I was thinking about the cross and that glove, because I put it there.
Oh.
Yeah.
I was wondering where that came from.
That's the tattoo that you wanted, right?
Yeah.
Just like that.
Except for I didn't really want it so ornate.
Yeah.
Because I liked what Terrell said about how if it's something signifying like a religious faith, it probably shouldn't be ornate.
Yeah, I agree with that.
Yeah, definitely.
Because keeping it simple seems to work.
I'm attracted to like the ornate designs, you know, but it's sort of in a way like how the Baptist Church is like really, really ornate.
It's really old and really beautiful, but like the house of mercy just like rents out the space, you know?
That's what I like about it.
Yeah.
That's what I like about that church too.
Like it's, all their ideas seem to be really simple and they present it in such a way that it seems, I don't know, I take it more in a heart rather than like a choir singing.
It's just like some guys with fiddle and banjo.
Yeah.
No, there isn't a banjo.
Sometimes there is.
Yeah.
Incredible banjos.
Yeah, that's right.
I was thinking a lot about that movie we just watched, the Swedish one.
Yeah, Persona.
And like the flashes of Jesus getting his hands.
How do you think that really fit into an entire mind?
I don't even know.
I was trying to think about it, but I feel like just because the woman, the actress, Elizabeth, how like she, like when the nurse was telling her
about herself, you know, about Elizabeth, she was saying like you became pregnant.
Like someone said, the only thing you were missing now because you were perfect was motherhood.
And so you worried about it and you became pregnant.
And then you hated it because you didn't want to be pregnant.
And then you just kept pretending that it's what you wanted.
And just like playing the part of the happy expectant mother.
And when your son was born, you hated him, you know, like you wanted your child dead.
And how like she was just like sitting against life so much, you know, and just like hating life, which is like the ultimate gift.
You know, it's like the first part of the ultimate gift, you know, like those two parts.
And that's the first part is life in the first place, you know.
And she was just hating it so much that I think like the idea of Jesus living for that one purpose only to like be able to make people's lives better.
And to be their gateway into the kingdom of heaven, you know, like she was just denying it so much.
And like it showed like no other image besides like the nail going through his hand, you know, just like really quickly.
And like all these like flashes of madness before it, you know, and just like these spooky looking things like, you know, the skeleton.
Did you see that? There's like a flash of like a skeleton and like a man yelling and then like the nail going through his hand.
And that's just like.
That's like real suffering.
Yeah, absolutely.
And she was suffering because she like she wouldn't talk to anyone she wanted to be out of the world.
It seemed like it was her own doing like, you know, she shouldn't have been suffering.
Yeah.
But she chose to almost.
Because like to strive after like a piece or love, like to strive after religion or your spirit or soul is like conquering the sadness that like we're all brought up with, you know, like it's inherent in us.
And like to conquer that is like through love and compassion and through Jesus, you know, but like she just denied it and wanted her suffering.
Almost like she wanted to be out of the world, but not enough that she would commit suicide, you know, just enough that she would just stop talking, you know, and would have no reaction to anyone.
And I think she also liked people taking care of her too and like feeling sorry for her a little bit.
And when like Nurse Alma, like when she really didn't feel sorry for her anymore, you could see like what Elizabeth was having or you could tell Elizabeth was having like problems.
Like she never expressed any of them.
I don't want to swear.
No.
But yeah, the two characters next to each other were really interesting.
They were the only ones in the movie basically.
And Sister Alma seemed to be a little like more like mad, but really she seemed like she was really growing more like what she did say, like she was always changing.
Yeah.
Like she was she dealt with stuff and that's why Elizabeth wasn't going to get anywhere.
It kind of made me think of you and I a little bit.
Really?
A little bit, yeah.
Like how?
Just because of like the extreme differences in the two characters and like the way that they dealt with things and like how just how different they were.
But like how they just they got on while Alma's because they just sort of had to.
Yeah, they seem like they're both really drawn to one another.
Like obviously Sister Alma was really drawn towards Elizabeth, but I think Elizabeth was too.
Definitely.
I wasn't expecting the movie to be that way at all.
No.
It was really strange.
It was really strange.
I thought it was.
Yeah, I didn't expect that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Let me stop loving myself.
Come on.
Take the panties.
Okay.
Okay.
I'll show you my crotch.
Only this one time.
Only this one time.
Because we're getting married.
I already saw it.
Oh my God.
Just kidding.
Give me your cigarette.
It's the only time you get yourself hard right here.
I can't.
Did we just figure it out?
I don't know what's happening here.
Can I get a cigarette?
Can I get a cigarette?
Now we're back in the water.
Oh, this is my one different album.
I like that.
Until it started.
Oh, no.
That's cool.
He's the brilliant filmmaker in Amsterdam.
It's so fun.
You're the one.
That's who you used to be.
Yeah.
I have to go to Europe.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like this so much.
I'm from Tampa, Florida.
That was so cool.
I feel like nothing like that can be ignored because there's obviously something that's
being said for dreams.
I don't care very much for dreams.
Like there's no one ever that you can tell a dream to who really understands what you're
talking about that's not really possible.
I dream a lot and I've heard that others dream about their teeth falling out.
Like somehow their teeth fall out and they're trying to escape and trying to avoid seeing
the fact that their teeth have fallen out and I've dreamt about that a lot.
I dream about my family a lot.
Last night I dreamt about my mother telling my sister to give me her coat because her
coat was meant for me and I should have it.
It was a long black coat.
My sister was wearing it, which isn't something that she would normally wear.
My mother asked her to give me her coat because she knew it was meant for me and she was begging
me to give me her coat for some reason.
I dreamt about my mother telling my sister to give me her coat because she knew it was
meant for me and she was begging me to give me her coat because she knew it was meant
for me and she was begging me to give me her coat because she knew it was meant for me
and she was begging me to give me her coat because she knew it was meant for me and
And persecuted in some way, some more severe than others.
But even Mary's husband, Joseph, thought that she was lying.
He thought that because she had become pregnant that she was lying about it being an immaculate conception.
I think it doesn't really matter.
I think she exists for the people who need her.
I suppose like any religious figure exists.
She is for battered women, I think, troubled, fallen women who need a figure like that.
I think it's Catholicism's strong point, the fact that they have placed such importance in a female figure
like a true saint in a woman.
Most of the women who are saints are mythical.
I think there are stories of girls jumping off of buildings to preserve their virginity when being pursued by soldiers.
I think Mary is just one of those.
I saw a dramatic speech once from the perspective of Mary.
You didn't really realize who it was until the end of the speech, but she spoke of her perspective
of being the mother of Jesus.
He denied her at one point.
She was there when he was crucified, but he denied her.
I said who is my mother and who is my father, because he understood that it really wasn't so small.
His existence wasn't from a family.
It didn't come from his father and his mother, those people on earth.
It's not like he didn't love them, but I know that he hurt her through saying that she was pursuing him
with a crowd of people when he left Nazareth and they were telling him that he was crazy
and that he would never succeed at spreading the word of God the way that he wanted to
because he was breaking all of the rules that had been set up by the Old Testament.
Mary called Jesus her son and told him to come back home to his mother and he said who is my mother, who is my father.
He did the same thing when he was in the temple.
I think he was like 12, 12 years old.
It was when Mary and Joseph lost him, they went into the city and they lost him there and they went back and realized that he was gone.
They went back to the city and looked for him.
They found him in the temple and he was surrounded by priests and prophets and scribes and doctors and he was lecturing to them.
But it's not even so much like he was lecturing to them.
That's the most basic betrayal but I've seen others that I find far more agreeable of him just talking and people saying
but what about this and him saying well this is this and people just listened and reflected.
And he always spoke in stories but he was surrounded by all of these important people and his mother and his father came upon him
and realized what it was that he was doing that he was really just preaching in the temple like any priest would have done.
And I think it was Mary who said that he should come home to his father and his mother and he said that he had no place besides in his father's house.
And of course he didn't mean Joseph.
And it's not like he didn't love them because he did. It's just that he had to love everybody else as much as he loved them.
And that's why he's just like a ghost like an untouchable person because he wasn't ever allowed to love.
He was pursued in some cases especially by Mary Magdalene who he had such a tremendous amount of power over and through really.
She became one of his first female disciples and she loved him but he wasn't allowed to love because that wasn't his business.
He was supposed to love everybody else in the world as equally and I don't think that it meant that he loved his parents or his family any less.
Just that he loved everybody else as much.
It's like people talk about having broken hearts because of specific relationships and individuals who have made them sad.
But it's like that's all that Jesus's heart was there for was to be broken.
Like the only reason that he existed was so that his heart could open completely and fully.
Only to be battered and abused so much like the people who claimed to love him turned against him.
He predicted it through Peter and through Judas. He said that they would both betray him.
Peter would deny him and Judas would betray him and they did but he never stopped loving them.
And Judas said to him he said something along the lines of this is what you want.
This is what you want to happen. You know that it has to happen this way.
Because Jesus had received dreams, messages, dreams, messages from God telling him that within a few days he was going to be crucified.
And when Jesus confronted Judas at the last supper and said you will betray me.
Judas said you want me to do it.
You know that it's the only way. How could I? Why would I ruin your ambition?
And Jesus called him a fool.
Because he was still a man.
He was the son of man as well as the son of God.
He was the son of all mankind, the perfect being.
But he was still a man and he was still afraid to die.
And that night after the last supper when everyone else had fallen asleep he walked through the garden
and he said if there is any other way for this to happen let it happen that way.
Why should I die for this?
I don't feel as sure as I did in the beginning.
In the beginning I was inspired.
And that's when he sweat blood.
And then he said fine I'll die.
And it's such a strange interpretation too because if Jesus wouldn't have been crucified it just would have been another nice story.
Like the story of Buddha or like Muhammad or Mother Teresa.
Any other person who's ever done any sort of kind deed it would have been one of those stories.
Not that those stories are any less at all but it's like the idea of a person sacrificing their life for another person
or for an entire body of people or for the entire world
is such a glorious statement.
It's so huge that it can't be denied.
And I think that was the point.
Not so much that Jesus died to save our souls or for our sins.
It's so much more in depth than that.
It's like he had to die to spread the message because if he wouldn't have died then it just would have been another nice story.
But because he died it's the hugest story ever.
It's the biggest and the most important.
I think people react to it very poorly for the most part.
The largest percentage of people react to it poorly because they are being told that they are inherently sinners
and that their business is nothing but sinning and that they are imperfect.
And that can be traced back to the story of Adam and Eve.
But their initial sin was taking the fruit.
But that's not true.
That wasn't the initial sin because the desire to take the fruit in the first place was there
and the thought of the desire to take the fruit in the first place was there.
And that brings it back.
It's like it had to be that way.
Each person has to fall from grace.
Everyone is supposed to be born again.
It has to be a full circle.
It's like falling away and beginning to think and going inside yourself and going out of yourself
and thinking more than spreading the word.
There is no final complete achievement here on earth.
It's not necessarily about reaching peace for yourself, but I heard a quote once.
I don't know who said it, but something about hell being a person's lack of ability to love
and heaven being a person rising to their ability to love.
That's completely true because a person without their soul can't love.
They can last, I think, and they can feel in love, but they will hurt the people that they're closest to.
But to truly be able to love and love every person and not just a person for yourself
is the biggest accomplishment, and that's what Jesus was sent for.
Whether or not he did everything that he did, those stories are there.
And that means that Jesus was sent by God.
I think a lot of people were sent by God.
But the fact of the Immaculate Conception, whether or not it is a fact,
because it is in writing, because it's in the Bible, that's there.
And it means that Jesus was sent so directly that there's no denying it.
People react so poorly to it.
They don't want to hear that they're sinners in any way.
It's not even like that, though. It's not even like it's something that you gain throughout your life by doing more and more things wrong.
It's like it's just there, and that's part of the perfection.
There is nothing separate from God. It all comes from God.
It's in and the Satan. It all comes from God. There was no mistake.
There is no mistake.
To be a sinner essentially is to be perfect, then, because it is a person fulfilling God's plan
that we all have to be sinners. We all have to feel pain.
If you think of the Ten Commandments, which are a definition of ten separate sins listed so that you don't commit them,
there really nothing more than advice for happiness.
If you steal, you're probably not going to feel very happy.
If you kill a person, you're probably not going to feel very happy.
If you're envious, or if you're gluttonous, or if you're having affairs, you're probably not going to feel very happy.
It may be momentary, but it's not true.
It's really just advice. It's how to be happy.
It's how to feel love truly. It's how not to judge people.
And it's how to feel ultimate compassion.
So no person is bad because they sin, but rather they're unhappy.
Morale is inherent.
The most remote cultures who have no contact with civilization understand.
There are things that are not necessarily right and wrong, but things that a person feels.
To cause another person pain.
To feel that greed.
That's what Adam and Eve is, is that first example of the fact that what will be driving this sadness today will be greed.
It's more sex, or more money, or more food, or more clothing.
It's all of these things. It's just greed.
It's why there are fewer trees.
It's why there is more murder.
It's about greed.
And that, for whatever reason, was written because it is inherent.
That is the perfect example.
I don't necessarily think that the first people in the world were Adam and Eve.
Certainly there's evidence of evolution.
But first there was nothing, and out of that nothingness came God, and God was that nothingness in the first place.
And through that it was written that greed is what is going to propel us towards unhappiness.
And God knew that, and that's part of the perfection, that's part of the plan.
But if you understand that through morale you feel that it's wrong, or it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel like love.
It doesn't make you feel in love with life and with everyone.
It's something to strive away from.
The Bible is full of those things, the first examples that Cain and Abel is the first recording of murder.
It's the first murder according to the story.
It's just an example of a fact.
It's something that we have to deal with every person in one way or another.
Some of us murder. Some of us have had loved ones murdered.
Some of us are afraid of murder, and it propels us. It makes us paranoid.
Some people hear of murder and feel disgusted or sad, but it's there.
And that's what the Bible is. It's just a statement of things that are going to be there.
It disgusts the first priesthood.
It disgusts the first rape, the first thievery, the poor people.
It's just a discussion of the way things are going to be, and it lies all of the answers of how not to avoid those things,
but that there is hope to get away from those things.
Because if I can tell you that Jesus is love, and you can tell ten people,
and I can tell ten more people than those ten people, those twenty people by then,
are going to have children, and they're going to tell their children Jesus is love.
Compassion is love. Buddhism is compassion. Jesus is compassion. It's all the same thing.
These things are real, and this message is going to be spread.
I probably won't see it, but that's not what I'm doing it for. It's not for me to see.
But that's where faith comes in.
The knowledge that all of this is working towards an ultimate plan.
There are things that I see that I don't understand. There are serial murderers that I don't understand
who die before they have a chance to feel love or to see any sort of light.
And I don't understand it, but all I can think is that perhaps it's just another example.
I can say that through time it has brought me closer to what I believe in, having sex.
Because there was a point in time where I didn't feel love at all, and that's where I went to feel love very much.
Everything happens for a reason, and the fact that I have gone to a few or many, depending on your opinion,
a few or many people to feel love was specific. I don't have sex now. I don't want to.
I don't feel attracted to people that way. It's not my business right now that would preoccupy me, and I'm not interested in it.
I don't feel like now having sex could bring me closer to God. I feel like it pushes me away.
The only lover that I want to have is Jesus, and that's the only one that I can have right now.
I don't know if it will be different ever, really. It doesn't scare me, though.
I know that my life is planned, and it's designed for me, and I don't worry about it.
If I'm meant to never find a person who could really fulfill me that way, and not just through sex, through everything, through actual love.
If I'm never to find a person like that, that's fine with me. I'm full without a person like that.
Sex is a strange thing for me because I feel like it is certainly a gift, but I don't know if it is a gift specifically and only for reproduction,
or if it's a gift beyond that. I don't really know.
It depends on who it is.
It depends. There's a line that it crosses when it does become sexual, and I don't like to cross that line.
It doesn't feel right for me.
I'm not supposed to be a nun. I'm not supposed to be chased that way because there are many nuns like the Carmelites who cover their faces always
and can't talk to people. They live their lives in silence, which isn't altogether a bad thing at all.
In fact, I've considered it before, but I know that I'm not supposed to be a nun because my work is done with people who come to me,
perhaps because they think I am beautiful, but there are people who come to me and want to kiss me because they think I'm beautiful,
but they are completely in that, ignoring the fact that what I look like is only a gift from God and not even so much a gift,
but just part of his plan that people would come to me because they see me and for whatever reason my face or my attitude or my spirit is aesthetically pleasing,
they see that, but it stops there. It's just that it's, oh, she's beautiful, so I'll talk to her and maybe she'll kiss me, maybe she'll sleep with me,
but that offends me, it bothers me. I don't like to be treated that way. It happens a lot, but I really, I don't like it.
I don't want what I'm about. People would like to think that I'm deviant. In some ways I am, in some ways I'm not.
No, a lot of people have said that about me, very truthfully. A lot of people have.
I think people would rather think of me as a person who would like to kiss many a young fellow, but it's not true.
I don't have that desire in me. It's just not something that I feel. Perhaps I'm just cold or frigid or something, but it's just not something that I feel.
I don't want that. I don't find fulfillment through that. I think that maybe I will someday, but I just don't.
No, it's not. I can't. It would only be a person who, if treated very, very, very poorly on the street by a person, would not think that that person is awful,
but rather would think that that person has gone through things that they just have not experienced and therefore they're in no place to judge it at all.
That is the only type of person that I could ever imagine myself wanting to sleep with. It just doesn't work otherwise. There's no emotion there. I don't really feel it.
This is terrible. This is all I know.
In a drawing, my art, I am not perfect and I have reactions
that I understand could hurt people that I'm close to and to avoid that. I do art. Mostly it happens when I'm angry, when I'm upset, when I feel like my reaction would not fulfill my beliefs, that my reaction would be less than compassionate.
And I don't like to hurt people. I like to practice what I believe.
When I paint, it's really only a physical portrayal. It's just what I see. It's the lines and the curves and the shapes and the colors of what I see. And it's just these physical things because that's usually what I'm confronted with is just this physical behavior and an approach or a defense.
And when I do art, it's not abstract. It's not surreal. It's just what I see. It's an absolute innocence, I guess. It's just every line. It's not necessarily really a person's face but every line that composes a person's face and every color that is within their face.
It's just matter. It's the simplest thing. It's the physical world. It's all that's there and really nothing more. It's like a force of anger or frustration or sadness just flowing through my hand to paper.
It usually makes me pretty angry but I love it. It's something that I feel very, very passionate about. There are really only two things and they're very opposite but they form a perfect circle that's my faith and my art.
It's like being on stage. It's very easily like being on stage. It's like going out and understanding that there are all these other beings around me doing all these different things.
They're going through whatever they're going through. Some people who are like me in some way on some level will make eye contact and they'll look at me. Some people who want my phone number will make eye contact and will look at me.
It's strange because going out in public usually makes me want to buy a fog horn and a microphone and some speakers and just tow them around in a wagon behind me so that I can shout to everyone and just tell them simple things.
Because I see people's reactions I think very honestly and I see what they're feeling and what they're thinking.
And sometimes people protect themselves from me although they don't know me just by looking at me they're protecting themselves or they're trying for something that is dishonest or they're not looking at me for some reason or they're looking directly at me for some reason.
And there's so many different levels and so many different games that it makes me want to shout. It's like being on a city bus and you get on and everyone is there but no one is saying a single thing to anyone else.
And the people who actually are in some way more pathetic than everyone else for some reason.
When I go out and feel that I'm filled with and compelled by love, just absolute and pure love, no lust or desire, any of that business at all but just like pure love, if I feel forced by it and full of it then I walk with it and I smile with it.
But some people think oh she's smiling at me and that must mean something and that gives them liberty to ask for my phone number.
It's sort of upsetting but it's not something that is completely out of line, it's not something that I can't understand because I do understand it.
It's usually just a rush of thoughts, nothing too specific, no person, just the feeling of it and that's just it, it's no person.
There's no person, it's myself, I'm aware of what I am able to do for myself and that's fine. It feels more right than kissing a person.
It's both, absolutely it's both.
It's like the feeling of understanding my body in a way that no one else can really at all, it's masturbating.
It's simple, I mean it's comfortable, I'm surprised when I hear that other people don't do it. It's a good thing for me.
I suppose if I didn't know how to touch myself so well I would maybe turn to other people but I guess through that the gift of masturbation really has been a gift then given to me so that I wouldn't have to turn to other people.
It's not something that I couldn't do without, certainly if I felt like God was telling me not to masturbate, I certainly wouldn't do it and I wouldn't have any problem with it but it feels fine and wonderful to me.
I love it, it's a nice feeling.
I suppose it's a really independent feeling because I don't think of a person, I don't think of any previous act, it's just me and it's honest, it's true.
Like sex so many times just becomes so untrue and dishonest and there's things to worry about and there's whether or not this is going to go right or that's going to go right but you don't even have to deal with that at all.
It's just you and yourself.
I could only then discuss the difference between you and I.
I think it's and perhaps it's only me convincing myself but it's my idea of the fact that I don't need other people that I don't need people to make me feel a certain way that it's all been given to me and that in a sense I'm complete that way.
I don't need anything more than I have right now and being able to masturbate and reach orgasm is just a gift and if you choose to think about other people or other circumstances or previous acts then I mean certainly that's fine.
I think perhaps it's just different because I feel like I am and I can't speak for you at all but I feel like I am very in tune with myself and for the most part very loving towards myself.
Like I try to do things the best that I can and I don't need a person to make me feel any certain way maybe you do I don't know.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
