We are POTO NOWHERE!
We're about to make up an entire show right on the spot and just in order to do that,
we need a word.
Peacock.
Peacock.
Peacock.
Peacock.
Peacock.
Wait, what?
Peacock.
You make me look bad up there!
I'm going to make you look like an idiot.
That's bad, I don't want to look like an idiot.
You're too bad, man.
I'm getting all juiced up.
All axed down.
Greek.
I can't even stand there.
It's too much.
You put on too much already.
That's right, I'm going to keep putting it on.
I'm pan-caking down.
I'm going to look like one of those Chinese actresses.
Some people don't need artificial sense.
Just sweat God gave me, God gave me.
Just that glow and musk.
I don't need no cans.
Plucking your eyelashes.
That's right, every other one.
You've got to thin out the herd.
They're just in the way.
You have your thick lashes.
You've had your thick drooping over your green eyes.
Maybe that's better.
It's like a bush in front of a turkey.
I'm going to have a light, gauzy curtain
in front of beautiful blue orbs.
A polluted ocean of hate.
Full of pearls and clams.
Made larger by the pollution.
They're the only thing left.
Giant.
You're helping me work up a sweat.
Thank you.
All right guys, the karaoke cage match starts in five.
Thank you five.
I'm going to spray chemicals into my mouth.
This is slippery on extract.
This is totally natural.
All of this is unnatural.
This is completely natural.
When I get up there, they're going to take a look at my glam face
and my glam jumpsuit.
They're going to say, that's a guy that can sing Gary Glitter really well.
Gary Glitter.
I'm going to be Gary Glitter.
You just told me all you need to tell me.
What?
Steve, what was wrong with Gary?
He's my idol.
What?
Not everyone can be, what are you, Ben Queller?
Ben Queller is a god.
Not everyone knows him.
That's good.
You can't go to a sporting event where they're not one trash song.
That's right.
What trash song?
It's in every single one.
Ben Queller is only in the best indie films.
At play dock, houses full of nobodies going nowhere.
Adjusting their glasses.
Thinking about whether they should start an artisanal beef jerkery.
They should just strap the armed suspenders back on.
Get back to the bar where they're making an old fashioned out of neckfarts.
Garbage.
That's what that garbage chemical does.
I don't want it.
I want to talk about loser attitudes.
Excuse me, I got to do some pre-show preparation.
Just don't think about him, don't think about him.
You must deal with a lot of pricks.
Toil's my blood, I can't do it.
It's not forever, you just do what you got to do in college and then you find a new job.
I want a job, I want to follow my calling.
I'm singing the songs of Benjamin Queller.
I'm just working this shift so I can get through this degree.
That's good to have a goal and that gets you through the shit.
You can deal with SOB's.
There's a future for me.
There's a future for you too.
Come on.
There absolutely is, there's no reason to cry.
That degree is going to be like your wings.
Right here to a greater sky.
I'm telling you, you hold on to your dreams and they'll take you where balloons go.
I thought I was going to have more fun in college.
I thought it was going to be more fun and it's not.
What's fun?
Fun is fleeting.
I had a fun memory.
Fun is an old crackdown.
You know what's fun?
Getting up there.
Singing a song, you know?
Whatever your thing is in your heart.
That's your fun.
I couldn't possibly do what you do.
Sure you could.
That's why I picked geology because you don't talk to me.
Geology?
You're a rock girl.
You're a rock girl.
You're rockin' our own way.
I don't think someone who writes their thesis on igneous rocks are they hardcore enough.
I don't think that's going to get me any cred on the stage.
Besides, I...
You could do a TED talk. That's on the stage.
I'd watch that. I'd watch 12 minutes talking about rocks.
You've got to find your stage.
You've got to find your stage.
You find your stage, you get on it and you float on.
You're really into that floating metaphor.
Sky's the limit.
You're going to beat this guy?
Oh yeah!
And if I don't, I'll beat the next guy.
Karen, can I give you a hug?
Because that's the most inspirational thing I've ever heard.
Listen, I'm full of inspiration tonight.
What happens if you don't beat the next guy?
I can always sing on YouTube.
It's not the bottom line, but it's not the worst thing that can happen, right?
You know, I got... I think my brain's done again.
I can't sit. I get the case of the willies.
So this is it? Is it where the cage match goes down?
This is it.
Calm before the storm.
Just work here. They said this is where I need to come.
This is where the best comes, is what they said.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Best and the brightest.
Columbus, Ohio. That's where I came from.
Pearl of Ohio.
Carrier of the capital of the Midwest.
So what's your flavor?
So what's going to come out of your mouth tonight?
I like to let the DJ pick at random.
Oh, Comic-Con!
Turn off the screen. Put something on. I got it.
I beat a lot of you guys to get where I am tonight.
So I look forward to beating you tonight.
The other door was locked.
So I went around.
Good.
Security.
Yeah, exactly.
You're here basking it.
It was worth the go-around.
What it was?
I feel good.
I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt your conversation.
Just giving lessons.
Just stepping around. I'm learning about this town.
I'm from Columbus, Ohio.
You say that with pride.
If you were from the karaoke capital of the Midwest, wouldn't you?
This is a karaoke place.
Bet your ass.
Well, I don't sing.
The last time I sang, I almost killed someone.
I used to not sing.
Then I did. That's where I am.
It doesn't feel comfortable at all.
It doesn't feel good.
I don't call it singing.
It's just karaoke. That's what I do.
Singings for TV and American Idol.
This is bigger than that.
Singings for people with talent is what he's trying to say.
You seem like a man with that in space.
Thank you. You have a wise eye.
I hope that throat is talfing.
What happened? Sit down.
We're going to have to postpone the karaoke.
Come on.
There's a belligerent man out there.
What? Just a drunk?
No, it's...
You don't like drunks here? You don't want that to be a part of karaoke?
Columbus, Ohio.
I'm not going back out there. I'm not serving them in.
It's Larry and he's a little more belligerent than usual.
Fucking Larry!
Because! Because!
We just got some news that is going to shake the karaoke world to its core.
It wasn't me. It was not me.
Billy Joel is dead.
No!
I'd like to make a change with my song selection.
Well, we got to talk about how we're going to handle this.
It's either everybody does Billy Joel or nobody does Billy Joel.
I called the inspector wire. I called it first.
You know what? You put on whatever Billy Joel song you want.
Turn off the monitor. I'm a singer.
Man, that's a death wish.
Too soon, man. Too far.
I think I'm going to do Tiny Dancer.
Uh, that's old John about that.
He wants to do Tiny Dancer.
He's not allowed to sing his own song now.
If he's not doing...
Joel! Nobody's doing Joel!
Maybe I want to see old John.
Hey, he's still alive. We could actually see him.
You know what? Larry's still out there.
And I'm not serving drinks until he leaves.
Well, I hit him with my big old left, but I just did this, so...
Shit, he broke it.
He's probably serving himself drinks at this point.
Stop running behind the bar!
Check out the front of this bar. Apparently it's fun around there.
Cleveland.
Columbus?
It almost works together.
Toledo, Cincinnati, Portsmouth.
It's the same damn places out there.
Did you not hear me jiggling this door?
It's locked. It's locked.
I don't know what the hell happened to Larry.
He's looking up from the door.
It's locked.
Mom.
Mom, mom.
Wait, is that door locked or not? It's locked.
It better be locked.
Not deadbolted.
Remember what happened the one time it wasn't locked and Larry came around the back?
We all remember.
Look, you're the...
Marricade the damn door.
You're the two best Kevin Yogi men I have.
I need you to keep it together, alright?
Things are getting ugly out there.
I just spent 45 minutes glamming myself up like mid-period David Bowie.
Now you're telling me...
Now you're telling me I do a Billy Joel song?
Yeah, I've decided it's...
The uptown girl comes out of this?
I mean, if there's a Billy Joel song that goes with that, it's uptown girl.
You didn't have to do that.
All you have to do is go out there and just make it your own.
You know, I'm reinterpreting Billy Joel via Gary Glitter with a side thing on David Bowie.
And a little Ziggy Stardust, whatever.
You know, I don't do this, you know.
I just made it to the place and he stuck it off.
He just got sucked into his gimmicks caught up with him.
Karaoke is an audio-visual art.
To negate one is to let the other suck.
And right.
Wow.
I'm gonna honor BJ tonight.
Billy Jones!
Do you want to go off with Bowie?
Go off.
I don't want to, I'm just looking like it.
Spent all the prep work.
I'm gonna lose because BJ finally kicked the fucking...
Oh, that's what this is about.
You're afraid you're gonna lose the chess match all because you're dressed up in raw.
Yes.
I mean, yeah, there's a chance that that's gonna happen.
Why the hell did you tell the crowd he died?
Did you tell them yet?
Cut the Wi-Fi, cut the Wi-Fi!
Of course, like, oh, oh, I'm just gonna keep that in?
What am I, the fucking boot up?
What?
I'm just gonna find out.
I'm just gonna find out Billy Joel is dead.
I won't tell anybody about that.
What is going on?
Hey, cinnamon.
He's getting in the way of everyone!
All I want is to make sure I'm gonna have your A-game out there, alright?
Everybody's out there, they're crying into their beers,
they're ordering extra shots, all for Billy Joel.
So I need your A-game, or we're gonna have some fucking riot.
I'll give you A-game.
I just have to get all this glitter off my face.
Can we hold this back for 30, 40 minutes?
You're getting the best goddamn uptown girl you've ever seen.
I'll do the best I can!
Right now I gotta tell Larry to stop growing up in all the waitresses.
They keep letting him in.
They don't learn.
They don't learn.
Sting me once.
You know he wants to do a can at me.
Can of Fosters.
Yeah.
Fools.
Fools of Fosters.
Right in my face.
It was like that scene in Blues Brothers,
but there was no chicken wire.
Oh god damn it.
Oh, Gage shut it.
I looked it up while I was in the can.
I hope you can handle a live crowd.
They're gonna have a live crowd.
They're gonna have a live crowd.
They're gonna have a live crowd.
They're gonna have a live crowd.
They're gonna have a live crowd.
They're gonna tear you apart.
You miss one little speck.
They see it shining off the lights.
Why's he celebrating his death?
Why's it clear on his face?
He'll rip you apart.
Don't you think I know that?
Steve, you've got the better voice.
A bargain?
You've got the better voice.
You've got the better voice.
Thank you.
You got it.
How are we gonna fix you?
I don't know how do you fix this?
Godzilla.
That's a cool piece.
The only times I ever beat you is when I nail the carrot.
It's when they really think Gary Glitter is coming out.
There he is.
Gary.
Master.
Yeah.
No.
You live by the gimmick, you die by the gimmick.
Tell that to emo Phillips.
You come in here and take a break, darling.
I know you're having a rough night.
You, you're on stage right now. Let's go.
Okay, wish me luck.
I fucking hate him.
God bless him.
He gave me kind of a rough welcome.
Do you guys not like Columbus, Ohio here?
We don't really think one way or the other about Columbus, Ohio.
We're like the Switzerland of America.
It's a little out of the color.
It's kind of a neutral city.
We like to stay that way.
We don't get a lot of hot shots coming in there trying to yokey all of a sudden.
Was it neutral in the Civil War?
I don't think it was a state yet.
That wasn't born in the Netherlands with you?
It was, it was part of the North.
Listen, the waitress over here.
I'm sorry, was I rude?
In Columbus, Ohio.
Take a look at that. You know what that's the face of?
That's the face of a geologist.
Sounds like a historian to me.
You just don't quit.
You Ohio boys.
Where did you go to school?
Yeah, where did you go to school?
Where did you study?
Where'd you go, buddy?
Uh, Capitol University.
Small school in Columbus, Ohio.
I know what you were thinking I was going to say, but I didn't go there.
I had better grades than that.
I'm doing this, I don't have any student loans, okay?
Simon works her ass off every week.
Slinging beers, replacing mikes, turning on and off Wi-Fi's.
Well, God didn't insult the job.
Just wondering how she knows so much about pre-Civil War Ohio.
Um, paying attention in school?
They teach you that in geology?
No, in friggin secondary school.
No, the one, the high school.
You taught you the names of the schools.
You gotta admit that was pretty on point.
I'm just giving you an inch.
A weirdo who walks in, makes fun of cinnamon, constantly talking about Ohio pride.
Guys ever been?
It's not the same thing, man, it's not the same thing.
No, I mean, we got the blue jackets.
They don't have a hockey team in Cleveland.
Pretty big difference.
One's north and close to Erie, one's in the center.
Which one?
Columbus, it's the capital.
Ted Strickland used to live there, he was the governor.
The king of the hill guy?
Did you guys know the Columbus blue jackets are called the blue jackets?
Because they made the blue jackets for the Union Army in the Civil War?
I knew that.
I just thought they were named after bees.
Do you need help with that?
No, I'm good, I'm good.
No one really goes to the games, so I mean, we don't really learn that stuff.
We got it.
Thank you.
You guys really, like, how glittery is my face still?
Would it be Gosh if I was, like, the ghost of him?
Sparkling as I come down?
I think, you know, we can turn the lights off.
It won't show up.
You know who's from Ohio?
Christy Brinkley.
You were just a Wikipedia artist.
She was his wife.
They were married, he made Uptown Girl about her.
She was trying to help you out when you go out there to sing.
Drop a little fact, it might help you beat that guy if you said you hate.
Good, there's a sink in here, I gotta wash out the blood.
What do you mean, are you okay, sir?
Yeah, no, I killed Larry.
No, that guy who was in here earlier, he really set me straight.
He said, go after your dreams, commit 100%.
Last time I sang, I almost killed a guy.
This time I killed a guy.
Mom?
Mom?
Is that legal here?
You know where it's illegal, I'll tell you, love.
They don't let that shit fly around from.
You're not gonna murder me, are you?
No, I don't know a lot about you.
Oh, well, I tried to go through that door.
It was locked, I made my way to that door, came in earlier,
had a brief series of conversations, then made my way out and did the same thing again.
Similar story, I took 70 East, got on 470, 79 North, so, you know, stay away in and out.
I think I like you.
Yeah, I hear her out in the hallway, and she's making a phone call.
I don't think I'm gonna be able to get out of this by talking my way out of it.
I don't know anyone here, so I can't really help you out, but, you know, if you get out,
I know places that you can stay safe.
I do need a place to go.
Would you be willing to harbor a guy who just murdered someone?
Yeah, it's just 79 South or 70 West, or 70 West.
Cool, cool.
Let's just do that.
Okay.
You wanna go now?
I mean, I'd like to get out of here.
I was hoping to sing some Joel, in all honesty.
Thank you.
Thank you.
