to think it's a two-way street here in Wigglesworth, B-11.
Oh, sure.
Absolutely.
Here's the thing, Simon.
Sometimes I need a little alone time.
You're gross, Benjamin, you're disgusting.
I saw what you were doing, and I know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to call the RA, the resident assistant, the person in charge, the one who will get
you written up as a public masturbator.
Simon, I was in our room.
It wasn't anything public about it.
Well, I wasn't a party to it.
I know what if it's in my room, as far as I'm concerned, it's public.
Do you see me doing that?
No, I don't, Simon, and that's what's a little weird.
Weird?
Weird?
Beating yourself off like you're the bell of the ball?
That's normal, and I live in a life of self-denial and righteousness?
That's weird.
It's not me, ever.
You're heading to Russia.
I will not go down this road.
Simon, come on.
Listen, I am upset enough that I didn't have modern intellectual history this afternoon
because the professor is away at a seminar.
Yeah, that's Mrs. Teasdale, isn't it?
Yes, she is a brilliant mind.
And yes, I go to her office hours.
I don't like her.
You sly little dog.
Yeah, you do.
Come on, come on, her roommates.
You can tell me, Simon.
She makes me feel that way, yeah.
Why is your voice getting something weird and sexy on me?
I said, no, Simon, you seem so repressed.
No, she's very smart and she's young for a full professor.
And you're getting weird.
I'm not getting weird, Simon. You're getting weird.
Admit it. Admit it.
You want a lecture credit?
We are meeting for latkes next Tuesday.
Yeah, you are.
But only to discuss my paper.
But it's just the two of us.
All right, Simon, I'm going to tell you what you do, okay?
First things first, just undo this button.
But she, she'll, what will she think?
She'll think you're your man in front of his wife, but back to Paris.
She was recently divorced.
You know, here's the thing.
There's all this talk and maybe you're right,
but you need to clean up our bedroom and I'm going to the RA.
Public masturbator.
Clean up and think about what you're going to do.
Office hours.
It's not even office hours.
At coffee.
Exactly.
Jesus, son.
But it's the two of us.
Seconds.
But it's just the two of us.
Exactly.
Outside of the strictures on the English department's offices.
That's how every ring one of us starts.
Come on, boys.
I don't even know what to clap or not.
Come on, guys.
Come on.
They're so young.
Yeah.
It's like they're babies, you know, wearing uniforms.
Which one's yours?
That's a big dog over there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's not that big.
Yeah.
There's Adam.
Yeah.
We call him that too.
Who's the CEO?
Who's yours?
Her.
Right there.
Oh, wow.
Died his hair early.
Yeah.
Choice.
Keep it up.
How do you like soccer?
I know.
It's good for the kids.
It teaches hand-eye coordination and all that shit.
They're not supposed to use their hands.
It's goalie camp.
That's okay.
That's all right.
You didn't need it.
You didn't need it, B.D.
Don't apologize.
What's that?
Don't apologize to your kid.
Don't make it all right.
Something goes wrong out there.
It's his fault.
What the fuck are they out there playing?
You can't eat his tripped, all right?
Wasn't his fault?
Yeah.
You know when I teach my boy, when he gets tripped, I teach him to trip back.
You know, it's like Joe Strummer says, when somebody gives you some aggression, you're
twice back in their face.
Horrible lesson to teach a kid, is it?
What's that horrible haircut, Tim, that we're at?
Watch it, pal.
Thanks for watching.
It's all right, man.
I don't even know if they're winning or not.
It's hard to tell.
You should keep a scoreboard.
Where's the scoreboard?
All right.
Let me guess.
Let me guess what you do for a living.
Here we go.
Something in the arts, right?
Like, I don't know, you're a manager at a theater company or something.
What, like a nonprofit?
Huh?
Is that what you do?
Is that what you do with your life?
Like, get docent.
You're a manager at a theater company.
It's a very important job, all right?
Times are tough.
Gotta get while it gets good.
Here we go, B.D.
You even know what a docent is?
I don't know what a docent is.
All right, let me guess what you do.
What?
You run a head shop down on Buxton.
What, my college student?
No.
Get guessing.
You collect welfare checks?
Yes, I do.
But, not officially.
So you're stealing from the government in two ways?
For what?
What, do you have, like, a dead relative that you traipse into the welfare center every day?
No.
No, I know a guy who knows a guy.
Who knows someone dead?
Who's this identity you're assuming?
I don't like that.
Look, pal, all I'm saying is,
you're not doing that kid any favors by apologizing and picking him up when he falls down.
He's gonna learn some time.
I'm sure your parents didn't teach you that.
They're talking that hard work pays off.
You shouldn't, you know, try to make your kids older than they are.
You should let them live their lives as they see fit.
They have a choice. That the world is an honest place.
We have to fight against dishonesty.
That's what they taught me.
You want to watch my son go berserk out there?
Hey, Kurt!
No.
No, don't do that.
Kurt!
I'm very disappointed in you, son.
Oh, God.
BD, run!
It's my BD!
Now, keep going!
Kurt, I don't care if it's the wrong way!
Keep going!
Keep going!
That's the Eye of the Tiger right there.
How was that the Eye of the Tiger?
You just gave your son some code word to go berserk on all the other kids out there.
Yeah, the code word is called trying to appease his old man.
See, when the father is proud no matter what, the kids don't like it anyway.
It wasn't a pacifist that knocked you out right now.
It was a pacifist!
Of course you are.
Docent.
The only way to meet aggression is to stare at the face and smile.
Really?
Yeah.
The only way to meet aggression is to put out a cigarette on its chest.
Ah!
It's just a microphone.
So we put the chair back together and hit it.
No one will know.
It's gonna have the exact value at auction
that it had before you.
It won't have the exact value.
It's a microfracture.
It's not what it was previous to this.
But it was just a microfracture.
I know.
Put it down.
I know Louis the 14th set that chair.
Put it down.
It was the auction.
Yeah.
Leave it.
That's me.
You haven't come to an auction.
You've come to an execution.
How can you give this man?
He's the man who will live.
How can he be here?
The man will live.
The chair is here to die.
Does it look still good, right?
You'd buy this, right?
I've taken many things into my life
that have been without hope.
For example,
oh, Petit Poudre and Little Tom,
whose legs he may crush by a trolley
going by in the second around these months.
Yes, I raised myself up.
I thought we did nothing to those other legs.
That's beautiful.
We need to auction this off.
This chair is less than.
This chair is not the exquisite example it once was.
This chair represents that which is not pure.
Let me ask you a question.
No!
Okay.
This chair was just well done.
You were saying?
Yeah.
Have you ever broken anything?
Yeah.
What?
You had that hangnail?
Yes, I had a hangnail.
Wow!
Say it for a Blankers' War!
Huh?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, I am not to be arched off.
I am not an antique of exquisite.
25 francs!
25 francs!
25 francs!
I mean, 25 francs for that man with that dangnail!
30 francs!
I mean, it's been buffed off.
I mean, it's been...
Hey!
Take it easy!
Imagine!
40 francs!
45 francs!
50 francs!
Throw in the chair and I will give you 60 francs!
Do you realize how really offensive this would be
if I wasn't white?
Who's this, the micro-fraction?
So, I've got Smith reporting for duty.
My draft card.
Hey, how are you?
Good, man.
Sammy.
Hey, how's it going?
Yeah.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Bill Smith.
William Smith.
Hey, Smith!
You give yourself the rank of Sergeant on day one, dickface!
You pride it!
First class!
Hey, what happened?
Smith!
Sounds like a made-up name!
Oh, wait, there's a why in it.
Why?
Because you're probably some slack John Faggot.
They just don't understand this, Bill.
Rock and roll, understand?
That's right, man.
I ride a hog, okay?
And all my friends down at the hog factory call me Sarge.
You gotta earn that name here!
May you typewriter.
What is your story?
I serve as typewriter.
I'm a typewriter.
I'm a typewriter right now.
You can put your game draft card away.
You've already gone through the line.
We've seen your concave chest.
Freak this all out!
We're supposed to go out!
Son, out!
We don't got nicknames.
Back at grad school, but if we did...
I was always hoping mine would be...
Pro-bar.
Pro-bar and the Sarge want some time off.
I'm Pro-bar now.
I got a question for you.
What is it, Smith?
Ah, well, get out of this.
It's a shoot-and-shoot outfit.
You got a one-way ticket to Vietnam!
Yeah, I know where I'm going.
Put your yellow men in for jumpers saying they want to do what they want to do in their country.
We're saying no.
We're bringing apple pie and very cocoa.
The second cigarette I've ever had is awesome.
Yeah.
You know what?
What did Charlie ever do to me?
Nothing.
How do you already know his nickname?
He's given nicknames at the hog factory, right?
I'll give you that.
It's what we call a Chinese-popped people down at the hog factory.
Man, might not be appropriate, but I love the nicknames.
You got a one-way ticket to that, Huey!
Who's that?
It's a helicopter with doors on both sides.
Oh, okay.
I can't know all the nicknames.
Hey, man.
If you eat it, it'll die.
Oh, yeah.
Jesus.
I'll go meet your folks.
Would you?
Yeah.
And if I eat it...
It seems that...
it seems that the president is...
cool.
Oh.
Well, you thought you were speaking.
Hello?
Do you need anything?
I don't know.
We're all right.
Oh, okay.
All right, good.
All right.
What was that?
Well, that was Gerald Beck's story.
He's just checking in on us.
Nice, young man.
I worry about Gerald.
Well, don't worry about Gerald.
He's fine.
He's able-bodied.
He'll be all right.
Now, as I was saying...
You were holding a thong.
That's right.
It seems that the president...
Of what country?
Our country, Ethel, for Christ's sake.
It seems that the president is taking a lot of flack...
for his positions overseas.
Yes.
It seems that the youth today...
don't wish to have any part of...
what's going on.
Oh, nor do they care for shirts.
That's why I am so proud of our son.
He's serving.
He is serving.
The telephone!
All right.
Hold on a second.
These are the residents.
It's Gerald.
Oh, Gerald, how are you?
Well, I'm going to walk next door.
Why don't you read me a thing?
Is it Gerald from across the street?
Yes, it is Gerald.
Yes, it's me Gerald from across the street.
Would you like to speak a little bit?
Certainly.
Fine, fine, woman.
Hold on.
Gerald won't speak to you.
It's Gerald from across the street.
Gerald's hello.
It's Lydia.
Hello.
Yes.
Do you need anything?
No, we're fine.
We're worried about you, Gerald.
Oh, don't worry about me.
You know, I've got my stories.
Well, man cannot live on stories alone.
I try to...
I see those frozen food you eat.
You're not a master.
You're a man.
Oh, but I wanted to be.
Oh, but I wanted to be.
But that's neither here nor there.
All right.
Okay.
Don't cry into my food to warm it up.
Well, that's more information than uncomfortable way.
Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet.
I don't see anything.
This is a telephone.
They didn't get off the phone for great sake.
All right.
Bye.
As I was saying.
Yes, Andrew.
I'm proud of our son.
Well, I am too.
I just don't want to dwell on ill thoughts.
I don't know.
In fact, it seems every time someone knocks on the door
or the phone rings, it might be bad news,
but most of the time it turns out everything's fine.
Yes.
The side don't.
I hope it's someone selling Tom Collins's.
Mr. and Mrs. Glick.
Good.
I come with news.
All right.
From what section of the paper?
Near the obituaries, but more the memorial section.
All right.
The local legionnaires post.
Yes.
He's collecting money for a memorial to be built.
For?
What's happening?
Hold that thought.
Hello.
It's Gerald again.
Gerald.
Is it Gerald?
It is Gerald.
My name is Gerald.
I've already dealt with Gerald.
There's a man coming up your driveway.
Gerald, Gerald, Gerald.
All right, boys, boys, get in here.
Okay, this is his half time.
Okay.
That team is ruthless.
Yeah.
We need to fucking get them hard.
You understand me, kids?
Well, you said the F word.
Don't you fucking went bottoming.
Seriously, okay?
Coach.
Coach.
Coach, I don't like white soccer anymore.
What are you talking about, BD?
BD.
It's just what the fuck?
BD.
It's just the F words.
This isn't fun?
Yeah.
This is why you signed up?
No.
It's fun?
I signed up to get some exercise and learn some hand-eye sports.
Anything other than us?
Faster.
We're not supposed to use our hands unless you're goalie.
Thank you.
That's your fucking problem.
Coach.
Don't coach me.
Guys, do we want to win this?
No.
What?
What?
Are we still using oranges?
No.
No.
Look, can we just get together for a second and just toss out the fucking baggage?
We are together.
You're tossing out all kinds of baggage.
F-pums and everything.
Yeah.
What happened?
How were you brought up?
This is suddenly so important to me.
Yeah.
Coach, you know that kids who play soccer doesn't know it's the last bastion of the non-athlete.
All the really good athletes play baseball or football or basketball.
Oh, really?
Oh, really?
You don't like all that thinking?
Bullshit.
Hey.
Don't you fucking hate me.
Guys, come on.
They're making fun of us.
They're mocking us.
My wife is in the states.
Okay.
Where?
The Pepperdine sweatshirt is looking really upset right now because we're fucking losing.
That's why.
Never in a billion years would I suspect she'd marry you.
Yeah.
What do you mean by that?
You're way below our station.
She looks like a calendar lady.
Yeah.
Like one of the ladies above the numbers in a calendar.
Yeah.
Maybe she's upset because you keep dropping so many albums and you're not dropping the
album.
What's the album?
What the fuck is the album?
At least like.
Like?
At least.
No.
I'm not going to listen to you three turds.
Tell me how to fucking drop.
Hey, she's talking to another guy.
I got her the much stronger jaw line than yours.
I'm not meant to suck in Paris, but we went to desert hot springs.
We didn't even stay at a resort.
We stayed at a motel six because he had a triple A coupon.
Yeah.
You might as well sit down and get real tired.
All right, kids.
You fucking go out there and you win that game for me.
Okay?
Anyway, the game is going to turn her attention away from that guy.
Oh, really?
No.
You guys don't know.
What is that tattoo?
Uh, it means Lake Titicum.
Okay, just take my fucking whistle.
Take my whistle.
I am going.
Okay?
You guys can win that game or I'm gone.
So we better get rid of you if we just go or fall.
That was a fucking stupid thing to say.
Thank you.
What?
