Last time on Tangents and The Times, I, Marissa Arras, decided I was moving to New York.
My best friend thought I was crazy, and my boyfriend totally didn't believe me, and my
arch-nemesis was all up in my shit.
Of course, as soon as I get super serious about leaving, LA gets super serious about
me, dropping a job in my lap, and my ex-boyfriend on my porch, oh my god, what is he doing
here?
Is
it cool press?
You... just put that down, just put it down.
Were you just in my bedroom?
I got lost.
Is that how you end up here?
Did you get lost trying to find a new tattoo parlor
or something, looking to get some Hemingway lyrics
tattooed on your ass?
Look, we're friends, right?
Yes, we are friends.
Forever.
Look, if we're serious about being friends,
then I need some closure.
Is this that made up guy thing about a final bang
because I'm not?
No, no, no, no, don't get the wrong idea.
It's just when I saw you the other day,
I said to myself, Logan, where,
where did you go wrong with this girl?
Well, you broke up with me.
Yeah, but you didn't beg me to come back.
You didn't give me a reason to.
What, like, take you out on dates?
You didn't do that either, but you didn't impress me.
Like, I don't, OK, how do I say this?
You didn't, you didn't impress, impress me.
That's the reason.
That's the reason.
Yeah, yeah, that is the reason.
I'm great at that.
No.
Yeah, yeah, I'm one of the best.
I'm sorry, you're not.
No, no, no, no, I'm sorry, because maybe there's
just something wrong with you.
Oh, that is just so typical.
Like, I don't know what's going on with my own body.
Well, let me tell you, I will break it down for you, sir.
Within the first 30 seconds of you going down on me,
I know everything.
I know if it's going to be an exciting blockbuster
with suspendous plot twists all the way
to an exciting climax, or if it's
one of those Animal Planet documentaries about a poor puppy
with OCD that licks his paw until it's raw.
Look, it's not your fault.
I'm just as clueless as you are when
it comes to that whole biosphere with its spatial relationships
and trophic levels and G-spots and shit.
You know, I wish I had some ecologists or some stakeholders
that could point you in the right direction.
But I don't.
And when I realize that you don't know what you're doing either,
I'm going to exhibit some pretty distinct behaviors.
First, I'm going to look kind of stressed out.
This is for one of two reasons.
One, I'm straight up uncomfortable.
Or two, you're boring me.
And I totally forgot to get Zizi dog food today.
Oh my god.
And now he's watching you munch my box and like hating me.
For one, not feeding him.
And two, you know, I'm letting you defile me
in front of his poor, fluffy, innocent little eyes.
You keep, like, opening your eyes at the top of this head
bobbing routine to catch me doing something.
But I'm not doing anything.
You want to know why?
Because I'm not coming.
And then I'm going to start, you know, pulling your hair.
But they're not like my normal, like, oh, sexy, you know,
hair pulls.
They're strong tech on your hair that are like, hey, up here,
bro, up here.
Are you a man or a moose?
Because I am not a salt lick.
Then hopefully you'll get the point, come up for some air,
and I'll smile.
And I'll say, can you just pound me already?
Like right now?
All right, now or not?
Never, ever, no, never, no.
You want to stop at me?
Relax.
Jeez.
We're just friends.
Yeah, OK.
I'm going to.
What was that?
You leaned in.
He, he cut, OK, he, he kissed me.
He, he cut, okay, he, he kissed me.
I think I kind of kissed him back,
but I don't think I kissed him back at all.
I'm sure, no, I was mortified.
I am mortified.
Ow!
I thought you were going to do something with yourself.
I am doing tons of stuff.
My doing got detoured by someone trying to do me.
Let me guess, you've been thinking about this all day.
The only thing you could think about is this.
And now you want to talk about it with me.
Okay.
Although that's all very true,
what is going on with you?
I don't know, look, I'm like really PMSing right now
and I don't know, I watched Factory Girl
like 13 times in a row and those universal themes.
It will get you.
Okay, I'm back.
First things first, you don't want to kiss him again, right?
I don't want to kiss him again.
I didn't want to kiss him in the first place.
Okay.
You don't need to tell me.
You need to tell Logan.
No, that's, it's so hard.
Do you know how hot he is?
He's really hot.
Douchey.
The word you're looking for is douchey.
Say it with me.
Douchey.
Say it with me again, with purpose.
Douchey, thank you.
All right, well, the problem is,
is that douchey can be kind of hot sometimes.
In fact, douchey hot is a very real thing.
Adam Levine, for example.
That tiger tattoo.
His jawline.
The great v-neck.
You're gonna meet him.
Adam Levine, I know.
No, you idiot, Logan.
You're gonna meet him in person.
You're gonna tell him.
This can never happen again.
I'm really bad at confrontation.
And you know, he talks really close.
I can smell his cologne and his musk.
I get it.
You know how many guys I've accidentally fucked
and then had to deal with?
Yes, you came to me for help
and I'm gonna give it to you, okay?
All right.
The first thing you have to do is meet him in person,
in a public place, okay?
Somewhere where there's two chairs and a table.
No boots, no benches, no intimacy, okay?
I don't want any dicks brushing against legs.
What?
How does this...
It happens.
How does that happen?
Oh, I don't know.
His pants are really tight, okay?
The guy got real tight pants.
All right.
I need a table, two chairs, no dicks.
I'm gonna draw you a picture.
Dude, I don't need a picture.
I don't need a picture of dick and pants, okay?
Don't get fixated on his dick.
I'm sorry.
You're the one that keeps talking about dicks and pants.
How am I not supposed to be fixated on it?
You're thinking about dicks right now.
I'm thinking about it.
Get it out of your head.
It's okay.
Okay, rule number two.
Don't go to a second location, okay?
We watched that dayline together, remember?
Don't do it.
Yeah, but like murder, suicide with a goth kid,
I would be immortalized.
I get it, but listen.
Rule number three.
All right.
And this is really important, Marissa.
Do not drink.
What?
Do not drink.
No, oh, okay.
You're just being really silly.
Do not drink before.
Do not drink during.
Oh, what?
And do not drink after.
Okay, stop it.
Just stop it.
You're being extremist right now.
All right, I'm gonna have to drink afterwards.
I'll probably have the shakes, you know?
But not, I mean, not from alcohol,
but from my nerves, you know?
That's like a big thing.
I gotta go tell the douchey hot guy
that I don't want to see any ever again.
What if you text him?
I'm not gonna text him.
Listen, I'm taking your phone and I'm taking
all the wine out of your house.
Relax, that's not necessary.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Listen, you came to me for help, okay?
I would appreciate a little cooperation out of you.
Appreciate?
Yes, they say in Europe I'm trying a new thing.
And I'm gonna be really honest with you.
You sound like you have a drinking problem.
And you know what?
You don't.
Very European.
You sound very...
Gravia, bonita.
Thank you for your help today.
I'm trying a new thing and I'm glad you're on board.
I'm definitely on board.
Hola, dos hermanos, por favor.
That means beer.
Okay, merci.
Show me what you got in any email.
Can't you see what I've got?
For you!
I'm Marissa Ross, pool professional.
I know everything about pools and ice.
Does the A stand for awful?
Dead man, dead man, brah, dead man.
Shut up.
Dead man, dead man, brah, dead man, brah, dead man.
