And now here's an all-time favorite made several years back
and
Hey Grandpa, I'm going to head out to do it.
I said I'm leaving.
I said Grandpa, I'm leaving. Your taco salad is in the fridge and I love you.
Wait, did I tell you why I became an archeologist?
Yes, I'd love to hear it but I have to go. I'm sorry.
Um, it was maybe next time? I was a professor at the time.
Oh yes, and I was assigned to find a rare lost Ark from the Nazis.
Whoa, that's crazy. I have to go, Grandpa. Bye, I'll see you later.
Well, I guess we'll talk about it later. Yeah.
Where are my glasses?
Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. Hey, she lost me.
What's with the umbrella, Taylor? You afraid of the sun or something?
Oh, yes, it is I, Taylor. Let me in.
It is Taylor, let me in.
Oh, I understand.
It's me, Taylor, let me in.
Oh, sure, come on in. I should be taxing you and how often you're here.
Do you want some cheese puffs?
Oh, no, no, no, I'm not hungry. Cheese puff.
I got them from your aunt, Johnny, for Christmas.
It's June. Ah, this is, here you go.
As I was saying earlier, I met this man named Belak in Cairo.
As the Nazis were digging up the well of souls.
Anyway, oh, here, here's the medal I got for my efforts in Cairo.
Ah, the president gave it to me. So, come on, show him all.
Here's my purple heart I got for saving my buddy Bubba in Vietnam.
Well, after the war, I met President Kennedy,
but I had to drink too many Dr. Peppers and I had to pee.
That was embarrassing.
Well, hang on, I got it, I got it, here we go.
Here's my glass. Oh, here they are.
You're not, Taylor!
Ahhh!
You there, Phantom, what are you doing?
You know who else did nothing? Judas!
Sinner, stunner.
Shut the door! The door!
Grandpa, what's going on?
Going through changes, Taylor. Something is happening to me.
You, are you going through puberty?
Yeah, so anyways, my mom told me that you think you're a vampire
and she got really worried, but I knew what you mean
because that's what I tell people when I watch five seasons of CSI Miami in one sitting.
No, Taylor, I'm a real vampire.
Just like how you're a real archaeologist, how do you know?
I just know.
Okay, anyways, I'm also afraid of sunlight, see?
Shh!
More than that, the sunlight has ruined my eyes.
Everything is just blurry.
Well, aren't vampires supposed to be super strong or something?
Like, take off your glasses and see if you've got 20-20.
Oh, wait, wait.
No, I can see.
Whoa! That's crazy!
Now you can read me Laganga Especial.
Let's see what happens to Eva Longoria.
No.
No? Okay, well, let's just watch TV instead.
Um, oh.
Gaziatore.
Look what the Lord dragged in.
You either pray by the rules or you play by the rules.
Rules? Who died and made you Pope?
Your Bible and your collar on my desk now!
You know, I'm bored. Let's go out tonight.
I don't know, Grandpa. I'm really tired.
I, like, died in cash last night with my friends.
Died in cash?
Oh, yeah, it's like, died in dash, but you, like, pay at the end.
And, yeah, I'm just really tired. I don't think I can do that right now.
You know how I get when I'm tired.
Um, I don't know.
You can tell me that story about you in Vietnam.
Yeah! Hey!
So, um, we're in Vietnam. They're out there in the field.
I know they're injured, so I go get Lieutenant Dan.
I drag him back, pissing and kidding and screaming at me.
Yeah.
I bring him back, and as it is, I got shot in the butt talks.
It's like, oh, the Sergeant.
He would always claim, and everybody who claimed the only person who could kill Barnes is Barnes.
Hey, he got shot.
And we also had the Staff Sergeant when we were back at camp, boot camp.
Yeah.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
He was screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Bye.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
I've caught you, Count Boyardy.
Or should I call you by your real name?
Chef.
Let me go. I know they took your Bible away.
Shut up.
You're on probation.
So just give me the names of the people that you bit, and I'll let you go.
Fine.
Fine.
There was a...
a grandpa.
Grandpa?
Oh, my God.
He hypnotized me.
How long have I been out?
Hey, look who's finally awake.
What's up, nerd?
Hey, I was wondering if you could wash my clothes.
I had some eats earlier.
No, no, no.
You hypnotized me.
You manipulated me.
You left me all alone.
Where do you go?
Are you really a vampire?
Oh, yeah, right.
Yeah, I was also in World War II in Vietnam.
Okay, no, no.
Stop it with the stories.
You're a real vampire that sucks real blood.
And right now, the way you're treating me sucks really hard.
You know what?
I'm not even upset that you feasted on human carcasses
or drained the souls of hundreds of people.
I'm just...
What, Taylor?
Disappointed?
I'm so sorry.
I got so wrapped up in all the energy and the need for flesh.
I just forgot about you.
It's okay.
I feel so terrible and some cold and achy and in the light.
Did you turn me into a vampire?
No, no, no, never.
You're just suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, please, vampire.
Wait, wait, wait.
I don't understand.
You're so compelling.
Yeah, you like that?
You like that?
No, no.
No, I mean, peanut butter is great, but like, I don't know if I like it the same way that you like it.
No, no.
