You know, if my niece were to come to me and say, you know, I want to be a corporate entertainer,
I would say, what is that?
What is that?
It's not even a job.
A corporate entertainer is essentially a whore that doesn't take their clothes off.
What is a corporate entertainer?
Well, they're someone who's a professional, all right?
They go into any kind of business level, environment, and deliver the wow, all right?
They stay in their clothes as a whore, create a moment, create scenes, create energy.
Corporate entertainer would be probably on a level of a professional actor or an entertainer
would be right at the bottom below artificial plants.
They get paid to debase themselves at the whim of a client and then leave.
And everybody has a bad taste in their mouth, so to speak.
Corporate entertainment doesn't even sit as far as other entertainment jobs.
It just kind of lies on the floor, just kind of gasping for breath, gasping for kind of
an artistic endeavor which never seems to happen.
For some actors, it's the lowest common denominator.
They'll lower themselves to do it so they can pay for their more creative work or for
their auditions so they can get that big role.
Corporate entertainer is a monkey who entertains drunk clients.
Whereas I've learned that corporate entertainment is my big role.
I feel sad for people who have to do that in order to feed their children or their drug
habit.
I don't think that grown men in costumes working is a little odd.
What I say to them is lawyers wear a suit, that's a costume.
When I see a grown man dressed in a costume and it's not Halloween, I mean personally
I'm very happy about it because it means success for me, but I feel sad, I feel sad for them.
We wouldn't.
If they're all in costumes, we all wear costumes.
So I say to them, you know what?
Selen, our corporate dignity, one gig at a time.
Cut this, mate of the finest Damascus kneel, check me matey.
Sweet and various Harry bits, check.
Here it comes.
All out.
Really?
Double-sided tape.
It's that or a crazy glue.
Blind locked pistols, time to check.
One small, fully functioning cannon.
What?
We don't have a cannon.
Oh, yes we do.
Mike, Mike, this is for Florida.
This is not for today's gig.
Don't you think we're getting a little ahead of ourselves, I mean technically we don't
even have that gig yet.
I got into corporate entertainment, I would say 20 years ago now.
The big gigs pay well.
Those big gigs have been becoming fewer and fewer.
I thought it was going to be just a little stop gap like we all do.
Luckily I have a spouse who is affluent.
There's good gigs, there's great gigs sometimes, and there's bad gigs.
I can contribute and I do contribute when I can.
Five-year plan, realistically, on Stratford Festival.
I know that things will change because I have to change.
I'm gearing up, I'm getting older, and I think that soon I'll be right for Lear.
I think it's all good.
We just got to nail this pitch.
The pitch is a formality, come on.
Pirate 101, a fast-paced comedy extravagance where the audience becomes part of the show
and they learn what it takes to become a pirate.
It's a slam dunk, Winston is going to love it.
Yeah, he better, he better, because it's just, I don't know, is it the wife?
Wife, kids, mortgage, no vacation in three years.
You need a hug.
I love you, it's just that I can't live on a diet of pure optimism.
We need a real gig that pays real money.
And you got to get rid of that thing, it's disgusting.
Oh, oh, never!
Oh, hey, by the way, we've got real dressing rooms and no porta-potty today.
Oh, you didn't buy a new costume, did you?
No.
And I am Captain Cannonball.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
I am Captain Cannonball of the Black Herl.
I am Captain Cannonball of the Black Herl.
I am Captain Cannonball of the Black Herl.
What are you talking about?
I am Captain Carnelius.
Where did you get that costume?
Oh, Amish Pirate Supplies on eBay.
Amish Pirate Supplies.
You must have spent a fortune on that.
I can't be the captain if you look like that.
Well, because I'm the captain.
Anyway, it was totally cheap.
Nick is all about the costumes.
I'm the one who makes sure we look presentable.
His costumes.
I'm wearing poofy collars, I got poofy shirts.
I'm a man.
This is why we can't do these shows anymore.
I can't do these shows anymore.
Nick, you're standing next to a toilet.
The pipe's about to hit your head.
You're so gigantic.
Look at this.
Washroom.
Men, women.
It's not even just men.
Well, it's indoor.
Great.
Florida Pirate Festival.
That's when it's going to get great.
We're going to be on the A-Circuit.
We're going to have $10,000 each.
They treat us like royalty.
No more of these shitty little local festivals.
No more Janet Clarkson.
Because I swear to God, if I have to deal with that woman again, I'm going to twist
her head off.
Janet.
And my wife, Janet, that I'm divorcing.
Okay, are you guys ready to go?
Here you go.
Yes.
I like your sword.
Oh, thank you.
What are you wearing?
A pirate costume.
Okay.
You have five minutes to get in on the stages.
You are stage B, you are stage A. I need you to plug the sponsors.
We are like a double act.
Yeah, do it.
We do jokes like, you know, what do pirates drive when they're not in their ships?
And then I would say, a car.
Or a Yaris.
Yeah, like that.
Who would be us?
Okay.
You know, I think I'm paying you enough to figure it out and I'm not changing my whole
event for that joke.
Artistic integrity, to me, is somebody who's a professional, who can portray a character
in a meaningful way.
And I don't find that these performers have that because they're just a bunch of goons.
Really.
Bad jokes.
Clients like it, though, and that's why they're back.
It's very interesting.
There's a certain amount of dignity that has to be in the entertainment industry, a dignity
as a performer.
Myself, of course, I've performed in most of the major theaters across Canada, done
three or four hundred television shows.
I've become what you know in Canada as a regional personality.
See corporate entertainers are certainly below that.
Corporate entertainers are people that probably couldn't serve food at the banquet.
I mean, I'm wearing this Stargate flight suit, more as an homage to the show that I was
on for ten years.
It's not the same as what corporate entertainers do, where they just wear stupid costumes any
time of the day.
You know, they just look ridiculous.
They're pathetic.
How would I describe someone that has artistic integrity?
Yes, certainly.
Of course, I have artistic integrity.
My whole career has been based on artistic integrity.
I'm hoping that the show comes back.
Dignity?
Dignity?
It's kind of like Field of Dreams, really.
You know, if you build it, they will come.
It's like if I wear it, they will remount the show.
That's reasonable.
Dignity is my middle name, Jackson Dignity Davies.
All right, come on, get your postcards here.
Get your postcards here.
That's right, folks.
Get your postcards here.
Come on.
This is Canadiana, right here.
This is Canadiana, folks.
This is Canadiana.
This is right here.
This is a whole career, right here on this bench, right beside me, a whole career, a
whole career.
Sir?
Ma'am?
Okay.
Do you have the Buckingham Dollars?
The bits?
Yes.
Buckingham Bits?
Yeah.
I got it.
I got it.
Okay.
You need to be handing those out there for the auction.
Okay.
You need to be funny.
I don't want vulgar, and I don't want a lot on piracy.
Why?
Okay, legitimate.
We're actually a pirate show.
If I can finish.
Yeah.
No, the president has just had an incident yachting Somalia Pirates.
That's right.
So it's not a funny thing, and I need you to stay away from that.
Okay.
All right.
Also, don't get into people's faces while they're eating.
Last time you did that, it was a real issue.
It's an outdoor food festival.
I understand that, Nick.
Do you mind if they're eating a hot dog, or?
Just do it at appropriate times.
No eating yourselves, and now we have three minutes to get down there.
All right, sure.
Okay, I need you to stay half an hour later, okay, because you are half an hour late, and
I own you for two hours.
Oh, you want us?
Mike, let's do this.
Now.
All right.
Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
All right.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Well, we should sit and say hello to the captain.
Oh, not for another six hours.
Oh, we got six more hours.
And I got an extra half an hour.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
