Woo!
Music
Watch it!
Applause
Alright, we are Chokey Boy.
Shout out if you're here from Camp Improv Utopia.
Applause
Right on!
Very cool.
Well, we're going to do some improv for you.
In order to get started, can we please get a word or phrase to inspire us?
Thunder!
Thunder!
Thank you!
There is a convention.
It was the second year this year.
It's called Power Con Thunder Con.
That's right.
It's for fans of He-Man and Thunder Cats.
And I've been both years.
It's amazing because you walk in and you're immediately like eight years old again.
You see all the old toys that you used to have and you just like,
I'm like a kid in the candy store.
And then this year, I like getting excited as I talk about it.
And then this year they had the cast, everyone except Dolph Lundgren,
from the He-Man movie in the 80s.
And the woman who played, you know, they're all character actors.
I haven't really done anything since.
Maybe I just saw her a few weeks ago.
Who played people in?
No.
Who played Teela?
Teela, yes.
Also, fun fact, Courtney Cox's first movie, He-Man.
That reminds me, we saw her at the Yamashiro Farmers Market,
which is on Thursday nights.
I don't work for them, but it's a lovely time.
And that's the thing about it, it's like because of where we are,
you walk up there and it's kind of like walking into a wax museum.
I saw her, I've seen Jeff Goldblum, who is a towering man,
bring this date and then his handlers were behind him,
and he brought her up and was like,
Look, look, look, look, look at everything in front of you.
And she looked down there and then he twirled her around.
It's such a presentational fashion.
And laid a deep, swooning kiss on her.
That's been terrible.
It was so ostentatious.
The farmers markets are this weird social scene.
You need your fucking A game.
You need to have an attitude.
Yeah, like the fanciest people I ever run into are on Selma Avenue,
which we all know smells like piss.
Yes, but on Sunday mornings, we, you know...
High times are bad.
Yeah, exactly.
The last time I was at a farmers market, it was the one in Toluca Lake.
And some there, my girlfriend, were surveying the produce and such.
And I had to go use the bathroom.
So at the time, Cucaroo is an out-of-the-funk chicken restaurant.
But there was one...
How do I miss that?
That's the funk to my neighborhood.
Anyway, I had to go in there and use the bathroom.
So I'm like, I'll be right back.
So I walk in and it's a fast food place.
So I open up the door to the bathroom.
I don't knock.
And this is all I see.
There's a guy, one kid just like,
Like how to miss a mom, like fucking just going nuts.
And he's trying to like wipe his other baby and he's fucking just crying.
He's a mess.
He's got like the Santa wipe thing around his arm.
And he's holding my baby.
And he's like, just help me out!
And he turns to look at me.
And he does one of these.
And when he turns to look, it's Scott Lyland from Stone Temple Pilots.
And I'm like, hey!
This is a pure fact.
Seven days later, he divorced from his wife.
She lit his shit on fire in their house in Toluca Lake.
And I blame that spot!
And I was like, I'm a rockstar!
Fuck this!
I've done a big bag of smack.
You walked in on your rock bottom.
Yeah.
I caught a guy named Ross taking a crap at the O.K.
When I was in Boy Scout,
No, I was in Boy Scout Leadership Training Camp.
When I was like 13 or 14, it was called Camp Oakleaf
in the Karankawa Forest of Texas.
And I remember going around and I was terrified by the raccoons
that killed each other in front of me at every night.
Like, I couldn't sleep in there.
I would wake up and try my flashlight.
And it would just be bloodthirsty raccoons.
And then he's slitting their throats fighting each other.
And because I couldn't get to our food.
I went to my grandparents house the other day
and there was the most funky smell like something had died.
And I go, it smells like something died in your house.
And I go, oh, you have a dead raccoon outside.
What?
I didn't walk out.
Wait, how did you not deal with it?
It was a terrible thing.
But a terrible thing was seeing this guy, Ross,
who had like the most, the nicest tent.
It wouldn't let me sleep in it.
I had a tarp because I was told that they would supply us with tents.
It was a tarp.
There was no nothing on the ground.
And I saw him crapping on the top of a hill.
And it was like a silhouette of like Ample Entertainment
of just like a guy doing that.
And me and my friends made fun of him because he was a rich jackass.
And then he just turned to us and we were like, ah, look at you.
And he was like, you guys, you guys are nasty.
We're like, we're not the ones taking shit on top of a hill.
We're out of your view.
And I lorded that over to him for the rest of the time.
You're a thunderstruck at the site.
Yes, you're a thunderstruck.
That's the last time.
That is it.
That is it.
No, I'm not giving you any more.
You take advantage of me because of your celebrity.
You're right.
I do.
Look, okay.
I wrote a produce then.
Yes, I know.
You know, I know that every time I come here is the best day of your life.
And I want you to give me free apples.
And that's the end of it.
It's too much.
You've made a scene for all these people.
And I will gladly pay for my apples.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Give her some apples.
Give her some apples.
We have lovely apples.
I know.
I love your apples.
I specifically come to your channel.
Okay, all right.
I'm going to give you a couple apples, all right?
You're a great and sister, my dearest.
Thank you.
You can afford these.
She can afford these.
Just so everybody knows, she can afford these apples.
Hey, hey, hey.
It's not just for horses.
I'll bring the Range Rover around.
Oh, my God.
Jump right in.
Good morning, guys.
How are you doing?
You like the farmers market?
Yeah, it's like Thompson.
Start off, die, die, and die some more.
We all know him.
He's my M.G.B.
Listen, listen to me, huh?
Okay, that's it.
Let's get my Range Rover around.
You have great change rings as well.
I'm going to make you a box.
I'll give her a box.
I brought him my box because it's so heavy.
You're going to kill a tree on top of killing my business?
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
What's wrong with this country?
Free loaders like you.
I work hard for my business.
People like you.
Is that right?
Yes.
Sir, I wouldn't be in line at your stand.
We're not for this celebrity here right now.
Is that a fact?
That is a true American fact.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my God.
It's just the last time you had a car.
I don't want to watch you.
I know you used to, but you do have a car.
Why don't you valet?
Why don't you shut up?
A charisma bomb just went off.
Why don't you set your tagline for nighttime festival over?
You're dead.
Yeah.
But we have that champagne lunch at the Beverly Industrial Gales Hotel, so if you could just...
Last time.
I swear.
That was the last time.
Thank you so much.
Sure.
Thank you.
You should walk through her wake.
It smells like potpourri, but not the kind in a magazine like real potpourri.
Oh.
The only thing that's dead is the dream of entrepreneurialism in this country.
Because I started this on a dime and a dream.
I know.
And that's what you make every week.
Ah!
Get him out of the way!
Ah, that was a good piss.
Oh, hey, what's going on?
What do you, what do you, look at me peeing?
I'm just washing my hands, Dave.
Why don't you keep your head and your eyes off my pickle, okay?
Whoa.
I did not have my eyes on your pickle.
I don't know what you're talking about.
A pickle peaker, okay?
I don't peak at pickles.
That's all right.
You don't peak at pickles.
What are you doing?
I was just having a piss.
Dave, you're in a public bathroom.
Yeah.
An aphorum is the key word.
They're bathroom.
Where people piss, not look at people's pickles.
I'm uncomfortable with how often you call your penis a pickle.
I'm being polite.
One of us is going to be polite today, Tommy.
I don't think you're being polite.
What's the word?
Dave Stevens is polite.
All right.
Look, Tommy Prothrow is a pickle peaking jet gas.
Look, I've dripped on my pants.
I didn't have time to shake because you were eyeing me like a leg of lamb.
Dave, I don't know what's going on at home.
What's set off this chain of events.
I came in here.
I used the bathroom.
I washed my hands like a normal human.
You did your earthly business over there.
And I didn't come between you and your moment.
Now, whatever runoff you had is your issue.
Maybe you'll see your urologist.
I don't give a fuck about pickles.
I'm just dripping.
Good Lord Jesus Christ.
What?
What kind of man are you?
Now, don't you give me this?
What kind of man am I?
You're the pickle peaker.
I'm neither.
None of these things.
You're all of these things.
These things mean one thing.
I was in here first.
You were in here first.
What do you think this is?
I'm a elaborate ruse where I planted this out and I've been staking you out.
I don't want to go where I'm about to go.
But when they hire you, I was like, you know, he's weak.
He's weak, Sauce.
He's going to bring down this division.
Yeah, you.
I'm looking at you, weak Sauce.
A very weak way of carrying on an argument.
I'm just saying.
I mean, I like the neighborhood.
But it's not really a house.
It's like Drake Tom Frans.
And there's a tarp over there.
You saying you don't like my work?
It's not that I don't like it.
It's not so much a house as it is a shelter and a concept.
I'm looking for a place to raise my children.
I need actual walls and a roof.
So if you have actually built an actual house.
But let me ask you this.
I'm so excited about this neighborhood.
Would you rather have a place where your children are physically sheltered?
Yes, that.
Or emotionally sheltered?
The first.
Really?
I mean, it's a hard decision.
It seems like I made that decision quickly.
But yeah, no.
Where are you from?
San Diego.
What does that mean?
Do you have another property to show me?
Yes, I have many other properties to show you.
Some of them are more conceptual than others.
In fact, I have this other one.
It's just a description.
I'll tell you right now.
You walk in.
You have a feeling of fence, of purpose.
It smells of huckleberry.
And then you take a left.
And there's a sauna.
The sauna is a deconstructed sauna.
Simply a hot cup of water and a cup of salt.
Look, I am a huge fan of your work, your paintings.
I've seen at your sister's house.
She's a good friend of mine.
So I thought I'd found a great hookup.
You've mentioned great neighborhoods.
But this is not what I'm looking for.
These are more sculptures.
This is the darts.
But I need a house.
If you weren't a proper lady, I would slap the shit out of you.
How dare you call these sculptures?
Sculpture is one of the bastard arts.
I went to Parsons School of Design for architecture.
I heard that in your bio.
That's right.
And so I am an architecturalist.
It is very much a word.
That's how language works.
As you say a word, it becomes a word.
I'm not sure you're right about that, but you're the artist.
I trust you.
I'm going to punch you in the baby maker if you call me an artist.
I swear to God, an artist?
Why don't you just call me a generalist?
Why don't you just call me a human being?
That's nothing.
I just think this is really a brilliant manipulation of negative space.
Whether you're an artist or not, that's what a sister has to be.
It's a brilliant manipulation of negative space.
So you like it?
Yes.
I'm not going to buy it to live in with my children.
That's all right.
It probably wouldn't be good for children anyway.
What with all the glass shards?
Oh, I had noticed those.
I'd like to thank everybody for coming out.
First annual Starbats convention.
We all know Starbats, the short-lived animated series.
There's from 1981.
1981.
Last full year.
We're all fans of the Starbats.
And we have some of the people behind the bats
that live among the stars here today.
So we are here for short Q&A.
I'd like to first open the mic up to the voice of Rarr himself.
Here he is, JC Chotan.
All right, everybody.
Now, before you ask, legally, I can't do the voice.
Just do the voice.
If you just came to hear me do the voice, I can't do it.
Oh, he's such a tease.
No, I'm serious.
If I do it, the lawyers standing in the back,
they'll charge me $20,000.
Oh, we tied him up.
We tied him up in the bathroom.
So I'm willing to talk about anything as long as it's not just
a kind of a backdoor way for me to do the voice.
Just do the goddamn voice.
Oh, I got a question right here.
First up, we get a question, JC.
Yes, I was wondering, I've been wondering for so long,
if you would just do the voice.
I'm not going to do the voice.
I'm not going to do the voice.
We can talk about anything.
We can talk about Franklin's shitty attitude.
He was a pain in the ass to work with,
and he's been a pain in the ass ever since.
And then I write to Franklin.
Is it true?
I'm harassable.
He's a functional alcoholic is what he is.
It's true.
Any other questions?
Regarding Franklin's bad attitude.
Yes.
If you were to improve it, would you do the voice?
I can't do the voice.
You're going to be promised to stop drinking
when you do the voice.
That's never going to happen.
If he promises to stop drinking, I will...
I don't know.
Do the voice! Jesus!
I just never really got to this point before.
If he really stopped drinking?
Well, Mr. Jim B went dry, so...
I'm on a 15-minute sober streak.
Do the voice! Do the voice!
Just do the voice.
Do the voice!
I've been in plenty of other projects.
Do the voice!
Do the voice!
Do the voice!
Second of date!
It's all anymore, everybody!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Well, Clay, we have some bad news.
I don't often come from the branch
to see my customers in person,
but when it's tidings, this bleak,
I felt a face-to-face was needed.
We're going to need...
The bank is repossessing your stand.
Here we go.
Here we go!
You're in a rears on your micro mortgage,
and we've had to take your eight-square-foot plot
from you from the farmer's market.
It pains me to do this,
but you signed a contract,
and the contract is 7%.
We went to the farmer's market,
and no one remember how old my citrus is,
and he wasn't there!
He wasn't there!
Oh, gosh, darn, that wasn't there!
That is so...
I knew this day would come.
I knew the moment that I stepped into Tinseltown
with my stand,
I would just be...
shatterpaw and puked upon
like so many other stars along Hollywood.
Hollywood machine just chews up the fruit industry.
It's a champagne!
It's champagne!
Vintage 1960.
I feel like I'm being shatterpawed!
It's the worst day we're left with.
I love those apples!
No, we don't.
The whole reason Toluca Lake isn't an orange orchard anymore
is because of Orson Wells.
You got from a long line of tragic Hollywood fruit tragedies.
I got you this rare orchid.
I've been meaning to give it to you for your birthday.
Now, it cost me 20 grand.
It's just beautiful, but I can't eat it!
It's a flower, you just enjoy it.
They shouldn't say it.
Places like this were built on the shoulders of giants.
It's more like they were
tread upon by the...
on the backs of little farmers like me.
Normal-sized many.
Normal-sized many.
Tiny, I've never been good with metaphors.
Those apples just had a crispy crunch.
It was so perfect.
They've never been refrigerated.
They've never had money in the world.
I know.
I never paid for one.
The system, really. The system is to blame.
And the system's gonna stop.
We have a Golden Globes party to get ready for.
You're right.
How am I gonna explain my face to them?
Listen, Clay, that's just crazy!
No, no, no! It's the same thing I've never come up with.
I can't be a part of the party to this.
It's the greatest planet I've ever set with these lips of mine.
Those ears of yours have hurt.
I'm just gonna walk in there and say,
I'm hurting. It's been a bad day.
I've lost everything.
Things are so tough for us right now.
That's right.
Oh, oh, oh, I just love it. I love it.
I love what you've done with this face.
Oh, it's fantastic.
It's like I don't know where to go to the bathroom.
There's so many choices and none of them are good.
I'm looking at you like you're a human toilet.
Maybe I am.
This is why I love you.
This is why I love your work as a being in the cosmos.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, I've been dealing with idiots all day.
Oh, tell me about it.
A variety called up asking to know about this movie and that.
Are you gonna do Starbats? The reboot?
You know what? I don't know.
It's up to me, not them, not the little folks.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sit in the chair that I designed and stare at the wall.
I would ask you to tell me what you see,
but I know that you are the most but guiding of beings.
And the answer would not suffice.
So I'm gonna ask you what you don't see.
Oh, you know what I don't see?
Anyone besides you who gets me?
You know?
I mean, you spend four years in school,
two years at an internship,
another three years at grad school,
five years writing grants,
getting grants from the National Endowment of the Arts.
No, they're so boring.
Two years at DC.
What was that?
What was that?
It's raining.
Oh, gross, it's raining.
What are we supposed to do? Oh, God, I'm getting all wet.
I don't know. It's like, we are the toys.
I don't know.
They're raining itself.
Michael, what is happening?
It's okay. I don't know.
I don't know. I feel so many different things right now,
and I love every one of them.
I don't. I'm getting wet. This is shitty.
Jesus.
Sometimes roofs aren't the most important thing.
Yeah, no, we definitely need roofs.
We only do without the ground.
That's the thing in which we stand apart.
No, no, no, like, okay, all right.
Like, let's take it back to basics.
Our house needs a roof.
Oh, does it? Does it?
Yeah, no, it kind of really does. This is not good.
I do know some good filters.
Really? Yes.
Because I'm looking for something with two bedrooms
and central air.
Okay. You don't even know what houses have, do you?
Thomas.
Thomas, you're a real goat-getter.
I appreciate you meeting me in my office, please.
Take a seat.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for inviting me in.
You got it.
A lot of people around here say things.
Okay, great. Yeah, that's a lot of buzz in the office.
I like that part of the house.
This floor is just wide open and kind of partly down.
They're saying certain things.
And all I want to say to you is,
if you do indeed like peeking at pickles,
there might be a place for you in upper management.
Sir, I... No, no, no, no, no. I get it.
Use the memo pad. Write it down.
I'll burn it after.
If you don't want to say what you think and feel and desire...
No, no, no.
This man has an eternal crisis.
Let's hear what it is.
Okay, yes, I like to look.
But, I mean, it's something I just do for me.
It's kind of like things me feel powerful,
but I can't share it with him because then it's gone.
The thing that I love to do is gone.
Now it's out in the open. It's exchanged.
It loses its currency. What do we do?
Look like you're lost in thought.
I just like to do a cost-benefit analysis on the floor.
Let me tell you a story of the first time that I peaked.
What, sir?
It looks...
1975, Vietnam.
They say Charlie's coming over the ridge tomorrow morning.
I hear there's going to be sending us back home soon.
Oh, my God.
What are you looking at?
Beautiful thing in the world.
My belly tattoo?
Go further south.
My belt buckle from the state of Texas?
Oh, no. We're talking near the Galapagos.
Oh, that scar I had from that doctor in Cambodia.
Then and only then it was like staring at a hardened apple core.
On the end of a steep knife.
Knife was cutting up in the air.
The end of it was the apple.
It was stabbing it.
It was like a metaphor for war itself.
Right.
It's the only thing that had ever been since in my life.
In war time, men have to do what they have to do to get...
God damn it, corporations are over time.
Business is over time.
And I thought you understood.
I thought that you knew how to look at the truth and say, oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks, everyone, for coming out to Thunder Time.
The convention for everyone who loves thunder
and various weather patterns that cause thunder.
Our first speaker is someone who, believe it or not,
was afraid of thunder as a child.
But over Katelyn.
That's right.
That's right.
Mr. Mandrake himself.
Listen, I'm not doing the noise.
I'm not doing the noise.
I'm not doing the noise.
I'm not doing the noise.
I'm not doing the noise.
It doesn't scare me anymore.
Did you not hear what she said?
All right.
Yes, I was afraid of thunder.
I said, that doesn't work.
That's why I spent all my time in my room doing voice.
The voice is the voice.
I'm not going to do the voice.
I'm not going to do the voice.
I'm not going to do it.
I'm not going to do it.
Good question.
Yes.
What do you think that if storms had the noise,
people at least had one?
That's a good question.
Great question.
I'm going to put in the quotes on the sound.
I'm a classical trained actor.
I've done many things with my life.
I started in Vietnam.
I rode for stars and stripes.
It still counts.
What is mansion?
Not being judged by the one stuff he did?
The awesome thing he did?
The best thing he did.
The best thing he did.
The best thing that I did was the voice.
Not the voice.
My little boy.
My little boy.
What's he sound like?
Woo!
Watch it!
