Woo!
Music
Watch it!
Applause
Alright, we're going to use the midpoint for you in order to get started.
Can we please have a word or phrase to inspire us?
Michelle.
Michelle!
No!
No!
No!
I worked this entire jungle my entire life.
I cut through everything, all their weeds.
No!
I have shopped in my jet yard sales my entire life, and I found this today.
No!
I've been cutting the heads off of the infidels for three years now,
and did you know that a human head is still alive for 30 seconds?
30 seconds!
Guys, we only have 30 seconds!
30 seconds!
30 seconds in the air!
This is it!
This is it!
This is off, this is off, this is off, this is off.
Wait, which one's off? Which one's off?
She's on.
Okay.
It's on.
It's on.
It's on.
It's on.
It's on.
It's on.
It's on.
It's on.
It's on.
It's on.
It's on.
Take it off.
Yeah.
Take it off.
Take it off.
Yeah.
Use those tears as lube.
Yeah.
We have a thing.
I want to know what love is.
Yeah.
Why don't you show me?
Why don't you show me?
Tell us you're working through college.
Yeah.
Tell us you're going to dentistry school.
Yeah.
Come here.
Come here.
I'm with me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The samurai code says...
Yeah.
Translation.
Translation.
Yeah.
Here.
Here's what you want on the table.
Here.
Here.
Here.
Here's what you want on the table.
You cannot re-cheat your blade until it is tasted blood.
Blood, that was all.
Or if you get the signatures of three other samurai's
in your prefecture of vouching for your manhood.
That's a white man who's playing.
Oh, stop.
I will sign your glaucoma.
I will sign your glaucoma.
That's a white man who's playing.
You may sheath your sword now.
Good because I'm exhausted.
Exhausted?
I've been vouching for my manhood for 30 years.
What does it mean anymore?
Is it boasting or is it just plain vouching?
I have a voucher, but I don't have a boaster.
Terrence, Terrence, Terrence.
It's nap time.
It's not play time.
Not a night at a round table, not a samurai of ancient Japan.
You're just my lovely little boy.
But mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, if I don't save the princess
from the castle and the dragon, it's
going to eat her up and spit out her bones.
No, no.
Your father never comes home.
Is he out at the bar?
Is he enjoying the pleasantries of a woman down at Peelers?
Or is he actually doing what he's
says he's doing, working late in the office?
There's a lot of mysteries out there, and a lot of things
that can't be solved or saved.
Better you learn this now for me and a woman that's
going to call you a prince later in life.
That's right.
Keep that sword.
Keep that sword.
Keep it in there.
You're making me grow up too fast.
I wish somebody would have made me grow up slower.
This isn't about your 20s in Tampa, is it?
How is it not?
The earth was moist with progress and possibility.
That Millennial Fiefdom they call a state
was rich with possibility and potential.
And strip clubs.
Highest progress.
We're going to be great, honey.
Me, you, and my grand trans and nothing's
going to go wrong.
Oh, you smell like wine coolers and cocaine.
I like one of the two in the last five minutes.
Guess what?
I want to put my babies in you.
That's what people are supposed to do, right?
I think so.
When I feel what I feel right now,
it's like my heart beating in my hands.
It's like the opposite's happening between my legs.
I want to know what life is, and I want you to show me.
If it's making babies, then make them.
If it's burning toast in the morning,
I want to burn toast for you in the morning.
If it's going to Tampa, let's goddamn go to Tampa.
That was the last time you were truly happy, right?
That's right.
That trans am was the warmest thing in my life,
warmer than their father ever was.
So what I'm saying is, don't go chasing waterfalls.
I've been wanting to sign up for a self-defense class
for 90 days.
It's been 90 days since my crime.
You're a criminal?
No, crime has visited upon me.
It was a crime that was committed against him.
And he said, we're going to sign up for a self-defense class.
And then every month, I was like, this month?
And he was like, no.
This is Marilyn.
And then this morning, he was like, yes.
Hi, Marilyn.
I was a victim of a crime.
That's how I got into self-defense.
Oh, my god.
That's terrifying.
Well, the same boat.
Yeah.
Marilyn's my spouse.
She doesn't like the name wife because she
thinks it denotes property.
Dangerous.
Watch yourself on this property.
It's just dangerous.
Your entire life is out there for anyone to just take.
Sorry I'm late.
Yeah, it's me, Fred Lorenzo.
Lorenzo's self-defense.
He's like a three-time black belt.
Six-time black belt, a four-time mustard belt.
But probably they don't even show you
when you show up to Taekwondo, karate, kenpo, or tai chi.
Mr. Lorenzo, we love your abs.
Thanks.
Fantastic.
Every other abs, we turn out the volume.
But yours, we turn it up.
It's all a mystery within.
You keep the invaders out.
That's my motto.
It's kind of complicated, but that's what I say.
Look, there are a couple things involving self-defense.
One person needs to know.
Two people need to know.
Three people need to know.
It's an equation.
Life's an equation.
What's an equation, son?
Math.
That's right.
We're off to a good start.
Why you got your palms together there?
I think this is how they do it, right?
It's how they do it in Japan, but this is goddamn South
Carolina.
Here at Lorenzo School of Personal Security and Safety,
we've got a couple ground rules.
Listen to Fletcher and Lorenzo.
One.
What?
Know what equations mean.
Math.
Let me take all the breaks that I goddamn want,
whatever I goddamn want.
Do you hear the rules?
Most unions suggest it.
Four.
Your personal point of power is now.
The rule of fours.
That's right.
I like it.
Look, I know you probably just found my ad in the back
of a fun-ed magazine.
Or your corner point didn't have to come here.
Whatever the case is, I'm going to teach you to maximize.
What did I say about those palms?
Yeah, what are you going to light yourself on fire
and protest the Vietnam War?
I'm just nervous because I get beat up all the time.
And why is that?
Because I don't know your stuff.
Good.
Excellent answer.
Beyond that, though, you've been living in fear.
And fear is something we smack in the face.
My partner here leaves all the doors open at night.
Well, the window's the door's open.
What do you want?
You want a bazaar?
You having a yard sale when you go to sleep?
You close your eyes?
Does that mean it's an open window?
Like crosswind.
That's a lot.
So much so that a crime was perpetrated against him.
A man came into our home.
90 days ago.
Let's reenact it right now.
What?
Yeah.
I'll play the man coming in your home.
Marilyn was working late.
And I was at home making ramen and fries.
Should that be like the cross breeze or something?
Sure.
Yeah, or the cross.
You have a grandfather clock?
Yeah, I do.
You beat the cross breeze and grandfather clock,
whatever you want to beat.
No work.
So I was just there, you know, wiling the day around.
I was going over my day.
Why did it take 48 minutes instead of the normal 32?
It's a tough call.
Yeah.
So then I took my cup of noodles, as one would want to.
I opened it up.
I put out the microwave.
And then I just sat at my dinette set.
And then the perp came in like so many breezes.
Good job, grandfather.
Yeah, he did.
My head goes down, transfixed upon my noodles.
And then he took one of our ginsu blades out of it.
Yes, much like that.
And then what'd he do with it?
He put it to my throat.
Hey, man.
I can't watch.
Look, this is a safe place, OK?
I don't know if you're the garage door or just are you the wife?
I'm at work.
This is my partner.
She's my spouse.
She thinks wife's the most problem.
That ginsu blade was rightfully mine.
I larked once back in the 80s and didn't go well.
So he had a knife to your throat.
Yes, yes.
And then what'd he do?
Well, then he said, give me all the money.
And I said, there isn't any.
We have some T-bills that will mature in 30 to 40 years.
They need to send that patient.
They make money out of T-leaves now?
Oh, Lorenzo.
That's my name.
Look, mistake number one, close the windows.
Mistake number two, don't get married.
Mistake number three, pawing that grandfather clock
so you have some lady to give to Purr.
Well, all this is fine in retrospect.
Sure.
But when I came, when Marilyn came home,
I was in a heat crime.
He found me in a puddle of biology.
He was lying.
Mostly tears.
But yes, I'm all right.
It was a good deal of tears.
It was a great deal of tears.
I'm not sure at which point.
Anyway, suffice us to say that my wife and I
haven't had marital congress in quite 90 days.
Partner.
Hey, take it easy, grandfather clock.
No one came here for your size.
Sorry, same kind of appointment.
Look, I'm sorry.
Lorenzo, can you help?
I can.
How?
Oh, that's step number five and lesson number six.
Welcome to Lorenzo's Pass of Pain.
So you have a sub-name to your original name?
I do.
And a sub-series of workshops you can work on with me.
I'll sign up.
I'll sign up.
You got it.
Ah.
She's like me to get a separated from the rest of the steps.
Ahoy there.
Uh.
Ahoy?
Right behind you.
We're on land?
You know, I don't see a lot of people around here.
Well, I do.
Oh.
You're not wearing much.
No.
I'm a man of nature.
And you obviously aren't, given the way
you whack at those weeds.
No, it's just I've gotten separated
from the rest of the scouts.
And I need to find my way back.
Good God, is that a falcon?
Yes.
I called this one a quinoa.
He's quite friendly.
What language is that?
It's my own.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to look at your manliness.
That's all right.
Out here, everything is natural.
Tell me.
I feel like we're really just in the woods
outside of Springfield, Ohio.
Yes.
I used to be a resident of Springfield.
Upstanding.
Paid my taxes.
Then one day, I don't own any.
So these are our hiking boots.
They're from EHM.
Can I check the stock room?
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, I'm just here with the squares by hiking boots.
I have no square eye.
I've got sandals.
We've got dock topsiders.
Hold on.
I'll take these boots.
I have no square.
And I wasn't.
I bought those boots.
I walked down at that REI, and I just started walking
straight into the woods.
I haven't been home since.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
This one is Dean Lowe's brother, Tontoah.
Look at how they talk to each other like they have a language.
Quack, quack!
All right, get out of here, you scoundrel.
Ah!
Ah!
I've never seen one of those.
That's right.
You should get out more often.
Well, I have a job and a family.
I had a job and a family, and I left them.
Just walked right out the door of that REI.
Well, then you can appreciate the situation that I made,
which is just needing to get back to Camp Weaverwell.
Or you could stay here, shed your cocoon, if you will,
and be reborn.
November, and frankly, I haven't bought new underwear in years.
I haven't bought new underwear in years.
We don't need it out here.
Tell me, what's your name?
No!
Don't tell me.
I'm going to give you one.
How long?
Your name is too long.
I'm Charlotte.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
It's funny eating with sticks.
It is.
Studying your technique before I dig in.
It's like you're holding one like a pencil,
and the other is just somehow floating there.
It's like we need a passport to be here.
Oh, come on.
Welcome to Machetes.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
It's a very special occasion for us.
I can't believe that there's actually a restaurant
where they serve completely in unison.
Why, well, I can't believe it.
We always do this.
Our specials tonight are...
Pay Space.
It's very good.
I'm sorry, one more time.
I'm actually allergic to gluten,
and I'm completely vegan.
Oh, one more thing.
We have a thing for you.
My caught.
This is it.
Now is that cage-free?
Yes.
I don't need any animals.
I'm just crying thinking about the animals.
Well, we have porridge.
What's that?
Polasia.
Polasia, yes.
Bobby Flay opened a new restaurant.
That's all Polasia.
Is that vegan?
Yes.
We'll start with...
Yes.
We'll have one.
That's great.
Now, we'd like something from your cocktail list.
We have a sazarak special.
A sazarak?
That sounds like a character from a dude novel.
Clover.
What's your name?
Ben.
Ben and Betty?
Ben.
Deep.
Well, we're really happy we decided to spend our anniversary here.
Special.
Special.
Well, God, usually when we go out on a special occasion,
we never move the servers to such emotion as you two.
It's really sweet of you to care so much.
Yeah.
This is why we do it.
No, no.
Draw your sword.
Draw your sword before me now.
I got it.
Oh, I see.
I got to go get my kid.
A cow youth.
Not willing to take the challenge of Ravenswood.
A challenge! A challenge! A challenge in seven!
A challenge in seven!
Everybody, long before you arrived here, I heard your voice.
Okay, I think there's some kind of misunderstanding because...
The Horns of Ravenswood call you.
They call you to fight me this day.
Okay.
Look, I borrowed my friend's car.
It had a weird kind of pulsating thing in the back seat.
He must be the land from the land from beyond the sea, by the way, he speaks.
Yes.
Ah, yes.
A vertical boy.
I haven't laughed at your sword before.
I was going to go pick up my son.
I borrowed my friend's car, a couple sparks later,
and so you shall have a boy.
Your boy fight for you in your stead.
No.
Bring the boy.
No.
Bring the boy.
I shall play the boy in front of you.
No.
This has been great.
I've got to go because I'm sure...
I will find me for the celebration of the child's wedding.
Please do. Please do.
I shall drink above your boy's bones.
Drink! Drink!
Drink above the bones.
Tell me, tell me, man of the iron boat,
if you did not come here to fight me, then what did you come here for?
I don't know.
This has all been done.
Dad, you said there was a...
Get out of here!
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
Sure, yeah, I bought it, Dad.
Oh!
Pick your weapon.
Connor, you don't...
You said there was half a bag of corn nuts in the car.
It was a corn nut.
Dad, you're supposed to do the corn nut, Dad.
The horn of challenge!
Son, I don't think you understand the situation that we're in right now.
These people are cool.
Yeah, okay.
Look, that's a real sword, okay?
This is apparently a real castle.
We need to get back to the car.
Get your real sword and fight!
Lay the boy down before his father!
Lay him down before the father!
There's no way these ladies are wearing bras.
There's no way that your father is not a lady the way he has your fight in his head.
Okay, okay.
That's unnecessary.
Okay, Connor...
My dad works in a toll booth for a living.
He gets people throwing change for a living.
You're a little far away, tongues.
Yeah, I know none of these booths are told.
Come up stage, come up stage.
Down stage, rather, down stage.
I'm a little confused today.
I've been drinking after work because your child has been telling stories in class that are simply unbelievable.
Well, what happened was we were in a time machine.
Listen, he's only going to continue to have difficulty socializing with the other kids if you encourage this kind of behavior.
Marilyn?
We have already been through this road once and we are not going to go down it again.
I love the way you flip your hair.
Now, Connor has a very active imagination.
Just like his daddy.
Yeah.
Just like his daddy.
We traveled back in time.
What's funny?
I'm sorry.
What's fucking funny?
I'm serious.
I'm sorry.
I called me here for a serious parent-teacher conference and you want to bring it back to...
What we had, Marilyn, what we had.
What we had.
Which was great.
Tell me more about these parent-teacher conferences.
Well, they're only supposed to be 15 minutes, but sometimes they last 18 hours.
Tell me there's motel receipts.
And this machine of time, is it like a walking man made of metal or is it something you get into a ride like a horse or a ride like a bucket?
Well, it looks like a puddle, but there's a rainbow in it and then you go through it and then that's how we met you guys.
And my dad brought me back to the rainbow puddle and here we were back in school.
I remember back in my days when I was a young lad, they had me look at numbers and words.
So what do you do?
I am a night slayer.
I've never heard of that.
I slit throats for a living.
I challenge those that challenge me.
I bathe in their blood.
My fans are in the back.
One could say, one could say, I'm a dream maker and a dream slasher.
I'm a night wear weaver and a hard rider.
They sell condoms in the men's room.
I don't know what that is.
Hey, Mom.
Yeah, we're back to sleep.
Mom, I just had it. I just was thinking.
What?
You know, sometimes when you're looking through the window, when you're driving the car and things go by so fast, it's kind of like life, huh?
Honey, we just go to sleep. We have at least 18 hours until we get to Poughkeepsie.
Well, I had this dream that when I was born and went up in the air and then I fell through some doors and I fell in my bed and I'm going to pop.
Okay.
Yeah.
Do you have any more twigs?
No. Honey, you ate the last one three miles ago. Why are you not asleep yet?
I just don't care about twigs.
Hey, Mom.
Yes.
Sometimes I get sad.
I know, honey. So do I.
I know. That's what I get sad.
You get sad because I get sad?
Uh-huh.
Are you just saying that you're sad because I'm sad?
Uh-uh.
Do you have any more twigs?
Yes.
A lot of them.
Hey, Mom.
And if you go to sleep, I'll give you some in the morning.
Hey, Mom.
How come I don't have a baby brother or sister?
What's that?
How come I don't have a baby brother or sister?
Oh, dear.
Because you are my one special angel.
And I can't handle any more amazing mess.
Hold on the window.
You got the money?
Yeah.
Hey, Mom.
I said no babies.
I thought you were asleep, sweetheart.
Hey, Mom.
Yes?
I'll have some juice.
Okay. All right.
Your juice is mostly sugar.
Yes.
Who are you talking to?
Hang on. Let me...
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
This is James.
This is Miranda.
I have 10 toes.
Hi.
I have eight.
And that guy robbed you.
He drugged you and robbed you.
What did you expect?
Look, I've been hooked on a lot of stuff.
Loot, paint, ludes, little things.
And you still a mustard belt?
Still a mustard belt.
I tried little things when I was in junior high.
They were amazing.
I was hooked on shrinky dinks.
Put them in the oven, then you bake them,
and they enlarge.
They shrink.
And I grabbed them up and I put them in my nose.
You want to feel rainbow bright up here and there?
Let's do it that way.
Look, I'm saying you can overcome your obstacles, okay?
Okay.
You can fight the demons within.
Okay.
Look, I'll tell a lot of people about this.
I don't think a lot of people come here.
I know.
It's a secret.
I'm going to offer you guys another sub-level of Fred Lorenzo's security management and
experience.
Will it help when you ask me and I'll ask you,
do you believe in time travel?
I believe in the theory.
Sure.
It's a reality.
What?
Yeah.
That's coming on the heels of you shorty shrinky dinks.
That's his theory, I suspect.
Maybe that's how he got so many belts so quickly,
despite his junky bath bombs.
Every movie we see about time travel, I tell my partner,
it's real.
It's real.
I knew it.
I knew it was.
It's a secret.
She even liked the Rachel McAdams one.
Yeah.
You can live that Rachel McAdams one.
You can go back in time and slit her throat and take her part.
Okay, I'll do it.
Rachel will need you on set.
Does anyone know who this is?
How did I get caught up in this?
Okay.
I'm a grandmother clock.
Did you know there's a table of just food for anyone?
It's just out.
It's just out.
Now you're a goddamn moose.
Anyone can eat it.
Now you're a goddamn moose.
All the coordinates you want.
Wow.
I didn't think she'd die so easily.
It was so crazy.
I appreciate you offering me shelter for the night,
but I really just need to get back to the scouts.
Now it's the bombies they left you.
This is my wolf.
Testigo.
All right.
All right.
He is friendly.
Testigo.
Testigo.
No.
Testigo.
No.
Testigo.
Testigo.
Fresh meat.
Fresh meat.
There he is.
There's my little boy.
Now, testigo.
Testigo.
Take it.
Go.
Go.
He'll be back later.
I've never seen wolf balls before.
Listen, Charlotte, you may as well come to the conclusion
that your precious scouts have left you.
No.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
There's only one choice now.
And that's to live here with me as my bride.
I don't think that's true.
Charlotte who can't whip her well has existed for 75 years
and will continue to exist.
And I just need a compass or the sun or something
to point me the right way.
No, you're here with me now.
Charlotte?
Meredith?
Charlotte?
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
What?
What?
What?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
You want me to kill you?
I'll kill them all.
What are you doing?
For you.
She's a substitute to you.
Excuse me.
I'm just hiking.
Wait.
Take my door.
I don't know this man.
I couldn't move here.
Make a choice.
I used to larp in the 80s.
I killed him.
I killed him.
I just did it.
I just did it.
Excuse me.
I don't know this man.
I get it. Good times.
You're mine now, Shaq.
Dad, is that you?
Well, well, well. We meet again in another time thread.
I see you finally found the stones to fight me.
Oh, you're the one slaying children now.
Yes.
Look at that. Guess you learned a thing or two back in my time in Ravenswood.
You don't understand. I have a bride now.
And recently a son.
Yes.
You know, he walks all the way back to Ohio.
So, who will fight in your stead this time?
Oh, will you sack up and pack up?
Yeah, no. Charlotte's gonna fight for me. Here you go, sweetheart.
Yep.
It won't be the first time I slayed a woman from tent to toe.
Nor will it be the last.
Did you just say, from tent to toe?
Yes.
In my land, at my time.
Shaq!
This is the tent.
I will live on 30 seconds before I die.
I nearly regret some of the decisions I've made in life.
I'm really sorry about some of the things you've done.
And you should be ashamed of yourself.
I don't know how to feel about it.
I don't know how to feel about it, at least.
Just because.
Voice by your own mustard.
You should open up a self-defense school.
Quire!
Conjura!
I do feel free.
Ah, a puddle.
It has a rainbow in it.
Come with me.
I will.
How long ago was love and hate?
What year is it now?
This is an Audi!
Audi!
