Thank you for joining us, we are Shovey Wives and tonight we are celebrating the 9th anniversary
of our first anniversary.
Just like we've been doing for the past 9 years, we're going to do soon in Propfort
because in order to get started all we need is a word or phrase to inspire.
GQ.
GQ?
Alright GQ.
Nancy.
My husband makes eggs completely wrong because of something he read in a men's magazine.
He starts the pan kind of cold and then he breaks the eggs in and I think it was one
of those things that somebody just had to write off handed like to fill space and they're
like I'm going to write something crazy like guys can just throw eggs in a pan and turn
it up into this day.
10 years later he's still cooking eggs like just slowly kind of from raw and then throw
it in.
Have you had this discussion with him before?
Muddle it around.
She's happy right now.
Right.
This is weird.
That sucks.
GQ.
One of my favorite men's magazine items or sections is I believe it's men's health.
It's been called Ask Jimmy the bartender and it's like a crusty old Bostonian bartender
and you know it's not him.
You know it's like some GQ'd out young intern or whatever and it's always like the most
absurd questions and if you ask the guy who looked like that he would tell you to fuck
off.
It's like I don't know.
My fear is not properly lubed in the morning.
How do I get girls interested in my follicles and he gives a detailed answer whereas he
would tell you to leave his bar.
How do you feel about a guy, like if you see a guy reading GQ, like that's not marriage
material.
Shit.
What is marriage material?
What magazine is marriage material for you?
The Economist.
Fuck you.
I was once a friend of my move when I lived in Atlanta and he had a roommate that he wasn't
very good friends with and so we had moved most of the stuff and we had moved to the
roommate's room and I was just grabbing boxes and stuff and his mattress, the sheets were
stripped off and everything and so I started to grab the top mattress and there were a
stack of magazines between his mattress and the box frame and I'm like here's his porn,
no big deal.
They were all men's health.
And it was all the dudes and I was like who the fuck for Kofi who jerks off the dudes.
And I was at that point everyone was like hey Kofi do you need any help and I was like
I don't know what to do with the way I just found.
And he then walked in last and he was like wow I found my jokes.
And I was still in the move.
I worked one of the first times I had when I moved that mirror as a mover and it was
not fun.
I don't recommend it.
It was good money but it was really unpleasant.
Backbreaking work because you would probably imagine it to be.
And we found we were moving this woman out of a Century City apartments which is weird
as you would live I think in Century City.
Because of Die Hard.
No we were moving our stuff out like we've got all this truck paraphernalia like lots of
it like a huge bong that my friend who doesn't have good vision broke.
He broke a lot of things.
Yeah it was very uncomfortable because we were like well what do we do should we bring
it up with her.
We found all of her drug shit.
And then we found like lots of drugs.
And it was like I wasn't comfortable moving it.
He was like don't worry about it.
And then he started breaking shit.
And then we had to be like we found your drugs and then we found this thing and then we broke
it.
And I think she was so stoned she didn't care.
You know what that girl thinks guys who read GQ are actually terrible.
She does.
I tried to put a bomb in it.
Everyone go to hell.
For a nice shot I'm not going to tell me Plaza.
Yes that's right they shot the movie Die Hard here.
I am pretty sure that there was like a six episode miniseries that was developed after
the show called Matt and Tommy Plaza.
Oh that's funny because I work security here and we have a lot of fans in the movie Die
Hard.
Look in the monitor.
See all of that.
That's what the miniseries was.
It was all about the guy who sat in the basement and waited because he was a limo driver.
That's what the series was.
You know you learn something new every day.
Yeah.
I wasn't familiar with that miniseries.
I'm Dale.
I love a tour.
Well I can give you one.
But again not familiar with that.
I'm really familiar with Die Hard's one, two and three.
After that they all started to suck so many asses.
But I'd love to help you for your tour.
I'm sorry are you a fan of live for your Die Hard?
Because if so.
Just the original.
Okay.
I watch it every Christmas.
Over and over again.
Oh great.
Yeah well then you recognize right over here is where original Vel Johnson he pulled up
to the Nakatomi Plaza.
Later I was in a series called Family Matters.
Nakatomi Plaza.
Right.
He was later in a series called Family Matters.
Not playing the same police officer.
But playing a police officer all the same.
You know sometimes that happens to actors.
They get just boxed into the same role over and over again.
Don't tell me.
I've been playing security guard number one as a non-paid extra for years.
You work here though.
I do.
Yes.
I absolutely do.
Here.
Come on over.
This is where the guy looked like Huey Lewis sat and pretended to be a security guard.
Hey dick looked like Huey Lewis.
Was that a wig or what?
Funny enough I don't know.
This is going to sound weird.
I've got a bunch of pictures of me under your mattress.
Like from far away.
Here's a like you're not a shutter bug so you wouldn't know this.
Like when you take your camera out like you click a few shutter snaps as we in the photo
I've been is called.
They probably just got you discriminated.
Okay the rehearsal dinner is going to start any minute.
Gail I'm sorry what?
I said we should get going.
Okay yeah me and Brian are just chatting real quick.
I love you.
I love you.
She changed my life.
A lot of things are at the pool.
Yeah but you.
Are you jerking off to me?
I'm not jerking off to you.
Brian what?
You're obsessed with me and you're about to get married.
What you saying?
I'm just guilty of being a good friend I guess.
What?
Why?
Just because sometimes it looks like the sun's hugging your face.
I mean why is it like that?
Whatever.
I mean you don't need a lot of guys who look equally good in moonlight.
Why do they take you so long?
To why?
I am gay.
We're halfway there.
Gail.
The horse and buggy are waiting.
Gail you're the end of my love song.
We're writing our vows right now.
Those are just pictures.
Go inside and yell at the waiters.
You like to do that.
Shut up.
Why were you in my room?
I was re-smelling my pillow.
I was jerking off at your room.
I do that.
Now I admit it.
You went on like a hand vacation.
This is never going to happen.
It's just a fun fantasy to have.
Too late.
Too late.
I was putting out signs for years.
What?
Like when?
What guy likes air supply?
It was a free show in a park.
I said yeah, I'll go.
What guy does that?
Air supply?
There was only one guy left from the original band.
That's how you were telling me?
Yes.
I might have gay inclinations, but I have a straight brain.
So I don't know how to talk.
Well, what am I supposed to do now?
Just watch you get married with your fucking best man?
Yes!
My speech is going to be full of lies.
Yeah.
So dramatic.
I don't know.
Look, you rented out half the cheesecake factory.
We have to go and eat.
It's really expensive.
I know how expensive the cheesecake factory is.
Thanks.
Dougie, they're serving salads.
Come on.
Go, Dougie.
Don't.
Don't.
Go your wife.
See on the other side.
What does that mean?
You're coming in.
You're sitting next to me.
Hi.
I'm still here.
I know.
I love you.
You are like...
Ah, whatever.
Well, we're going to get you.
He got busy.
Ain't got all goddamn things.
I just could really use some advice.
All right.
What's bothering you?
Well, there's this guy that I like.
He's in my Psych 101 class.
And he never talks to me.
And I try to talk to him and he just acts like he can't hear me.
Maybe he can't hear me.
I'm speaking really low.
Well, here's the problem.
First, you need to learn how to love yourself.
See, you come in here.
I can just tell from the way you're carrying yourself
that you're pretty mousy.
You're a very insecure person.
What you need to do is you need to take yourself on a date.
And that's done.
Someone else will want to take you on one.
Really?
And get at it.
I mean, you're a friend, what can I get you?
Uh, you got any beers?
Right, yeah.
I'll take a Gold West Hammer IPA Double Triple Hopper.
What's that?
It's a Gold West it is.
So what brings you here, friend?
So it's a happy hour?
Yeah, it's such a happy hour.
I got this girl, right?
She doesn't notice me.
It's like every time I see her, it's like I'm looking down
an old mine shaft, trying to tell if it's going to cave in
or canary's going to fly out.
You know what I mean?
I know what you mean.
I try peacocking all the time.
I read about it in a book about picking up chicks.
I'll wear fancy hats with glow sticks on my ears.
Or I'll buy some kind of exotic snake.
I'll carry it down the street and ask tourists to take pictures of me.
None of it seems to tickle or fancy.
What do I do?
I'll tell you what you do.
Get the fuck out of my bar.
Get the fuck out of my bar.
Shit, fuck, fuck, fuck.
You all right there?
Fucking all right.
What's the matter?
I picked up the wrong bag when I left the house.
Well, we have a lost and found over here.
I'll just put it in with everything else.
Now, what's really going on?
I just got cancer.
Well, you see, cancer is the result of a multiplication of cells.
Chemotherapy is a common term of treatment.
I know no good endocrinologist if you want to get a recommendation.
I was going to try to treat this shit myself.
Don't treat it yourself. That's a bad idea.
You can tell that.
I was going to try to move my stuff to my new apartment.
Everything is broken.
I dropped it.
The boxes were heavier than we thought every time.
Why the pain for this shit?
We moved it from your old place to the new place.
The boxes are all here.
They've been moved.
This is my mother's vase. It's covered in mud.
Why is there mud everywhere?
I want some mud.
This is a city. Where is there mud?
It was dirt first.
I'm suing your company or you are paying me.
Why did you move out of your old place?
It was nicer than this place.
It was closer to where your stuff was.
You must know there was a neighbor who was really bothering me.
You tried to talk to him?
Excuse me?
I did. I tried to talk to him.
What happened?
He was some sort of psychopath or something.
Is that your normal voice?
Can you talk in?
Excuse me?
I was saying you have telegraph and a lot of information.
But that is how people are going to walk away from you fast.
I haven't held you very long.
But all you've done is yell at me.
What is this shit?
This is your stuff and you call it shit.
This was my stuff.
Oh my god.
Why are you paying $600 for this pantsuit?
Really?
Why is it hanging from a light fixture?
Because it's not supposed to wrinkle.
I mean, maybe you're too tired of material objects.
Besides, who buys a pantsuit at Bibbit?
It's Friday Night Slutware.
And look, it's how in sync we have.
You guys are really in sync.
I admire that. I don't have any really close friends.
And I do spend so much on my clothing.
It's $600 at Bibbit.
You gotta take it.
Is that how you pronounce it?
I always said beepie.
There you go.
I don't want it.
I can't sit here.
It's broken.
You want to sit here?
It's less broken.
It's like a half rocking chair now.
It just does the rock. Now it's just a chair.
Upgrade.
Roof!
So, uh, seriously, what happened?
Why are you at this smaller place when you're at another place?
You can't just be in the cousin's neighbor.
That's a huge, maybe a huge rock.
I'm running from something.
Oh man, did you kill someone like that pretty girl in Lost?
It was my life!
Can anybody hear me?
Can anybody hear me?
Is anybody on this frequency?
Is anybody here?
Yeah.
Who is this?
It's Tank Dankson.
This frequency has been turned on in 15 years.
This is John McLean.
John McLean?
That's right.
Excuse me.
Can I make a sign in?
I have an audition on the sixth floor.
Right over there.
Go ahead, John McLean.
I'm stuck up on the top floor.
What?
I'm stuck up on the top of this building.
Do you ever notice that the elevators don't go all the way up?
He's right.
I've been eating saltines and whatever bugs happen to crawl through the space for 15 years.
I just recently found a couple of batteries to make this radio work.
Wait a minute.
You're telling me to die hard?
It's a factory battery, yes.
I knew it.
I knew it.
I've been telling my manager since day one.
I'm sorry.
I'm venting.
But I've been telling my manager since day one that this is real.
What do you need from me?
I need you to come up here and get me.
But beware.
There may be a couple more operatives in the building.
I don't know.
John McLean, those operatives have met Tank Dankson.
I just want you to know I'm a pretty good actor too.
We're playing a lot of security guards.
Pardon me.
Is there a place you got a cappuccino or perhaps today's newspaper?
You are today.
Time magazine.
Or perhaps you're a columnist?
Yeah, sure.
Right over there, buddy.
Thank you.
Oh my God, oh my God, what did I do?
Oh my God.
You were really great when we called like this.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
He's really nervous.
He was really nervous when he got this.
He's just really, he's stressed out.
That's all.
There's a lot of people in the room, but they're really nice.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
John, I just killed a guy.
I didn't feel good about it.
I've been there really.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I get a lot of people I didn't feel good about.
You seriously ate bugs for 15 years?
15 years, man.
It's not cool.
How do you dispose of a dead body besides throwing it out of a window?
That's all we did, we just thrown it out the window.
We can pick like three different free subscriptions with these points.
That's...
You don't care.
I can tell in your eyes, you don't care.
No, I care.
I think that's great.
Pick whatever fucking magazine you want.
I'm sorry.
I thought this would be nice.
We have breakfast before you go to work and talk about what I do with my day, because
normally you just get home and then it's about what you did with your day.
It could be funny that people gossip.
Yeah.
Can you try, Jeff?
Yeah.
I...
I...
We shouldn't have gotten married.
I know this is a bad time, but there's no good time.
You don't have fun!
And I'm just gonna go get married, too!
I spanked!
Think about what you're doing.
I'm gonna go buy the first girl and find love!
I'm sorry.
I just ran into you and pretended to fall in love.
Out of spite because I'm gay.
And the guy's like, you married someone who looks just like my wife.
That is outrageous!
You just looked like her, so you made it better.
I mean, not for our fake marriage.
Are you crying?
I'm trying to cry!
We talk really smart.
It just makes me need somebody who I understand.
So does that mean my life is also okay?
I think you're gonna have to move out.
Okay.
Do you just get your stuff and you can't look at it?
Guys, come here.
You just get out of there.
Look, I know that marriage changes people.
We all look different after course of our life.
Was it because I chose the cheesecake after it?
No, it wasn't that at all.
It's just that we all start one thing.
And we become something else at the end.
And between then and whatever that is,
is a tapestry of God's lottery.
We have no idea what's gonna happen.
So like, you can't play, but don't play yourself.
Play me a little, but not too much.
C-sexuality is a spectrum.
No one's 100% gay and no one's 100% straight.
Is that true?
It's absolutely true.
I myself am probably 85% straight, 15% gay.
I've been stuck on a Ferris wheel.
All right, we got talent coming in in five minutes, you guys.
We got talent coming in in five.
Let's make sure everything is tip-top, all right?
I'm not allowed to say her name, but when talent comes in,
you know, so we really want this G-cube cover to fly, okay?
Is lemonade all right?
Is that good?
I got yellow lemonade, but it's not, like, overly sugared?
Any sugar is bad sugar.
Come on.
Okay.
Okay.
I heard what you said, and I know you're taking a class in stand-ups.
So was that a joke?
Are you setting up a joke?
You really should have come see my set.
I don't go to stand-up shows, okay?
I have sunflowers and Gerber daisies.
This is a sunflower.
This is a Gerber daisies.
You know she's allergic to the color yellow.
Come on, Sheila.
Okay.
Now, let's speak nice tea.
Let's speak nice tea.
I got catering.
There was no vitamin.
Okay.
Well, that's fine.
It's a great thing.
She sponsors vitamin water.
So if you can't bring a competitor brand in front of her and show it to me,
it's like a fuck you.
It's like a branding fuck you.
It's like a fuck you.
It's Jennifer Aniston.
Oh, we're not allowed to sit in front of her.
Jennifer.
You shut up.
You use your mouth to shut up.
It's like a candy man.
Come on.
If you say it three times, you know what happens.
Someone will break up with her.
Don't say it.
You say it twice.
Do not say it again.
Don't say it again.
She's fragile.
It's too recent, like red roses.
She said Jennifer Aniston.
You move.
Hey, everybody.
Okay.
Just let me go.
Oh, my God.
Go away.
Hey, boy.
So happy to have you here.
So happy to have you.
You look fantastic.
Are you crying?
Are you already crying?
Is this something that happened in the car?
Is this something that happened in the car?
She broke up with me.
Maybe it's just one of those relationship speed bumps.
Like, you know.
I'm never going to fuck with me.
Don't say that.
Don't say that.
Don't talk to the votes.
Okay.
All right.
Hey, Jen.
It's just that we've got a lot of really nice cameras.
Some real soft lighting.
Red roses.
Troy got a china ball.
He's having a drink.
It's okay.
Kind of fucked up, Diane.
I thought you might be thirsty.
You're wasting away.
Oh, God.
She died smiling.
What a bitch.
So I'm ready to shoot now.
Let's go.
What?
What?
What?
What?
What you?
What you?
