Alright everyone, I know there was a play challenged and it's getting late but you're
feeling fine and our next Canadian is as pretty as a sunrise and as mean as Himmler.
Our next Canadian is the brother of world famous seaman Nick Finch.
Please welcome to the stage Mr. Zachary Bart Finch.
That's my old roommate, Ben Violin.
Fuck yeah. Hey Richmond, how's it hanging?
I used to live here and it was awesome and that's all I really have to say.
I mean it was awesome. Yes! Who here lives in Richmond?
Yeah!
Awesome, great, good. It was a wonderful time. I lived here for about seven years.
Then I moved out in September. I moved out of here in September. Guess where I moved?
You guys are going to be jealous. Guess where?
Vegas.
Guess where?
South Africa.
You moved in my fucking parents house.
Guess where Phil?
You can feel the jealousy and just emitting off of everybody and floating in my veins.
Yes, my parents house rent free, completely stocked kitchen.
I share a room with my brother.
Yeah, two beds, one room, my brother's in one of them.
Fuck yeah, there are some downsides though, unfortunately.
You know, there's the complete just travesty of being a 26 year old living with your fucking parents
and that's a little bit rough.
First off, right off the bat, hello.
Excuse me, I got to say a little bit earlier.
So yeah, it sucks to tell people you live with your parents.
Also, there's no ass getting. There's absolutely none.
No ass getting living with your parents, especially with your little brother in the room with you.
I'd say bigger.
Watching Weeds talking about what he'd do to Nancy Botwin.
The answer to that question, by the way, is the 69 around the world.
For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a 69 when you're, you know, kind of elitising
and she's going down on it and then you break for a second and you go around
and then there are two tongues in either butthole.
That's the 69 around the world.
And what I'm really trying to say here is that I would kill.
I would kill. Kill.
All of my family and closest friends in order to save the internet.
Not that the internet is in trouble. Don't get me wrong.
But if the internet was in trouble, I would do it.
I would grab an accent and just go out and commit a massacre.
Oh, yeah.
All right. You know, I mean, you get why you get all your news from the internet.
You can watch any movie or television show through the internet.
You can download music for free.
Any music that you fucking want for free from the internet and the porn.
Oh, my God, the porn.
I mean, fucking, Facebook plus Facebook, who here is on Facebook?
I want, I want to hear it.
Who here is on Facebook?
That's many of you.
Facebook, there's, I like to call it the starter porn.
The poor play of porn is Facebook.
You go online with any chick that you think is hot in your day to day life.
Girls that you know.
You go online, there's a database of pictures of them that are very provocative.
And, you know, you go and you look for, you know, the beach 2010.
With the girls and you go and you see these hot pictures of people that you know.
And then, and then you go over, you go over to, uh, to, to real websites like that.
And red tube or you jizz.com.
Ex hamster.
Does anybody need me to go slower?
The table of lesbians here, you want these for future reference?
That's hamster.com, baby.
That's the one.
And then you can, you can finish it off.
You can finish it off with that.
Anybody still listening?
Did I get your attention?
I got, I got Ainsley back there.
Ainsley, yeah, she's listening.
A real quick, a real quick one.
I'm sorry, I'm, I'm fairly new to stand up.
And, and, and I work a little blue.
And usually when I work blue, you know, it usually consists of a plastic bag over my head and me masturbating furiously.
And I'll leave you with that one.
Thank you very much, folks.
I'm Kristen, I miss you, and I love you.
Ladies and gentlemen, that was a Mr. Zach Finch for you.
Zach Finch would drink the forces in our living room until he passed out and wouldn't wake up until he said the word booze.
That's completely accurate.
He would sleep through.
Zach, Zach, the house was on fire.
Zach, there's a pair of titties.
That's not a joke, it's fucking fact.
Anyway, we're very close everyone.
You've been an incredible crowd and everyone has stuck around.
You're brave and you're drunk.
And don't leave yet because there's a couple of comedians left.
And they deserve your love just as much as everyone else.
Please welcome, for her first time up on stage,
Miss Melissa Gray.
Thanks so much.
It really was trepidatious about getting roommates because I thought it would interrupt my masturbation schedule.
They found out to me the hard way.
I used the living room at 2.30, I told you.
Part of why I masturbate on schedule is that I don't date because dating leads to sex.
And sex leads to you being injected with a human.
And that shit is nasty.
I've done it, it's weird.
And gross.
Anybody that opens the door for you, they say,
oh, I just want to fuck you.
They're just saying, injected with a human.
I thought about starting a series of homework cards for our very inappropriate times.
Inappropriate cards for appropriate times, rather.
First one.
Another suicide in the family.
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
Happy anniversary.
I want to divorce, I fucking hate you.
Congratulations on your abortion.
Tired to do you murderous cunt.
I thought maybe being more friendly would help out with some of that,
but I decided that being a bitch really just works out a lot better.
Because they get the better men.
Really, if I'm attracted to you, it really means you're an asshole.
And there is really something wrong with you.
I find that my favorite men are very felonious.
They do wrong things with the wrong people.
And then they get busted.
And then they get in jail.
Yeah, waiting for my last boyfriend to get out of jail.
He's a lieutenant in the Aryan nation, which means he's really white.
Really white.
My friends say, well, you know, maybe you should just leave the house.
No, I would like the next asshole to be completely delivered on the doorstep.
I thought maybe getting a new job would help out flirting at work.
But when I got signed up at the court in this office, I was just kind of misunderstood.
I have really great friends.
They brought me up quite a bit.
I like to pass out on the floor.
But it says, I love you and you fed me enough beer.
My favorite time when I have been out drinking usually involves a fight or a pretend fight.
Because you're never too sure how you get that bruising.
So you kind of explain the way with a really good story about a fight.
But normally it just means that you've been vomiting and the toilet seat came down while you were thrusting downwards.
That's how you got that black eye.
And I guess when they said, you know, just pretend that everyone is naked will take your nerves away.
I was kind of confused and said, you know, how am I, how is being nauseous supposed to keep me from being nervous?
Thank you.
Woo!
Hell yes!
Woo!
Goddamn right enthusiasm.
Let's hear some mass produced fake enthusiasm one more time.
Now let's hear some real enthusiasm.
Oh right, and now we have the man, the myth, the legend.
Mr. Liam Wright everyone.
Woo!
Yeah!
What's going on guys? It's Christmas. Do you guys go home for Christmas? Do you guys come back to Richmond and all that shit?
It's nice isn't it?
You guys come home for Christmas? The troops.
Yeah.
You know the troops come on seriously.
They come back for Christmas and it's great because they've been through so much.
And I think the worst thing they've been through is that I saw like a support the troops special recently and they sent them a band.
That band was Nickelback.
Jesus Christ man that's just one giant fuck you to the troops isn't it?
Who chose that band? The Westboro Baptist Church?
Jesus like, send a motorhead.
Something. I mean that doesn't even want to kill anybody the next day.
Like nothing fucking will alright.
And I show my age where I say motorhead you know and get kind of older.
And it's sort of the point where like I now hate children because they have a better than I have when I was a kid.
But I'm still young enough to do something about it okay.
Like one thing I love to do is go on Wikipedia and just make shit up.
Just put that make shit up. I like to go on everything.
Oh yeah like Abe Lincoln he freed the Jews.
Totally.
Because it's so easier for them to get like a term paper that could turn them in.
They just go online and do it. They don't even have to leave their house.
When I was a kid I grew up in a library.
So it was because I didn't know if my dad gave me a ride and he couldn't give me a ride because he didn't want another DUI.
You know I didn't even have educational channels on TV.
Like I had to like watch Nickelodeon and pray to God that like Red and Stimpy would like talk about the Revolutionary War.
And this is my report on the Revolutionary War by Leo Moreno.
George Washington was the general and was our first president.
And he also had a Chihuahua that called him an idiot.
Also a farting cat.
Nickelodeon was wild man alright.
It really was. Do you guys ever watch Dug?
I got older and I realized that like every character in Dug had a sweet ass porn name alright.
Like if there was like you know like a porn like it's Patty Dust Bluffington starring Patty Bandit.
And Lamar Bowman.
And my favorite Skeeter back in town.
I'm coming at your face bitch.
Yeah that was pretty sweet.
Well something I want to talk about is Pia.
Because I love animals but I fucking hate Pia.
Pia is a bunch of crazy ass hypocrites.
They're crazy like eat your own shit kind of crazy okay.
Like the latest thing they were protesting was that the new Mario game.
He's wearing a raccoon suit.
Like oh my god Mario's wearing a raccoon suit.
Do you know what he had to do to get that?
And I'm like yeah he hit a block with a question mark on it.
And grabbed the leaves that came out of it.
And he had to fucking get that.
And I say they're hypocrites because like as much as they protest that shit.
They don't talk about turtles okay.
They don't even protest shit about raccoon and or delicious animals alright.
Because bad Mario man fucking hates turtles.
He will stop on them.
Grab the shell then throw that shit at other fucking turtles.
That is just one giant fucking turtle alright.
He might as well put an amygdala back alright.
Alright I'm leaving with this.
Who here does drugs?
Bingo yes.
You know you're good at something when you can do that shit while you're fucking high alright.
There was a dude that used to pitch in the Pittsburgh Pirates.
His name was Doc Ellis.
He once pitched a no hitter.
Well completely fucked up on LSD.
That's like finding the tumor cancer while you're on heroin alright.
And I would just love to hear the play of my play on that shit.
Bottom of the night two outs, two strikes.
Doc Ellis is one pitch away from pitching a no hitter.
He now is foaming at the mouth.
He is now completely disrobed.
He is fighting off invisible demons.
Now there's the pitch strike.
Pirates win the game.
They're rushing on the field to grab Doc.
He is now defecating into his own glove.
As in those traditions.
Alright guys you be free.
Merry Christmas.
Stay free y'all alright.
You stay free you fuck.
Anyway.
How's everyone doing?
We're entering the home stretch.
Give it up for yourselves.
You brave souls.
You stay here and laugh and clap.
You're beautiful.
