Have a seat, have a seat. Welcome to the Park Slope Natural Birthing Clinic. I understand
you'd like to hear about some of our birthing options.
Yeah, we would just really think a natural birth is the way to go. I don't want to be
all drugged up and out of it when my baby comes. I want to be there, you know?
Oh, exactly. Here at the clinic, we find so-called modern birthing methods to be very alienating
and robotic.
Oh, I hate sci-fi.
But I just really want you to understand that what I'm looking for here is a very painful,
excruciating, hardcore experience.
Plus, we read online that a natural birth can be really empowering and in almost primal
way.
And I could really use some of that sweet, sweet empowerment.
Okay, well, let's go over some of our birthing options. Our first is your typical home birth.
This is done without any drugs in your own home, typically in a bath or a small child's
swimming pool to collect the mess. A staff birthing specialist will be on hand in case
any medical complications arise.
No, no, no, no, none of that.
We just don't want any medical interference in the birth of this child at all.
Oh, I see. You want an entirely natural birth. Well, we do have some other options. Our first
is called a castaway birth. When you go into labor, you will be airlifted in a helicopter
to a remote field with absolutely no shelter. You will be guaranteed 25 miles from any hospital
or medical assistance.
Now you're talking.
Will we be provided with any medical tools or equipment?
No.
I'm going to bite right through that umbilical cord when our baby's born. Like an animal.
Sorry, he's a fighter. It's my everything.
Are there any risks involved with a castaway birth?
Well, there is a slight 40% chance that your wife will die.
Well, it's just a risk we're going to have to take.
I'd be a great single dad.
I'll keep you the best single dad.
But after we have the baby in the wilderness, we're still going to have to drive it to the
suburbs and raise it there. And that really doesn't seem very natural to me.
Well, we do have another option. It's called the remiss method. You will give birth here
in our birthing center completely natural, completely drug free, then the child is taken
to a cave like habitat where he or she will be nursed by a wolf for two to three weeks.
Well, that sounds interesting.
Yes, we find that a child born naturally and raised by wolves even briefly can foster
confidence and strength.
Can we meet the wolf?
Yes, of course. Her name is Jasper. She's very friendly, loves children.
Well, are there any side effects or risks?
Well, there is a chance that Jasper may become attached to the child and choose to raise
him or her on her own in the woods indefinitely.
Well, that sounds natural to me.
What could be more natural than being raised by wolves?
Okay, well, do you have any other questions or concerns?
Is a natural birth faster than a hospital birth?
I heard giving birth on your back is bad for the baby. Is that true?
Can the baby be delivered to us by a stork?
It's placenta vegan.
Why do babies talk weird?
Some baby just can't, like, transform into septuplets, right?
Can the baby choose its own name?
Why are so many babies born Chinese?
Where do babies come from?
Well, you don't have to decide which method you like until your third trimester, so we
still have time.
When is your due date?
I'm sorry?
Your due date. When do you expect to give birth?
Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm not pregnant.
We're just shopping around.
Can never be too prepared.
So where's this wolf?
Does it fetch?
Come on, we've arrived at the clinic.
