I went to South Africa. I just went to South Africa.
Have you ever been to South Africa?
It's really a fucking part. You go out here, you take a left, and then you just fucking go to the bottom.
You go to the bottom. It's at the very end of the Earth. It's somewhere where the round part is, and then you go back around the other land.
But for the most part, it's at the end. We're in Cape Town, which is at the very fucking end of the Earth.
And I'd done a little reading about it, you know, but not a lot. I didn't know.
Obviously, I grew up, I knew about apartheid, and Nelson Mandela, I did a little reading of the rugby they like, and Matt Damon's from there.
But what they didn't tell me about, they didn't prepare me for, was baboons fucking in the road, in the road.
Not in your fucking street, not out in the wild, but in a suburban...
So, okay, so we go there, and we have a day off, and there's a bunch of comics at the Fur Festival, and we're going to Cape Point,
which is they go, hey, you should go see Cape Point. It's where the Atlantic Ocean and the Indian Ocean meet.
And you're like, oh, that'll be awesome, except there's nothing to see. It's not like two fucking...
Like, I thought, oh, two oceans will crash into each other.
Like, booze! You see this mad, like these two fucking oceans. I did that in my head.
It's just fucking water. It's nothing. It's just a distinction on a map. It's like shit we made up.
It's just like religion and marriage. So there's nothing to see.
So we're driving out to see that, and on the way, there's a sign, and the sign says fucking baboons exclamation point.
As though they're as stoked to have baboons as you will be to see them.
Baboons! Like, oh, fuck, they've got them. We're going to see them.
But as you know, as fucking human beings, as you know, you never see what's on a sign.
Like, you never see... I've never seen a Mexican family running across a highway.
I've never seen it. I've just never seen it. I'd be fucking delighted. I'd honk. I'd wave.
I'd point in a direction they could go in. I'm all about them coming here. Come on over. Come on in.
I've never seen boulders. I've never come around to turn and seen fucking boulders.
How awesome would it be if just for a minute your life could be like the fucking Italian job
where you're cruising and fucking boulders come down? I've never seen slow children playing.
Like, you could always do 75. Never seen a girl with pigtails. I just haven't seen it.
So what I'm trying to say is I don't expect to see baboons.
I don't expect that that's what I'm going to see.
500 yards, I shit you not, past the sign is a couple, I guess for lack of a better description, right?
In the road and they're fucking. It's a dude, right?
And we're in a van and we hit the brakes because it was over a rise.
We barely had time to fucking skid to a halt.
And then we stop and dude is...
And he fucking looks at us and you know, they're almost human, right?
I mean, he seriously was like...
Like fucking go around.
Like seriously, like fucking go around.
Like he looked pissed.
Like you're in my fucking bed, Africa's my bedroom.
Hi, Africa's my bedroom. This is my fucking shit.
Go... go around.
And we couldn't go around.
There was no conceivable way to get the car around.
There was another car stopped on the other side and they're not like geese.
You can't get out and just fucking shoe them away.
They'll tear your fucking face off.
They're not... they're not fun.
It's not a fun... they're not fun animal.
It's like, oh, Keele, they'll destroy you.
So we simply... we just have to wait.
We just have to fucking wait for them to fuck.
They're gonna... they're gonna fuck and we've got to...
One thing that was nice was like, you know,
how you got to check yourself like it wasn't turned on.
And I mean, like you just never know.
You never know.
You know how you stumble as you get older.
You stumble upon a fetish. You didn't know.
You're like, oh, shoes.
Like you didn't know shoes.
And one day some pair of shoes makes you go, fuck,
why do I want to stick my dick in that?
Cadbury eggs.
I was in a target. I want to put my dick in there.
You know, I can't...
You know what's sad about that?
I saw this Cadbury eggs and I'm like,
oh, I want to put my dick in there.
Like...
Anyway, that's... that's...
I have children, so I didn't do it, but...
Not because I... not because it would have been wrong,
but simply my dick is just not big enough.
Like I wouldn't have been able to actually manage.
Like it...
I could only hang it above like a sad elephant.
So I...
So they're fucking. They're fucking.
And... and so I know I'm not...
I'm looking down.
I give them as much privacy as they can have.
And then one guy, of course, has taken pictures
and another guy is laughing.
And I'm like, oh, really?
Are you fucking laughing?
Because that's a...
How's your relationship?
I guess I wanted to ask.
You know, they're like, how...
Like they're fucking in the road
during the middle of the day.
That's a solid relationship.
It's daytime.
You don't give a fuck what anybody thinks.
They're doing it.
You know, he's on her.
He's just... he's fucking...
There's love happening.
Knock it off.
With your fucking judgment.
How dare you?
So...
We have to wait.
We have to wait till they finish fucking.
So they...
Dude is done.
He finishes.
And then he...
He looks up at us
and he looks down at her
and he picks a bug off of her back
and fucking...
He eats it.
They fucking come with snacks.
They have snacks on them.
No messy dismount,
wrap a towel,
go down to the fucking refrigerator.
They have snacks on their back
for post-coital.
How fucking awesome is that?
I love my wife.
I'm lucky that she lets me fuck her.
But when we're done,
wouldn't it be awesome just to reach behind her ear
and pull out a fucking peanut butter cup?
My name's Greg Barron.
Thank you all very much.
Have a good night.
Thank you.
