Oh my God, I haven't done one of these in a while.
So bear with me, I'm just warming back up to it, but still.
This has been a really, really tough year.
2017 will go down as the worst year of my life.
So how this year started, I was fired from something that I loved, but then to stick
up for me, nobody really stuck up for me, then in March, it hit its climax in terms
of needing support from the government, so I finally got a psychiatrist out of UBC,
but that took about like several months after that incident happened, and I'm still like,
I had four hospital visits, just for mental health, just in this year.
I'm just awestruck by how people just don't care about mental health, building government,
and in the general public.
If you remember, there was that ad a couple of years ago about like, what is it?
There was a guy that got hit by a car, and instead of like, instead of like people going,
does it rush to help them, they just said, ah, he's faking it, and they just walk right
on past the person.
That's what people are doing, the mental health, and I wish that ad was on YouTube, so I could
show it to you in the link in the description, but I can't find it.
That ad was so powerful because that is how people think about mental health, and that
is just, no, you need to open your mind up to think he might be doing something for some
specific reason, and he's not just stubborn, because that's what drives most people away.
And people think you're stubborn because it's just your personality.
When people start on that trap, you just lose so, so many people.
The government support here in British Columbia is just terrible.
Back in the late 90s, they kind of scrapped the whole mental health division, and then
they like, the whole Riverview Hospital that people are supposed to go to when they have
dire mental health needs, that got shut down in the late 90s.
I was diagnosed in the late 90s, so where's the support?
When I turned 18, there was no support.
There was only social workers to help me do basic stuff that you're supposed to do when
you reach adulthood, but nothing on confidence, nothing on mental training, nothing on cognitive
behavioral therapy that I needed, I'm on 25 milligrams of esoteric pram.
What am I really supposed to do?
Like, distract yourself.
That's the big thing.
Distract yourself.
If you can distract yourself, then you can kind of gweasel your way through.
That's what I tried to do in the first half of this year.
I tried to make a video resume for Linus Tech Tips that you will see right below this video,
because that was my last video, didn't turn out well.
I got a reply, it was a rejection letter.
Then came the problems with overclocking my computer.
I could afford it a little bit more than if it were new processors, but I kept making
mistakes at the same time, and my little friends that I had didn't tolerate those mistakes.
They said, why the hell are you overclocking?
You're not following the norm.
You just got to think for a moment.
When you're passionate about something, you got to do it to keep yourself sane.
And my new processor is shipping.
This is at stock right now, but I'm going to try to make another video to successfully
overclock the thing this time, but it's just so much, so much has gone wrong.
I've wasted resources in terms of peer support.
I am not a good person when it comes to getting peer support, because people in terms of,
oh, this guy is just so full of it, I don't want to be near this guy anymore.
And unfortunately, this is a situation many people with mental health face.
If you don't have support from your family, then you're going to have to look for support
in your friends.
And unfortunately, not many friends have the tolerance to deal with so much stuff, especially
if you have abusive parents, which are from traditional cultures.
I don't mean just Asian, I mean Southern Texan and even people in England with traditional
values won't accept anything other than you as white collar person in society, full time
job and just completely no need for support.
When you have no need for support, then you are an actual functioning member of society,
so we don't have to worry about you, we can be friends with you.
And unfortunately, most people in this world are like that.
You will find the rare ones that might have a little bit more sympathy than a traditional
person, but the majority of the world is not going to give a damn.
I'm sorry, if you don't want to hear that, the most of the world really doesn't give
a damn.
People who have gained success easily, and then there's those who worked for that success,
they both end up in success, but then do they want to care about other persons problems?
No, not unless they're an actual professional psychiatrist or psychologist.
Most of this year, people didn't give a damn.
Most of this year, it was stupid bureaucracy, holding up my way to get actual help, and what
do I get for it?
Nothing.
I didn't get any progress for up to the end of this year, which I finally got a job, but
that's happening next year.
So I will say again, 2017 was the worst year on record for me.
I lost 19 friends, close friends, all the friends that I've gathered from all these
years through doing so many conventions and going to so many fandom meetups that gained
back some of my confidence, God, all God.
I cry at night sometimes because it is so hard.
And when you factor on parental abuse, because your parents don't know better, because heck,
if you were going to stay in a tradition, you're going to stay in the traditional way
of teaching.
And there's no way you can really change someone to be something else if they've been grown
into the sort of traditional thinking.
Everyone's been telling me to move out, but if you stack on the beatdowns and confidence,
the beatdowns in terms of your loser, it's your fault, you are the problem, you don't
want to change.
Once you say something like that to someone who's had such hard times, you can't take
that amount of people literally throwing you away.
This world, what is this world when people just throw you away because they think your
mental illness isn't real.
They think your mental illness is not the stumbling block to where your personality
and your habits are all causing you to just not be approachable, not be a functioning
member of society.
And I'm pretty much bouncing off what everyone has said to me this past year.
You see how hard it is to actually keep yourself sane with all this stuff from all these people
and people who you actually trust then thinking, oh my god, this guy's so full of it.
I need to be with someone else.
I'm going to abandon you.
And I will say once again, our regional health support, terrible, absolutely terrible.
This region specifically where I'm living in, Burnaby has some of the most terrible
support ever.
And like Burnaby Hospital, I will mention Eddie Young.
Eddie Young in May of 2016 died because Burnaby Hospital, because it's being treated like
a community hospital rather than a city hospital, just literally doesn't care because they don't
have the funding, yet Derek Corrigan, our mayor, is trying to make the city into a new downtown.
And you're forcing people out of the street with mental illness, with the beds overcrowded,
terrible staff, and it's a perfect storm for something absolutely terrible.
I've already spoken to an MLA's assistant about this, I'm going to have an appointment
sometime next year, but then again, it's still next year.
Who gives a damn about the government when you can't do anything about it when you've
been trained to not talk about the government as a communist bred kid?
And that's been in my blood for so long that I had to break that habit just in the last
month.
And my fourth visit and most recent visit to Burnaby Hospital, absolutely terrible.
So I have to speak up about that.
But then it's also about other people, who gives a damn about your issues?
Fix yourself before you talk to me is basically what everyone else is saying to me.
Who gives a damn is not the way to have a better world.
Peace does not come from not giving a damn.
Peace does not come from ignoring other people's problems.
You can say the same thing that, well, if you're saying it, then you should do the same practice.
You're basically a hypocrite for saying this.
If I'm a hypocrite, then why does mental health factor in on why people behave certain ways?
And it's this stupid conflict in ways of thinking that really, really causes so many issues.
This year can go to hell.
This year can go to hell, literally.
I've been talking nonstop about everything that has gone wrong in this year.
And this year, they were talking last year about it going to hell because so many famous
celebrities died.
This year for me was like every part of my soul kept dying one part after another.
So I wish you a happy 2018, but I'm going into 2018 with not much left.
I'm a shell of my original self.
I'm a zombie because of my meds, and what am I supposed to do?
My remaining friends are a little more tolerant of the flaws, but losing that many friends?
Can you imagine losing pretty much everything you loved?
And I can see people like from the Fukushima and the Sendai disasters.
I can definitely sympathize with that, even though I didn't go through an earthquake
just yet.
Knock on wood.
I'm closing out this video.
I just want all of you to know mental illness is a complex web.
And sometimes when that complex web interferes with others way of self thinking of who you
really are, distrust, unknowns, and all those things combined just causes other people who
are neurotypical to just say they've had enough.
Unfortunately, this has the terrible side effect of you are not worthy.
You don't deserve to be my friend and just get over yourself as replies.
That's not healthy.
Saying that to others is not healthy.
Rushing people off isn't healthy.
And even if you are at the end of your rope, don't abandon your best friends.
If they were really your best friends, they wouldn't abandon you.
If you have so many friends abandon you all at once, stay calm, clear your thoughts.
And take a moment, go outside, take a walk, and know that you existing on this earth is
better than what other people say about you.
Because that's the truth.
It's going to be hard to cut all of this and make it concise, but I'm going to try to do
it.
So as always, I will see you in the next video.
Good bye.
