Hi, this is Annie Foxer, Family Confidential, Secrets of Successful Parity.
My guest today is Dr. Jennifer Freed.
Jennifer is the co-founder and director of the highly successful teen program called
AHA, Attitude, Harmony and Achievement, which serves more than 5,000 families annually in
the state of California.
AHA creates positive attitudes, social harmony and bridges the achievement gap.
Hi Jennifer, welcome to Family Confidential.
Hi, I'm so happy to be here.
Oh, I'm excited that you're here too.
Now I want to talk to you about building the peace in this world because my goodness,
we certainly could use more of that and I understand that you've got a program for teens
that allows you to tap into what I would consider their most idealistic selves because they
are.
They are idealistic and they want to do the right thing, so tell me, how do you help teens
become peace builders?
We decided some years ago that the best way to improve the climate of schools and communities
was to empower teenagers themselves to be the leaders of climate and community.
We developed a training that's about 10 hours long that we take teens into a room with a
bunch of motivated and highly skilled adults.
We teach them how to lead their own connection circles, how to intervene in bullying situations
with humor and curiosity instead of more hate.
We teach them how to welcome marginalized people at school and make them feel welcome
and inclusive.
We also show them that it's much more advantageous to be taking great care of ourselves and bringing
that in the world instead of trying to enforce or change other people.
Wow, you've just given me so much to respond to.
I think my first question is going to be, how did you get into this particular work?
Are you a therapist?
Yeah, I have a PhD in psychology.
I'm a trained mediator.
I'm a psychotherapist and I've been working with teenagers for over 30 years and I'm the
co-executive director of AHA and we founded AHA in 1999 after the Columbine Massacre because
we believed as educators and therapists that there should be no teenager that ever feels
that much hatred toward others or self-hatred that would consider that kind of harm.
So you mentioned that part of what you do in your skill building, peace builders workshop
training is to help kids recognize marginalized kids amongst them and to reach out to them.
Can you tell me a bit more about that?
Well, we help them learn the most basic social and emotional skills and two of the hallmarks
of great social and emotional skills are emotion management and empathy.
And so we talk to them about what it's like when they have felt left out, when they have
felt alone and there doesn't seem to be anybody there for them.
So first we go into their own experience and do connection circles around that topic.
Yeah, can you tell us about connection circles?
What is that?
Yeah.
Simply, it's a circle of two up to 20 where one person's the facilitator.
They use a talking piece, so you may only speak when you have the talking piece other
than that you're respectfully listening.
The talking piece facilitator starts the circle with an open-ended question to really get
at the heart of the matter.
So a question might be, when is a time you have felt left out and what did that actually
feel like to you?
And the facilitator begins by being open and vulnerable and answering that question and
then passes the talking piece.
And usually a circle is one or two or three questions and it takes 20 minutes to an hour.
Yeah.
So, okay, just to define terms for our listeners and viewers, a talking piece can be any physical
object that the facilitator holds in his or her hand and when the speaker has this
object in his or her hand, no one else gets to interrupt.
We're all charged with listening 100% and so you don't have to feel worried that someone's
going to interrupt you.
Is that correct?
Yeah.
That's so correct and what we found over years and years of doing connection circles with
teens leading them is that even ADHD diagnosed teens can sit in a circle for an hour and
listen very attentively when it is a relevant and emotionally important subject.
So what we've found is that teens love to listen well when they know it's important
to them.
Yeah.
There's two things going on here.
You don't have to look for opportunities to jump in as so many of us do.
Oh, I've got something to say and interrupt, but the other part of it is you can kind of
relax into what you're speaking about if you're the speaker because you don't have to worry
about having to fend off interruptions.
Not only that, the shyest of speakers don't have to talk.
We tell them to hold the talking piece.
Think about what they might say until such time in a circle process where they actually
want to say something.
We've had youth spend a year just holding the talking piece rapidly interested in the
circle and then a year later find their voice and really talk.
Oh, that's wonderful.
That's wonderful.
You know, when our kids were growing up, we used this technique in family meetings.
Abulous.
And so it sounds like you're talking, you mentioned two things.
You mentioned the empathy.
When have you ever felt left out and what did you do about it?
Which gives everyone in the circle the opportunity to recognize and identify with someone else's
feelings because we've all had those feelings.
There was another piece that you spoke about besides empathy, and it's slipping my mind
at the moment.
What was that other word?
Emotion management.
And I wanted to ask.
Yes.
We move from empathy to action.
So first people have to understand what it's like for them to be left out.
And then we ask them to consider when you're walking a school campus at lunch and somebody's
sitting alone, what must it be like for them?
And that helps them bridge between what their inner experience is and what somebody else
might be feeling, and then what's the inspired action.
And they learn, yes, it actually feels good to go make somebody's day.
Yeah.
So that's a piece.
Yeah.
Okay.
So here's another piece for you because I know how toxic environments in middle schools
and high schools can be.
When I say the word toxic, I'm really talking about this hyperjudgmental criticism that
kids feel from their peers and have also internalized where they're judging themselves.
So I can imagine walking through the hall after being to one of your trainings and seeing
someone who is, is marginalized in the lunch room, whatever.
And in my good heart wants to go and do something positive to include them.
But the other part in me is wondering what the fallout might be if I choose to do that,
the fallout from other peers.
How do you address that?
Great question, Annie.
And the way we address it is the AHA Peace Builders have their AHA Peace Builder t-shirts.
They know one another.
There's at least 50 of them on each campus.
And we tell them, if something feels a little sketchy to you or you're insecure, get another
AHA Peace Builder to go with you because we recognize that one of the teen brain challenges
is a hyper self-consciousness and worry about how they might be judged.
So we really teach them to rely on each other.
We don't all have to even make the interventions alone.
We can do it together.
That's wonderful.
And I'm also imagining that in your training, you prepare your Peace Builders for pushback.
Yeah.
They do get a lot of pushback.
Well, oddly enough, and this may surprise your listeners or not, the most pushback that
the AHA Peace Builders have had in five years is from teachers and from adults.
My jaw is dropping.
Yeah.
So it's the adults that seem to have the hardest time with this concept who have been trained
in cynicism and skepticism, and it's actually not come back to us so much about other youth
resisting it.
Sometimes we do get problem solving situations like it just came up.
It's the AHA Peace Builder training is 10 hours, but then they're in the school club
and they meet every other week.
So we stay with them on whatever challenges they have.
And certainly, there's some other teen that's being really bigoted or sexist or horrible,
and they have come to us and say, well, how do I intervene with that without getting that
person angry at me or insulting them?
And we actually coach them through those things and they learn.
It's a really hard thing to be on the receiving end of someone's anger, even though you know
you're doing the right thing that caused the anger, really challenging for adults.
And I have great empathy for how challenging it can be for students.
Yes.
And that's why we teach them that emotion management was the first thing I said we teach
them is anger is a natural emotion, especially when we feel insulted or offended or our territories
impinged upon, and if you honestly look underneath anger, it's usually fear and hurt.
So we ask them to take a step back, go get the support they need, because anger at anger
is not productive.
It doesn't work.
Right.
So how long is this training that you do in schools is the first question?
The training is 10 hours during the summer, and then the students stay with us all school
year long every other week, and we also have a mid-year conference.
The part I didn't mention, which is revolutionary, is they also keep track of all of their data
and interventions on a web application called peaceq.org.
It's like EQ or IQ, but it's called PeaceQ.
And so every week they log in the connection circles they've led, their self-care, their
positive peace points, their acknowledgments of others.
So they're also training their brains to scan for the positive and documented.
Wow.
Okay.
So how do these students who come to you during the summer hear about the program?
At the schools that we're working with, we have a great relationship with the admin and
they with the teachers, and we ask for referrals so the demographics of the AHA peace builders
fit or represent the microcosm of that school campus.
And is there a charge for the students or does the school pay for it?
Well, that's a really important question, because if I might love to do it, but my parents
say, I'm sorry, we don't have the money for this.
Well, the way it is right now, and believe me, it's a big challenge.
We actually pay the students a stipend.
We consider this a job.
We do the fundraising.
The schools have raised some money to help us, but we're non-profit and we rely entirely
at this point on individual donations, on grants, on corporate donations, and we're always
fundraising.
That is wonderful.
So there should be no barriers to any student who says, you know what, I could be a positive
leader for change in my school.
Not only that, they do get paid and it goes on their college as made because here's the
bottom line.
What job better prepares you for life than learning how to get along with people and
help people feel more included and important in the community?
And so if you have that skill set going on into the world and into your career, that
becomes a very valuable asset.
Wonderful.
I am so encouraged to hear you talk about this, Jennifer, because too often I go into
schools and I'm the person who's doing the anti-bullying one-off and there I am for 50
minutes on the stage and everyone thinks it's great and the admins then check off the fact
that we did that one and there's no follow-up and that's not how you get changed, but your
approach with peer leaders who've gotten training and you continue to stay connected
with them and vice versa, this is awesome.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's our passion and our life work.
It's our calling and you see the world stage today.
We all need to learn how to get along to face and solve the biggest problems of the 21st
century.
We can't be mired in all of this divisiveness and so if the teenagers learn and they're
learning how to be inspired and empathetic and compassionate and strong leaders, we
have a chance is how I see it.
Yeah.
It's a very hopeful model that you have here and I applaud you for it.
We only have a couple more minutes and I would love for you to give our listeners and viewers
an opportunity to learn where on the web they can find out more about your work.
Well two very important places is our website for our non-profit AHA.
Aha.
Sb.org.
Aha.
Sb.org.
And then I have a lot of materials on this subject and I'm constantly writing articles
and books and my website is jenniferfreed.com.
That's great.
Thank you so much for the time you spent with us today, Jennifer and mostly for this
inspiring work.
I'm delighted to have made the connection with you.
Thank you Annie.
It's been a pleasure.
Thank you.
This is Annie Fox for Family Confidential.
To learn more about my work with tweens, teens and their parents, visit annifox.com and check
out my parenting book, Teaching Kids to Be Good People and my latest book for tween girls,
the girls Q&A book on friendship, 50 ways to fix a friendship without the drama.
And please rate us on iTunes.
It helps other folks find the show.
Family Confidential podcast is produced by Electric Egg Plant.
Creators of books and apps for parents, kids, tweens and teens.
And tune in next time when my guest will be Dr. Mark Griffin.
Dr. Griffin has been a professional in the field of learning disabilities for over 40
years.
He consults with foundations, parents and independent and public schools concerning various aspects
of learning disabilities, school management and appropriate programming strategies for
children with learning disabilities and attention issues.
Until next time, happy parenting.
