The two main characters from our TV show are back together, so it feels fitting to write
to you.
It's not only that, though, I'm also drinking a manors, which hasn't happened in years.
It was the birthday episode that made all these puzzle pieces of my past and present
come together.
The manors, the show, me having had spent the entire day of my 25th birthday in tears
the result of which is this correspondence.
I still have your father's sweater.
I live in a studio apartment that is 10 x 10 feet and I've thrown most of my belongings
clothes out because of the spatial limitations but the sweater has persisted.
I feel guilty and warm when I wear it, with thoughts of your family and the farm.
I know I should give it back, but I can't.
I won't.
It's because I can't.
I'm sorry things went so poorly when we were in Boston together.
I live here now.
This city is still shit.
I had entered into a tumultuous relationship that year that you visited, one that was built
on passion and pain.
It clouded my judgment and still does, but it definitely led to my confused state during
our time together that ended so.
It didn't even seem negative but simply was sad or maybe not even sad but I guess it was
just very real the way it all faded out.
I didn't have the words and so I couldn't speak or explain and for that I feel saddened
because every emotion deserves a discussion.
It's strange though because I can still feel how happy I was for those six months in Australia.
Maybe it was because we were younger and stupider and didn't have responsibilities.
Maybe it's because we were delusional.
Maybe it was the sun or the alcohol or maybe we were in true love.
All this to say that I rewatch my 21st birthday video every six months and feel again guilty
and warm with an added tinge of sadness at being older and feeling lonelier but that's
what happens when you're consistently running away.
I still have your boxers too.
I wear them when I'm on my period.
They give me physical and emotional comfort even if it's only for a second.
This writing has been all about me and you can count the eyes like it's a game but it's
all about you too.
I'm not writing this to reconcile anything or to presume we'll even see each other again
but I wanted you to know how truly happy I was when I was around you.
It's a feeling that has outlasted space, remembrance and time.
Thank you for affording me that luxury.
I of course want to know how you are, where you are, what you are at this point in your
life but conversing this way would bring us back to our darkest place.
So I'll continue to re-watch our show and in doing so, I will re-watch who we were and
what a beautiful mini-lifetime we had together.
I hope you are shining, I hope you are traveling, I hope you are living, I hope you are happy,
I appreciate you and everything you opened me to, fondly, kindly, sappily, Keaton.
I am about to hit export and my brain heart feels wildly embarrassed because this video
is emotional and is about love and proofs that I am not the robot that I like to make
people think I am.
This is an attempt to grow, I hope you understand, either now or later, the future is human.
Thank you for watching.
I hope you understand either now or later, the future is human.
Thank you for watching.
