All right, let's just try and go in here.
No, no, no, no, no, no, come on, all right, let's do it right now.
We're here right now, we're here right now.
All right, let's put it this way.
Within a quarter mile stretch from where we're sitting right now to my house,
there are one, two, three, four, five, five bars.
I'm allowed in two of them.
Thank you, brother.
Can I talk to you for a second?
No, no.
Out the door.
We got it all?
Out the door.
No?
I can't, I can't.
It's been three years.
I don't care, I'm doing it.
No?
Three years here?
Out the door.
All right, all right, thanks so much.
See you later.
Good night, sir.
See you later.
Yeah, 30 seconds.
There's a new movie for you going in 30 seconds.
Let's be honest, folks, you watch Comedy Central, you watch the stand-up shows on HBO, you pay for cable to watch the shit that you really want to say, but you don't have the balls to do it.
Because we don't give a fuck, it takes a certain caliber of a man to be a complete and ever asshole.
That's what they have to do.
Leigh Allen White, born to 2874, triple Pisces, some crazy lady, which I don't know what that means, I'm fucking intense.
Leigh White.
Who is that asshole?
Fast, enthusiastic, easy to motivate, great personality, if only you could have a cap on all those things.
Out of control and mostly disturbing.
Leigh is a very warm, loving, caring young man, searching for something.
He was confrontational, used a lot of inappropriate language, we had to suspend him from school many times.
He was very intelligent, a lot of hidden talent.
Very smart, very crazy.
Legend in his own mind, I guess.
The problem with Leigh is, he is a little bit annoying, he's a little bit on the disgusting side, and he's just, I think he's just not funny.
Troublesome, humorous, good-hearted.
He does have some regain quality, even though I haven't found any yet.
Loud and obnoxious.
Very unhealthy, and I don't know what else there is to say, really.
A loss towards a gentleman.
A success story.
Erratic, pretty much, that's how the best word, like, that was erratic.
It was just stuff going on at home.
I'd get in school, and I'd be pissed off, and I had serious authority problems.
I didn't like people telling me what to do, when to do it, I wanted to do shit my way.
Leigh was very tough, and I dealt with him as a dean of students, too.
I mean, it was a hard show, because he was a very angry kid.
As a parent, I believe he stems from his mother and father having problems with alcohol for years.
Family members telling me what, what hell he really grew up with.
He's definitely a product of his environment.
I know he didn't have a healthy, stable home life.
The time I hit 11th grade, I was riding a fine line.
So when the end of the year came, I went out to lunch.
It was like three or four days of school left.
Came back from lunch, and Mr. Ferris brought me to his office.
He tells me I'm suspended.
So he tells me I'm suspended for five days.
I said there's only three days left. How is that possible?
I got finals I got to take.
I don't know, not my problem.
I flipped out, told Mom I was going to blow this house up.
Told Mom I was going to abduct his kids.
I said a lot of bad, bad shit.
My friend had a gun in the car.
I was going to shoot Mr. Ferris.
I ended up running down to one hallway, and there was Mr. Ferris and Mr. Potter.
I don't need no gun.
I just started running fast as I could.
I got about five feet away.
You make eye contact. Boom!
I dropped my shoulder and plowed him against the wall.
I hit him right in his solar plex.
I was crying. The whole time I was crying.
Mr. Potter's going, I'm calling the police.
I said, yeah, call an ambulance too,
because you're going to need one of them by the time I'm done.
And they're yelling at me to leave, to leave, to leave.
And I said, fuck you, I got a French test to take.
That was it. I went to French class.
About 15, 20 minutes into the test, the cops show up.
I jumped through the window, landed in the grass,
and I started running.
Coach Smith is out there.
He's got a golf club up like this.
I went into a duck tuck and roll.
Scoopoo ninja style.
Jump back up, kept on running, and he didn't even bother to chase me.
You'd say something about how fast he was.
He had jets.
Me and running away from the cops?
Yeah.
What?
They chased me with like five cop cars all through,
all through the village of Sarvides for like an hour.
And they never caught me.
I ended up hiding out in Allison's cousin's house.
Probably late 90s, I was sitting in my office.
New secretaries did not know Lee at that time.
He was allowed back in.
He walked in my door.
I looked up, recognized Lee.
I really did not know at that point what he was coming in the room for.
There was a momentary question, what should I do?
And he said, I'm here to apologize to you for everything I had done over the years.
You've cursed out this guy, you've threatened this guy to burn down his house
and do things like that.
And to walk in and say, I'm sorry about all that
and I hope you'll accept my apologies.
I mean, takes a certain strength of character.
You see a kid like him and you think, he's going to end up in prison.
And it's really nice to see that not only did he not end up in prison,
but that he seems to have turned most of his life around.
I've probably been to jail close to 20 times.
I did the math from the age of 22 to 26.
And that four year time period, I did three years in jail.
I went to jail just simply because I raised hell and nobody liked me.
And then my mom and dad fighting all the time and having the cops come up to my house.
When I was 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, that didn't help either.
And I didn't have money to get a lawyer.
I always got stuck with public pretenders.
A lot of times I went to jail for shit that most people get fined for
just simply because I didn't have money.
I didn't have money to get out.
It's all about this.
I think he has unlimited capabilities in life
of doing whatever he wants to do as long as there's no rules or cops involved.
If they say that people can't smoke in public places,
what the hell is a guy like Dennis Leary going to do if he goes into a club
and he can't smoke a cigarette for two hours while he's doing an act?
Cigarettes go in the window.
The first cops episode after that.
I'm Officer Dick Foss.
And I've been on the force for about five years now.
I'm Officer Dick Foss of 399-399 in progress right now.
Yeah, all right, apparently we've got a 399 in progress.
Somebody just lit up a lucky strike.
Not a filter.
So there's Dennis.
No smoking.
Fuck no smoking.
Fuck Bloomberg.
I'm going to take a smoke.
I'm going to put one here, here, here, here, here, here, here.
I'm going to hold a bunch of shoulders.
I'm going to sit in a chair.
I'm going to say, fuck you.
I'm going to get a cigar.
This big round is fucking long.
I'm going to run those smoke signals like sitting ball.
That's how much that will hurt.
And in here come the cops.
Excuse me, sir.
Would you mind putting that down?
What?
This?
Fuck you.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Yeah, I think we did a good thing here tonight, man.
I feel good about the job I performed.
I'm going home sleeping well.
I know he's dying a second hand smoke on my shit.
He has always put himself in the wrong place at the right time.
And then finding him in the diner.
That's Twisted Tail.
I went to the exchange, had a couple beers.
And there was gay candy there.
He's cool, cool guy.
Candy and his boyfriend.
We were just shooting bull, drinking a beer, and I go to Split.
And they were split in two.
And they lived right down the corner here.
I said, oh, you want to come up and have beers?
Yeah, sure, why not?
You want to do a rail or something?
Yeah, why not?
He went in there looking.
They had a good time.
Whatever.
He needed some drugs and had a little money.
And he's up with a known man.
Oh, he has drugs and all that stuff.
But the guy happens to be the only one that puts him in the rough.
Switch hitter.
Tells me we can work out a deal.
How many people know better than to do that?
You ain't got no money.
You're not going to get any drugs for what?
You ain't got nothing but your ass.
We're sitting there, three of us, just sitting there.
Candy threw the wine out.
No problem.
10, 15 minutes later, Candy got up and said,
ah, whatever, I'm going to Den's.
Dennis, he goes, all right, oh, you want to do another one?
Yeah, sure, why not?
So he throws me out of rail.
As soon as I did it.
What the fuck was that, dude?
Tunnel vision.
I'm almost out down for a count.
And somehow I managed to get to the stairs and fell down the stairs.
And the last thing I remember is him going.
You better come back in here.
I wouldn't be walking around if I were you.
Next thing I know, clap, clap, clap.
I'm getting smacked into basin shit.
I sit up, open my eyes.
It's Sid Mills, cop.
His partner's like 10 feet away going.
Fuckin' rock, rock.
Yo, I mean, I'm like, what the fuck is going on?
My friend Sid was on patrol at the time
and got a call of a person passed out in a diner.
So I was up on the scene and there's Lee White.
So he asked, wake up, wake up.
I don't know where Lee snaps at.
He says, bolt upright and says, Dennis, stop touching me.
No, I don't want to do that.
You draw your own conclusions because I'll tell you, it doesn't sound right.
Sid's like, Lee, what are you talking about?
You're in the diner and why are you calling me Dennis?
Who the hell's Dennis?
I'm dreaming that it's just dude Dennis.
And he's like trying to, we're fighting.
And that's what I'm dreaming that we're fighting while Sid's smacking me.
That part of your brain, you know, you're about to do something wrong
and it just clicks in and says, don't do it, you know?
And Lee doesn't click, he just does it.
See, this is all Lee's fault.
Our entire relationship is Lee's doing.
I went to a party at this place called the Hotel.
It was like big party central.
There was Lee and he ended up trying to like get all slide on up to me.
And Mr. fucking Normone thinking he's getting laid was like, well, I live here.
I have a bed upstairs.
You could just go up there, wink.
A week after that, the phone rang and he's like,
I want you to know that I've called like seven people to get your phone number.
I was wondering if you would like to come over and I will cook you dinner.
It's a really polite voice that in the last 10 years I've probably never heard again.
I was like, sure. And he did. He cooked me venison and like red wine and pasta.
And then we got pregnant with our daughter.
They're playmates. They're buddies. I'm the mom.
And he's the one who spoils her rotten and lets her do what she wants
and lets her get a murder and everything I say not to do.
Here's the next generation, Ariana White.
She was five in this picture, Christmas.
She looks like Lee. She acts like Lee.
When I grow up, I'm going to have his personality and mommy's attitude.
That's so frightening.
And here we are nine years later, still trying to like fix 10 minutes in time.
He was so bright and so intelligent, but at the same time he was,
he wasn't so intelligent that he couldn't keep himself from getting in trouble
no matter what he did, somehow or another he got himself in trouble.
I had three years probation. I had two months to go and I would have been done.
And I got raided. I got caught with three keys.
I had two ounces of hash on me.
I was all broken up. My scales, all that shit.
So they hit me with an intent to distribute because I couldn't very well sit down
and say it was for personal consumption.
They came looking for me for acid.
I sold up the night before to these kids and they sold some to this guy
who sold some to that guy.
My shit ended up in the hands of these two 15-year-old girls.
And the acid I sold wasn't like your dipty-doo fricking,
let's go to a rave and try and pick something up.
It was like real deal bathtub shit.
So these two 15-year-old girls end up with it and end up going to the psych center.
They had a flipped out.
I'm generally a good person, I like to think.
You learn as you go along and you make mistakes, you screw up.
You can't have too many regrets as long as you learn from what you've done.
I guess that's one thing I can say.
I've definitely learned from the shit that I've done.
And without going into that kind of detail, he just had a difficult life.
And I think from that he's done exceptionally well for what he had to deal with.
I was born when I was 18.
Dad got out of high school, went to work for a cement plant,
got into blast and then got laid off.
So there were times where he was doing construction.
It was like six months out of the year, there was no work.
He liked his bud cans and every now and then some little bottle of Southern comfort
if you could afford it.
Actually, about my mom, my mom died when I was 18.
My dad just died three years ago now this summer.
She got into a car accident one day on her way to work.
And then she drank.
My mom, there were days when my sister and I would get up from school.
She'd be cooking us breakfast with a gin and tonic going.
She'd have two, three in her before she left for, you know, quarter of nine.
She went into a coma from that and while she was in the coma, doctors told her,
you know, you're living a shock.
She came out, obviously, and she said, you can never drink again.
She came home, she was great.
She was a totally different person.
And I think maybe it was like a year after she came home.
And she had like one drink.
After about six months after that first drink, she had, she was right back the way she was.
And two months after that, she went right back into a coma on the couch.
And it was like two days, two days later she died.
I had to take care of me and my sister.
I was like 17 when it all started.
And I was 18 when she died.
Last time I remember Lee White, we hugged one another.
First time we'd seen one another and we didn't say a word.
It was when his dad died and we were out the week.
It was a sad time for Lee and a lot of us.
We blew his ashes up.
He loved it.
He would have got what he asked for.
He's like, boy, if I ever pass away, you take me up somewhere and raft.
You build me a wooden raft and lay me out right there and shoot arrows at me.
Hell, get some dynamite.
I'll tell you, I'll give you the key to the box.
Because my dad was a blaster.
He was a driller and a blaster.
He'd blow shit up for a living.
That's what he loved.
Some of the harshest things I talked about, my mom, my dad,
I got to make a joke about it because this situation was so totally screwed up.
Bars are pretty cool.
My old man told me to love the bars.
My old man started taking me to bars when I was about nine.
Because somebody had to drop the fucking truck home.
Look, I just still put that there, two by four, I don't need to sit on that.
There we go.
You have to hit the gas and turn the wheel.
All right, that's cool, pop.
All right.
Mom's going to kill us.
Your mother ain't going to do nothing, bar.
What your mother don't know ain't going to hurt you.
I said, no shit, but it might hurt you.
I'm a whore.
I'm not a bad person.
This gets himself into a lot of bad situations.
He never knows when to say when.
My whole deal is I'm not bothering you.
You don't bother me.
I'm not sitting in your face screaming an Irish bar song.
My friend, for this is a song me mother sang when I was about a young boy.
And now I'm older and wiser, but I'm none of it much smarter.
And that's a good Irish drinking song.
I'm at one end of the bar, you're at the other.
You're drunk, I'm drunk.
Hey, you mind your business on my mind.
But I'm going to have fun.
How would you be a salesman?
I'll tear your hands.
Just for a second.
Just for a second.
For a second.
Look, I almost drowned myself to get that hat.
That's an American expedition.
I had to go down to Colorado River without a life jacket.
I almost fucking drowned.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Meanwhile, he's wasted and he's just like dancing around.
It just bores the shit out of me.
So then finally, he says to me, hey, that beer behind you on the bar.
Is that yours?
I turn around and I'm like, no.
He goes, who does that belong to?
I'm like, I don't know.
He's probably been standing here all day.
He's like, oh, it doesn't matter.
Drinks that beer that's been standing on that fucking bar all day.
And at this point, I'm just disgusted.
Meanwhile, he's not only dancing, but he's sweating like a pig.
So I'm just trying to step away a little bit so I don't get the splashes on me.
So then after he's done moving around and finishing this beer,
he just goes, oh, man, Ali, I'm all sweaty.
And starts rubbing his sweaty, sponge-bop head on my arm.
And at this point, I'm just like, you have got to be kidding me.
I don't think that's a very good idea.
I got skills.
I can write poetry.
I can write a book.
I can carve new carpentry and sheet rock and construction.
I have business management experience.
I have sales experience.
I work in restaurants for 10 years.
I can cook.
I'm a waiter.
I know wines and food and sauces.
He's got ambitious ideas.
He's got all kinds of schemes and scams that he's trying to run on somebody somewhere.
He doesn't ever follow through on nothing.
As far as being a comedian, no.
I didn't think that about Lee at all.
Teacher, maybe.
This is Stoner Cooking 101.
So we're going to cook a little cabbage right here.
So now we're going to cook a little cabbage.
Cook it, maybe cook it.
You have to circulate the heat so as not to burn the pan.
It's all about patience.
Right about now would be a time to add some seasoning.
I mean, if you got money, yeah.
All right, buy some seasonings and add it.
Oh, shit.
I thought we were good.
A little sausage, kebasa.
If you can afford it, go ahead and buy that.
Feel free.
I can handle it.
That's good.
That's good.
You know what I can do?
I can smash the bottom out of a beer bottle.
Lee is the guy who does Tony Clifton, okay?
That guy speaks his mind.
He doesn't hold back.
Everybody is a victim.
I want to know if Tony Clifton is on the list.
I am on the list.
No one get me the list.
I'm on the black list, the front list, the back page,
and I'm on everywhere.
Now let's get back to my contract.
And my contract is specifically said.
I was supposed to have a dressing room.
I do not consider a dressing room to be a cold bathroom
with a turtleneck garlic.
This is ridiculous.
I am very pissed off about this whole situation.
Those are a beautiful set of tits.
I love you.
I love you.
It's a good thing you got the high ceilings.
Because I tell you, when anybody comes in here and says,
raise the roof, raise the roof, raise the,
I don't know, shit about the rap.
This is not a party.
We're running out of all the drugs.
Where are the naked women that I'm supposed to stick cocaine on for?
You should just be so happy today.
I'll take you where you want to be.
What?
Speak the fuck up.
Take the dick out of your mouth.
Rage.
Rage.
Your English really sucks.
Where are you from? Jersey?
You're real tight ass, aren't you?
I like the boots that you want.
I'm a little fat, you know what I mean?
Able to pee.
The name of your band is Rage Against My Spleen.
Because you make me want to take a shit.
I wouldn't invite any of these people to my fucking funeral.
He's not racist.
He's not biased.
He fucking hates everybody.
I think there's a side to him that could be very, very entertaining.
Every day was crazier than the next.
And I really enjoyed it because it made the class exciting.
And because I really thought he was going to do something
with all this comic nature about him.
Now I live in Sorbeties, New York,
eight miles away from Woodstock.
You know who I fucking hate?
Hippies.
I can't stand these fucking hippies.
Peace, lovin'.
I got no job.
I got no cares.
You got an ape I can bum from you.
You don't have to got their name by the way.
Hippies.
They're hypocrites.
They are hippies because they're hypocrites.
See the earth.
Oh, don't kill the rainforest.
Oh, let me guess, Jackass.
You just opened up an internet website
so you built a half a million dollar fucking log cabin
in the middle of the woods on five acres
with Cedar Shade Shingle.
You're a hypocrite.
Oh, oil.
Oh, God, combustion engines.
Jackass, you're driving a 72 Volvo
with a blown carburetor and a leaky head gasket.
What the fuck are you talking about?
You're burning more oil than Sonam right now.
One day about smoking pie.
You can't go to all the community buff, right?
My buddies and I did.
Five of us.
Get Tory Gray.
Kill me, kill me.
AC comes on.
It's December.
Oh, fuck this.
Put your jacket on.
Kill me, kill me.
Oh, you like the most soda?
No, soda is a filler.
Bring the water on me.
I'm eating shrimp.
Next thing you know,
it heats cranking.
Take him off, guys, take him off, guys.
You ain't getting rid of us.
No, you.
You guys gotta eat. You gotta go.
No, you eat no more.
For a chance, all you can eat.
Come on, dude, I'll take my nine bucks.
I'm eating.
Don't be a false advertiser with me, pal.
Oh, you call me false advertiser, huh?
You, you call me...
I am no false advertiser.
You, false advertiser.
You fat man, track the stream and buy me.
You, false advertiser.
I smoke pot.
And I watch CNN.
You want to talk about comedy to Hell with Comedy Central?
Watch CNN when you're stoned.
There's really not a word going on in Iraq.
It's actually
a bunch of confused Mexicans that live in Iraq.
They thought it was sync of the mile.
The other thing I was watching the other day, Colin Powell comes on.
And I just have to think,
does Colin Powell get flowers on Secretary's Day?
And who the hell did he piss off anyhow?
He used to be a general.
No, it was his secretary.
We'll give you some coffee, Colin.
Good thing it was his secretary
when Bill Clinton was still in office, huh?
Holy shit.
Get me a cigar.
Come on in for some dictation.
That's some shit right there.
You know, the other thing I was thinking, too,
it's like, uh,
you know,
the other thing I was thinking, too, it's like, uh,
fuck.
Fuck.
Now, right there.
That's what I think when I'm smoking pot and watching TV.
Always a smile.
Always to kick somebody's butt.
Reckless, retarded.
Always jumping off something.
Backflip out of a tree.
He's always in the background.
It's like an old pair of shoes you just don't throw away.
You know, you're not going to wear them again,
but you don't know why you keep them.
Last couple of times I've seen him,
he seems like he's pretty cool, you know,
like he's got, you know, a job
and he's like taking care of his responsibilities
and stuff like that, but, you know,
and then there's the other side of him,
he's kind of freaking, like, you know,
contradicts what he really wants to do,
what his intentions are.
There's no idea what he's focused on at the moment
but he's always focused on something,
just never the same thing twice.
Lee is a hard worker.
Lee will be successful because of who he is.
He's the kind of guy that can light somebody on fire.
He jumped off that porch with his bike on fire.
Where do you come up with these thoughts?
I'm going to set myself on fire
and jump off a porch.
He could relate to others,
even though he couldn't relate to himself.
Just...
I can't see anything positive.
I really think Lee
has come a long way.
Lee struggled as a youth
and got a lot better as he got older.
He really did mature and developed.
As long as he stays out of jail,
then, you know,
then he'll be okay, I guess.
Let me tell you something, honey.
Life for me is like going to the casino.
I come home broken, I lose her
and nine times out of ten,
I crap out just when it's going good.
Hey, Michelle, I need another long island.
Give me a second, I need a beer.
Alright.
Alright, I might as well use another beer.
But sometimes I forget that I need a beer.
Can you pass me my beer?
Hey, Natalie, can you give me, like,
can you find me a beer? Come on.
Yeah, come on. Oh, it's simply bombastic.
It's fantastic.
We're in a fucking shakey.
Eat another drink.
Fifteen minutes of pain in my ass.
You're lucky I don't give you ten seconds.
There you go. How about that?
