I need a female volunteer, not Mara.
Eenie meenie minie, no!
Erin, do join me on the stage for four minutes.
Four minutes, darling.
I shan't touch you, you're in no danger physically.
Although I don't do, it's fine, it's fine.
You just stand on the stage.
Do come up.
Now let me get your hair.
Sit on this, get away Clyde.
Have a stool.
Sit down, Erin, sit.
But mind the envelope, mind the envelope.
Now Erin, it's possible that I cannot define your filthy secrets.
How are you with food?
Food issues?
No.
Oh God, I have them.
There has been more than one night, Erin, when I've awoken from a sound sleep
to the plaintive screams of one last uneaten little Debbie oatmeal cream pie.
Debbie, Debbie, Debbie.
You may be little, but you've got a big girl's tricks.
Father?
Good relationship with your father?
No.
Better than you think, Erin.
For the man you think is your father is not your father,
you are actually the product of a lesbian experiment in your mother's college years,
which explains your recurring nightmare why Portia de Rossi tries to get you to buy a father's day tie for a turkey baster.
Treat me no differently, I'm just a man.
Now I'm going to need some help, Erin.
You're in no danger.
I don't think I can glean all of your secrets,
but perhaps my good friend Hypno can help.
That sweater's getting hot, Erin.
Oh, hey, Hypno.
Hypno's real name is Rufus.
But Rufi the Great is a terrible name for a man who puts women under spells,
especially when you do the college circuit.
And now, hang on, what?
The way this act works is,
Hypno will think of a joke and psychically communicate it to me.
And then, to the power of antrilipism, I will tell you the joke.
On me, on me.
How do you like school, Hypno?
Closed.
What do you call two Irish homosexuals?
William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam.
Yes, let's deal with Erin now, Hypno.
Erin.
What do you do, Erin?
I work at USC.
You work at USC?
Interesting.
Very sexual job.
Except for the Virgin, Erin, but I have broken my seal on more than a few new peanut brothers.
Tell me, Erin, I'm sensing that you lost someone, something.
I am seeing kind, sad eyes, a grandparent maybe licking their balls a dog,
or a very limber grandparent.
Have you lost a grandparent in the past 25, 30 years?
Yes.
Well done, Hypno.
And tell me, what was that grandparent's name?
Bill.
Bill.
Interesting.
Hypno Down.
I think you will find, if you open this envelope, an item that we have been discussing is inside.
Why, look, it's a little divi oatmeal cream pie.
Look who came crawling back.
You will be inside me tonight, you cream filled hussy.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's give Erin a wonderful round of applause for the good sport you are in.
Thank you.
Come on, everyone.
Okay, again, I don't have a lot of physical strength.
I'm not, I'm not.
It's fine.
