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Oh, so close, so close to fruition, so close to solving it all, so close to making it happen.
If only I was an Indian peasant, this math would come so much easier to me.
There's a grand unifying theory that says that everything in the world is related.
Everything from the greatest galaxy to the tiniest...
To a butterfly in Thailand, to a period in Egypt, to a shower in the middle of my apartment.
All related!
But we all know what the connective tissue is.
No one can tell.
This shower head was installed by an Indian peasant who was supposed to be a mathematical genius,
but instead, he was a plumber.
Think about it!
This soap was made by a woman who was supposed to get married on Christmas Day,
but instead, she left her husband at the office.
Think about it!
Conditioner is made from ground-tied butterflies.
Think about it!
This hair in the bottom of the shower does not belong to one person that lives in this domicile.
How did it get here?
Think about it!
Nobody wants to listen!
Nobody wants to listen!
Nobody wants to listen!
It's crazy!
I mean, if you say there are too many things coming together,
then they think it's a madhouse!
It's like there's too many people in this room, you guys!
There's too many people!
Okay, yeah, there's too many people!
There's too many people standing up!
There's too many people!
Okay, so I'm just going to leave!
I'm leaving!
You can't leave!
I'm leaving!
Last man standing.
Now what?
All right!
Hey Karen!
Hey Joe, what's going on?
So you're doing the farsure again, huh?
Yeah, I'm just the feng shui!
It's us!
Karen, I think the farsure is fine.
I don't think we need to do a hair and it's been fine.
It's been fine since we hired you three weeks ago.
Karen, meet me now.
Yes, Joe?
Yes?
Neil and I would like just a minute of your time.
Does Neil have to be here?
It's my house.
Don't, don't.
Don't ever get between us like this.
Oh, no, no, no.
You're between us right now.
Okay.
Karen?
Yes, Joe?
Neil and I think this is taking way too long.
I don't know why this has to be all about Neil.
Who put the down payment on the house?
Okay, now it's about Neil.
No, no, Terry.
That's not.
I get it.
Here's a CPA.
Oh, here we go again.
Mr. Moneybags!
Look, it's not about you.
She's on the hourly rate.
She's like a Chinese.
Tell us about feng shui.
You're right, Neil.
You're right.
Karen?
Yes, Joe?
I think you should work more efficiently.
And maybe so efficiently that you're done by the end today and out of our lives.
I know the Chinese have a rich tradition of having a long memory with history.
But that doesn't mean that you, he knows.
Don't, don't, don't.
Neil knows he visited the Yangtzee.
Again, yes.
I have been in a river boat.
That night, on the Yangtzee, that was slower than you already said.
I would just like to point out that while you two are raising this huge kerfuffle over here.
Oh, now she speaks German.
Nobody!
Nobody!
Nobody!
Nobody!
Nobody listens!
Nobody listens!
Nobody listens!
All right.
Yeah.
I know Dave.
I know.
I know.
Just let it go.
It wasn't like murder.
It was just a joke.
No!
Let it go!
Just let it go!
Look at what's getting to you.
Look at you.
You're sweating through your shirt.
I know.
Nobody's called me an Indian peasant mathematical genius before.
I know.
I took it as an insult.
I don't even know how to take it.
But look at you.
You're a mess.
I'm sorry.
It's just...
Look, you're good with math, okay?
It makes some people upset.
Okay?
It doesn't make them upset, but it makes them feel less dangerous.
Do what you're doing.
Do what you're doing.
You're like a whirlwind.
Like a whirling dervish.
Can I say something?
Yes.
This is why you're 42 and you're still on the third floor.
Boom.
All right.
I'm sorry.
Problems with your math.
You said this is why you're 42.
Yes.
Time is relative, so I'd be 42 whether or not this actually happened.
Okay.
You see, that's the problem of being an Indian peasant mathematical genius is whenever you
make a math metaphor, and you fuck it up invariably.
Yes.
Listen.
I'm the only living descendant of Princess Sokotoa.
Okay?
And there comes a lot of pressure with that.
All right?
Princess Sokotoa, the Indian princess who is dangling her foot into the water, forming
a right triangle with her knee.
She looked down at the reflection in the pond that formed the hypotenuse of the triangle.
And then the tangent is the other part of it, spelling out my family last name, Sokotoa.
Sokotoa equals opposite divided by hypotenuse.
C-A-H.
Cosine is adjacent divided by hypotenuse.
Dang!
Almost done.
Toa, tangent is opposite by adjacent.
Give me some fucking sun tea.
I'm out of here.
Sorry.
No one listens.
You're not serious about this, are you?
Yeah.
You're changing careers?
Yeah.
At 35?
Mm-hmm.
Making it happen.
Heading out to the great beyond.
Me?
A rudder?
The horizon?
Nothing else.
You lived in Ohio your entire life.
Yep.
I drank water my whole life, too.
We're 75 percent.
Why'd you hear that, friend?
You're part of the ocean.
The ocean is you.
You walk into it, it's like you're back in utero.
You can come with me.
No.
You don't need to pass where we're going.
No, because I have a family.
I have responsibilities.
All this stuff for sale?
Yep.
All of it.
That's like a single of jump around.
No, no.
I like that you put it in a CD jewel box.
Yeah.
Because it's worth a lot of money.
Yes.
Yep.
Don't need that where I'm going.
No.
Okay.
High seas.
Going behind on life.
My friend Bobby here is convinced that he's a natural born sailor.
Mm-hmm.
My friend J. B. here is convinced that I'm not.
Because I've never been on the open ocean.
How much do you want for this original cast picture of the Drew Carey show?
Yeah.
How much is the tree wood?
How much is the barnacle wood?
How much is the sea eyes?
Two dollars.
You gain when you're out there.
Two dollars.
How much for this cast single of rump shaker by Rex in effect?
How much is it worth to you, friend?
Because I don't need currency where I'm going.
I don't need shekels, shells.
I don't need that stuff.
Because where I'm going?
Three dollars.
The only currency is salt air.
And the reflection that you see.
You take it.
Go ahead, J. B.
Is this a broken toaster?
Let me ask you this.
Who broke your toaster?
Well, I guess it was my third boyfriend.
Where I'm going, you'll need boyfriends.
The company of a sea otter.
How much for this broken toaster?
Fifty cents.
I'm going on the open seas.
I'm 35 years old and I don't have a fear in the world.
Or a flake of dandruff on my head.
You're acting crazy.
You know that, right?
Look, I saw things, okay?
I saw things the other day at TGI Fridays.
It was right between my first half and my second.
Lucille was bringing me my mud slide.
Your fifth mud slide.
Guys, we are dragging our apps out here.
We've got to get these apps out real quick.
I'm trying.
There are like 18 apps in the window.
Lucille, just get those apps.
Guys, I said it's fucking fifth mud slide.
I can't do this.
Lucille!
Lucille!
I think you've had enough.
I think your pals had a little too much there.
You keep it quiet in your brown shoes.
I think you've had enough.
We've had enough of you, Mr. Brown Shoes.
All of us are wearing brown shoes.
Left.
Body wise!
Picture perfect clarity.
When I saw that big brain splint spray all over your face,
it formed a map of the South Pacific.
I could see everything.
Tahiti, Tigi, Hawaii, Guam, everything in between.
Rapa Nui or Easter Island as they call it.
And I said to myself, all I need is a yard snail and a tree.
So I'm going where the sun shines all day.
The salt is sweet.
Ah, the air is free.
The air is always free.
I am so excited.
I've never seen Psycho before.
Here is Popcorn.
I'm excited to be with you.
I know.
I don't watch movies anything made before 1991 has to suck, right?
So I don't watch movies.
So it's like in Black and White or Subtitles or something.
Psycho, alright.
Who's on this soundtrack?
Ah, it's his mother.
What?
Not all.
No.
The Psycho?
Yeah, what's his mother?
Does anyone know this now?
I haven't even seen the movie yet.
But something's been crushed in my soul.
I feel like I got up for school on the first day of school
and someone had shit all over my uniform.
Pam, did you plan this?
What?
This is a really shady thing.
This is your wife.
What is that?
That imp who ruins movies just pokes his head in the air?
What?
Accidentally?
That's my husband, Jerry.
Yeah, we're married and him.
No, wait, you guys.
He has some serious imp-like qualities.
I just want to apologize to you all and I have a movie with-
He's like a pan flutist who just comes in here and ruins people's day.
Why isn't he here watching the movie with us?
And I have a husband in another room, like in every room?
Jerry!
And what's up with his feet being clothed in hooves?
He was born that way.
Don't mention it, please.
Oh!
Danger!
Jerry, these are the guys.
We're the guys.
Yeah, we're the guys.
Came to watch a classic, classic American cinema.
Yeah.
And you came over here with your tiny baby wings and you ruined it.
I have a backup plan, guys.
A backup plan?
You mean the film, the backup plan with Jennifer Aniston?
No.
No.
That was horrible.
That was really horrible.
Jason Bainman is very charming.
Underrated.
It's underrated.
We're going to watch a whole TV series.
I'll start with this one.
They got together at the end, Jerry.
They got together at the end.
I actually haven't seen that movie since.
Ah, Jerry.
We've reached a date hunt.
What are we watching, sweetheart?
Jerry.
Jerry!
Get in here!
Get in here!
As my favorite diabolic satyr,
I have to call into question some of your latest skis.
Yes.
I mean, come on.
Spoiling movies?
I know we're in a technological age, but please.
I've been the mother of all death and destruction.
Every time!
Oh!
People need to achieve.
And if you're ever going to get to the sub-third level
in this hell,
then you're going to need to be more of a...
What?
Is this your Netflix?
Yes.
Ah, usual suspects, huh?
Yes, I've heard about it for years.
Kevin Spacey's supposed to be absolutely conniving.
Yeah, he's kinds of suspect.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Oh, my God!
Joe.
Neil.
It's me.
It's Karen.
I think you're making a grave.
It's driving me crazy.
It's a grave.
Is that a morning?
I'm not letting her in.
It's for the morning.
It's Karen.
I'm here.
Oh, she brought her head.
You're back up.
This is Marilyn, my partner.
You guys, I just...
I am on record as being against this idea.
This is something that's driving me crazy, you guys.
Is it your head?
Yeah.
Yeah, crazy.
Because that's the thing that's making you nuts.
Kevin.
Did you get a new cover on your doorbell?
Yeah, I got it down at, uh, Linnons and Things.
What happened to the mirrored one that I put on here?
For the record, this is Garish.
Let me out there.
Did you know?
No, no, no.
The mirrored one broke because it was made in China and it broke into a thousand pieces.
So we have, like, ten thousand years of bad luck,
which I'm sure will be remembering.
Neil, let me just talk to Joe.
Joe, you were supposed to have a mirror on your front door.
It makes people who are walking up to your front door look at themselves before they look at you.
It's Feng Shui.
No, no.
You're not doing that to me, Karen.
Just let me in.
There's just one little thing.
Marilyn knows about it.
She's here to back me up.
She's here to get me out if I'm too slow.
I say we do it.
I don't know.
She's only ruined 60 days of our remodels.
I'm gonna go watch the East Coast feed of the Today Show.
Hoden Codbee will be on to me.
I love that very much.
We're here, you're up.
Just open the door.
Come in.
Fine.
Come in.
I'll make you a drink.
Not this early or this late.
Oh, this, Karen.
I missed you.
Karen, was this mudroom your idea?
Yes.
Oh, that we're in a dry climate.
You put a mudroom in this area.
That's why it's all cracked and looks like never James almost his face.
That's me.
I'll feel free to.
No, no, no.
We're going.
We're going.
Let's go, now.
Let's go, Marilyn.
Come on.
What?
You're taking that chair?
I'm leaving.
You're taking that in our chair?
No.
You submitted receipts for that chair?
It's been long in here and it's been driving me crazy.
Oh, my God.
Feel the energy.
Thank you.
Energy?
You're taking one of our chairs.
That's the energy.
What she's taking away is the burden of both of your pasts.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Ever since we got these chairs, something's bad's been happening to us.
Shut up.
Be hopeful.
Karen, I will slap you.
I will stop you with or without your head.
But just be me and Joe, this has to be perfect.
Perfect.
Don't let him get inside your head.
I hope you're both very happy.
How could we be happy?
I was happy when I fell asleep to the golden girl's marathon.
I'm not happy now.
Shut up.
I never wanted to sit in this chair ever again.
You know, I had a strong inclination to write you up to some sort of interior decorator's
guild.
He's a citizen of control.
What do you mean?
I would dare just as soon as I get their mailing address.
You could just look it up online if you were so inclined.
Now I know step one.
I owe you an apology.
It's all right.
I was kind of being mouthy myself.
Put it there.
I only said Indian because that's your nationality.
I only said mathematical because you're good with numbers.
And I only said genius because I really look up to people.
Your shirt says too cute to be forgotten with the plus sign and equals forgotten.
I like that shirt.
Want to have some fire water?
You're making it real hard for me not to make the same mistake again.
It's all right.
You could trade some wampum if you want to.
I should be happy to know person charges.
What is head in the toilet?
What do you need?
He's frat movie?
Yes.
42 years old.
42 years old.
Yeah.
When I'm 43 it won't be a prime number.
And no, it will be a prime number.
So you've done yourself.
Take it away your only gift.
For what?
Gift or a curse, Tom.
Gift or a curse.
I'll hear the judge or title your life.
You're just pointing at me.
Oh, you watched the fucking movie.
Spent a lot of time looking at me with a scolding gaze.
I'm missing a half day's work because I've got to drive you home.
Sorry if the priest doesn't go for it.
I'm raged.
Meanwhile generations back in the time stream we see Princess Sokotoa
approach the stream.
Gentle and gentle.
A sea butterfly lands on her to cook.
The fairest of all God's insects.
A mute songbird lands on her other shoulder.
The most common of God's mistakes.
They're thinking she's alone.
She removes her gilded slipper.
She falls upon her reflection.
Despite her frivolity and joy at her reflection
she can't help but notice shadows
hidden in the water at a certain angle.
And in the river floats a dead mathematician.
She goes to his pocket and pulls out in a waterproof case
a protractor.
She recedes to use to comb her hair.
So you see kids, history is alive.
What you thought was a charming family story
was actually a story of theft.
That through the years has turned into a myth
to justify a name.
This is why you are an Indian mathematical genius.
Genius.
Genius.
J.B.
J.B.
J.B.
Is that you?
Yeah.
I've been out here for so long.
I rescued this man.
He fell off a tanker.
We've been eating seagulls.
The jewel.
I can't tell.
The tree is so much salt water.
I don't know if you were right or wrong.
Are you hallucinating?
Are you standing on water?
No, I'm standing on dock, Bobby.
Bobby, you never unmoored.
You never even went out.
I got to take some blame here.
I'm a captain of a tanker.
And I fell off of my own tanker.
We've been eating seagulls for a week.
Seagulls.
Bobby.
They're delicious.
Knock it off.
Bobby, you are a 35-year-old man.
You have a career in advertising.
And it is time to go home.
We're in international waters.
So it should be just a minute now until Bobby gets in this presentation.
Is there any more water I can get you?
It's been a while.
We actually have a train to catch.
A train?
There's Bobby Doherty or Tom...
What is this?
Why is he showering in a water bottle in the middle of your office?
Because I've faced death and stared at it.
I've seen things I couldn't believe.
I've faced death and stared at it.
This is going to sell us so much shampoo.
Now that we finally got Neil out of the picture.
See, it's all connected, everybody.
It's all connected.
Everybody says it's all connected.
That shampoo sits in a shower cradle, in a shower.
It came from a rafts in a seamy valley, 25 miles from here.
But the soap, the soap is from Southern Arizona, from the Qualipi tribe land.
And the loop that hangs here so innocently came from a pirate in Somalia.
His rich shop both flowed in haplessly in the waters of the African seas.
So tonight, when you think about how everything is connected,
go home, look in the mirror, and judge who's real psycho.
Woo!
