Oh
Yeah, let there be light
There's a wonderful reason why we pay for electricity so we can continue to burn like definitely
a lot of life
Yes, indeed
Ah
Of course, you know what they say what the light actually represents, right? You don't know really
It illuminates an area so you can see where you're going and what you're doing
Okay, you know, so an area was once dark then you can see where you're going and you know
Philosophically if you have light in your life, then you you know where you're going you won't bump over obstacles and
All the other things that that can trip you up for life. And unfortunately
We all have those dark spots in our time
constantly have the lights off
Find ways to keep it burning
It makes sense. Yes
Oh
Okay, okay Charles, um, since there's two cameras you can look at either one you can interchange whatever you want
Just you know, I like the idea that if you can be like two people
And you can like say cut and then I can go over here and cut and then I can come over here
And make me feel like a real star
But I guess I'm not I'm a documentary
subject and not a star
But life isn't fair not today. So which is actually what I want to actually do
Talk about like how how life just deals you with
These all these things that we think is fair
But you just have to find a way to navigate through them. And so I'm going through the prostate
You know recovering out from cancer
But I'm and I had this interesting conversation with my father yesterday
You know because he's going through the exact same thing. Although he's much older 20 years older
Actually 25 years older and to know that we're both going through the same thing to me
I for more for him is like to me the way we were raised is like poetic justice for him
you know, he
Constantly used his his sexual prowess to you know to gain the to get satisfaction and
To you know enjoy his life and things of that nature and most most as far as I'm concerned was
Was inappropriate but
To see that he's going through all you know everything that you're going through and it's been a shitty life for me
What are you going down there? I've got my hands
I know keep talking don't worry about me. I care about you
I'm allowed to worry. I have my moments of in those those discretionary moments where I actually do
I'm sincere and I'm concerned. I have empathy and you know right now
I'm going through a pain a very painful time trying to recover
I have to be able to one to put that pain aside and care, you know, so I have to be concerned about what you're doing
He didn't I didn't get him by that either
So so I'm thinking yesterday to the fact that well 52 years that's
June 5th 52 years
That's my baby
And this life is life has been just it's been
You know, it's it goes fast
You see a lot of the monuments you see a lot of the trips in the road
You see a lot of the obstacles and and you just you just with me it was you know coming from the I call it a house of horrors
You know, we came from
Philadelphia hail from Philadelphia was raised in the
House very nice house, but it was raised in the house where it was replete with
Non-affection
No
Validation for one's existence or talents and skills
You know mom was a stay-in-home mom although she was a party animal when she met my father
So as she decided to stay home, but she told us one day she didn't want to have any kids and then my dad of course was a workaholic
And you know that we he was having kids basically out of because he just loves sex
He had a thing for sex, you know, you think it was you know, the whole family planning would kick in
So it would pop out, you know pop out eight kids
I'm the oldest boy second of the eldest so
I'm thinking of this as I talked with my father as he's very coherent now
He's his prostate cancer has advanced so much that
that he
his legs are immobile and
Not only his legs in mobile. He's confined to a bed
So he gets plenty of opportunity to think about what he's done and he's been in and I have a hospital
But I you know, I kept thinking why how is that the senior and junior is going through the exact same thing?
You know different times, I mean, you know a different ages. I'm going through much younger. He's going through much older
I think he's going to die from his
Because they caught his late and then I caught the caught minds, you know, just in time
But it's just funny as I was talking to him on the phone is he's describing certain events
And sometimes he wants to sound like the father of the year
It was almost different that he wants to play the father of the year, you know
And when he was an absentee father was an abusive father, you know
And not that I'm mad at him. I've forgiven him, but it's just I this is that this is the man that
That didn't believe to pass on certain things with his
To his children, you know, some work ethics and some, you know, some life ethics and some, you know
Give him some something to go on and say, hey, you know, I'm I'm I'm bad. I'm your I'm your pop
I'm going to be here, for example, you know, and
And and of course, back then in the day was kind of hard for African-American men to express that they were always workaholics and, you know, trying to excel past
Where the the typical white, you know, white
Influence would would gain would have traction and we wouldn't have much to go on but
Still in all
Still in all, it just it is I'm having this I'm having this thought is as well. How very interesting it is
And then I kept thinking, you know, you know, as he's telling me that there's some things he didn't do because
My mom and him didn't do because well, you know, they didn't want us to see it and I'm thinking lie
You know, my mind captures some images that you, you know, it's kind of hard that
To eliminate in my head, but
You know, when he tells me that, you know, he didn't drink, you know, he they they were the chronic alcoholics
the chronic alcoholics and they seem to take the light and and and finding their their their moments in the, you know,
You know, swishing around in the alcohol and everything else and
I always remember cases of balling times
And so they always get it, but they said he will always go out and party and then come back to the house
And I'm thinking, no, you oftentimes started that party in the house and then took it outside and
You know, that's and then, you know, telling me you never drink in the house. Oh, no, but that's that's his memory
I always didn't like it, but I kept thinking, well, you know, let's do this
I was doing this flashback in my head about
You know, just the just the kind of crap that I had to go through to deal with what we're dealing with and
You know from the times that that, you know, when they were drinking
Oftentimes, you know, dad would come home and he would he would have this fit
You know, if something would be out of place or his kids would be making some type of noise
And so, you know, his his way of dealing with it is to is to really just beat everybody
You know, just going to make sure that he makes examples of all of us. So we come home
We weren't making noise, you know, we weren't doing the regular things like maybe going to the bathroom
We couldn't come downstairs and we were kept caught downstairs. You know, we were prisoner of our own house
We couldn't come downstairs. So and I remember him coming home and he was standing the banister
He was standing downstairs and we'll be listening
and I'm having this this thought, you know, while
I'm having this thought while he's talking to me and I'm thinking, oh that you know
I'm trying to let these things go, but it's kind of hard
Wonder how my brother gets so screwed up in his head and that's how this whole thing started
I'm thinking, well, you contributed to this, you know, you wonder why my brother is an alcoholic and and my brother goes off on him sometimes and
No, you contributed to this. You didn't understand what what you created, but
Anyway
Anyway, so I'm going through the same thing he's going through and I'm thinking God life has just been just crazy
You know and not having the kind of livelihood that we we we usually have and so
You know, I I'm again my my I'm going back to the past
I'm my mind is going back to the past. I'm thinking you were the same one that let us let your your wife
You we had to sleep on the floor for four whole years grown almost
I mean, we were you know adolescent, you know going in the teenage we had to sleep on the floor. Oh
I mind you. There was some bedwetting issues going on, but we had to sleep on the floor
But you was you know punishing everybody. I don't know how much control you had then
But you didn't you apparently just thought well, you know, it's okay to agree with your wife
That there's just too much washing of the sheets too much changing of the beds too much buying the mattress and things of that nature
So you just decided, you know, I'll just let those kids sleep on the floor when her, you know
When the spring summer or fall and yet get out
Don't know me
See, I know what you trying to do you do trying to be newsy get over here get over here come here
Come here
Yeah
And you come here get up here get up here get up here because you because you turn in the way see how strange she is
Good kitty kitty
Good kitty
All right
You know she has she has her moments now
I'm waiting till I can get her to like, you know
Fixed breakfast
You clean the bathroom because she she I have to train her that she has to you know, she has to
You know foot her way. She thinks that's all she has to do is just be here
But I did teach you how to go grocery shopping because you got to go grow you you got to be the you get to go out
Then go show you get get my food woman
You lay up in my bed and just think that all you have to do is just be a cat
Okay, she just so precious anyway
so
anyway
So I'm having this flashback. So I'm talking to my father and
You know his father's day yesterday everybody was out enjoying their day and and
You know, I've been home several times and you know, I've
Reconciled a lot of things about how we grew up
And the man that he he was and the man that he's become
and
You know, and I just kept thinking over and over again how how apropos that we're both going through the
the same, you know, the same procedure and
I remember the Bible verse that says, you know, this this sins will be visited upon the third and fourth generation
You know, so it's like well, you know his
His proclivities got him into a lot of issues and so did mine and
And we both get to see this whole this whole play out this whole thing play out, you know
my my
my
Resolution in all of this is to is to make sure that that that this experience has been used to to reinvent myself to make some changes
and
And now that I won't have certain distractions and things, you know, then the little life would be much easier
It's almost should have happened 30 years, but
These things don't happen for, you know, as far as prostate concern that early, so
But you know, I'm again, I'm on the phone. I was just thinking this how
Just how it's completely the opposite, you know, how he was talking to me and I think wow
You know, I talked about the whole sleeping on the floor and
And how he would how he would come home and beat us kids because we were making this we were making noise and
You know how
How we used to have to stand to eat, you know, most you go to most people's houses
They're sitting around the table and you know, they're they're they're eating out of you know
Appropriate size trays and think of that nation. Oh, our food was given to us in bowls
You know and you know guests used to come over used to be so embarrassing when I reached the age of
Understanding and used to be so embarrassing to watch that happen
You know and these would be two folks who you know, when you see that when you walk in the house
It would be nice. It would be organized. It would be pristine
And my mom's friends, they were always the ones to come over and say they never knew that she had eight kids
Um, because she used to keep us well disciplined well out of the way. We were seen
Um, but not heard or we were heard sometimes and not seen
And they kept a really interesting balance on that but
You know, my dad, we were chuckling about some things with my brother and I thought wow, you know, this is my brother's
and I don't I don't
I don't condone everything that my brother is doing with my parents because
Well, you know, it's it's those things you have to you have to try to forgive and and you resolve it within yourself
And you're not making a big issue. You're certainly not being disrespectful to the parents
But I kept thinking
Well, you know, he's the he's kind of like the the the the person that embodies
All of what we wanted to say to my father and mother
You know, we a lot of us is gone away from the house when my brother comes and he reminds my father every time that
You know, what you did and you know, and um, you know, all the hurts and abuses and things of that nature
So my brother gets to have that say although we we would prefer that he reconcile this you get back
Get get past the obstacles that is that is hindering his progress in life get rid of the alcohol
um, and and get married, you know as kids, you know, so
but um
That's what I like about my brother. My brother and I we there was a time we used to have so much fun
It used to we used to have this this covert operation
You know and the last time I went home, I remind my father about this and he didn't
He didn't realize what we were doing although we were caught one or two times
And um, the other thing is the fact that we couldn't have the real food in the house
My mom and dad had the real food and so my brother and I were going this covert operation in the middle of the night
Or towards the early in the morning before anybody will wake up and you know
We we planned it out. We go get some chips. We get some drinks, you know
We try to bring some up if there was some you know cookies and candy
You know, we were going to bring all of this up and upstairs. I mean down from from downstairs upstairs
but we had to get downstairs first and
My father always made sure that he kept his door open had a mirror right there. It seems to be a trip in that house
You know used to be such a trip in that house
And so he used to watch his kids and make sure that we weren't going any place
We weren't supposed to go at he was more sometimes he was concerned whether or not the boys was going to go in the back
We're with the girls and you know, we didn't have that kind of interest that was his interest
And we won't speak on no more that one
You know and uh, you know the going downstairs and if the the valuables were downstairs, so
You know, so the mom and dad kept us upstairs. So, you know, but we used to
We used to take advantage of this
snoring moments and and and you know, mom and dad, you know, slump slump slump
insominance and sleeping in
And we we go out the door and we we'd slide down the wall
You know, we both look at you. You can hear the
Dun dun dun dun dun the whole mission impossible thing going on and then we slide
Keep on sliding down the wall until we get to the first left and the first left is the is going down is going down the stairs
and we have to be very careful not to make any noise and you know at the same time the the
anticipation about having real food in our bellies and just being able to go downstairs and
Look at all the things downstairs was a wonderland and adventure
And so we're we're we're we're there and we make sure we know where the noises were in the stairs and in the wall
so we just we had our hands on the wall and had our hands on the stairs and and
I mean had our we we knew where the stairs were that wouldn't make noise
So we we go over that go all the way down
And we hit one set of landing. We feel confident enough. We can go down there. We hit another set of landings
We keep on going and before you know it
We were practically running downstairs because it was like
And you know, I would look back upstairs this little square part
Look that I can see if my my father was upstairs, you know, if I could I didn't hear him story anymore
He can't hear that one. She's downstairs and then it was on
You know now my brother, you know, he's the kind of person. He wants to take everything
I just want to take a few and I was the adventurous. I want to look around in the living room
I want to go out on the dining room. I want to see what we don't get to see
You know, because usually we have to pass through that come downstairs and pass through the living room and pass through the dining room
And go through the kitchen and stuff like that. But you know, I think the kitchen was probably the thing we knew that knew the best
um because
You know, that's where the trash was and that's where my sisters had to wash the dishes and stuff like that
Then the next one was in dining rooms where we ate, but we didn't do a lot of exploring there
And the living room was definitely off off limits until unless we were going through it
So my brother grabbed up a bag and you know, you know, he he'd be bringing whole bags
He'd be bringing chips and everything else
He'd be bringing everything to eat so and several times we were successful until the first until
My dad catch caught on about the fact that we were there's some food being missing
I guess he kind of he got a he kind of let things happen and one day we were on our way upstairs with a
A bag in our hand and you know, we made sure that the bag wasn't making all that noise and we walk upstairs
We get to the second landing. I don't know. We had our minds focused on just the stairs
And then we look up and there he is
hands on his hips
And you know, it was that fight flight
syndrome going on is do we run
Or do we just you know, so
You know, he said come on. Do we you know, come I'm thinking. Okay. Well, you know, dad is hungry
We're fixing to have a part up in here. So come on upstairs. So we come upstairs and you know, he takes the bag and you know,
sets it up, you know
And he takes the bag and told him to tell my brothers and my brother and I to go in the room and
You know, he'll deal deal with that. So
And oftentimes his dealing with it was, you know, not often on the moment
It was like when he get good ready, you know, he'll let you sit on it and think about it that mom mom gets the information and she's
She's reminded us. Oh, you your dad caught you going downstairs
You're a bunch of thieves this that and the other thing and you know, she's on the phone telling her friends, you know
Oh, yeah, I was thinking wow
Okay
That would have been that would have been the
That would have been all right had it remained there
But then dad would have this momentary clarity about what happened about what his boy's doing
Then, you know, sometime it happened within a week. It happened two weeks. It could happen a month
It can happen six months that he'll go in this. I owe you one and before and when he goes there
If he had a bad day at work, his wife is not giving him some as if he didn't get enough having eight kids, you know
You know, whatever the case may be it was time to
To focus on one of those little ones and it's usually me and my brother, you know
And so, you know, he used to take snatches up, you know
Out of the rooms or wait till we go to sleep and then get the whaling on us and you know, and it's like
Okay, so again, I'm remembering this as I'm I'm having this
This recall with my father
And I'm trying to make amends for all of this stuff. I you know, for the most part
I don't want anything bad to happen to him not by my hands. Anyway, you know, what he's going through is pretty bad as it is
and
You know, it's funny again the senior and the junior is going through the same thing. He sound like he's being very
caring now. He wants to be involved in my recovery and
and
You know, he's you know, being a father, you know, he's he's you know, he's he's he's
He's receptive of my calling him and you know, letting him know that the fact that you know, you know
I want to talk to you dad and
Make sure that that he knows I have him in my thoughts but amongst the other thoughts that I'm having
But it's just it's just so funny going through that, you know
The house of horrors where all these things are happening and I kept thinking is this whole thing fair
You know, why is it?
Why is it that I had to go through all of this stuff?
You know, I mean
He spawned, you know a whole bunch of kids and then me
And then I went through, you know after graduating high school
You know, I went through a lot of stuff trying to figure out who I was, you know in the midst of
Trying to reconcile what was happening with my family
What was happening with me?
Got in trouble with the law unfortunately
Did a bunch of time. Unfortunately, that wasn't pleasant. I made it through
And it's funny. My dad has never been to jail for anything that he's ever done
Nothing and you know, I won't put his I won't put all of our business out on the street
But he's never been to jail for anything because I didn't grow up with a you know as far as I'm concerned
I didn't grow up with a backbone. I didn't grow up my the other thing about my father. I didn't grow up meeting his expectations
You know, and my brothers were the fighters. I was the creative one
I was the one that that that wanted to sing and dance and and you know produce and film and
you know
And they didn't they didn't like that idea at all, you know, particularly my mother
Even though we had entertainers in the house and stuff like that people
All these creative people in the house. They didn't want to even be like that. So
you know, so
Because I wanted to be something a little bit more creative dad just figures. Well, you know, I'm going to be this
fly-by-night fairy. I'm going to be this faggot, you know, and
I'm going to be everything he didn't want me to be
And you know, and that's a shame. I would have loved this. I have a support but
But you know, that's why I came to california and that was another mistake, you know, oh
Coming to california
He really had a call over that one all the
All the you know, it's funny. He likes he loves movie stars and stuff like that
but he figures california is for flaming
flaming homosexuals and and and you know people who
Are are weak in there and in there in there in their masculinity and you know, I'm thinking well, there's women out there too, but
India come here
And we're ready
Action again action
Oh, I love it. All right
I have to take some deep breaths. Yes indeed
Whatever is sitting at the bottom of my stomach is not
settling well, it will not allow anything else to digest and
Something feel like it's it's that alien that's floating around on my lining. It's not here
Do do the jaws thing
You'll see me going to one of those alien episodes
Something that looks like me pops out
I
That would be hideous
anyway
Oh, yeah, yeah
I do often feel like I'm about to give birth to something. I just don't know what it is
so
Anyway, so we're just doing a little reflective
And so, you know, I just didn't just to bring it to a close here
I
Do love my father, you know, I love him because of the fact that that he gave he gave us life and
You know and and he did the best that he could
Under the circumstances with what he had
Um, and I was raised in the 60s to where you know, you didn't have a lot of the
educations and the common sense and the sensitivities and the sensibilities that we have now is I mean advancing so many
Now that doesn't give him or anyone else permission for the kind of abuse that we went on that went on in the family
Either by his hands or my parents hands, so
You know, it is what it is
And he's dealing with it the best way he can I'm quite sure that that haven't been in and out of hospital and
and
the note the
To know that his mortality is about to come to an end
And and there isn't a lot of things he can do at this moment, but simply just
you know
Just reflect on his past
You know
Hopefully he's reassuring himself that that that
That all of his kids are are getting through getting by and we're dealing with it
We're all dealing with certain demons and issues
and
But as you know, we all got older we all have gotten to the point where we we forgive both of them and
They're not killed. It was the one time I thought I was gonna go into a whole serial killer mode and
but that was
25 years ago and and and that's only because I wasn't taking responsibility for the decision
I was making blaming him for what I believe he passed down
You know, and then of course there was other things not giving me structure and not giving me foundation
Not giving me the love and not supporting me in the things I wanted to do and yada yada yada blah blah blah
But I do forgive him. I understand what
Minds that he was in I don't agree with everything he did
Fortunately for me, I do have the ability to make some changes. I have my limbs. I have my mind. I have my arms
I have my faculties. I have my creative endeavors
I have my inspirations and my motivations and so I get an opportunity
That if this is a you know sign even though it's reminding me of what my father's going through and he doesn't have many choices
You know to change his behavior
And to do things he's bedridden and for the most part I think he's going to die in that position
But for me after all of this is done. I get to go back get have my health
enjoy
life whatever life has to offer
Um, make sure that I'm I'm I'm I'm making amends and making making peace with all of the caustic and toxic issues
That was going on inside of me
Be real with people be sensitive to people
Be responsible with people and you know and know that I have a
I have a I have a future have a goal and hopefully I can continue to be an advocate, you know
An example for people to get through it everybody has their
Your crazy lifestyle or crazy
You know upbringing
You know, you know abuse to one person is it's you know
It you know when I say abuse
You know you can do that in any form in in in a in a family, you know, so
You know, whether it's a psychological abuse and emotional abuse physical abuse sexual abuse
You know
And all of those things
And hopefully that my dollar my father would die in peace, you know, he'll make his amends to god, you know and
God will will welcome him with open arms and
And we'll we'll we'll see I'm not I can't be the judge of him, you know
I tried that route and it was it was tearing me up that I wanted to I wanted to exact judgment at my hands, you know
and
And my mother being an accessory, you know, she is
And she's going through it too, but
But no, no, they're both dealing with it. So, you know life is life is funny for me now life is really funny
I'm I'm I have these thoughts. I have these ideals about what I want to do and you know, I have wonderful friends
Uh that that that assure me of of my office in life and
You know, I'm going to get through all of this this mess
Pretty pretty darn soon. I'm not through with it yet. There's one more
Step I have to go through a pathology report to see whether or not the cancer spread to my hips and my
My lip noise and my hips and stuff like that
So, you know, I get I still do a lot of thinking as I'm going through pain trying to resolve and and and deal with that
But life is
You know
You know, there there's times in that pain where I keep telling myself, you know, why am I going through this shit?
You know, it's so easy
It's it was so easy just to take a bunch of sleeping pills and just knock yourself out
Deal with it and say I can't possibly go through another
You know
arduous, you know terrible challenging time
And even though I'd like to go through the surgery is like
Again, I gotta do all of this mess, but
I have my moments. I definitely have my moments and as soon as I I get through all of this stuff. I'll have one of my
I'll have one of my moments my what the what the f-moments, you know, you know things to make you go. What the
What the what was I thinking of? What was I doing? You know and
Uh
It's gonna be fun. It's definitely gonna be fun, but
Anyway
I hope everybody enjoyed it. Yes, enjoy me in pain
Hopefully you can live vicariously through me and say hey, I don't want to go through it
Whatever that man been through some will call a poetic justice. I'm getting back, you know, uh a lot of
A lot of you know
Get back from karma karma is kicking my butt at the moment. It's got me down
Uh, I'm hoping everybody says well, you know for those who know about my background and those, you know people who
Who may discover my background, you know, hey
You know, everyone has a time of redeem of being redeemed
You know, everyone has a time of being being set right and and everyone has a time of being
Reinventing their their their lives to to to mean something so
So this is definitely it for me. This is my this is my third time under the knife. I'm not going
I'm not trying to do this again. I am not trying to do this. Oh, you know, God is going to have to hear me on that one
but you guys
Here's one to grow on
Do right when the time that you have you only may have one choice to make the right decision
And if that means, you know reconcile some things to yourself
Reconcile some things with your parents reconcile some things with your friends
You may only get one time to do it
Because life is going to remind you
How precious it is and that you we only we only have just just just that one time
and so
Make the right choice
I'm going to sleep. My belly hurts cut
