A life more streamlined, brought to you in association with the Volkswagen Passat CC.
Hello?
Hello Mum.
No, no, I'm just about to head to the airport.
Yes, in the car, given up on the milk float.
What?
Well, have you turned it on?
Yes, I know you're not stupid, it's just you haven't used a laptop before.
A laptop is a computer, Mum.
You don't know what your password is.
Did you write it down?
Yes, I know they tell you not to write it down.
Is it my name?
Is it Dad's name?
Is it Dad?
It's Dad.
Okay, great, right, okay.
So you've got your emails open, right?
No, don't open that one, Mum.
No, because it probably isn't a bigger patio that they're offering.
Don't open that either.
Because he's probably not the lovely Nigerian former Minister of Finance you think he is, alright?
No, I haven't emailed you, Mum, I'm in the car.
Look, I've got to go.
Just press delete.
I mean, what is it about parents?
Just because they feed you clothes, you raise you, send you to school,
put a roof over your heads for the first 15 or so years of your life.
They think that gives them permission to talk to you any time of day or night about anything.
They think that gives them permission to talk to you any time of day or night about anything that comes into their heads.
Oh, don't look at me like that.
I mean, parents make you feel guilty.
I haven't even done anything wrong.
She said it was fine.
She didn't sound upset or anything.
Or she did sound a bit miffed.
But I didn't ask to be born.
I mean, does anyone?
I mean, are we all hanging around in some celestial waiting room
and some bloke comes up to you with a clipboard and says,
ah, I understand you're waiting to be born.
Is that so?
Come with me.
Babies cry so you pick them up.
Puppies look at you with those big, soulful eyes so you rub their tummy-tum-tums.
And parents say to you, oh, don't worry, dear, just call us when you can.
Your father and I have got so little to do since we retired
and it makes you just go, ah!
It's like there are two umbilical cords.
This one that you know about and they cut off after you're born
and this other secret invisible one
that you don't find out about until she can't get online.
I mean, granted, she's from the olden days,
but if you think about it, so are computers.
I mean, they had them in wartime.
I actually think they should get lots of old people around these PC hotlines.
Then people could call in, get their data issues solved
and have a lovely chat about rationing.
But she can't work the internet and I get a phone call.
Hello, Mum, it's me.
No, no, everything's fine. I just sort of called back.
Yeah, listen, now, if you ask the computer to save your password,
yeah, yeah, that's right, you just hit save.
Yeah, no, no, I've got plenty of time.
