Okay, so from now on, I'm Dave.
I'll wait here at the table and you walk back up.
Should I go back to the house?
No.
Back to the car?
No, just walk back up.
Okay.
This is fun.
Hi Dave, it's me.
It's Leslie.
No, no.
Hi Leslie, it's great to see you.
So, let's begin our conversation.
You don't have to.
You can just start talking.
About what though?
You know, about what?
Whatever comes to mind.
Just ask me a question. Try to get to know me.
I can't think of anything to ask you.
Not one thing.
My mind is blank.
Just ask the first thing that pops into your head.
How big is it?
Oh god.
Oh god.
Oh.
Oh.
I thought we were in a church basement.
But apparently we're literally in the heart of Jesus.
That's how much you tell him, don't you think?
Jesus?
It seems kind of dangerous with a bunch of kids with cancer in your heart.
What's your name?
Hazel.
No, your full name.
Hazel Grace Lancaster.
What?
I didn't say anything.
Why are you looking at me like that?
Because you're beautiful.
I enjoy looking at beautiful people.
And I decided a while back not to deny myself the simpler pleasures of existence.
Particularly given that, as you so astutely pointed out, we're all going to die pretty soon.
I'm not beautiful.
Let's watch a movie.
Oh.
Yeah, sure.
Okay, I'm free sometime this week.
No, I mean now.
What?
What do you mean now?
I've got a car.
You could be like an axe murderer or something.
There is that possibility.
Come on, Hazel Grace.
Take a risk.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Are you freaking kidding me?
You just ruined the whole thing.
They don't hurt you unless you like them.
Sorry?
It's a metaphor.
See?
You put the thing that kills you between your lips,
but you don't give it the power to do the killing.
Metaphor.
So, down to brass tacks.
Do you know this pit I'm talking about?
Yeah, lot 48.
I checked it out about a month ago.
It's pretty gross.
As in a gross injustice.
Well, what I meant was it's disgusting.
People have been throwing their trash into there,
and I'm pretty sure that there was a dead wolf in the corner.
Let me ask you this.
Do you think I could turn it into a park?
A park, huh?
Well, when I think about all the logistics and the various hoops
that you have to jump through, is it likely?
No.
But is it possible?
No, no, you should probably give up.
What?
Why?
There are a million reasons why.
I tried to do this stuff all the time whenever I first started,
between the developers, the citizen groups, bureaucrats,
and the anti-government nuts.
It's just not possible.
So there's a chance?
No, no.
My advice would be to aim smaller, have the wolf removed.
You might be able to get that done by Christmas.
Mark, I need your help on this.
I need you to support it.
Could you do me a favor for old times' sake?
Well, your enthusiasm is rather intense and a little off-putting.
Thank you.
But take it for me, it's just not going to happen.
But I promised those people I would make this happen.
I promised them in the meeting.
Well, you're probably just going to have to accept the fact
that you're the first bureaucrat in history
to promise something and fail to deliver upon it.
I am so sorry.
I'm an idiot. I'm, like, relentlessly stupid.
No, you're fine.
Everybody was going to find out anyway.
I'm just not that excited to have to talk about it all the time.
One thing you can do when you don't want to deal with people anymore
is just, like, enter a subhuman state.
Here, pretend to be someone annoying.
Hi, Rachel. I'm so sorry to hear you have cancer.
Does that ever work?
It works all the time.
It's passive resistance. It's what Gandhi was all about.
I'm pretty sure Gandhi never did the whole subhuman state thing.
I'm going to be as completely honest and nice with this as I can be.
You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
Gandhi did this all the time.
It's, how do you think India should use state then?
Here, you're like...
No.
Come on. It's easy.
Or just, here, another thing you can pretend to do is just flat out pretend to be dead.
Like, here, say something annoying to me.
Sorry.
I shouldn't have told you to pretend to be dead.
That was, it was insensitive.
And now I'm just being weird about it, which is going to make it worse
because obviously you're just sitting there thinking that I'm thinking,
clearly it's death, death, death, death.
That's what I'm talking about.
Can I talk to you for a sec?
Fine.
Doyle and I broke up.
I know. I sort of ran into Doyle earlier.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. He seemed pretty upset.
Well, I don't care.
Okay.
Is that why you came over here?
Because you heard we broke up?
Well, yes.
Then you're a really good friend.
Oh, not really.
Well, I throw you out, I treat you like dirt, and no one else can stand me,
but you still come to see if I'm okay.
Well, Paris.
Yeah?
In the name of full disclosure,
Logan and I broke up too today.
I'm moving out.
How come?
He cheated on me with an entire wedding party.
Nice.
Yeah.
Men suck.
You do suck.
You can't count on him, and they never have your back.
No, they don't.
They make you love them, and then they let you down,
and you're walking around with a stomach ache for the next six months.
Then how long it lasts?
I don't know.
I hope it only lasts six months.
Yeah, me too.
Well, you can stay here, you know, if you want.
Really?
Really.
You can have my room if you want.
I've been sleeping at the craft's table lately.
Thanks, Paris.
Sure.
You hungry?
I have food coming.
Starving.
We were supposed to go on a date together.
We are going out on a date.
I thought so.
Not anymore? No?
Except you fucked my roommate.
That kind of ends it with you.
What are you talking about?
Don't treat me like that.
Just so you know how I'm seeing you right now?
You're a star fucker.
You're a girl who met a star, and then fucked him.
He's not even that famous.
What if a really good-looking celebrity was my roommate?
What if I lived with James McAvoy or Jude Law or something?
I don't know.
I'd probably fuck both those people.
Don't say that.
I'm sorry.
Lower the bar a little bit.
I can't believe that.
Okay, if a hot girl walked over here naked and was like,
do my body.
You would.
You would have sex with her.
No.
I would feel really uncomfortable,
and then I might ask her to a Wilco show.
Okay, well then you're the first guy I've ever met in the world
who's like that.
I thought you were the kind of girl that would wait two months
and then have sex with the guy.
I didn't think you would just-
No, I'm an independent woman.
I'm allowed to fuck people.
Well, if I were known that, I'd have scheduled our date a lot sooner.
Give me a break.
I don't even know you.
This is the longest conversation we've ever had.
