So this is the time in my life where I was involved in yet another involuntary
managé-toie. Both my grandparents on my dad's side have Alzheimer's. My
grandma has dementia, my grandpa has Alzheimer's, but you know it's a weird
duo. All my life people have felt comfortable having sex near me. I think
it's because I have a very adorable face. I visit them a lot as much as
possible back home in Denver. I don't know why they do it but it's happened
more than once and the one that I'm talking about now happened when I was
about 21 years old. I had just started doing comedy and my friend said, hey we
should go party at St. Mary's. Me and my dad went to visit my grandpa on my dad's
birthday in the home. They don't live in like a home, they live in like a nursing
home. It smells like piss and health in tears in the place. I don't go to St. Mary's.
Neither did my friend. We knew a friend of a friend. He was white so I was cool
and we go to visit him. My grandma's asleep in her bed. My grandpa's asleep in
his bed and then they share a room. It's nice, beautiful, as good as it can be and
my grandpa on this particular day on my dad's birthday he had this like rock
hard old man boner like poking out of his shorts like this like an ostrich you
know like tuft of fur and a neck and a curious head. That's just like rusty
old bayonet of a dick. Crazy thing is I wasn't cool. I was extremely exhausted. I
was working a day job doing comedy at night so while a lot of people were
passing out the entire night because of alcohol poisoning I was passed out
because I was chasing my dreams. I don't know it's a weird stitch because I'm
there with my dad looking at the boner that begat all of our boners like this
is boner zero pretty much. And that dream was awoken by hearing the rummage of
two overly intoxicated college co-eds just going at it. I don't know what to do.
My dad quick thinker threw a blanket over it. As you know like it's the best
way to hide a boner is with a thin nursing home blanket. Now they weren't
fucking. They weren't. They weren't doing anything really. It's that kind of like
rhinoceros trying to have sex with another rhinoceros. Like you can hear it
but you don't know what's really going on. Where are the horns? What's under the
blanket dad? Not grandpa. It's not the dick we just looked at for way too long.
That's for sure. Grandpa's got a frozen gogurt in his pocket. So I'm laying on
the couch just minding my own business dreaming you know a virgin 22 years old.
So grandpa's got this tent and I mean he's 92 like this is it's the dick that
fought Hitler pretty much and it's got a purple heart and a purple head.
Decorated dog. And I hear hey is this guy cool? No I'm not cool. What are you doing
over me? Hovering? Kissing? That's weird. My grandpa's got this two-messin tent
and he's trying to flip over but he can't. He's like you know he's got this
rustable kickstand on his 38th twin. Nothing's flipping him over. I wish the nurse
would have that lawsuit. I start hearing a little pitter-patter of all the
making out and a part of me is like no get the fuck out of here. Another part of
me is like if I don't make a noise or a sound they won't think that I'm a pervert
trying to listen into their fucking spades and then another part of it was
oh my god these people are the worst lovers ever. They were kissing with
their mouths hard as beaks you know and you don't have any coordination. So grandpa
the blanket falls off his dick revealing said boner and we just started
laughing real hard because like we're used to crying like it's you know it's a
sad time but there's a fucking dick involved like we're gonna laugh real
hard. I hear the unbuckling of a belt and then I hear the faint but distinct
sounds of fallatio which go as follows. We're laughing me and my dad and like
we're dying in the room well they're dying the room we're laughing and in
walks in walks the nurse because like this is probably the first time that
she's heard laughter like what she works. Then I hear a phone ring not my phone
somebody else's phone hello yeah uh-huh all right I'll be right there the guy
says hey I gotta go. She walks in she says what the fuck she walks into like
two big weird dudes laughing at the boner of an old sleeping weird dude like
she doesn't even know if we know this guy we just we do purrs having a really
weird Wednesday type thing. And he leaves he just straight up leaves and I
would say I would hope that you know he had something important to deal with like
a family emergency we're probably just meeting some friends didn't have his
priority straight. So she says what the fuck and we're laughing right then my
grandma wakes up and my grandma she says this she says what's so funny and I get
to say this to my grandma which I've never said I gotta say well grandma
grandpa's boner. I didn't lose my virginity for a year after that. My
grandma who I love the most in the world she says without missing a beat she says
oh I've been laughing at it for 70 years so love is real everybody. So this one
time I had sex with a lesbian while I was dressed as Sailor Moon. Thanks.
They were kissing with their mouths hard as beaks you know you don't have any
coordination.
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