Woo!
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Watch it!
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It makes me think of vandalism, because it's suburban. That's what you do in the suburbs.
Cape and school was a school in my hometown that, I guess, the town abandoned.
In the fourth grade, they were just like, yeah, we've got too many schools in Denham, so let's consolidate.
And I was at Cape and so they shut it down.
So it was just kind of this wasteland of a public school.
It was just empty. And so what you would then do as a young adult, a young teen,
is you throw rocks at the windows and drink beer in the woods.
And so one night we did.
And so the cops come as they always do.
And they're so far away from houses.
And it's just like eight kids drinking butt cans.
Well, I guess it would be a blast breaking if people go, what's the problem?
So I just saw my own crime.
So the cops come. And of course, I'm the only one who got caught.
We all ran, but my legs were the weakest.
We had to bathe in school where I grew up as well, right down the road.
And I broke into that.
And I guess at a young age, there was no alcohol involved.
And at this moment, a colleague, a friend of mine,
came up to me and said, who are you?
Ten!
For the next three years of my life, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen.
We break in and we're like in the bathroom of the first floor.
And he reaches down and they just completely abandoned the school.
So there was still rolls of toilet paper.
So he grabs the rolls of toilet paper, puts them here to affect breasts,
and says, hey, I have tits.
I went to a abandoned mansion where I grew up.
It's a really strange part of town.
It really feels like a school we do kind of in a car too.
It was a abandoned mansion.
They already called it the murder house, the ghost house.
And we went there and it was the creepiest thing in the world
because they had balloons hanging in the basement.
And then we went in with a flashlight and there was a mural of a monkey
eating a heart in the garden room.
And then all these books that were left there and notes in the books.
And then a car chased us.
And I remember I lit toilet paper on fire and threw it at them.
I bolted up and was like, what are we going to do?
They're chasing us.
And I was like, I lit it on fire with matches and threw it on there.
I was nine years old.
Nine to sixteen.
That was fun.
That's a crazy mural.
Yeah, it was.
It was just that.
It might have been a peach, but it was too real.
The electrician who came to help make my house not burn down
had apparently worked on the home two homeowners before.
And there was apparently some serious homoerotic art
painted full mural size in the master bathroom.
And we were doing a major remodel on this room last year
and I was so excited to see what was behind these giant mirrors
that had been put up to cover up this crazy homoerotic art
that the electrician was like, oh yeah, it was a home.
Like he got red in the face.
He didn't talk about it.
It clearly disturbed him.
So I'm like standing outside like the contractors are in there
about to bust down the mirrors.
There was nothing there.
Where was there?
I don't know.
Do you have anything?
Nothing.
No, do you have anything?
It's got nothing.
What are you, Troy?
I don't have an EMF.
No, but I mean, do you get anything up here?
You're the psychic.
Um, we're all right.
I don't get it, man.
This room's supposed to be a hotspot.
It's supposed to be a hotspot.
Well, I brought Troy.
Look, I know you had psychic blocks for a while,
but I think you just got to get back in the mix, man.
I read your book, man.
I read everything you wrote.
Oh, yeah?
Yes.
I got Sharpie.
Give me an autograph.
I'm not, I don't sit.
Oh, this is what you did at Carpentale Station, man.
That's right, man.
Let's get 84.
Yeah, at Station House Ghost.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
You see, that Carpentale Ghost is the most erotic ghost you've ever seen.
Nothing?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Listen, we paid you $500 so we could go to this virginity to do a ghost.
That's right.
And we could do it in a mostly cash way.
Watch.
Because I'm sick of telling them to starve on my conquest and even to have some of his own.
I want to have sex with a ghost.
You're going to make it happen.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
Give me another $1,000.
Wow, man.
I'm going to get out.
What is this, Vegas?
Yeah.
Yeah.
We're in Los Vegas.
All right.
You guys have it on.
Is it OK?
$500.
Yeah, it's fine.
Do we have to do ghost cane?
What's that?
Ghost cocaine?
No.
Not at all.
Thank God.
You want to do it next week?
Troy, what are you doing?
I'm doing something.
No, it's not a safe place.
Look at them.
They sound sexy at all.
No, no, it's not.
Don't look at it.
Don't look at it.
Hold on.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Troy, happy go, everybody.
Enjoy Vegas.
We're in God's.
No.
Not a safe place.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
I didn't think there was anyone left in this life-drawn class.
Today's class is the classic male form.
Lydia, did you ring a charcoal?
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Lydia, did you ring a charcoal?
Are you working in colors today?
I'm working in black and white.
Just trying to get some clarity on the universe.
It's just that I thought they shut the school down,
so I didn't think anyone was going to come,
and I didn't think that...
Okay.
So you just came there in the hopes that no one would show up?
I needed the money.
Yeah, I thought no one was going to show up,
but I need the money, so...
I certainly did wear a lot of layers.
Yeah, I'm not really comfortable with myself,
so this was kind of, you know, a step off the ledge, if you will.
Are you finishing up from last week?
Yes, these grapes are taking me a lifetime.
Orbs were always your bugaloo.
Right here I am.
Would you like us to call you subject,
or would you like to share your name?
My name is Terrence.
Terrence?
Do you want me to strike an athletic pose,
or just kind of stand here and let it all hang out?
Terrence, you seem upset.
I'm just not very comfortable with myself and my body.
Nobody ever told me I was pretty in my life,
and I believed them, so...
You believed the silence?
Yeah.
But you know, so this was kind of a double-edged sword thing,
you know, maybe triple-edged.
Yeah.
Needed the money, wanted to get out there a little bit,
and hey, maybe if I put it all on the line,
you guys won't snick or laugh in point.
Maybe.
It is just the beginning of class.
I hadn't expected this many skin tags, I will say.
It's just more orbs for me to tag.
Oh!
I've had them since birth, it's a defect, it's not...
No, no, it's just...
It's nurture, it's nature, it's nature, it's not her.
I wouldn't call it a defect, it just is.
I haven't seen a chin that soft in quite a long time.
Yeah?
Thanks.
I think that was more for Lydia, but no problem.
Your left hip is prominently higher than your right.
Yeah, I got dropped.
And those hands, well, they could just be hands.
Yeah, they were the last thing to come out when I was being burned,
so they got stretched.
You do have what is commonly referred to as forceps face,
because they come in and pull.
Yeah, it was weird, it came out like I was going face first down a slide,
and then just the hands, the hands, the hands.
It's an innate grabbing ability that we all have.
Well, I think you're doing a great job, Terrence.
Thanks.
I don't know if you should encourage him.
Look, he's got a weak spine.
Everything's out of proportion.
It's a bifidon.
Even his aura is just dull.
Well, he's a classic pallid.
I'm not familiar, a pallid?
A pallid, meaning almost without blood.
So, yeah, I would stick out the front drain,
and I'll just kind of do all the drains in the house,
but I'll be done in about a half hour.
Okay.
I just want to let you know, I worked here five years ago.
Why are you doing the thing with the flashlight under your face?
It's a tiny afternoon.
You weren't here five years ago, I was.
What happened five years ago?
Let me ask you something.
You ever hear that mama too scared to submit a bill afterwards?
I certainly have not.
That was peaky.
What happened?
All 250 pounds Vietnam fed of me.
Scared shitless.
You lost a lot of weight.
You actually got some weight.
Here's the thing.
I thought it was a childless couple that I was coming to sleep in the drain.
And they actually have like a ghost baby.
Oh, a ghost orphanage.
What?
In this house?
In this very house.
Where did they put all the crayons?
If you pulled up that carpet, you would see so many ghost baby footprints.
I'm calling your blood, mister.
I don't know.
Okay, I'll do some, I'll, I'll, I know you're busy.
I'll sneak out the kitchen.
Well, now all I want to do is pull up this carpet and see the ghost baby footprints.
Oh, man, John, the intense practice is fantastic.
Oh, who's this little gruffian?
Oh, this is the plumber.
Oh, is that what he is?
This is, this is Michael, he's my companion.
Hello.
Pleasure to meet you.
You got it, you got to meet him all the way.
So, Sean, today is the French season.
Did you know that a parrot will come back?
Did you know?
Oh, ghost story, I love a good test.
See, some people get, some people get, they're saying a fucking joke.
Oh, is he from The Evil Times or some such-to-dinner theater?
Where's the cameras? I love it.
He was telling, he was telling.
Oh, what was he saying?
You're going to make a joke, I'll just go snakey-grace and submit the video.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
You're blocking the ghost off and it's a YouTube fraud.
Oh, I love baby ghosts.
Yeah, keep going, keep going.
Well, you know why there are ghosts.
Because they're dead.
The shocker of the two.
Oh.
But you know how they die.
In a terrible fashion.
A fire of loneliness.
Oh, I love this game.
Keep going.
A fire of loneliness in this very house.
Oh, my God, you struck a chord with me.
I've never loved me, I get it.
This guy's good.
I'm just saying, I know your laundry room.
I installed that hookup for the washer and the gas thing to the dryer.
I like one on top of the other.
I think it takes up too much space.
But if I stacked them, you know what you find with the dryer now?
Six more baby ghosts.
See, you kind of foreshadow it when you go to the...
The bathroom.
I'm leaving.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Ravi! Ravi!
Ravi!
Ravi!
Ravi!
Ravi!
Oh, yeah, we say Ravi.
Ravi!
Ravi!
We have a student exchange kid, Ravi.
We got to get Ravi down.
We got to get Ravi down.
Oh, my God!
We got over it.
Five minutes.
But then after Ravi, no more guys.
This is our secret spot.
Oh, Ravi!
Oh, could you imagine Ravi talking about the ravine?
Hi!
Hi!
Ravi!
Ravi!
Ravi!
I have countries like full of ravines.
Oh, yeah, full of poisonous water.
Do you see in the pictures and shows with his family,
they really live in squalor.
So it's squalor.
We're talking about ravines and ravines.
I thought you were saying the company's...
The ravines in Ravi's country.
Oh, Ravi's country.
Maybe you shouldn't bring him here because it's scary.
Oh, but Cory, they will make it fun of him.
It's scary.
It's true.
Oh, Ravi!
Oh, Ravi from ravine.
Yeah.
I think he's dead.
Yeah!
Can we get it up?
Nope.
He can still get up.
Yeah, Ravi can take his place.
Show him what people...
Guys, cops!
Everybody quiet!
Oh, well.
Well, well, well.
Looks like we've got the bone crew
out of the ravine again.
Ravi!
Ravi!
You have Ravi in custody?
He's got Ravi in custody?
What does Ravi do?
He's a good kid.
Ravi turned himself in prematurely.
He said my friends in the bone crew
are going out to the ravine.
And they're going to make some bad decisions.
They sent me, officer Rodgerson,
out here to tell you
that fact.
Ravi's getting deported.
Yeah, he's going back to ravine.
Yeah.
So you know we're the bone crew?
That's right.
I want to uncover your plot.
Ravi told me all about it.
Do you know why we're called the bone crew?
Why don't you remind me?
I just want to see how much you know.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Right down here.
Because the ladies have never met a bone in the bone crew
they didn't like.
Yeah!
Ravi!
Ravi!
Get back here!
Get back here!
Get back here!
Well, it looks like
another one got murdered up at the old
Hill House.
Aw.
You ever did care for that house?
No. Seems like they just keep
working and kids keep dying in it.
Location, location, location!
There's a term
used in real estate.
It did care
for real estate.
Dirty business,
unwashed
moneys,
door bills,
and envelopes.
That's why you made your fortune
in laundromats.
My currency round
still looks good colored.
On the wall we see it
festooned with amateur stitches
days of yore.
It's almost like wallpaper.
I knew when that
new couple went into that home
there was trouble
brought in.
Well, after the terrible things
that happened in our house.
Ungodly things.
Horrible things.
Crimes against man and dog.
Crimes you don't need to write down
and say don't do.
Born knowing not to do those things
unless you came out like your lady's
mother's love canal was a slide.
Cams.
Last.
Beaumont.
Yes, Mr.
Gessing your name.
Thank you for the acknowledgement Mr. Beaumont.
Mrs.
Beaumont.
A bit of a pause there.
It's the
Ucascale
of Carle.
Beaumont.
What's going on?
You're at me highly
unusual.
I'm just a little upset about what happened
at the house.
Well, I don't see why.
I've been on the other side of the door.
That's why we don't have a window in it.
I've said too much.
I'm just a little out of sorts.
I forget that people's married names
are changing over so quickly.
Just so we're sure, you're not
plotting to kill us in our sleep
or during our love marriage.
How do you even go through the drawing
room again?
Tell him to go home.
Just come out and finish tea.
If you were to kill us during
the Marital Congress that we
so enjoy.
Barbara does not harbor those
thoughts for his
female employer.
You're unfinished business
is that your butler killed you.
There, go home!
Shall I set up your creamage table?
Oh, please.
And make sure to check the fourth leg.
It's rather loose.
I'll check that fourth leg.
I think it's day like savings time.
They're an hour behind.
That's why it's taking so long.
You're not going to believe this.
I really appreciate you
hearing me out on this
and bringing your nurse in.
Of course.
No, no.
Did you want him to leave?
No, no, no. I know you have to have
somebody in the room, a secondary person
when you see the genitals
of a man.
I don't have to.
It's just for your comfort
if you'd like a male in the room.
I'm happy to have one here.
But I'm perfectly comfortable with a male.
I saw things
and I did things that night
and I don't know where they ended
and I began.
I don't know.
I think I fucked a ghost.
Don't worry, your friends are dead.
Guys,
you're the hottest ghost I've ever seen.
You're the first ghost I've ever seen.
Oh, the guy can see your heart beating.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
I learned it.
I learned it by watching truly.
Sure.
That was your bruise all along.
Yeah, he wanted to die soon.
He could be the one to take the virginity.
See you, Troy.
So, there I was.
In the middle of this actual sandwich,
not knowing what to do.
And I just gave into it.
There was ectoplasm.
I think it was ectoplasm everywhere.
I had that loose a lot of liquids
and I just think that I need to know if I have...
Go ahead, drop your pants.
Yeah.
Sorry, I put on a lot of layers.
Oh, were you going to do some new modeling later?
Yeah, but Grover's still high.
I thought that place was closed.
It closed.
I don't like it for it to glow.
Whoa, easy.
Easy.
All right.
Troy.
Troy, too.
You can see me.
I'm alive.
Troy, keep the glove on, boy.
What are you doing?
What are you doing to it?
Troy, put it back on.
We're going to be doctors, man.
Yes.
And men can be nurses.
Well, we can all get along.
Troy, what did you do to me?
What did they do to me?
What did I do to myself?
You didn't believe in me.
You didn't believe in me.
You didn't believe in the spirit world.
So if I would have believed in you,
you wouldn't have fucked me?
Easy.
I don't know where your father is.
He took a job.
He said he was just going to go snake a drink.
I know that.
And then he's going to come back here.
Charles, Charles, I know that.
I wrote a little note in his lunch that I packed for him.
And I wrote, it was a little cartoon
that I drew of us having dinner as a family.
Did I say smiling?
You were all smiles.
Your smile was so big it burst out of your round head.
I like when you drop me that way.
Well?
He's always home by 5.30.
I know!
He was only smoking that drink.
Stop repeating the same thing.
I know. You're the man of the house, Matt.
What does that mean?
It means you have to go fix money and drink.
Oh, I'm home.
Oh, hey!
Sit down and forget what we just said.
Did you snake a drink?
Yeah.
What is snaking a drink?
Let me tell you something sad.
Hello!
It wasn't so much the elbow grease this required.
It was the homeowners.
We didn't need to buy fluorescent bulbs.
If you're going to do that every time you're going to tell a story.
What were they like?
Charles, sit down.
I can't.
He's covered in what might be ectoplasm.
I'm sorry.
I could have dinner.
You can just relax.
I want to hear about the homeowners.
A graveyard of children your age or younger.
What do you mean?
He's going to be up all night and pulled up his own urine.
All they wanted to do was laugh.
Cackle.
Why would they laugh?
That's crazy.
They should be scared of baby orphans.
That's right.
And then what?
I just snaked their drains and left.
Did you get paid this time?
I was too scared.
Woo!
Thank you guys so much for coming out.
I'm your trophy hot bitch, special guest.
It's really tricky.
Let's give it up for our mom, our wife, here today.
Patrick Shane, it's his birthday.
Give him a round of applause.
Happy birthday, Patrick.
Happy birthday, Patrick.
Happy birthday, Patrick.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Captain.
Happy Birthday to you!
