Woo!
Music
Watch it!
Music
Alright, pineapple juice.
So there's an awful or great, depending on your opinion, rumor about pineapple juice in the male anatomy.
It makes a certain thing that comes out of a man taste different.
This is a fucking disgusting story.
This is asparagus. No, this is a certain thing, a little asparagus.
Guys, I was gonna make steamed and taste sweet.
Figure it out on your own. I'm not in charge of you guys.
I used to bartend at a breakfast place, and people would order pineapple juice for breakfast.
And I was pouring one, and this guy was sitting at the bar with his girlfriend, and they were kind of drunk.
And she was kind of spilling out of her top.
They were very much Sherman Oaksie.
And I'm just making it for her customer, and the guy goes,
Hey, you're making pineapple juice, huh?
Like, yes?
He's like, yeah, I know what's up.
I'm like, and she's like, yeah, make it come sweet.
I'm like, it's Sunday! Relax!
Fucking gross.
I was at a wedding, where there was tons of asparagus,
and a friend of mine threw a very, very gross Sherman Oaksie to the bone.
Every time I went to the bathroom, and you know, there was a couple of times,
he came back and probably declared,
I'm talking about the smell of the urine in the asparagus,
and he didn't come back and just announced it to the world,
I just smell Dick Fawkes.
Oh, God!
When I first moved here, I lived in Sherman Oaksie.
What else?
I never lived anywhere but the valley.
Yeah!
That's right!
It's not the wrong way. Do you have senzalaceae? You're okay.
I just want to stick up for the valley.
Go ahead, please.
Fuck the valley!
I've been drinking a lot of beet juice, baked my own juice,
because that's where the action is.
And the action is the juice.
And any fans of heat will know that, right?
Anyway, so I've been making a lot of it, and I really enjoy it,
but it's never not disconcerting.
It's double negative.
It's disconcerting.
No, it's always disconcerting.
Two little look at what happens with the beet juice when it leaves your body in both ways.
There are two ways in which the beet juice can leave your body.
Three!
But I really enjoy it, and it actually, it has a lot of arginine in it,
which dilates your blood vessels and is good for your manhood
in a number of different ways, which I'll let you guys figure out.
Oh, Sherman Oaksers, I'll draw you a diamond.
Hey!
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
SpongeBob SquarePants!
She's a mom.
I've been down under the sea, and there are sponges,
but they don't wear pants, but there are things down there.
What's that?
Do they live in pineapples?
They don't.
But there are things that are down there that are very fascinating,
and I got my, this is going somewhere,
I got my scuba diving, my patty certification in Texas, in Athens, Texas,
and that is landlocked, and there is a rock quarry where we went.
And in the rock quarry, they sunk Wayland Jennings' houseboat and like,
fucking, and Willie Nelson's like turd bites,
and like everywhere you went, there was like nothing to look at except
country western stars, old recreational vehicles,
and like a few ancient carp.
And it was like, it was the most depressing and awesome experience,
and I found my dive master's key to his car,
which I was like, if you're a dive master,
shouldn't you not bring your car keys and lose them in the water?
But I found them, and I didn't get a key to Wayland Jennings' houseboat.
You know what he had on his keychain?
A pineapple.
Pineapple.
Oh, well, well, well.
Well, well, well.
Yeah, hi.
All right, all right guys.
I don't know what kind of calendar you're operating under,
but apparently it's five minutes late.
Dave, I'm sorry, I'm late.
I'm operating under a clock like all of us.
I apologize, the traffic was hell.
I'll get right to work right now.
You know what's hell?
Running the best day of business in Broward County.
I thought hell was other people.
I'm sorry, I read far too much.
Look, like I said, I was a little late this morning.
I had been a bit of a domestic at home.
Look, Troy, I don't need your whole life story.
I just need you to sail rugs with celebrities of own.
Look, that's exactly it.
I got some good leads coming in today.
I have someone coming in for B-Authers Throw,
that I'm really, really excited about.
And, you know, I have someone to come in looking at Ed Asner's bear rug.
Yeah, it's a bear rug.
It's ferocious and inviting at the same time.
But Dave, what you're giving me right now is a lot of pressure.
I apologize, I apologize.
I just want to make sure that you have this woven inside of you.
I am, I'm just, I don't react like I'm not a diamond, Dave.
I'm like a lamp.
If you were a rock, what kind of rock would you be, Troy?
I'd be a quartz.
All right, it's good, shiny, it's a precious stone.
Right, properties of future sea.
What?
I don't know.
You're a concher?
I don't believe in magic, unless it translates as sales.
We'll see.
By the way, can you not park in three spots with your car?
It's just rude.
It's an H2, okay?
Yeah, I know, but you go sideways.
Yeah, just so you know what perpendicular means.
Some people ain't good at geometry.
Like I said, I got some calls to make, and again, I apologize.
I had a thing at home, never happened again.
I have a lot of things at home, man.
You have a huge amount of things at home.
Yeah, you know what?
You rented Willie Nelson for the month of August.
That's right, and guess who's not invited?
So, uh, what do you think about my pad?
Yeah, it's pretty nice.
Did you see my grandfather clock over there?
Cheryl Teague's holding that grandfather clock.
My grandfather's Cheryl Teague's.
I'll admit her clock.
You want me to sing something?
How could you not play your taxes, Willie Nelson?
You're a millionaire.
That's why I never smoked marijuana.
The moment I put that green in my brain, I know that the green's going to go away from my pocketbook.
I used to love you, and now you're in cahoots with Ben and Jerry.
You've got your own goddamn ice cream flavor.
I rented you to tell you what I really think about you, Willie Nelson.
You're getting me a good song.
There's an outrageous waste of money, and very rude to Mr. Willie Nelson.
That's how much money I've got.
I know how much money you have.
I do the books.
Who you going?
I'm calling the leads for the B-author and the Ed Asner.
You know, it's kind of fucked up.
I came in here and said I had a domestic problem twice, and you didn't even ask about it.
Two times.
I know you're a rich man with an H2.
I've been married three times, okay?
Women ain't nothing.
Beans and H's.
What's the H stand for?
Oh, scum.
We're not going to move to Studio City, okay?
It's North Hollywood with a better name.
Cheryl, we can't.
It's five blocks, Stan.
Five blocks.
Wrong direction.
Cheryl, this is not why we're here.
We're here?
No, I mean here, here.
Here, here.
Yeah, here, here.
In Los Angeles.
Yes, we did not move from Missouri to live in the Valley of Los Angeles.
We lived to live in the real Los Angeles when we moved here.
This morning you said we did not move here to eat burnt waffles.
I get it.
I get it.
We didn't, okay?
I know.
We moved out here to be movie stars.
Yes.
Yes.
Can we be our Brentwood selves and not our fucking North Hollywood selves?
I'm serious.
This is how you make it.
You start to, and I'm going to make it.
Look, I went to a class yesterday.
Stan, another class.
It was only $20, Cheryl, okay?
Oh, my God.
Where did you get the $20?
The glove compartment.
Oh, Jesus.
That's our emergency fund for ballet, emergency ballet.
So what did you do when you walked in the room?
What did you do?
Did you listen to the angry parrot or the polite parrot?
I started with the polite parrot and the angry parrot started getting in there.
And I just let it squawk.
I let it squawk and it just talked me right out of it.
Did you feed it?
Did you feed it?
I made it.
Squawking.
It's squawking.
It's squawking.
What is this?
This is what you pay for?
We are moving, Stan.
We can't afford the rent anymore.
Five blocks away is a better school system.
It's a better life.
And stop pronouncing I've been tore up whatever.
You should go to this class.
Go eat your pasta can of four in your class.
I picked up three shifts last week.
That means $47.
Jake Lockman said you take the tours for $20.
Jake Lockman?
Yes.
I didn't hear about this guy.
I saw him on a program.
Oh, great.
He does a public outreach show on the local access cable, but it's to help actors because
he knows not everyone has money and someone who is so paralyzed by self-doubt that they
never even believe they're worth the $20 to go to his class in the Y.
That's why he's doing it because of the actors who are paralyzed by self-doubt.
I think he's doing it for your $20.
It sounds like an angry, jealous parrot.
Everything all right in there?
Yeah, everything's fine.
Are you sure?
Yeah, no.
Everything's the normal as it could be.
Everything's going according to plan.
You got up from the table, son, really quickly.
Yeah.
Is he all right?
I'm trying to find out.
I'll heat up your lasagna.
I'm just going to heat up your lasagna.
I'll heat it up.
I want to get warm.
And it'll be, it'll be, I'll make it hot and then by the time you get out it'll be warm.
You just need everyone to put their focus on themselves.
Jacob, I think I know what you're going through, son.
What do you mean?
Well, you get to be at that age where your body starts to do strange things.
Stop.
Change the subject.
No, no, no, no, no, no, Jacob.
Give me a moment.
Have you ever worked at it?
Well, it was actually really interesting.
But Jacob, Jacob, listen.
Don't try to get me off track, okay?
Is your boy still a little nervous?
Sorry, dad.
He must have just locked himself in there.
Yeah.
You know, you did something like that once.
Can we change the topic, dad?
I'm not going to believe this one.
What's that, Grandpa?
He went back there.
I don't know what it was.
We're watching the TV.
Yeah?
Are you going to come out?
Your casserole is getting cold.
Is your idiot boy still in there?
Oh, dad, it's just give me a sec.
Eisenhower's on the radio.
I want to listen.
And this is distracting the hell out of me.
We're going to take those jerrys.
He's right about that, boy.
You better get out.
I remember a time when you were in there.
Oh, dad.
Dad, no, no.
Is everything all right in the outhouse?
I'm not kidding, dad.
You're not leaving me alone.
Look, boy, we all go through things, all right?
Are we going to break camp soon
and get out to California for the harvest?
Suit it up.
Let me finish up Pinecone's soup.
Here's your boy in there.
And kill Franz Ferdinand.
Yes, he's in there.
Just leave him alone, though.
He's going through things.
There's history here.
I'm not coming out.
Okay.
I'll see it.
What do you mean I'm not coming out?
I just, I just, I want to just do this by myself
and finish up by myself.
Oh.
Look.
I can't run now.
Look, what you're going through is, is perfectly natural.
I feel like I ain't no control over my body.
Yes, I know, I know, I know.
It's embarrassing, but look,
everyone goes through it and it's completely natural.
You don't have to be ashamed.
You can tell me what you're thinking.
Everything's red.
All right, class, you all can tell me what you're thinking.
It's this sexual education in remedial summer school.
Some of you have failed and most of you have failed,
but there's, there's always going to be a winner
inside of every one of you.
So what is it?
Yeah.
I, I, I heard that if the girl jumps up and down afterwards,
you can't get pregnant.
That's not true.
You should have to jump really high.
How high?
How high do you think?
15 feet.
Oh, much higher than that.
And she would have to fall in such a way that she's not,
there's not going to be a scenario where there's a trampoline
high enough to bounce her to where that would happen.
And she wouldn't lose a lot of blood by breaking her skin.
Yeah.
Okay, because she starts to lose blood.
What, what, what, what, what, what?
Well, then she, well, then she would eventually
bleed, bleed, bleed, bleed.
Let's get off the scenario in which somebody's jumping up
and down trying to lose their baby.
Let's say it was Jackie Joyner-Cursey.
She was running the hurdles.
Well, she is an American athlete and I think she's going
to take the bronze at least in Barcelona this summer.
But low bar for success.
But I have a high bar for teaching you the truth
about birds and bees.
Yes.
Point of clarification.
It wasn't that they hop up and down and lose the babies.
They hop up and down and they don't get pregnant afterwards.
Oh, it's a totally different situation.
That works.
That's true.
Okay.
That's absolutely true.
I heard days with ours and them.
Days with ours and them are what?
You know, they're good.
No, they're very evil days.
Really?
They're the worst days of all.
So don't have it on those days.
Don't have what?
X.
Oh, my gosh.
Thanks.
I thought you were playing some sort of a handball game
behind her.
I couldn't see the whole, yes.
What exactly are your qualifications?
I graduated from Clown College in 1964.
I was an Augusto flower, the finest in my class.
I had the finest pantaloons and the most magnificent hat.
I got pregnant that day from another flower.
And I couldn't tell what it was.
It was a big kaleidoscope with face pains and honking.
Yes.
You're up and down afterwards?
I tried to no avail.
My child, did it come out with big feet?
No.
Did it come out with a big heart?
No, it came out with a big heart in the outside of its body
and it died.
That was fun to know.
Was it a Thursday, Saturday, or Friday?
It was the wrong day.
It was a clown's day.
Next question.
You still haven't told us how you became qualified to teach at Clown College.
I went to Clown College.
Yes?
So they teach you how to teach sex ed in Clown College?
They teach you a lot of things that I couldn't begin to describe you.
It's like a magician rejealing his tricks.
What is rejealing?
It's just that I've been going over the numbers and numbers don't lie.
All right.
All right.
All these lawsuits that you're up against with all these celebrities,
you have this attitude.
You're somehow entitled to their things.
Why don't you rejeal me what that means?
See, this is what's happening when I'm talking about it.
I'm doing a job here.
You're speaking clown right now, okay?
I don't speak in zeros and ones.
We can celebrity bros.
Zeroes and ones, I believe you're referring to coding.
I'm not actually coding.
I'm doing actual mathematics here.
I'm just adding in subtracting.
Look, Laura, I like you.
You're the finest accountant in all of Broward County, okay?
I know.
We got the best billboard and the hottest body of all the accountants.
All right.
What did I tell you?
I go in there every day and I can't change him.
This is what I've been trying to tell you.
Now you understand my pain, now this is the way I am at home.
I see now.
You want that to his house?
Yes.
Do you not like it?
I'd like it too.
Let's call a spade a spade.
And by a spade, I mean you.
And by you, I mean hot.
And by hot, I mean you're way hotter than your husband deserves.
I think that we both know that.
And that is the obvious reason that I am here at your house.
Sir, just to let you know, Merle Haggard's been in the Rumpus Room for three weeks now.
I guess that's...
Well, tell him there's enough fiddle fat on the damn pantry to last a lifetime.
This is...
Scott Bao.
You're not in charge of me, Chuck.
You know what I bought him for?
I do.
It's in the books.
Okay.
It's an impressive song.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
But you're going to lose all these lawsuits.
That is my point.
Despite the intense sexual chemistry between us, you are going out of business and you're
probably going to jail.
Hey, you know what?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Lily!
Give me a second.
I'm begging to play that at this moment.
Thank you.
There's a signature drink here at the Casa de Me.
It's a little bit of tequila's.
A little bit of Oyster's Rockefeller.
I should have said that.
I just...
The final ingredient.
No can of dole.
It's pina coladas.
It ain't just a song, honey.
It's a lifestyle choice.
Hello?
Who's there?
Who's...
Hello?
Hello?
Sorry, I forgot my key.
You go playing thinking?
What the hell?
It smells like man-tuck-it.
What the fuck?
What the hell is it?
I just want it more bad, okay?
You're going to bump it to the sink.
Excuse me?
You're going to bump...
Excuse me!
What does that have to do with me?
Scott Bale says, when you run up against the president...
You run up against the president.
Troy, this isn't working.
You're going to come home reeking of clams.
It's always used for color.
Of course it is.
Too good for clams?
Yes.
Too good for clams.
And you know it.
That's fine.
Fine.
I'll take the tercel.
Okay.
I'll pack up my things.
I'll take the crumb.
Why would we get two compact cars?
Welcome to the valley.
Why?
They've been feeding you well on the other side of the hill.
It's a little bit hot in here.
It's a lot hotter.
It's a lot hotter.
It's easy.
How do you get into those doctors?
You'll be right out of that.
Come, come.
Let me show you around.
I hope your Spanish is good.
A little.
Well then, don't go north of victory.
I don't know what that is.
Is that north of concern?
Oh yeah.
I hope you enjoy watching people fuck.
It's condoms everywhere.
It's the born capital of the world.
It's the site of disgust.
They'll blame the referendum from last fall.
Hey guys, did you hear that open a Starbucks at Woodbink?
Coldwater?
Pustin?
Van Nuys?
Ventura?
Sepulveda?
It's all, it's all.
And it is going to be very low block to block.
I don't think it's going to be here in the valley.
This is from the little radio.
What?
This is from the little radio.
Would you like to see the house with a Brady Punch exterior?
Would you like to see the house with a Malcolm in the middle exterior?
Would you like to see the bottom of the LA River where they shot the race seats from Nitride?
And Terminator 2.
Do you guys know anything else besides places where they shot movies?
In Starbucks?
Did we mention the condoms?
You guys seem really kind of cool.
I love the movie as well.
But I'm just thinking...
There was a George Clooney sighting eight months ago.
I don't know about that.
I'm saying a third of these condoms are in.
That is really cool.
But what if we took the party back to my place?
I would just write it over and...
Yeah!
Well...
I'm sorry I barged in.
I just think I hadn't heard from you in 20 minutes.
Here's a process.
I understand, I understand.
Perhaps you weren't ready for all of the architecture.
Probably not.
Sorry?
Well, with the prevalence of pornography on the internet,
our generation needs a lot more stimulation to get to the point A to point...
Well, you know.
It's really interesting.
There's another bottle of Windex in the seat.
Just grab it from your head and see.
Mother's doing God's work in there.
And so you know, she is a saint.
She is a saint.
There is the off chance that this could bring us together as a family.
Nope.
Grab a bench right through the middle because...
Lord knows I'm gonna hear about this tonight
when your mother and I are crawling into bed together.
Weird...
Weirdest thing I've ever heard.
Why is that weird?
Thank you so much for taking care of that.
What?
For cleaning up everything.
Everything? What?
You gonna make me say it?
An interesting day at work today?
Actually I did.
We get paced up.
Don't get me into that.
Thank you for cleaning our son's scene enough.
Did you enjoy the lasagna?
I did.
Enjoy the lasagna.
Now, if you don't mind, let's just lie here in our twin beds instead.
I'm so glad we mounted the television up in the corner where the wall meets the ceiling.
I love you.
You guys?
Yes.
Is everything okay in there?
Uh, emotionally no.
It seems there's a chasm that I can feel even in my room.
That was metaphorical.
No, I understand.
Please don't say chasm.
Dads?
Yeah.
Dads?
Caroline and I are fighting like you and Mom used to.
Ah, memories.
Wouldn't you call it fight?
No, it's a fight.
I'm calm.
And that's how I know it's a fight.
I'll have it three years or this way.
I think after you were born we had sex twice.
Oh, well, we're, uh, what, three up on you?
We need some light bulbs.
You're out tomorrow.
Remember to pick them up.
I'm still by the door.
Go to bed, Jacob.
Go to bed.
Okay, best of luck.
Try talking to each other, honestly.
You know, I think he's right.
Thanks, Dad.
You know, I'll be the wrong person.
I think he's right.
You know, you know, guys, I'm glad you came to see me.
I usually work with actors,
but positivity is something that, you know,
it's a road we can all walk down.
I just want to know that you're both being your best selves.
What?
I'm an excellent cook.
Sure, but you are, I do 100% cook,
or you 100% lady cook.
Why did you ask him?
I don't even understand the question.
I don't either.
Just like, do you know what's going on inside your wife?
What?
You mean physically?
How do you mean?
Wait, wait, wait.
Conversely, what's going on inside his sandcastle?
Is it lonely?
Darn it, of course.
Or are there surfs working on?
Lasses.
Fine buttresses.
Against my better judgment, I'm taking this course.
You're the celebrity run guy.
Yeah.
So you're playing banner.
That's right.
We do sky riding as well.
We also, we do foam carving in the ocean.
Carve your name and happy birthday
or some shit like that in the ocean.
It's not why I'm here, though, man.
Of course not.
If you would empty this inside me,
I'd buy and sell celebrities and their rugs
like ants in an ant farm.
Yep.
I don't know, there's something missing.
Last week, I seduced one of my employees' wives.
Fully?
Yes, fully.
And I released all over Ed Nassner's bear rug.
And it felt great.
I gotta get out of this valley shit.
He's creeping me out.
No!
Look, I've got you a present.
For moving to the valley with me.
It's Neil Diamond's Cicel Rug.
Neil Diamond's Cicel Rug?
Yes.
They come to America.
Got a dream they want to share.
They come to America.
I know.
What kind of crazy motherfucker would sell you
a Neil Diamond's Cicel Rug?
You know what was that?
You're right.
I gotta head west.
Away from Florida.
To California.
The most pristine valley in all the Golden State.
The San Fernando Valley.
My time would fit in.
Hell, I could get into the porn business.
I could have people fucking on all sides of the edge.
I could do it right there.
And everywhere.
Clown porn.
Regular porn, you name it.
Trust that.
Trust that voice inside you.
It's the choice, the voice of truth.
Thank you.
Thank you for teaching me what I always had inside me.
One last bit of advice I need to give.
No one's ever regretted moving to the valley.
Woo!
Thank you.
