I thought you said a hand job was 15.
No, hand jobs are 25.
So what can I get for 15?
Nothing.
Really?
What's the blow job?
BJ's at 50-45 if you're blindfolded.
It's less if I'm blindfolded.
Yeah.
That sounds like a really good deal.
It sounds kind of exciting, you know, if I can't see you.
Hello, yes.
I was wondering if you could give me the home address of David Baldopci.
We don't give out the home addresses of our authors.
Why not?
That's just our policy here at Grand Central.
Why do you want us to address?
That's actually none of your business.
I believe it's literally my business.
Listen, I just want to give him a package.
You know, a personal package.
Well, in that case, you can feel free to send personal correspondence to Grand Central and...
Just give me his fucking address.
No.
All right, I think we got off on the wrong foot.
Let's start over.
Want a drink?
Uh, yeah.
Can I get a Campari and 7up?
I only have crystal head vodka.
That's all I drink.
Uh, all right.
I'll have one of those.
Who are you on the phone with?
Um, it was a personal call.
Don't worry about it.
Say, why you got all these David Baldopci books lying around?
It's pronounced Baldachi.
Show a little respect, huh?
Baldachi, Jesus Christ, relax.
What's with this guy anyway?
Oh, I don't know.
He's only one of, if not the greatest living writers, alive or dead.
People think just because he writes crime novels, he's not a serious writer.
Honestly?
I don't know.
Did the Tigers win the 45 World Series?
I don't know, did they?
Uh, take that as a yes.
I'm super frustrated with him right now.
Aw, won't you, uh, come here and let mama take care of you.
His new book, Head of State, borrowed heavily, you might even say,
stole from my new manuscript to Kingdom Come.
How do you know he stole it?
I sent him my manuscript in order to get some notes on a snag
I was having in the third car chase sequence.
And then what do you know?
Five months later, his book comes out
and whole passages are taking verbatim from my book.
What's verbatim mean?
Verbatim means a slick talking fat piece of shit
steals your ideas and gets rich off of them.
Is he fat?
He looks pretty good to me.
No, he's not fucking fat.
He's an impeccable shape.
And that makes it just so much worse.
But he's gonna pay.
He's gonna pay big time.
You see, based on my calculations and initial sales figures,
I'm due about $1.2 million in punitive damages.
He's got a book reading at the Barnes & Noble
at Union Square in one week.
And that's where I'm gonna collect.
What if you don't want to pay you?
Then I'm gonna snuff him out.
So is this like a, like a catcher in the ride thing?
God damn it!
Why does everybody keep on saying that?
Oh, you are sexy when you get angry.
Yeah?
Yeah.
How do my triceps look?
They look great.
Yeah, I've been doing a shit ton of diamond cutter push-ups.
Yeah, I can fell.
Hey.
I know you don't really know me or nothing like that,
but I was wondering if you'd be my girl.
When I get all this money from Valdachi,
I'm gonna fly you all around the world,
buy you nice things and feed you five course meals.
What do you say?
Yeah, babe.
Sure.
Oh, babe.
Oh, um, you are, you are gonna pay me, right?
For the, um...
For the what?
For the fucking...
Babe, are you serious?
Yeah!
I don't see it in a street corner all night just for kicks.
But going forward, you know, I won't...
No, not going forward, no, but, uh, for tonight, yeah.
Okay.
Okay, that's fair.
Some men were born to be other men.
Some men were born to be themselves.
I am born both of these men.
Why?
Simple.
Destiny.
Destiny our true mother.
Destiny eagle of hope.
Destiny goddammit is what I order
when I order my fucking breakfast.
Destiny.
Destiny, baby.
What does a man have to do in order to fulfill his destiny?
That's an easy fucking question.
Whatever it fucking takes.
A man does whatever he's got to do,
and that means I've got to kill David Baldacci.
Well, I mean, first I'm going to see if I can collect my 1.2 million.
And then sure, if he pays me, I will let him live.
But if he doesn't, then...
That's it.
Good night, David.
Bye-bye, Baldacci.
Which, come to think of it, is going to be super fucking sad.
I'll never get to read another new Baldacci thriller again.
God fucking dammit, that's the corner you've painted me into, David.
This wasn't the plan. I never wanted this.
You broke my fucking heart.
I don't want to kill you.
But if it's my destiny, then what the fuck can I do about it?
Nothing, baby.
That's fucking right, darling.
I can't do anything about it.
Because it comes down to this.
We're put on earth for a short fucking time
to live only to die.
And the reality is that some people never fulfill their destiny.
Some people never shine bright.
They sit around like dicks in the dark.
But not me.
Oh no, no, no, no. That's not me.
I know my destiny.
I'm killing Baldacci.
I'm killing Baldacci if it's the last thing I do.
Unless he gives you the 1.2 million dollars.
Yeah, for fuck's sakes.
Yes, baby, correct. Jesus.
Yes.
Babe.
Yeah.
I'm gonna do this job.
I need a gun.
I got a guy.
His name's Glenn.
Got a couple abortions at his apartment.
He's got guns.
Wow, this guy really does it all.
Yeah.
How will he know who I am?
From your face and your name.
Makes sense.
Alright.
I'm gonna go get this gun from Glenn.
You sit tight and do whatever the fuck you want in my apartment.
Hold the fuck on.
Who is it?
It's Tony.
I don't know Tony.
Carrie sent me.
How do I know I can trust you, Tony?
You don't.
That's a cool answer.
Come on in.
Would you like something to drink?
Do you have crystal head vodka?
No.
Well, then nothing for me.
Now, Glenn, can I call you Glenn?
Sorry to interrupt.
But has anybody ever told you you have a beautiful mouth?
No.
I'm not saying I want to kiss it.
I'm just saying objectively,
you have a perfect mouth.
Thanks.
Maybe you come over sometime, let me sketch it.
Seriously?
Why would I joke about something like that?
Anyways, you were saying how many Asian teenagers did you need?
Asian teenagers.
Nah, man.
I need a gun.
Fucking piece.
No.
That's simple.
Strawberry.
Strawberry.
Nutcher.
Strawberry.
Nutcher?
Could you nutcher?
Strawberry, wake up.
Can you do Papa a favor?
Go upstairs.
Get the black gun, it's about this big.
Okay?
Have you ever been to Sarasota?
No.
It's amazing.
You gotta go there.
It's these expansive vistas and snow-capped mountains,
and it's really beautiful.
Dogs are everywhere.
Guess how many dogs I saw when I was there?
Uh, 16.
Try 16,000.
16,000 dogs?
Have you ever been surrounded by 16,000 dogs?
Sniffing you, licking you, it's just so primal.
There's no way that's true.
Why would I lie about that?
Other way.
Thank you.
Here you go.
Don't be shy.
It's your best friend.
So, what else do you need?
Ninja stars, poison darts, poison ninja stars.
We even have a broom with a little blade that comes out the end.
Guess what's on the tip?
Is it poison?
You got it.
Does this have poison?
No.
You better throw in a dozen ninja stars.
Just in case.
How do I look, babe?
Fucking great.
If I got you jerk around, you'd be held a gun to your face.
Am I answering like I'm Bopachi, or am I answering like I'm...
Never mind.
Wait, make sure you grab the grappling hook, or watch out.
There's poison on the tips.
All right, babe, the reading starts in 15 minutes.
Are you ready for this?
I've never been more ready for anything in my entire life.
Go get this verbatim asshole, and get some money.
Got it.
I love you.
That fucking roll!
I had no idea book star security guards carried Mace.
And it was a lot of Mace, too.
So you didn't get your money from Bopachi?
No.
A group of fans dropped me before I could get all the way up front.
But I got pretty close.
And just as one of their steel-toed boots was being driven into my spleen...
He and I made eye contact for just a split second, and could have sworn.
Kind of respectfully nodded at me.
That made it all worth it.
I like to think that was his acknowledgement of my contribution to his best-selling work.
But I guess he could have just had some dust in his eye.
But no, I'd like to think that it was some kind of unspoken communication between me and him.
So, uh, when do you get up?
My lawyer says it could be as soon as six months if I'm on my best behavior.
So how's work?
Oh, it's pretty good. I'm making a lot of money.
That's good.
Well, I mean, it's also bad because it's the result of you blowing a bunch of strangers, but...
Would you wait for me until I get out?
Of course, babe. I mean...
I still have to perform sex acts with strangers in order to earn enough money to survive.
But I promise I won't fuck anyone for free.
It's like I could almost feel you when I pressed my hand against the prison wall, babe.
You can... you can what?
Don't. Time's up.
Never mind. Listen, babe, I gotta go.
You're sick with it, babe.
Oh, no, it's not my car. I'm just leaning on it.
Well, do you got it?
What do you think?
Oh, my gosh.
He lived in the fringes of society, harboring grand illusions of being a writer and someday making it big.
His way to reach that notoriety rested in a plan to rob the biggest author in the country.
Oh, my God.
What?
This is the greatest day of my life.
We got a fucking celebrant day.
Yeah, let's go. Anything you want.
Let's go fucking celebrate.
Yeah.
You want to go to Atlantic City? I know a guy. You can hook us up.
As long as they have some crystal head fuck.
Oh, hell yeah.
