One of these days
I'm gonna be free
And one of these days
I'm gonna see the sea
And one of these days
I'm gonna feel the breeze
The first day that I taught I had 12 men on the drive out
I practiced a few phrases that were direct and stern
that I would use in case things got out of control
or in case people were disrespectful
Very instantly realized none of that was gonna be necessary
because the men that showed up introduced themselves to me
They sat at the edge of their seat
They were eager
And I realized as a woman who never grew up with her dad
that I was dealing with just some of our very basic human wounds
That's what writing addresses
And I knew in that moment that probably I would not want to teach anywhere else
And I knew that it was probably gonna take over a big part of my life
because there was a vulnerability and an enthusiasm in that classroom
that is really rare to find on the outside
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I think that one of the paradoxes that I found at least
was that students would be really eager to take the class
but they would also have this extreme crisis of confidence in their own abilities
Prison is all about cultivating a facade and a bulletproof exterior
And writing is all about sort of like cracking yourself open and becoming vulnerable
And there's a guy in my most recent class who said
I'd always thought of my heart as this black, burned, shriveled
But he said the experience of writing has made me feel like I can sort of like flake off
parts of the black here and there and see kind of the red beating heart underneath
I would think that you would want to do everything possible
if people were in prison to keep them from ever coming back to prison if they're getting out, you know
And to do that, you have to put tools in their hands
One thing that I was really pleasantly surprised by
was just how enthusiastic the Department of Corrections was to work with us in the first place
And all of the education directors that we've been working with
have been really, really supportive and they understand the value of what's going on
and they want to make it so that it can continue
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They develop their own little cohesive unit because they feel safe
And that safety net pretty much stays there once they're done
because they have shared some things with many, in many cases they've never shared it with anyone else
And so that ability to sustain a relationship like that is no different than you or I
It really isn't, you know, they really have that same sort of need
to want to connect at that level
And they have been able to take this and transfer their learning
to make more positive relationships with their families on the outside
their children on the outside, they know how to express themselves more
because they're taught how to bring that forth
And so it really has quite an effect not only on them in their lives while they're on the inside
but also what they can do to develop and maintain relationships
when they get on the outside as well with their children and their families
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There's no easy answer, there's no easy redemption
but I do see that release, redeem them in some way to themselves
I'm thinking about that with one student in particular who said that his writing class
made him feel for the first time like he was a citizen
You know, I don't know all the reasons, I can only see what's coming out in their writing
but I do know that there's a lot of pain that goes beyond their incarceration
Childhood pain, pain from their acts and that remorse
They're creating their own criteria for what makes it a good poem, what makes it strong writing
and to be able to get better and better at doing that asks a lot of them
and they do feel healed in some way, they feel seen or heard
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I have to think that there's some sanctuary in a class like that
that they can come and be apart from the general population for a little while
and feel just a little bit more relaxed
Just engaging in conversation and you listen to someone else, you pause, you think about it
These are things that free human beings do
so that those facilities are loose a little bit or at least not completely rusty when they get out
A reason I write, a reason I think a lot of people do artistic projects or other projects
is to feel like they're alive and they're living
I think of like an asphalt parking lot or a concrete sidewalk where you still have the grass
or the weeds growing up in the crap
despite the conditions these guys keep showing up
I can philosophically say yes, if I were the victim or the victim's mother
I would want to know why do any of these people deserve attention, teaching, love, investment
That's the philosophical side
But when I'm teaching in the classroom, I'm teaching an actual man
not an abstract man, an actual man
whose story I know well because he's been telling it to me over the course of many months
I can only say that I hope if I'm ever a victim myself
that I will recognize that this is a paradox that we can't escape
that you can be a person who has done an awful thing
who is also capable of love and curiosity and compassion and redemption
and to access all of those things we have to give them
is something really important and I don't fully understand it
but I feel like it's a crucial and really significant piece of this work that we're doing
Looking out through the bars of my cell, I scan my surroundings and kind of plant my future
My freedom is gone and life as I know it is over
I think about my family and the holidays we'll never again share
I think about Melinda and the love we'll never again make
I think about the children I'll never father
the life experiences I'll never have
and the milestones I'll never achieve
I move to the back of my cell in case I start to cry
I don't want anyone to see
I don't know what else to do so I turn to the only thing I know and the only thing I have
You've got language under control and you are smart and have a very strong voice
If I'm not mistaken you observe and understand subtle human behavior astutely
That's one of the most important things a writer can do
Watch others with as much understanding and compassion as you can
Then write down what you see
Turn that same observant eye as often as possible on yourself
You've gotten braver and braver about what you're willing to explore
You have a unique story to tell
Explore it with openness, honesty, curiosity, and fearlessness
Keep writing about those blind, dark, unexplored spots
And your work will grow even more poignant and powerful
You have something to say and the talent to say it well
The second that I teach you how to read and write
You can express that you want to change your life
And just the vociferation of that, just saying that out loud
To your loved one or to your daughter or to your son
Mejito, mejita, I want to change my life
Boom! Between you and the loved one you've just given birth to a dream
You couldn't say that without reading and writing
There is no birth of a dream
There's this constant growing of this frustration in your body
That you want to say stuff to the world
That you want them to know that you exist
And without language you'll never be able to tell them that
And that's the worst fate ever
The worst fate is to not be able to express yourself
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There are long roadbaindred
But I'll see that sunrise once again
And a long road, baby, but I'll see that sunrise once again.
