Hello, yes, can I speak to Mr McCann, please, or Mr Goldberg?
Mr McCann's at our New York office this week, and Mrs Goldberg is on a conference call.
Ah, right.
May I ask what it's regarding?
Yes, it's regarding a... a bereavement.
Naturally, sir. Are you currently a McCann Goldberg client at all?
No, no I'm not.
How about I put you through to Eve Klammer, our head of new business?
Yes, that'd be perfect, thank you.
Eve Klammer?
Oh, yeah, I just wanted to inquire about your services.
Of course, Mr...
Uh, Smith.
Klein, Smith Klein.
Okay, Mr Smith Klein, and which services are you particularly interested in?
Uh, well, um...
Are you primarily interested in our post-life programme?
What?
Undertaken.
Yes, yeah, exactly, that's the one.
Okay, and you're the client?
Yeah. No, I'm... no, it's for my wife, actually.
So your wife will be the client?
Yep.
May I ask what her current status is?
Current status.
These are the... life.
Oh, I see. Oh.
Fine.
I mean, yeah, she's alive.
Right. Well, why don't I take you through some of the options,
and you can tell me what sounds right for your wife?
Yeah, great.
Our most popular product these days is Grand Finale,
an end-to-end package for celebrating the life of the client,
which starts at $19.95 before tax
and includes a reception with delicious canapes for up to 20 guests.
Is that cremation or burial?
Most of our products are available with either option,
though I must say the fireworks that accompany the cremation with this one
are really rather wonderful.
Yeah.
Have you got anything a little more low-key?
Yes.
There is still a market for a more traditional send-off.
For this, we offer eternal peace,
which really is your classic burial and mourning solution.
It's tray-tasteful, sir.
Candles, clients usually go for unscented,
but we can do scented,
cinnamon-safe and no extra charge.
Does that sound more like Mrs Smith's client's milieu?
Yeah, it does.
Nice and tasteful.
So to recap, your wife's status is living.
Now, how do you thought about the timing of the arrangements?
Well, uh, more or less after she's just passed away.
Isn't that the norm?
Well, yes, but what I meant was,
how do you thought about the timing of the departure itself?
Departure?
Demise.
Yeah, well, um, pretty hard to predict,
but she hasn't been in the best of health, I suppose.
Oh.
Is she prone to heart attacks
and or suffering from advanced stage cancer
of the lung, breast or colon at all?
No, not really.
No.
So shall we say that the estimated time of death is...
not imminent?
Well, one never really quite knows, does one?
Indeed. How do you consider our helping hand programme
of assisted exits?
What's that?
Many clients see the value of a departure
within a predictable time frame,
whether in response to a terminal medical condition
or a sense of life simply having run its course.
Might Mrs Smith client be in the latter category?
Do you know, I think she might be.
There, you come to mention it.
Helping hand, yeah. What's the process?
First, you and Mrs Smith client need to make an appointment
to come to the McCann Goldberg offices
and discuss the precise details.
Morphine version.
Yeah, no, just my wife have to be there.
We do find it usually best for the client to be their own person.
Yeah, well, I'd rather she wasn't there.
Right.
May I ask why?
Well, you know, I mean, she's busy.
Work.
I see.
And the details to your wife, I suppose we can accommodate that,
though we would need her signature before performing the service.
That's going to be a little bit tricky.
Look, what if we wanted it to be a surprise?
A surprise?
Yeah.
We do offer McCann Goldberg golden goodbyes,
which are vouchers and denominations.
I mean a complete surprise.
For Mrs Smith client?
Yes.
A sort of helping hand behind the scenes, if you will.
Precisely.
Please hold.
Mr Smith client?
Yes.
I'm pleased to inform you that we do offer our ultimate sacrifice range of products,
which I think might fit your requirements perfectly.
There are a few brief questions I need to ask first, though.
Okay. Shoot.
What sort of place do you live in?
Flat. Three bedrooms.
Falcony?
Yes.
What's your story?
First.
Okay. What about the cooker? Gas or electric?
Gas.
Splendid. Just the nasty bit to go now.
What? I mean, I didn't really, um...
The financials.
All right, yeah.
We need to take a deposit for the first £10,000 and it's non-refundable.
Are you sure you're ready to proceed, Mr Smith client?
Yeah.
Sure.
Are you sure he's on his own?
I'm sure.
Thank you.
