where the fuck are these people principal creed
oh he's up Deborah it's a school it's not a church
you can swear and drink as much as you like as long as there are no students or parents around
can you even imagine how much more awesome it would be to work at a school if there were no
students or parents to deal with i happen to like the kids and i don't mind the parents
oh to be young and naive again i bet you got into teaching to change hearts and minds too right
am i right give it time senora Deborah you'll learn to tolerate the kids and hate the parents
you'll discover the only reason to be a teacher is tenure and summers and you'll soon realize that
no matter how hard you try people don't change i told you to go right right i went left twice
same goddamn difference no no it's two wrongs that make a right not two lefts you brought us back
home hello i'm acting principal formerly the vice principal michelle creed creed with two ease not
three and i am miss devra barnes i'm aiden's kindergarten teacher you must be mr jim you can
call me jim and i'm win but everyone calls me gabby for short oh hi gabby i don't like to shake hands
gabriel jameson it's almost 3 30 what do you say we get started take a tiny chair
well i just want to apologize for being late we got so turned around on our way over here even
ways told us to go fuck ourselves yeah last time we let the woman drive huh it's your child's school
did you really need directions excuse me christopher columbus but when i've never been somewhere
before i like to know where i'm going i mean we're halfway through the school year surely you've
been here before oh how does even get to school every day uber school starts early okay i think
we all know you know i can't function before my morning vodka can't function after my morning
vodka yeah i can't relate well obviously we've brought you in here for a reason take it away
dibs well uh jim gabby how do i put this your son is special i'm gonna stop you right there
we know our little boys a little different from the rest of the riffraff you got walking around
here yeah and i don't want to be politically incorrect and say you know not right in the head
but we've seen these other kids and most of them are just like you know like retarded as fuck yeah
so so hey listen we get it if you want our boy to skip ahead to first second hell even third grade
we wouldn't just be okay with that we'd be okay with that we'd be all right with that okay well
actually that is not the reason we have called you here today not even close no um you see adan
has been exhibiting some disturbing behavior lately define disturbing yeah like literally
define it because he is literate he has a vocabulary of a six-year-old so just okay well uh your your
son jim has been acting out with violent episodes and very questionable behavior in fact there are
a lot of people at this school who don't feel comfortable nor safe with him in the classroom
is this about the graffiti yeah we talked to him about that yeah we told him that all writing
should be kept on paper yeah or bathroom stalls if you want to vent a little bit about a girl
who doesn't want to touch your peepee or internet message boards where you can make racist complaints
you know you know what guys it actually wasn't the writing on the wall which disturbed me so much
as it was how clearly he spelled out the word red rum oh you know what that that actually makes
sense because we just rewatched the shining recently yeah okay you let him watch the shining
oh yeah yeah it was family movie night yeah if adan had his way we would have watched side
again he loved the first seven you let your child watch torture porn it's not like we let him
watch actual porn but there was a one time yeah but to be fair he wanted to know how babies were
made so so you put on an x-rated movie for him whoa hey there pope francis it's not like we invite
the government in to raid our home movies yeah it's your family movies yeah i mean what better
way to show him how babies are made than to show him how babies are made
wow i don't know what you're doing i like it that's so fucked up well next on the docket
your son adan has come to school on several occasions disoriented unsteady and belligerent
you mean drunk yeah you're aware how do you his parents let that happen you know how when we're
kids and you're huffing paint and your parents catch you and then they grab a can of paint they
take off the top and they make you huff the entire can until your tum tum gets sick and then you
you don't want to do it again never heard of it well it look we caught adan sipping on some of
mommy's happy juice yeah we made him drink the entire bottle how did we know he was gonna love
the things that damn much now he won't drink anything else no and it's definitely not capri
son and a little juice box it is no you can practically let his breath on fire are you saying
your five-year-old child has a drinking problem oh god no no no no no no no he is a functioning
alcoholic yeah okay jim gabby we teachers are under so much stress as it is i mean can you even begin
to imagine how much more pressure this kind of stuff puts on us my wife was diagnosed with
an imagination disorder don't ask her to imagine anything please she's medically incapable
are we are we done here because honestly i don't really hear anything that's like cause for alarm
or anything so no cause for alarm are you serious is she serious are you and i is this hey buddy
hey buddy are you serious look listen i'm done with a lot of ignorant parents in my day but this
really may take the case hell your son adan has been quite overly physically aggressive lately
well boys will be boys am i right he put someone in the hospital yeah well what the other boy do
to start it it was the former principal and all she did was ask adan to stop running in the halls
well look at this silver lining acting principal creed you can thank our son for your little promotion
you know just like uh trump thanked hillary you know that never happened oh it did it happened it
it happened you're welcome look sir ma'am people always say they wish they could go back in time
to when hitler was a baby so they could smother that infant and prevent all the lost lives that
would follow this may very well be my chance our chance don't worry i'm not gonna touch you
to change the course of history excuse me am i hearing you correctly are you threatening to
murder my boy because adan's middle name may in fact be adolf but he's no god damn hitler
your son is evil incarnate and left unchecked he could be worse whoa wait hey hey hey no one
is murdering anyone we just want to help your son this physicality that adan has been demonstrating
it must be coming from somewhere now don't want to be insensitive or speak out of turn but is there
any chance that he has been witnessing any domestic unrest gabby are you suggesting are you suggesting
that i strike my wife i am so sorry sir but i'm trying to get to the bottom of this if anyone in
my family was going to be hit you can bet your he's all your fucking fall you big piece of shit
of first son god damn try him out everyone i don't think the two of you realize the effect
your actions at home have on your son adan's behavior it is a cry for help oh yeah it is
he needs something that the two of you aren't currently providing him with oh come on dr phil
not our adan that little fuckface just wants to be locked in his room with his halo of video games
and his dark web snuff porn that is simply not the case adan is desperate for something to change
yes no in honor of the great dr martin luther king i asked the children to write about their own
dream for the world why don't you take a look at what your son wrote jim i can't read gabby yeah
nice work nice work dr king had a dream we change the world in your outside voice gabrielle
dr king had a dream to change hang on but i this is gonna make it so so much better
dr king had a dream to change the world but i'm a lot smaller than him so my dream isn't
so big it's very good i dream about a world in which my mommy and daddy love each other
as much as i love them this is all i want this is my dream
but the dark is going at night what have we done what have we become
monsters ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding
what can we um what can we do is it is it too late to make this all better or
no it is never too late in fact the first step towards change is wanting to change
but i i'm not gonna lie to you guys it's gonna be a lot of work for starters place adan in a junior
child infant baby rehab facility get in the help he needs next give him a hobby something to redirect
his violent tendencies pogo sticking none spotting bare snipping duck dunking anything with an ink
and for god's sakes pops put some parental controls over your televisions and more importantly
you too need to work on yourselves your anger gabby yeah you're illiteracy jim it's time you
guys need to be setting a better example for your son and i don't like to overstep but i do
so i will i would suggest marriage counseling because if you can't learn how to love one another
how are you supposed to properly love your child or teach your child to properly love
love one another properly when he's with other children in a proper fashion
we're gonna do it we're gonna put in the work for us for adan
this has been a septic shock of a success oh man i look forward to a brand new adan
i can only imagine what that will look like yeah well i can't because of my problems but thanks for
bringing that up but you know what once we put in the work he won't be making stupid mistakes on
his homework look at the moron spelled adan with a y instead of an i i mean well that is how your
son's name is spelled mrs lambardo lambardo i'm sorry who do you think we are your son isn't adan
lambardo kinder gardener at sycamore school elementary teddy bear mascot what no no no
we're the owlsons and kinder gardener at meeple tree elementary home of the fighting saplings
there's been a terrible mistake honey do you realize what this means we don't have to do any of that
work oh my god oh my god you go i'm getting my shit no no no no no wait wait wait wait wait
wait mr and mrs owlsson please regardless of this mix up it seems like your son could
still really benefit from some parental intervention yeah but we don't have to yeah
these are perfect enough for us later bitches piece in your crease
note to self if i ever have a baby knock knock who's there my barren womb
remind me never to name my son adan
hmm
remind me why i became a teacher again tenure and summers devorah tenure and summers
yes god i fucking hate parents
you
