These words are compensation for the two low blows
This server sticking plasters for your broken bones
Defend of sticks and stones
Now you have a store and goods and sleeping pills
But gave you all the blaster by no people's skills
Too much time to kill
I'm not here to plead forgiveness for the stupid things I do
But I bring this song to you by way of apology
As the Lord shall be my witness
I know our dreams will come true
And I bring this song to you
My poor name is Allison McKay Baker
And I'm 18 years old and I've lived in a hauler
Called dry fork my entire life
My dad he worked in the commons
And he was in a commoning accident
And he got killed
And I was around eight, nine months old at the time
So it was just me and my mom after that
My mom was strict to say the least
She had just anger problems
I guess you could say that she needed to work out
I was raised in a very religious household
And growing up I was always scared of my mom
Because if I did something then I would get severely punished for it
A lot of people say they're abused
But I mean if your mom grabs your arm and squeezes it so tight
That you're literally crying and begging her to stop
And you're honest to God afraid that your arm is going to break
I don't think that's the best example of motherly love
Constantly scared to be around that person
You don't want to have a relationship with them
So I went to middle school and it was good for the most part
Sometimes people would question as to why I didn't dress girly
As to why I decided to wear your boyish clothes
Which I never could understand
Because I think it's kind of stupid to put gender roles on clothes
Going into high school I was just this very shy and awkward girl
I never really talked to people
I had a few friends but I never like extremely talked to people
I wasn't social or anything
And conflicts at the house got worse
During this time I was homophobic I guess you could say
Because I was raised up if he was like that and he was just this terrible person
I was raised to believe that gay people were essentially rapists
So I was taught but I started developing a crush
I mean that's what it was, it was a crush on this girl
And I would say it was the most terrifying and heartbreaking thing
And I remember just laying on my couch and crying for hours
Simply because I had a crush on a girl and it meant I wasn't straight
My family will kill me if they find out
Not necessarily my family but just my mom will literally kill me if she finds out
This can't happen
I refused to believe I couldn't be straight
Had a very hard time accepting it
I remember just going home and crying after school
When you're raising in a church your entire life and they scream that
If you're gay you're gonna burn in hell forever
I started developing depression pretty badly
And by freshman year you know I was pretty sad I guess you could say
I was depressed as it was and then when I found out that I liked girls
And I was too scared to talk to anyone so I just kept it a secret
I wouldn't talk to anyone about it
I was too scared of how they would react
I knew I wasn't gay because I liked guys and girls so I thought I was bisexual
But then I just read and I was like I'm pansexual
Which is essentially where you like any gender like it doesn't matter
I don't really care about gender I just care about the person
I didn't really have anyone to talk to at that time
I just would go home and stay in my room
Me and my mom you know same relationship
We never really talked we only fought
But I was proud by this point
I was proud to say I was pansexual
I wasn't ashamed of it anymore
But I decided that if like something amazing didn't happen
Then I was probably just gonna end my life that winter
Because I was so tired of everything
I found out I had gender dysphoria
Which is essentially when you're in a body that you don't feel like
You belong in
This made me realize I was transgender
Eventually I'm gonna transition from female to male
Basically I'm a guy but I'm in a female body
Like it's very difficult to describe it
I think it's I should have been born as a guy not a chick
And I mean it is hard to process when you feel like you aren't in the wrong body
Like it really fucks with you
It really bummed me out
I didn't want to be transgender
Because gender dysphoria it fucks with your head
This was still in fall of junior year
I'd become very close friends with this one girl
She told me that she had a friend that had like a crush on me
And I was like oh that's cool
And I met this person and I thought they were pretty cute
They looked at me and they said I like your face
And I just looked at them back and I went I like your face too
That was the first conversation we had ever had
And we just kept talking and I asked them out
And so we hooked up her family that she lived with
Was very homophobic
So we knew we had to keep it on the down low
And it was a very scary time
Because I was extremely happy that I was in a relationship with someone that I think is amazing
But at the same time I was still very suicidal at that point
And I was just thinking you know either two things are going to happen
Either one, well one, I'm going to end my life at the end of the year
And then completely destroy and scar this human being for the rest of their life
Or two, maybe something amazing will happen and they'll change me
And blah blah blah blah blah it'll be a happy story
And so we kept dating and I'd never really opened up to anyone before this point
But they got me to open up
My depression started to decline and I gradually found myself getting happier
My girlfriend's guardian read messages between me and my girlfriend on my girlfriend's phone
She had snatched it out of her hands and was able to see that me and her were still in a relationship
And they seen that I was transgender
And they took those messages to my mother at work
My mom found out that I was pansexual in a relationship with a girl and that I was transgender
From that, her reading text messages, private text messages between me and my girlfriend
And I remember being at band practice after school and my mom texted me and was just
Riding home with me tonight
And I just remember sitting down and crying
To this day, I don't know if I'll ever really feel that fear that I did when that happened
And I remember walking out and getting in the car with my mom and her turning to me and just being like
I've heard you've been lesbianing with so and so
And it's a really funny thing now that she would word it like that
But at that time, I just remember not knowing what to say
No one ever tells you how to react to things like that
She just kept screaming and screaming and screaming
I remember her saying that she called me a child molester and a rapist
Simply because I'm transgender and simply because I'm in a relationship with a girl
I remember telling my mom I didn't choose to be gay
I looked at her and I said, I've nearly killed myself because I'm gay
If I could choose not to be gay and trans, I would and heard just to look at me and laugh after me telling her that
After that happens, you kind of lose all want
My mom basically was just screaming the entire time
And I remember just being so fucking scared
So I got some clothes together and I was ready to leave but she looked at me and she was like
Basically, I was kicked out, I was kicked out of my home for being transgender and for being pansexual
And this was on my birthday, my 18th birthday
The next day I went to school and I was able to talk to my girlfriend
She said that her guardian was going to press charges against me on the account of rape
I was going to be tried of rape simply because I'm in a relationship with someone who has the same type of body as me
I would say that that's one of the lowest points I had ever reached in my life
The only thing that I could hold on to at that point was the person, was my significant other
And if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be sitting here today
I switched between friends' houses for a while but I realized I didn't have a solid place to go
So I did have to move in back in with my mother
We constantly fought over it for a little while but eventually she told me that I wasn't actually gay or trans
That it was just a phase I was going through
Luckily the charges were never put against me
I'm not the monster that so many people view me to be
People like me to be, we're not monsters
We're literally just human beings trying to make it in the world that hates us so much
We just want to be ourselves and to just live our lives
So I'm not the monster that so many people believe me to be
I'm a guy trying to live my life
I have reasons to live and I'm not scared to live now
And I'm going to go to college, meet some friends
We're going to get a house that's our home
And I'm not scared to be trans anymore
I'm not scared or ashamed of it
I'm proud that I am
I was born in Wask County, Virginia on August 21, 1997
I'm 18 years of age getting ready to turn 19
And my name is Oliver and my full name is Oliver Mako McKay Baker
And that's my name from this point on
The day is getting on
The market trade is packed away
And when the hour's been gone
I listen for your football on the stand
I'll never hear your voice
Call up to me again
And love is an addiction that makes beggars of us all
And I shall take whatever comes my way
