It's a crisis in Athens, Georgia
An octopus is on the loose
And it's eating people's faces
A local hospital saw
Six medically necessary cases
Of facial reconstruction in the last month
Oh, who can save us?
My name is Austin Simmons
And I am an octopus wrangler
I'm here at the University of Georgia
Because there have been a number of reports of a rogue octopus
Terrorizing the faculty and students here
And of course, as an octopus wrangler
It's my job to catch that octopus, to wrangle it
I have to tell you, it's the most boring thing I've ever done in my life
Honestly, I have to go to every class
And it's a complete waste of my time
You know how many facts there are about geese?
Six
That's not enough
No, and a better director would put in more effort
But it's out of my control, you know
It's almost like my life is a carefully constructed drama
With unseen forces guiding my every move toward a foregone conclusion
And I am but an actor who mocks the very life he is living
Well, I've got to get to class
Today we're learning fact number four about guinea fowl
You know I don't want to miss that
Oh, Jacques
The only hour is as good as you wanted me to be
Oh, that's my phone
Oh, it's my post source, I've got to take this
Hello?
Confirm sighting? Where?
Alright, I'm on my way
Let's roll
There it is, there it is, look
What a magnificent animal, you know
The octopus truly is nature's magnum opus
And she waxes poetic as she breathes life into its carefully crafted form
Raw power rippling beneath the surface of a gentle exterior
Virulent harbinger of faceless terror
And yet the first muse of art and the paragon of evolution
Superior, transcendent, fantasmagorical
The octopus are gods among mollusks
Shock, awe, America
Alright, now in order to capture this beautiful animal and subdue it forever
I'm going to need to get it out from behind, so
Follow me around here as we...
Hey, what are you doing?
Ma'am, step away from the octopus, your face is in danger
Ma'am, are you even listening to me?
Hey
What is character?
Why must this word, this ever-present word
Metamorphose so drastically when preceded by a simple article
A character
And must character be so intrinsically bound to the body?
These tracks have character
The city acts as a character in my life
And who can say that I'm not one in hers?
This is a character
Jean-Paul Sartre once told me that my existence precedes my essence
But does it truly?
I am because of my choices
But my choices are made possible because I am
Then again, what is choice but a function of our pre-constructed cognition?
We are all merely meat computers
As the French say, voulez-vous coucher avec moi, c'est soi
Well, hello there
You're a handsome young boy
Just care for one of my mixed nuts?
You know, I'm such a strapping young lad
You remind me a lot of my granddaughter, Marcy
Must be the high cheekbones
Now, she doesn't really have anything to do with you
Now, does she?
More?
I got a joke for you
Why did the pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because the buckles were on their hash!
The old man has weak character
I can assure you, these negotiations will be short
This is the address
The door should be unlocked
We'll be using the target's own weapon, located inside the house
He should be easy to dispatch
As for pay
This is in advance
You'll receive a full can once you've completed the hit
No life is worth two cans
Humanity is devoid of character
For a race that puts so much stock in its creation
They remain intellectually blind to its true meaning
The ability to speak does not make you intelligent
Likewise, the ability to define character
Does not bestow it upon its definer
Ah, the sea, once it throws its sun, it tries to immerse itself in its filet forever
Last month, a local hospital has seen six medically necessary facial reconstructions
And it's reasonable to deduce that those people were attacked by rogue octopi
Who are running around as they please
Octopi?
What is that? That's not a word
Yes, it is
It's the plural of octopus
No, no
Octopuses
Octopoans, if you prefer the Greek, but not octopi
These octopi are running around as they please while you sit here and whine about how to say a word
We need to focus on creating a plan to catch the flesh-eating monster
That's terrorizing the city before everyone has to be fitted for a plastic base
This is serious
Are you even listening to me right now?
What?
Every time you say octopi, I just zone out for a few seconds
Listen to yourself
You're crazy
Innocent civilians are suffering in the arms of these creatures
Well, stuff like this happens
And I'm beginning to understand how they feel just trying to put up with your obnoxious personality
What? Okay, listen
First of all, the only monsters here in Athens are those geese that attack children at the park
The third fact about geese is that they're total assholes
And second of all, I have a great personality
And I could probably get more pushed than you any day of the week
Oh, really?
Really
Okay, Walton, let's make this interesting
I bet you one whole American dollar that I can wrangle an octopus before you can
Are you sure? It's a lot of money
That's one whole dry cycle at the laundromat
I am aware of snakes
All right then
Let's do this
The key to octopus wrangling is patience
Octopuses are small
They wait for their prey
And I'm of the opinion that to catch an octopus, you have to think like an octopus
So we're going to do the same
We must become one with phylum Maluska
This is it
We're just going to sit here and wait
All right, look, Miss Federally licensed
I'm a professional too
And in a sprawling multiverse governed by quantum probabilities
It stands to reason that at some point through the infinities of potential space times
An octopus is going to find its way into old reliable here
So I might as well play the odds
What are the odds you stop being crazy if I slap you across the face?
Okay, look, I'm also using another totally legitimate method to capture an octopus
Now everybody knows that octopuses like the taste of these mixed nuts
Almost as much as they like the taste of human flesh, right?
Sure
Yeah, everybody knows that
So I've set up a bunch of these nut traps around Athens
And I have a secret source
Who's going to give me a call as soon as we have a confirmed capture?
A secret source? Really? Who is it?
I'm afraid that's confidential information
People are in danger, Austin
Here we go
The Athens-Clarke County balance is growing uglier by the second
And you're just sitting here waving a net around
We should be taking concrete steps towards catching an octopus
All right, you know what?
We've got a while before my nut traps do their work
So I'll humor you
But tell me, honestly, what could possibly be better than all this?
Yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Literally anything would be better than this
The key to octopus wrangling is proactivity
You have to be innovative and quick on your feet
And you definitely can't wait for one to fall out of the sky
I have taken out a classified ad in the local paper
That is sure to catch us at least one octopus
What? Give me that
I'm talking about lonely, lonely girls seeking a sexy cephalopod companion
This is your plan?
Yeah, I mean, it's better than waiting for a mystery man to call and tell us what to do
Aren't you supposed to be like a professional?
Don't you know everything about octopuses?
I do
Octopuses are smart, they're cultured
They read the paper for the arts and leisure section
Not the classified
You're not going to catch one with this ad
Oh, really? Then what's that?
Jumping Jeff Corwin
Look at the size of that hideous monster
You owe me a dollar
Look at the size of this baby
These are the results you get with a tree professional
What?
Oh man, this is a squid
What?
Yeah, this is an octopus, this is a squid
Look, look
See these flaps, this pointy body
Look at these big soulful eyes
This is a squid, squid don't attack people, they're hopeless pushovers
I can't believe this
I've never made a mistake like this before
Yeah, this thing wouldn't eat my face if I handed it to it on a silver platter
Watch, I'll prove it to you
Look, see, your method is a failure
And now I'm starting to look like the cool one around here
Well, at least I'm doing something
Your method is to sit around and wait for an octopus to fall into your lap
This isn't a movie, Austin
Things don't just happen to move the plot along
No one, not even your secret source is going to call you out of the blue
And tell you where to find an octopus
Because real life doesn't work like that
Hold on, I'm getting a call
Hello?
What, really? There's an octopus at Swanson Field?
I'm on my way
Let's roll
Look, there it is
See it?
You know, if I'm correct, that's an Appalachian grape
It shouldn't be this far south this time of year
No wonder it's rampaging across the campus
Alright
I was the one who found this noble creature
So I think I should be the one to wrangle it
You didn't find it
You got lucky
Either way, I have dibs
You owe me a dollar
Alright, let's watch a master report
Let's watch a master report
No, it's so powerful
No, no
My face
No, save yourself
Relax
What was that? I had it
No, you didn't
You'd be dead right now if it wasn't for me
You took my octopus, you broke the Wrangler's Code
What? There's no Wrangler's Code
And if there was, you wouldn't have to follow it
Because you're not a real octopus wrangler
I'm not a real octopus wrangler
You've never even wrangled an octopus
And you would have never seen one if it wasn't for some mystery man
Calling you and telling you where to find them
That is a legitimate
Face it, Austin
I am an octopus wrangler
And you are not
Cough it up
Fine
It just took away
200's of 1% of my tuition this semester
I hope you're happy
Come
Can I live with what I'm about to do?
Who is to say it is even wrong?
These poor souls?
Or these?
Even if they were satisfied with their actions
They can be no longer
Mesa thinks death is the only morality
For it is the only universal sentence
The Blue Ringed Octopus
The Blue Ringed Octopus is one of the most deadly mollusks in all of nature
Gombily found off the coast of Australia
And in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains
Its venom contains a neurotoxin so deadly
That it can cause paralysis, asphyxiation
And after a couple of minutes
A cardiac arrest
Why?
Why, there's one right now
And the key to wrangling one of these beautiful creatures
Is to grab it by the
Urban bed
Cold paramedics
This is why these beautiful creatures are so often used
In assassinations
Because the venom
Is so
Chad
Chad
Someone call 9-1-1
The Blue Ringed Octopus
Mara, is that you?
Oh, it's just a handsome boy from the street
How are you son?
What are you doing out there?
That's a dangerous weapon
You wouldn't want to hurt an old man like me now would you?
Please
My name is Jerry Hinks
I'm a simple man but
I've taken enough trips around the sun
To know that a man's life isn't something you just hold in the palm of your hand
Are you really going to kill me?
Some say the night swallows men whole
But I have felt its warmth
As it takes me into its dark arms
Shielding me from the ignorance of the populace
Humanity is fickle
Fleeting
People change on a whim
Forever denying that which is essential to their existence
Perhaps the true character in the world lies in the forms of nature
Stoic
Unyielding
Constant
Much like myself
Together we are fated to look on
As time eats man alive
Really? 15? Wow
Alright well, yeah thank you
Okay, bye bye
I
Hey
Hi
I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier
I was just upset by your staggering incompetence
I've just never worked with somebody who was so bad at their job that they
Actively got worse in front of my eyes
It's astounding to me actually
That you could fail so completely to the point of death
Yet still pursue your fruitless struggle that I
Okay Melanie, come on, that's not an apology
Come on
When I was little
My great aunt once removed on my mother's side
Told me I would never amount to anything
What?
I
I don't know why I said that
I felt
Almost compelled to reveal a hurtful moment from my past
As if it would somehow
Expand my depth as a person and change your perception of my character
Anyway
I recognize that
Without you and your ridiculous method
We wouldn't have been able to find the octopus
So
I guess I have to give you some credit
Well thanks Melody
That means a lot
Or at least some
But
I've been doing some research
You know how you said there were six cases of
Facial reconstruction at the hospital last month
Yeah
Well
I just got off the phone with a local plastic surgeon
Who's reporting 15 more
In the last six weeks
Now
An Appalachian grape couldn't do that kind of damage on its own
They're a powerful but docile species
Which means
There's another octopus
Precisely
Now
I've got
A plan
To catch this octopus
And
It's a long shot
But I think
If you're okay with the method then
Hold on
I'm gonna call
Oh
It's my man
Put him on speaker
I wanna know who he is
It's me
You're on speaker
Hello
This is President Barack Obama
I'm calling to let you know that Michelle and I
Have talked it over and
I've decided that I can no longer be your source
What?
They gotta say monitors are every move for me
So let's face it
Your track record is pretty bad
What?
I've got more Nobel prizes than you have confirmed captures
Your girlfriend here has caught the last two octopi
Octopuses
I'll say what I wanna say
Alright
The last two octopi
That I've sent you after
You have proven to be
Almost as inefficient
As our Republican Congress
And even Vice President Joe Biden
Agrees that it's a waste of the American taxpayers' money
To continue our little
Arrangement
I'm sorry to tell you like this
Well, I'm the President of the United States
And I can talk to you however I want
That's true
Anyway, I wish you all the best
Goodbye
No Joe, you can't talk to him
That's a shame
It's a darn shame
Crying shame
It's a right shame
Terrible shame
Alright, you know what
I'm not gonna lie
This is a shame
But we've come too far
To let some nobody on the other end of the phone
Tell us that we can't pursue our dreams
Now, I still have my nut traps
Gathered around happens
And I think it's a long shot
But I also think
It's the best chance we have
To capture this octopus
And save this city
Let's roll
Oh, you see that?
Here, let's take a look
It's empty
It's empty
The octopus must have been here
It definitely has
Check these out
Wow
Look at these nuts
I bet this trail will take us right to it
I bet
It's all
Salty
Like the sea
Yeah
Melody
What?
What are you doing?
No matter what happens next
I want you to know
That I think you're
Moderately cool
Oh goodness
I thought you were about to hit on me
What? No, no
I've barely known you long enough
To even form an opinion about you
Let alone decide who I'm attracted to
Well, I'm glad you're not
As shallow as I thought you were at first
Worst?
Like a guy from a romantic comedy
Okay, but those guys are chums
Well, you know
My respect for you is too great
For that soul of vulgarity
Now, let's get that puss
Okay
See that?
Oh, wow
That's a large nut
There are less bits
There's not enough stuff there
The base
Not that much
Not that much
Sweet Steve Irwin
Look at the size of that thing
I've never seen anything like it
That has to be the octopus
That's eating people's faces off
You know
One of the joys of octopus wrangling
Is the discovery that
Nature is an artist
And from her mind spring
Countless wonders beyond our wildest fancy
I mean, just look at her master stroke
A gorgeous octopode
Whose eight strapping arms meet out
The faceless destiny of man
Such unbridled power
Is ours to tame
If only for one fleeting moment
Of Neptune's bliss
Okay, Austin
It was your trap that led us here
So as much as I hesitate to say it
You should be the one who catches that octopus
No
No?
No, I can't do it
What do you mean?
What about the Wrangler's code?
Isn't this what you want?
The Wrangler's code is fake
It is?
Yeah
I made it up to make you feel bad
About being better than me
I'm sorry, Melody
I forgive you
In the grand scheme of things
Your lie was inconsequential
And I never believed it
We can let it slide
Like, water off of a duck's back
How did you know water slides off a duck's back?
Seriously?
It's an idiomatic expression
Everybody knows that
Well, if everybody knows it
Why am I paying to learn it?
You know what?
Forget it
Let's wrangle this octopus together
Okay
Three, two, one
No!
No!
Stop!
Suck it up!
Who can say why I took the octopus?
The boy's life meant nothing to me
No life does outside my own
Was it revenge?
Retribution?
I do not believe so
For I hold myself above such petty action
When a man dies
Does his character die with him?
Or does it live on
Like the legacy of my close friend
Abraham Lincoln
In truth
Man and his character are not only destroyed
They are entirely separate in their existence
Any symbiosis is purely temporary
For one is flesh and the other spirit
Always two there are
No more, no less
But what if the flesh
Is to exercise the spirit
And forge a new identity as flesh
Unbound by the shackles of pretense
And what then of the spirit?
I choose to be unbound
I've accomplished everything I needed to during my time here
I single-handedly caught two octopi
Saw a third being carried away
By what I can only assume was Satan himself
And saved a lot of people the anguish of face removal
And I've got to hand it to Austin
He was not a total failure like I originally thought
When it came down to it, he was willing to humble himself
For the good of the people
Which is all you can ask for in an octopus wrangler
You know, I've learned a lot from this experience
I learned that I'm the best
Not just because of my superior ragging methods
But because of my willingness to work with others
We, mostly me, saved the lives of countless Athenians
On top of the 59,239 faculty and students
At the University of Georgia
I guess I've got to hand it to Melody too though
You know, behind every successful man
Stands a strong female character
And without her, I don't think I would have been able
To achieve this level of success
Jacques Cousteau would be proud
And so then I said, I'm not pregnant
Hi, man
Good stuff
Well, Austin, it's time for me to go
Why?
I don't know
It's almost like I'm a character
And this chapter of my life has come to an end
With an omniscient narrator
Guiding me towards a future that I cannot change
Only accept
All the world's a stage
And all the men and women, merely players
This is my destiny, and I must embrace it
Well, as you like it
We're up here, Austin
Before I go, I want to give you something
What? I can't accept that, Melody
Yeah
No, I can't
Why not?
Think of all the things you could partially pay for
With this dollar
Look, I don't want money to come between us
After all we've been through, after we finally get along
You know, besides, it's literally just a dollar
I'd give it maybe six months before
Hyperinflation sets in and it's completely worthless
Well, when you put it like that
The bonds of our admittedly tenuous friendship
Should be stronger than the invisible hand of capitalism
Yeah, exactly
Yeah, so
Well, like these ashes
I must go wherever the wind may take me
To wrangle my next octopus
As long as you don't go to Georgia Tech
You're not going to wrangle any pus there
All right
Before I go, we have to do the traditional grandmaster handshake
Of the secret Wrangler's Guild
As the French say
C'est si ne pas un petit
Bye
Bye
You know, it's moments like this
When the excitement has died down and I'm alone with my thoughts
And I realize I hate poultry science
I mean, seriously
Why would I want to just be in there
Cooped up, learning about chickens
When I could be out here
Wrangling, magnificent octopuses
You know, I think that my time would be better spent fighting
Oh
The war has begun
So steal your nerves and swallow your guts
And follow the signs
And, of course, by signs
I mean, mixed nuts
Never give in to the mass hysteria
And always protect your craniofacial area
But threats are legitimate
We're still singing about it
After the movie ended
We have a vigilant
If you value your face
Your face value would be extended
We didn't have the budget to hire a professional band
But don't let it stop you
From counting on eight arms
Three hearts
One truth
Woo, we'll have to fix that in post
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for wasting the last 40 minutes of your life with us
I'd like to introduce you to the team that's made it all possible
On the drums, we have Austin Simmons
Rounding out the rhythm section on the bass, it's Austin Simmons
Shredding on that lead guitar, we've got Druva John Hala
You might think it's Austin Simmons, but you would be wrong
Unfortunately, on backup vocals, we have Austin Simmons
And I'm your host
The man, the myth, the legend, Austin Simmons
Exercise diligence
Don't be a high or a malice Philistine
Medieval villages
I'm trapped inside this complicated rhyme scheme
That doesn't make sense
You might think there's no way out
But the credits are over
So turn it off and get a life on us
Eight arms, three hearts, one truth
Sound Creators
