Suck it, college! And for my first act...
No.
Fuck you, free bird!
The job search starts tomorrow.
What?
When?
Yeah!
You can't pause GTA Online!
Shut it off!
What a bad neighborhood!
Oops! I tripped over here round up!
You might have some connection problems!
Fine!
I can't do that!
The crone asked me a damnit!
Hi, Gammy!
That's probably the reason the government shut down.
It was probably for one of Obama's Sand Monkey holidays.
Are you okay, dear?
I don't know if there's much going on with the fish,
but he's swimming, you know, and he hits a wall.
And do you know what he says?
Oh, I don't feel very comfortable saying that.
He says, damn.
Everyone else at the bake sale knew that I had beaten moose muffins.
I think they were actually store-bred,
because nobody really glazes that their muffin tops like that.
Unless it's some sort of Sam's Club or Walmart.
Grandma, I gotta go.
Oh, just one sec.
Anyway, it would just spontaneously, like, explode
if it was, like, just idling or something like that.
I've really got to-
Oh, yes. Just one more thing, though.
Yeah, I definitely need my own place.
Jobs.
Ashen Kutcher plays Steve Jobs-
Nope.
Jobs in computers.
Ashen Kutcher plays Steve-
Oh, what the hell? I just read that.
I have just graduated with a degree in broadcast
and cinematic arts,
and I would like a job.
Did you mean I just graduated with an actual dream
and wanted to find a job?
No.
I didn't.
I didn't.
I didn't.
I didn't.
I didn't.
I gotta call Ben.
Hello?
Hey, Ben, this is Adam. How's your job search going?
Job search.
Yeah, didn't you just graduate?
Yeah, I graduated with a degree in psychology,
minor in sociology.
I took a lot of sociology classes.
What are you doing for money, then?
My expenses are actually covered by my birth family.
You only get one a year.
Well, yeah, but my grandma has Alzheimer's,
and she sends me two or three checks a month,
and sometimes four or five, too.
So two or three will cover all my expenses,
and four or five, I just, you know, Amazon.com.
Ah, I see.
I didn't know that people actually went to college
to find a job.
I just thought that's what you're supposed to do.
I wanted to be an astronaut the longest time,
and teachers are like, you can do whatever you want.
Just follow your dreams, and then I just go like,
okay, well, maybe you should probably, like,
something more realistic.
And you just definitely have to go to college
because you'll die.
So, like, can you imagine if everybody went to college
to pursue a career when they're just like 18 years old,
decide which one to be for the rest of your life,
and like, two or three years into it,
you spend all this money, you're so much debt,
all your passions gone,
and you have no choice but to just keep going.
That would suck.
What are you going to do about electricity?
Uh, extension cords and unsuspecting neighbors.
Well, I live in the woods and don't really have any neighbors.
What do you suggest I do?
I don't know.
Well, I was thinking about getting a job in my degree
and maintain.
Uh, can you help me?
We can practice interviewing,
or you can help me look through the classifiers.
I don't know.
I'm pretty busy.
Remember when I took you to Poison Control
because you thought if you drank bubble solution
you could burp bubbles?
Yeah.
What about that time I get you over your fear of hurdles?
Yeah.
So, you'll do it?
Yes.
Yes?
Yes.
Alright.
So, a compound list of questions
to help you with any future interview questions
you're going to bump into.
Ready?
Yep.
Alright.
So, tell me about yourself.
Why?
Well, they're definitely going to ask you that
and you have to come up with an interesting answer
that doesn't make you sound like a cocky dickhead.
Um, here, let's try this one.
My name's Evan Glenn.
I was the station manager of the campus TV station
during my time at the TV station.
Ow!
Oh, what was that for?
I'll be asking the questions around here.
Next five years.
Probably working for this company.
I'm sorry, I don't have any positions
available for butt kissers.
Alright.
Try harder.
Make me want you.
I don't know, man.
Nothing's chaining me down.
Good.
What are your weaknesses?
The fact that I have none.
Excellent.
Favorite genocide?
Go.
What?
Oh!
Really?
What?
Gotta be ready for anything they ask you.
Is there even a correct answer to that question?
Not really, but your response
kind of tells me a lot about you.
Um...
None because I hate them all.
Ah!
Wrong.
You have to pick one.
The Hitler one, that was a bit of a doozy.
Kind of a bland response, but okay.
I feel like this isn't working.
We need to practice it by doing it.
What if we just go somewhere, try to get a job?
If we fail, we probably learn something,
and if we succeed, we've got jobs.
It's been like 10 minutes on these questions.
You know what?
We'll read them in the card.
It's time to suit up.
Hello, my name is Adam, and I have just graduated
with a degree in broadcasting cinematic arts.
And would like a job.
May I speak to your manager?
Uh, what?
Um, we're not really looking for anyone with that type of degree.
I'm sorry, is there anything else I could help you with?
I'm good at computers.
Yeah, but our point itself.
Mine too, for standard.
Okay, but I mean, we're really looking for somebody
with a degree in biology,
especially since we're currently working on
our Eastern Box Turtle Relocation Project for the DNR.
So a biology degree?
Yes.
That would help.
How long did those take?
Do you have one in the house?
I do.
Yeah, I do.
You have one in my house.
You have a second degree.
Let me go grab that degree,
and we'll be back with my biology.
How many guys open?
We're here till five.
Okay, just wait for us.
Ben, I don't have a biology degree.
Who do we know that has one?
Caitlin, but how does that help?
What are you doing?
Let's go to Caitlin's house.
She's got a lot of dogs.
Yeah, she does.
Hey, you got the white-out and stuff over here?
Yeah, it's in the back.
Do you think this is going to work?
Oh, yeah, definitely.
The biology degree, yeah.
Yeah, we'll be open till about five o'clock.
Hello.
I brought my biology degree.
It was lost among my awards for biology academia.
You guys are aware that I am not the higher manager.
If you have another opening,
I have an identical degree in one of my laboratories.
You want a job now?
PS4 comes out this November.
Is this white-out?
No.
Adam, is it?
Yes.
Well, according to this degree,
it says it belongs to Ms. Caitlin Peters.
I wrote on my degree.
You guys are aware that Caitlin worked here last summer?
I know her, and you're not Caitlin.
I'm A. Caitlin.
No, you're the guy that comes into the handicapped stall,
sets up the extension cords with a TV,
stealing our electricity,
and you steal our toilet paper.
There is nothing in the rules that says I can't play a stranger.
All right, we're taking our business elsewhere.
I got a couple of them.
They're leaving right now.
Black shirt, blue tie.
It was not.
Yes, it was.
The guy took one look at it, and he knew it was white-out.
Yeah, he asked if it was white-out,
and we specifically said no.
What I don't get is why she...
Why would she like hang a fake degree in her house?
Attendance must have played a huge factor in your grades.
You factor heavily in your grades.
Oh, okay, okay, okay, come on.
Come on now.
How about you get some fresh air?
So, like, what?
Do we need this, or is this junk?
How about you go give that back to Caitlin
before she notices it's missing?
I'll just continue my job search.
Alone?
Yep.
Are you sure?
Well, Caitlin can print off another one,
because I'm not going to walk all that way.
What the hell?
Ben?
Oh, God!
Hey, Glenn.
Can I crash here?
Yeah. Yeah, that's fine.
Okay, cool.
Hey, do you have any popcorn?
Up the stairs.
Nah, never mind.
Oh, uh, how's the job thing going?
Terrible, but you know what?
I'm going to call a couple places right now.
Son of a bitch.
Son of a bitch.
Ma, do we have any newspapers?
What?
You know, newspapers, they...
Go online like everyone else then!
I tried that already, doesn't work.
I need a newspaper.
So about that newspaper...
Go to the store then!
Alright, looks like I'm going to the store then.
You kind of a disappointment!
DP delivery.
Why's the floor wet?
Oh, yeah.
You took way too long, so I had to use a towel.
So you just thought you'd flush it?
There's toilet paper right there!
Yeah, single ply.
Uh, yes, I was calling to see if you had any job openings.
Um, is there any math involved with that?
Uh, what about security then?
I'm sorry, we don't have any openings for security.
Oh, okay, thank you.
No luck?
No, I mean they had a teller position open.
Uh, was math involved?
Yeah, so I asked about any security positions they had open.
They didn't have any.
Well, I don't think people rob banks anymore,
so I can't imagine there'd be any reason for, like,
security guards to be around.
What if we staged a robbery?
You know, we could go in, rob the place,
create the need for security.
They'd be more likely to hire me then.
And you know, if we're successful, we won't even need jobs anyway.
I don't think you have what it takes to pull off a bank heist though.
Yes, I do. I've been playing Grand Theft Auto V.
I know what it takes.
What about instead you, like, call on a bomb threat?
Because in high school, those would happen all the time
and we would just get, like, a day off of school
and I don't think anybody ever got caught,
so it seems like a pretty solid, no-risk situation.
Um, accent.
Um, accent.
Hello, Adam. This is Agent Bradford
and I'd like to have a quick word with you.
Uh, Howdy, this isn't Adam. You must have the wrong number, sugar.
Yes, you are, and no we don't.
I understand that you are about to call in a fake bomb threat to Generic Bank.
How'd you know?
I said NSA, right?
Oh, yeah, sorry.
It's cool. Adam, I understand how you feel right now,
but you have to understand a few misconceptions
before you understand the much bigger picture.
First off, your degree is not a job, Cubon.
That piece of paper is barely anything more than a symbol
of what you're capable of.
The true value is within you. Does that make sense?
I guess so.
Now is for a job. That's a bit harder.
The perfect job for you is out there,
but it's not going to be handed to you.
Finishing college is much closer to being the first step
than it was ever to being the final step to a dream career.
Uh, yeah, I understand.
Now, I'll do you a favor.
Call the bank again and ask to speak to Jeff.
He's the manager. Tell him that you're looking for a job at his bank.
Mention something about his affinity to child porn,
and I'm sure that something will pop up.
Child pornography.
Got it.
Uh, thanks, Agent Bradford.
Good. And good luck. Bye-bye now.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Um, is Obama there?
He's not by his phone, so I assume he's either in the bathroom
or on break.
Oh, darn.
Well, okay, have a nice day, Agent Bradford.
You too, Adam.
So I pretty much got the job at the bank.
What about me?
Well, I'm sure I could get you a job there, you know, if you wanted.
Eh, actually, I don't know.
I don't feel like much of a banker.
Well, that's because you've never worked.
Yeah, I get that.
But...
I don't know.
Well, what are you talking about?
Well, I can totally see you being a banker
because that's, like, why you went to school and everything.
My degree is in broadcast and cinematic arts.
Are you sure?
Yeah, I think so.
The NSA guy said it's not about finding the perfect job.
It's about finding the perfect place to wind up in.
You know, if we just started out there, there'd be nothing left to explore in life.
And there's plenty to explore.
What are you passionate about?
Raisin' Bran.
What else?
Watching reruns of Roseanne.
Anything else?
Video games?
See, right there. You could be a video game designer or a tester.
What else are you passionate about?
I like to take maps.
Congressman Walther's a nice ring to it.
I want to invent things.
And what will you grace our presence with?
Q-tips for your butt.
Why?
Because the normal ones are too small!
Okay.
Anything else?
Waterproof monitors that can hang in your shower.
See, that's actually a pretty good idea.
You're gonna be a millionaire.
And breakfast cups for the busy breakfaster on the go.
Why not just wash the bowls when you run out of dishes?
One thing at a time. My head's like spinning, though.
See, there's an entire world out there. You have to be willing to take it.
You're right.
Thanks, Glenn.
Where are you going?
I don't know, but for once I feel like that's okay.
Because I'll find it.
We both will.
I'll be back for my air horn and TV.
That's my TV.
But, yeah.
He's strange.
He is a mystery.
He's just so weird.
His eyes look so lonely.
Why is he so sad?
Real men don't have real problems.
No, do they bleed?
Behind the scenes.
Ben dresses Adam up.
And he's just, why did he get one?
He's just fucking no one.
I'm behind the camera!
Yeah!
Oh, no!
Chicken fingers down!
That was dirty.
Uh-oh!
I think I just accidentally unplugged the router.
Oh, it's going in the microwave.
What chicken and fish setting?
That's terrible for the...
Ah, damn it.
Now!
You can't pause GTA online!
Shut it off!
I'm in a bad neighborhood!
I accidentally disconnected the router!
Pretend you're older!
See? That's why he's here.
Old people don't open in a hurry.
They're like, huh, am I pretty?
It's the story of a Ben!
Those boots were made for running.
All right, Sarah and Block, what we're going to do is,
we're going to be screaming at these dogs,
and just take, like, the three seconds.
Come on!
Hi!
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Hi!
What are you doing?
We're sugar!
We're sugar-ing up!
White bang!
White bang!
For the trailer.
Yeah, ready?
Just both of you.
Watch Postgrad, fuckers.
Postgrad.
And live.
Hi.
What are you doing?
You're watching Postgrad.
It's a brilliant film.
And that's where you eat.
Matt Damon!
Be careful, this is dry clean only.
You can't wash these.
