And I'm going to introduce the first act, which is this guy that I met a month ago.
It was the year we were watching the show, and then we talked after the show.
And I don't really know this guy that much.
I know he's a local businessman, and I know I like to support local business and local
things that happen here in Portland.
And I know that his name is Big Ed Burnham, and that's all I know, and I don't know what
exactly he's going to be doing, so let's just find out.
So he's a big round of applause to Big Ed Barton.
Thank you.
Can I have this mic?
I'm not using the mic.
Hey, folks!
Hey!
Hey!
Big Ed Barton here from Big Ed Barton's Bottle Barton Garden, with a very important
message for you.
You're here tonight, just in time for the Follies Season Finale Can Ham Giveaway.
Now, I know what you're wanting to ask me, a couple things.
Big Ed, who are you?
And the second thing I know you're wanting to ask is, why would you give away a ham at
a variety show?
Well, I'll tell you a little bit about myself in just a moment, but it's not just a ham.
It's a canned ham.
In fact, it's the finest canned ham Denmark has to offer.
It actually says that on the packaging, and I'm also paid to say that.
Now, as far as who I am, my name is Big Ed Barton.
I am the owner and operator of Big Ed Barton's Bottle Barton Garden.
We are a small outfit in the foothills of Mount Hood, and we sell all kinds of lawn
decor, things for your flower garden, your front porch, your back porch.
Maybe you've got a little breakfast nook.
You'll want to have a country-fine world.
We have all kinds of solutions for that that are elegant and whimsical, and they're all
15% off between now through July 4th.
That's right.
Oh, joining me tonight is my assistant.
This is my nephew, Beauregard Barnum.
You'll figure out very, very quickly that he only says two things.
One, and put them together, and that's really all he says.
It's kind of an accident, I'll explain a little bit.
So, Big Ed Barnum, a Bottle Barton garden, one of the things I'm really proud of is
we have a lot of ceramic dimmy humans, gnomes, leprechauns.
Some of these folks have little mushrooms, lawn jockeys, and I didn't bring any of them
with me tonight because they're so popular this time of year.
I just can't keep them in stock.
But one of the things that I did bring is I did bring Johann and Johanna Van Voren.
The Van Voren's are, if they're not dimmy humans, they're just Dutch folks.
They're very small statues.
And these two, you bury them up to their knees in your flower garden,
and they're going to take care of all the bugs, slugs, critters that you don't want to tag in your flower garden,
especially tulips.
Now, Johanna, she's actually a gem because she won Holland's equivalent of the Congressional Medal of Honor.
Now, Johanna Van Voren.
He just drinks a lot.
Now, I also have, joining him, Hans Trinker.
He's also a little Dutch boy.
And he fixes things by sticking his finger in them.
It doesn't matter if it's a project around the house or a large municipal city project or soft tissue, whatever.
There's gutters, chimney, bridge supports, potholes, hemorrhoids.
He can do it all.
He's also a licensed midwife.
So you have to speak Dutch to understand what he's saying, but he is a licensed midwife.
Hey, folks.
Hey.
Have you ever wondered why when people die, older people die, they leave so many empty picture frames in their attic spaces?
Frequently, they have a museum quality.
Well, folks, you don't have to die.
You don't have to even age.
You can get museum quality picture frames, the biggest barns, bubble-barned garden.
And you can put whatever you want to in them.
If you have a nephew that you have a portrait of and you want to put that on your wall, you can.
I like to envision hugs or cats or something like that.
But the beauty of art is you can put whatever you want to in these picture frames.
And you can do it at 15% off.
Let's see.
What else do we have?
Oh, I'm real proud of the fact that we have a lot of high-class, long-legged birds talking storks, pelicans, flamingos.
I like to put 20 or 30 of these in the yard, take off my shirt,
lie in the grass and just spread my wings,
and pretend I've taken flight to some exotic locale like Mazatlan, Acapulco.
But folks, don't let my imagination dictate your pretend to travel plans.
You can pretend to travel wherever you want to.
You can also do that at 15% off the big head barns, bubble-barned garden.
Next thing, just be careful with this boat.
You've heard of gazing balls.
I'm not a big fan of that phrase because the gazing balls we have at big head barns,
bubble-barned garden are more reflective oars.
And they're reflective in two ways.
One, you look at them, you can see yourself.
But another way is you look into them and whatever you have inside of you,
whatever darkness, whatever hopes and fears and dreams and whatever you have,
that's going to be looking back at you.
You can lose a whole afternoon with one of these things.
Now, Bo, Bo had an accident a couple of weeks ago.
He was left alone with one of these things and something in his psyche,
I don't know what, but it was sort of like some sort of feedback loop.
He used to be very eloquent and he used to talk a lot.
And now he only says,
That's right.
So these are great.
We also have a couple of pocket-sized additions.
I'll put these in your pocket and tell you where we want to.
The one thing I advise against is don't play with one of these while you're driving
because deep, introspective thought is definitely driving you while you're distracted,
especially if you're really working on something.
This one's kind of confusing to me and I don't know why.
I have a lot of elderly women come in and they are always asking for statues
of cherubs with their peppers hanging out.
Something about them being an elegant water feature.
I think it's more of a nuisance because if you buy one of these,
you have to buy a basin or you have to put plastic down.
I had one customer do a litter box and I just thought it was pretty an elegant solution.
This is Chad.
He's a bit of a troublemaker.
I've sold him four times.
I had to give a refund four times.
If somebody wants to take Chad off my hands tonight, I'll read more than 15% off.
It's weird.
He's got baby legs but he's got a six-pack.
It's just kind of weird.
Now, a lot of people always ask me,
Big Ed, you've got everything at Big Ed Barnum's Bubble Bar and Garden.
Where do the savings stop?
Dream catchers.
I took an anthropology class in college and if there's anything I took from that,
it's you do not want to mess with the mystical sleepscapes of indigenous peoples.
They're your dreams, good or bad.
Let those dreams come.
Go as they free you kids.
This reflective orb is a little distracting.
Now, I'm not going to lie to you.
I make a lot of money.
People come up to me all the time on the street and say,
Big Ed, I saw you in that 1979 Cadillac.
What do you do to keep grounded?
What do you do to give back to the community?
Well, I'm proud to say that we run the Pacific Northwest's only wind chime notification registry.
I mean, it's serious.
We all know that wind chimes let us know we're the crazy people.
So, when one of these looms comes in and buys a set of wind chimes
at Big Ed Bar and Bar and Garden, we write down their name and address,
and we publish it so that you can look them up and find out where they are.
Find out if they're next door or across the street.
It's a pretty serious problem.
Now, when I talked to Stefano about being on the show,
he said, Big Ed, I'd love to have you on the show,
but you can't just stand up there and try to sell resplendent yard objects at sensible prices.
It's a variety show.
You have to provide some kind of entertainment.
And I said, well, I'm in business, man.
I don't know how to do that.
And he said, well, just think back.
Just tell a joke.
And I said, well, what's blue and white?
You can't climb a tree.
And he said, I don't know.
And I said, a refrigerator and a dental jumpsuit.
And he said, well, okay, maybe don't tell them the jokes.
Maybe recite a poem, like one of your favorite poems.
And I said, hickory dickory doc.
And he said, I'm going to stop you right there.
And I said, see, it's so hard.
I don't know how to entertain people.
And he said, well, Big Ed, we're all storytellers.
We're all entertainers.
We're all clowns.
Just look back to your childhood when you had a sense of play,
things that you enjoyed doing.
And I said, I got it.
So, oh, if you could allow me to have the stage.
That's right.
Just, I will disclose something.
And I'm not lying when I say this.
I have not done this since April of 1975.
I was in first grade.
I was in first grade.
Every day is a different world.
Going fast in the animal world goes through a lot.
My doors will surely come my way.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's a getting faster every once a school ahead.
A fast girl of my yours will soon come by.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Every day seems a little longer every way.
Love's held up stronger than what may do you ever long
for true love for me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Every day seems a little longer every way.
Love's a little stronger than what may do you ever long
True love for me everyday
This is the best year ever
Once is gone, this is the best year ever
Hey, hey
Hey
I almost forgot, we're going to give away a ham.
So if this isn't a wrath or anything, it's literally just a ham giveaway.
This ham is entirely edible.
I suggest you rinse it off because it's very briny.
You can eat the whole thing if you like.
I suggest you have someone available who can drive you to urgent care.
And here's one.
What do you get when you cross a ham made out of tofu and a pineapple?
I told Stefan I couldn't tell jokes.
Yeah, I'm all about this ham right now.
He loves the ham.
That's right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Big Ed Cardon.
Let's hear it for Big Ed Cardon.
Thank you.
