My name is Xavier Walgerman.
Why are you still on the hardcore?
I don't know. Part of it is because I grew up in a terrible home.
When I was a kid, middle school and high school, I never wanted to be at home.
My dad's an alcoholic. He hit me. My mom told me it was awful and she did drugs.
My life was, I wake up, I go to school, I get home, but if I could somehow not be at home, I would figure out a way to do that.
So that included going to a neighbor's house to hang out with friends.
Skating, which I did a lot, even though I was the worst skateboarder of all my friends.
Skating, marching band practice, whatever I could do to be home or not be home.
One of those things was going to shows.
I never wanted to be home. I never felt a part of my family, so going to shows, I was with friends.
I loved, was with a part of the music at the time, locally or whatever.
Just loving not being at home and feeling accepted.
Going to shows when I was in high school was the most violent thing ever.
At first, I didn't like the violence.
I was the kid going to shows and like, dude, why are you hitting people?
I wasn't about it and all of my friends were about it.
So all my friends, I remember the one show, I was like, they were swinging on people.
I can't remember who it was for though.
But I was getting mad. I was like, you guys are being really stupid.
I don't understand this at all. And I just remember Biggie came and swung and hit me right in my face.
And I was so furious. It hit me and hurt, but I was pissed off.
And I ran and grabbed Biggie and threw him up against the wall.
I was like, what are you doing? Why did you hit me?
And he pushes me back and goes, this is hardcore, dude. That's how it goes.
I don't know if like a light switch that was like, yeah, violence needs to happen at shows.
But I remember I was so mad. I think it was mad at life, at him for hitting me,
or him telling me that that's how it's the way it is.
And I just went off on people's.
But that time, it was just violent.
Every show was just trash cans and chairs.
And to this day, I have not seen a more violent scene than Pennsylvania.
I've gone to a show where they have baseball bats and we're swinging on people.
That blew my mind. I was scared out of my mind.
That was the most violent thing I've ever seen.
I've seen chairs thrown. I've seen people thrown into tables.
I've seen trash cans thrown. I've seen all that.
When I see four dudes with baseball bats swinging on people, I was scared out of my mind.
But that's how it was. You went to a show to be violent.
If you weren't trying to beat people up, you were going to get beat up.
Going to shows to me was like hanging out with friends and being accepted
and not worrying about the world.
It was another way to get away.
Another place to go to where you didn't have to.
I'm in this building. I'm here about music.
I'm here to hear what other people have to say.
I don't want to be at home.
Well, knowing tooth is still not to this day.
I don't know where my real parents are.
That's a journey.
I grew up in a home with people with crazy parents.
Let me say this. My parents were great until they got divorced.
Then it sucked.
But I guess at the same time, I was a kid, so I didn't see it.
I was adopted when I was three years old.
My family is white. Yes, I'm a white black dude.
That's what everyone says.
But I grew up in a Jewish home.
Not really, I don't know, just like being a kid.
My parents were my friends doing whatever, playing Pokemon.
Just being a kid.
Then my parents got divorced when they were 12.
When I was 12.
My mom cheated on my dad.
I'm pretty sure she's now married to him.
It was just a disaster.
I think for both my parents, it just stuffed in click.
My dad went from being a dad to grabbing alcohol as much as possible.
My mom, I don't know if it was the influence from her husband at the time.
But I just smoked a ton of marijuana and did other drugs.
Crazy. Smoked like a poop ton of cigarettes.
I have five siblings, so I'm the middle child of five.
My two older sisters, me, my younger brother and younger sister.
I think at the time, my second oldest sister was the oldest child in the house.
She left because of whatever reason, and then it was like me.
I took a lot of it.
My dad definitely hit me every day.
Some days it would be light, other days it would be really bad.
And then my mom would just tell me she wished she never adopted me and all this stuff.
Just terrible things you don't say to a child.
Granted, I was 12.
Just like what we talked about before with hardcore, not wanting to be at home, that's why.
Once my parents divorced, I would go to my dad's certain days, go to my mom's certain days.
And just so happens after that little bit of time after the divorce,
my friend invites me to this thing called Youth Group that I don't know what it is,
and I just want it to not be at home.
And I go to this Youth Group thing and find Jesus.
And it turns out that I want to put my life towards Christ
because I know He can do...
I found out at the time that He could do incredible things.
And that's what I wanted.
I wanted peace, I wanted...
I wanted lives like everyone else's lives.
I wanted parents, I wanted to just live a normal life.
And so I wanted Jesus.
I wanted Jesus so bad, and I got Jesus.
And it just went worse.
I think...
Oh yeah, because they were Jewish, so they were crazy.
And I remember I said, Mom, I became a Christian.
She looked at me with the most evil look ever.
She was like, what did you say?
I became a Christian now.
And I just remember her freaking out and just screaming at me.
And just asking me why I would do such a thing.
And why would I do that?
To me, I thought I was doing a good thing.
But granted at the time, I still didn't really understand.
Did you know she'd react that way?
No, I had no clue.
I was just telling her, oh yeah, I became a Christian.
And that was supposed to be it, to me.
And it just turned into this giant...
whatever.
And I remember she called my dad.
And she was like, did you hear what your son just did?
Blah, blah, blah.
And I remember, I didn't hear a whole conversation
except my mom's side just like, mm-hmm, yeah.
And then my dad, I remember hearing my dad say,
just wait till he gets to my house.
As soon as I heard, just wait till he gets to my house,
I just knew all hell was going to break loose.
And I remember, I think it was with my mom
for like another day or something.
And I went to my dad's.
And I just remember shutting the door
and just hitting the floor,
because my dad hit me as soon as I walked into the house.
So like, I'm just like, oh, the talent show's going to be fun.
Go to the talent show.
Just so happens, I win the talent show that year
doing the Metallica cover song.
What do we do?
The Call of Cthulhu by Metallica,
which was an instrumental song.
I played bass in that.
And I remember going back to work,
it was like 10 o'clock at night.
I remember walking in with my friends
or my coworkers were like, oh, the way to leave us, dude.
Because I was super busy that day.
And some hub closing.
And usually when I worked, I would call my dad
like a half hour before I was ready to go
and he would come pick me up and then I went home.
And I remember calling him.
And he found out that I didn't work that day.
And he found out that I went to the talent show.
And he was like, where were you?
I was like, I was at the talent show.
He was like, I know you're at the talent show.
He was like, why'd you skip work?
And I was like, well, because I've been playing
in the talent show for like all year,
but everyone let me work that day.
He's like, here's what you're going to do.
You're going to come home.
Or no, he said, don't come home.
Don't come home that night.
I'm sick of you and your Jesus loving faith.
And I'm sick of you not listening to me.
Don't come home and hung up the phone.
That was terrifying.
And like, granted, I'm already kicked out of my mom's
and now I'm kicked out of my dad's.
What the hell am I going to do?
I'm 16 years old.
I don't have a car, I don't have a license.
I have to graduate.
I want to graduate high school.
Like, I don't know what the heck's going to happen.
I remember our course was like, what's wrong?
I was like, just got kicked out of my house.
And they were like, seriously?
Yup.
Dad just kicked me out because I went to a talent show.
Granted, that's what I said, but I knew other reasons why.
Yeah.
So one of my friends that was at the talent show
who took me to back to work, he...
I told him what happened.
And he was like, okay, just come to my house.
And like, went to his house and like explained to them
that his parents at the time were not at the time forever.
Explained to them what happened.
And like, they just said I could stay there
until like everything went fine.
The family that took me in, they're called the Wedaltons.
Praise Jesus for them.
They are the best people on the planet.
Even if I act like a turd sometimes.
But they, I remember they said I could live there.
And they will treat me like family.
And like, at that time I didn't really understand what that meant.
Because my family sucked.
I remember when Tracy, who was my mom,
she said she loved me the first time.
And I think it was a little after like I got kicked out.
And it was like kind of, you're kind of getting used to
like the whole situation.
I think we were going...
We were going somewhere we were driving.
And I remember she said,
Hey Jared, just wanted you to know, I love you.
I love you like a son.
And I remember I was crying.
And because like my parents never said that's me.
And like, I remember she was tearing up to you.
And she was like, you are a son in this family.
And you are loved.
And I'm going to treat you like my sons.
And like, it's nuts.
Jesus, I've never had...
My parents sucked.
My childhood sucked.
But at the same time that's the enemy being a tool
trying to pull you away from Christ.
And it almost worked.
Almost.
Until I saw that love from all these people
that have changed my life in so many different ways.
I could sing of your love forever.
Like stuff like that.
That's what I, that's automatically,
that's what I pictured what Christian man would be.
