You
You
Hi Ben
Clarissa. Yes. Hi. Nice to meet you. You too. Oh, thank you
Welcome to novel. Thank you
Special today is salmon and vegetable. I'll have a lobster salad. Lobster salad, great choice
I'll have the salmon and vegetables. Salmon and vegetables. Medium rare. Medium rare. And another Scotch, please. The Scotch's coming right up. Thank you
Scotch? You strike me as a vodka man
It's me
You weren't nervous, are you?
No, you. A little bit. I
What do you do for a living?
I'm a writer. You? I'm a social worker. I moonlight as a behavioral therapist and I perform singing telegrams for children's events
Hello
No, I can't
A date, remember?
Right now?
Okay, I'll be too. Bye. My best friend. Wow
I'm sorry. Oh, no, no, no, no problem. I just I can't believe you like Victoria Spivey
Well, don't tell me. My roommate in college played the Spivey sisters to death. Well, that's impressive
Yeah, now I know someone other than Craig who has the same taste in music
Interesting, but now I'm curious
What else do you like?
Well, let's see
I
I'm sorry, it's okay. No, I shouldn't have stayed over. Oh god. I gotta go. No, it's fine
We must have fallen asleep while watching the movie. Do you want some breakfast or anything? Oh
Yeah, sure. Okay, come in the kitchen
Wow, oh
You know, I just realized my stomach just acts up in the morning. So oh, yeah, it's
It's
Bad really bad. I'm just you know, my doctor gave me a special oatmeal. So I'm just gonna go home and eat that
Okay. Oh, no, no, you just you know say and just enjoy your Sunday
So I'm just gonna go get that oatmeal my sister feel better
There goes another one
What's up, dude, brother from another mother. What's up? Hey, uh, hey, bro
Is it kind of like a little weird to be
Kind of sort of but not really attracted to a woman that kind of sort of but not really looks like a man
Watch a million-dollar baby again. I
Love Hilary Swank. She's my soulmate
So how'd it go? Oh, man, everything was
Perfect, I mean she was smoking hot. She walked in I was like whoa, okay. Oh
What do you mean? Oh
This is the same thing you said about the last one. Okay, and the one before that the one before that
Well, yeah, she has
Had stark potential. I mean we had this like
definite connection, you know and
And
Everything was going great until this morning. Oh
I get I got it. Don't let in the pencil for round two as a man. I understand. Oh, no, it happens
No, no, nothing happened. Okay. We fell asleep watching the movie. Okay, so
She's hairy
She's got hairy knuckles and toes. Oh, whoa, wait, wait, but didn't you peep all that before you guys left the rush mark?
I must have been the Scotch. I you better stop drinking. I mean
when she walked in I was
Mesmerized, you know and I got distracted by the waiter and then next thing you know her phone's playing sweet peas. What?
OMG
My sweet peas pivy yours truly. I
Mean this girl is different man. I mean not once did she ask me what kind of car I drive or or how much money I make
Let me see. I have to see you. Let me see
Whoa
Dude, if she is as hot as this picture, you need to find a way to get her to shave pluck wax
They have Nair. Have you ever heard of Nair? Yes. Okay, dude, whatever you got to do. Wow. You serious?
I'm glad you called wasn't so sure you would we'll see why not. I think we hit it off pretty well
Yeah, you know I come here all the time
Hey, so how's it going?
Phil yeah, welcome to happy nails
Can I help you with anything today? Yeah. Yeah, can I get a manicure pedicure and wax please wax?
Okay, a manning a petty, but no waxing no manning petty and wax
Okay, look we have a buy one get one free. It's a maxi care. No, I just just for the lady
Oh, come on. It'll be fun
No, no, you just go on ahead. I'll wait here. No, I'm not getting one. Let's you do. No, she's not getting one unless you do
All right, so let's do it. Come on. Let's go. All right
All right
There you go. All right, let's go
What happened you fell asleep?
Oh
No, no, no, no, no, Julie, don't do that Julie Julie
Julie please listen put the cheesecake down. Okay, you don't need it. Please alright look remember when you asked me
What the dunk a dunk man, and I told you and you cried for three days. Yeah, we don't need that
Okay, there's no way your third graders should be calling you Kristi alley. Come on. Just oh
Hey, put the DVD in that I got you and give me 10 minutes. That's all I asked 10 minutes. You can do it girlfriend. All right, okay
What's up, bro, just uh, you know get my buff on one of my clients, you know
Oh, they didn't shave the hair. What they did
Okay, hold on. Okay. Who gives someone a manicure?
Okay, and leave the knuckles all hairy. I like where do they do that at? I
mean
There is
There is more to this horrible horrible horrible day. Okay, I really don't know how much worse it could get
Wait, I mean you should have been there dude. Okay, cuz
We spent we spent the rest of the day over like this list listen
We spent the rest of the day shopping for a new pair of sandals
Huh sandals, okay? We went to four
Goddamn stores, and I had to try like with her like several different sandals, and I had to she was like put them on for me
And I had to like touch okay the hair on her feet. I'm gonna like hobbit feet, okay?
I'm gonna need like those Bilbo Baggins. I'm gonna need that back. What?
Your man card. What the hell is the matter with you? Okay?
You're running around with shiny shit on your fingertips, okay?
And shiny shit on your toes, and you want shopping. Hey come in
So, um, let me see your hands
Um, you know this really pisses me off. Um, you know you pay for pay money for a service and and the next day your nails are just
Go get your nail kit. Is there something on your mind? You know you can talk to me. I'm a big girl
No, just just go get your nail kit
Okay, okay
All right cool. All right, let's start with your feet
Okay, so
I've been having a great time
Yeah, yeah, me too. Um, do you have any scissors? Not at home. Oh, do you want to listen to some music?
Sure, yeah
She's one of the greats. I can't believe this. I know it's great, isn't it?
Oh
Oh god, yeah, yeah, it's so great. You don't have to do that. You don't have to do the face roll. It's really okay. You don't have to do the face roll, okay?
Oh
Hey
I haven't gotten a call back so I assume you don't want to hang out anymore. I won't be calling you again
Tess you're Ben, right? Yeah. Hi. Hi. Have a seat. Thanks
Sorry, I'm late. There was heavy traffic on the 210 which is strange because usually it's the quickest way to get here
Oh, you've been here before?
I've been here before. Name my ass times. What up, Tess? Let's chill in.
Uh, so what kind of music do you like?
Give me a sec. Yeah, no, I need next week off because Coachella's going down
Idiots
Yeah, my name is Burner. I'll be your waiter. Oh my gosh, how are you?
Good you look so good so
You know what I would love is a drink
Oh, sorry, it's cool. I'll have you doers. Yeah
Yeah, I like your style. Thanks. I do
So later than well
Yeah, yeah, be great, bro. Great. Thanks
Yeah, nice guy. Very nice. I love him
What's so funny? Your hair. What about it? I just washed it this morning. When are you going to look like a professional?
Are you serious? I mean, yeah, I didn't want to say anything because we just met each other
But I don't date sloppy men and your hair is just a couple inches away from being well
sloppy
You're joking, right?
You want to be taken seriously you need to cut your hair
Listen, I am done dating for a while. Okay, so what if I'm 35 or I'm 40 when I get married
All right, if I want to find Mrs. Right, she's gonna have to find me. Okay, slow down. Okay now
I thought you and test was cool, man. No, she was supposed to hook me up with one of my home girls
No, no, no, I'm sorry, bro, but it's over. Okay. Guess what she says to me. Thanks. What what's she say? Okay?
She said if the relationship was to progress, I'd have to cut my hair
No way you love your hair and she goes on to say that if I'm going to be a professional
I have to look like one like hello. Excuse me. Didn't we just sell our first pilot? You know what I'm saying? Yeah
About to blow up right? I mean, how can she be so shallow?
Well, I mean, I'm done. It's over our relationships are just
Overrated, you know, yeah overrated totally done. I mean, you know shame on her, you know shame on her
For having such a silly hang up as as hair. I mean
Um, it's just hair, right? Who is it?
Oh
Five minutes
Listen, I just came here to apologize. Okay. Okay. I mean what I did was wrong. It was it was lame and yeah, and
What's with the a-pad by the way? I
Perform singing telegrams for children's events, right? Um
so listen
It's been a while since I've gotten close to someone and what are you getting at?
The reason why I broke things off with you
You know my problem is I
Want the perfect person and here it's 2011 and I'm acting like it's 89 and you mean it's your body
You can do whatever you want with it
Are you sure you can accept me for who I am I'm sure
It was a test and you failed flying colors Wow a girl's gotta protect herself
But I should have given you a clean slate before giving you the test
What are you doing? I'm in the mood for some blues
Maybe I overdid it a little does that mean I get a second chance
Maybe
But let's just start off as friends
I guess I deserve that
Really found it. Okay, Michelle Obama
I
Can't wait either so what are you doing after this?
I'm free after that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, then let's you know hook up. Let's do something
In the meantime, can I get you know, can we get a drink maybe sounds like the drink for you?
I mean, you know despite all that, I mean the pedicure is actually pretty nice. Yeah, I'm serious
Wow, wow, that's what I'm saying. It's great
Hey, what are you doing here? Yeah
Five
Yeah, so you did you think what's we need? Yeah, I will make us dinner. Okay, and they did
Oh, okay, so it's great
Oh
