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Music Box
Hey, you guys remember the band Social Distortion?
Yeah!
Cool.
Well, I saw them in college.
It was the, I got my fake ID taken away because it was very poor.
I believe the bouncer said, oh, come on.
And he was like, fine, go in, but come on.
And the Social Distortion, they're a punk band for those who don't know,
they came out, they started with the rock and roll,
and there was a guy in a wheelchair there.
And now this is about 92, 93.
And I thought the regret I did, like, hey, mosh pit's happening.
There's no reason he shouldn't be involved.
He should be shackled by his chair.
Fucking up quality.
Yeah!
So I was like, you're going up.
And he was like, what?
And then I'm like, wait, no.
And he tried to put the brakes on his chair.
I was like, and another guy fucking thought it was the greatest idea.
He grabbed the other side of his chair, and it worked as much as it could.
He didn't fall out.
And we went back to a safe position.
And then later, I accidentally elbowed a girl on the nose.
Total accident.
I think I discussed a little confession of, I think the other day about a harm I did to a differently abled person.
In college, I had a friend named Rich Chen who was blind.
Sure.
And one night we were out doing some shenanigans.
And he, at night, he would hold, he would want to hold someone.
So he'd walk around and I'm like, we all do, John.
Doesn't that make any sense?
That's the Rich Chen arm panty here.
And we're waiting, we're stopped.
And then I just kind of like, I only move like this.
And he thinks we're like, going now.
So he's just like, boom.
Oh no.
Wait a minute, Paul.
And I, it was the worst feeling.
I'm just like, he's like, it's okay.
Don't worry.
It happens.
Oh no.
I have a little music box from when I was a little girl.
It's like a little Holly Hoppy that you wind up and it has a little song that it plays.
And I have a daughter of my own now.
So my mother kept all the shit that sits now on my daughter's desk.
And then sometimes I turn it before she goes to bed.
And it was like, the wind up was kind of messed up.
So it was like, whoa.
So when she goes to bed and that's fine,
you say, good night, content Holly Hoppy.
Sweet dreams.
I had, I think, certain aspects of my brain become obsessive in very weird ways.
And one of those involved was the song Kokomo by Peter Boyle.
And John Stamos.
And John Stamos on drums, right?
Yeah.
I think he was just in the touring band, though, I think.
Somebody knows.
True.
That is true.
All of it?
Yeah.
Okay.
But it was for two weeks in high school, I had Kokomo stuck in my head and I thought that I was going insane.
No, I really did. I remember asking people if I should go see a doctor about it.
And it kind of, I think, coincided with sexual frustration.
But there are certain songs like that that are earworms that I come back to or thought patterns that are like Kokomo.
And I hate them.
I hate them.
What happens after Kokomo?
Oh, there's a Ludacris song that I have stuck in my head right now.
That's great, a piece by Wagner.
I'm not kidding.
There are certain songs that stick.
Can you do a little bit of the Ludacris song?
Well, it starts out, it starts out with a big string thing.
It's this loop that I have stuck in my head.
It's...
And it loops that for like three minutes.
And he rhymes things like, saved by more bells than Mark Voorhees, which I enjoy.
Ludacris is crazy.
It's a good shout-out.
He'll reach for some deep cuts.
But I have that, like, I have that little...
You got your cut.
Hey, Gil.
Hey.
Long weekend.
Yeah.
I mean, it's Tuesday.
We all had a long weekend.
What a crazy concert.
Oh, did you go to that festival there?
Yeah, the Eagles were playing the LA County Fair.
Yes.
It was like a lot of fun.
Did you read the story about the lady who killed her roommate
because she wouldn't stop playing the Eagles?
I fucking love the Eagles.
All right, Gil.
Desperado is my problem thing.
Desperado, that's for amateurs.
I only want to dig deep if you want to hear what they have to say.
Do you have plans next weekend?
No, but I mean, I have some errands to do.
I'm going to wash my DeVay cover.
It's a considerable DeVay.
I'd like to see that DeVay lamp.
Well, I mean, it's a town home, so you can come by.
It's not a gated community.
I mean, I'd like to see that DeVay and the comforter that goes inside it.
Gail, I'm a little uncomfortable.
You're my boss, you have an office.
I believe you're offering perhaps one time only sexual dalliance.
I don't.
I'm trying to patch things up with Wendy.
Don't say that.
She's got a lot of good qualities.
She's not an ex-wife.
It's a trial separation.
There have been no papers signed or asked.
There's not been a Notary public.
I'm a Notary public.
Is there anyone in the Eagles?
Oh, yeah.
What?
Yeah.
Like in the good Linda Ronstad?
That's the Mike Session guy.
That's not an eagle!
Before you go out and close your friends,
your dad just wanted to talk to you for a minute.
I'm in a big hurry to go out and play with my friends.
Monty, can you say something to your dad?
Yeah, are you guys going to come down on me again?
Let me say what I'm not always going to yell at you.
I mean, you just turned 12.
It's kind of a big deal.
I'll get some lemonade.
Get a lot of it.
Now look, when I was 12,
your grandfather gave me something that was very important to him.
Now that you're 12, I'm going to give you something that has been passed down
so by necessity, I have to give it to you.
Is it an iPhone 5?
Could you calm down?
Who has an iPhone 5?
You know what?
Danny has one already.
Everyone makes fun of me.
What did I tell you about Android platform versus Apple?
You're right.
We're the Motorola family.
And we always will be!
Look at that right there, okay?
That right there.
That's an original Sony Walkman.
It is missing the stop and record button, yes.
So I have to find the cassette tape and then play it once and then that's the end?
Did you not hear the story about how your grandfather got that from a Montgomery Whore?
And then he gave it to me when I was 12.
I thought that was just some made-up story to teach me the importance of...
Lemonade?
Lemonade!
Thank you dear.
I assume this is the first round.
I brought him a picture and I...
Man, this is an analog format.
I need to tell you something.
Not all family traditions are great.
This unfortunately is the one piece that your grandfather gave to me that I have to...
There is no fortune when I die.
There is nothing.
This is for a dad.
I'll be open.
A cashingle?
Yeah.
Mr. Big.
I'm the one who wants to be with you.
Is that the music video with the lighters?
I think it is.
I was trying to bond with you there, dad.
Maybe you're not ready for this.
Know this, someday when you have a kid prematurely because you weren't sure when to pull up...
You're giving that story to me and all my brothers.
I didn't know what the really was!
I didn't know what was coming that quickly!
I'm only 12.
You're going to find out soon enough.
Zach!
Know that this is waiting for you.
And if you can get your hands on 4D batteries...
Let me tell him the story again, how I didn't pull up in time.
In detail.
We were listening to Mr. Big.
Sorry, I'm sorry.
You're Dave Collier, right?
Cut it out.
You want an autograph?
Yeah, I've heard some rumors about you over the years and I just want to know if they're true.
Rumors?
Is that a last-more-set song about you, India?
I heard that a last-more-set song, India, is all about you.
And India is actually Dave Collier.
Thank you, Dave Collier, AKA India.
What to do?
I've been waiting in this park for four hours.
Really?
Yeah.
That's a little bit sad.
No, it's not.
It's my first time at sitcom-a-con...
sitcom-a-con, yeah!
And I couldn't afford to get in, so I just decided to hang out.
Well, they pay me a lot to endorse those chairs, so...
That's great. Is it true that you and Atlanta sat in chairs when she was writing that song about you?
You're a big Atlanta fan, aren't you?
You've got the shirt from the original tour and everything.
Color me weird.
Can I ask you something?
Sure. Questions, ads, deserved answers.
Have you ever done something that you're embarrassed of and it follows you and it haunts you to the point where it gets distorted
and then you have to decide whether or not you want to correct people or just let it go?
Of course not. Of course not.
Well, then we have nothing else to talk about.
No, no, we do, we do, we do!
I love that part of the house.
When you were in charge, when Danny Tanner was out to lunch, and then you had to take care of both the girls.
Who were one girl, by the way?
Mary Kate Nachley.
It's true.
Geniuses. Baby geniuses.
Well, I don't know about that.
No, that movie Baby Geniuses was about them.
Again, I don't know whether or not to correct you or just let it go.
You could validate me by telling me that I'm right.
You know what? You're right.
Baby Geniuses was about the Olsen twins.
Alanis, thank you, Lindy, a song is about me.
And the Rambo sequels were all ticked place in his mind.
Are you new in this?
Yeah, I knew it.
What's your favorite part about sitcom?
Last show to the Rattacid.
Danny, how about the Rattacid?
Can I get into it?
All right, fine.
Now, no kidding.
I'm writing songs about you.
Rattacid may not go down.
I have no doubt about the first date.
You're the middle ex.
Let's go!
Classic Cougar.
Just leave me be.
Fine.
Tom, you just got out of surgery ten minutes ago.
Don't treat me like a child!
We've just moved a few things.
Why would you move things? This is a game!
We were vacuuming.
I apologize. I'm just going to sit down.
I'm going to do my work, you guys.
Did they birth?
Just shift a bit.
No.
That was that guy from the muffler shop who always comes over and screws with us.
He was just, it's camaraderie for him.
All right, you know what?
Hey, I can take a joke like everyone else.
All right.
Let's let him just walk you to your drink and help you get something.
You guys, snacks and drinks.
No.
Fine, fine, guys.
Everything's going to be cool.
Okay, this is just going to be another day in the police station.
So just be cool!
If you didn't talk with your hands so much,
I think it would all feel a little bit safer around you.
Well, I'm sorry, I'm Italian.
Maybe you'd like to just disparage my people a little bit more.
Tom, another thing.
We'd all feel better if you left your sidearm in the locker.
It's a safety issue with your current condition.
Your eyes are bandaged, Tom.
Merely.
Guys, did you guys hear the siren go off?
What are you doing?
We need all of you out there.
Tom, it's your day to drive.
In the car!
Let's go V-tops!
Tom's driving today, okay?
The NWSC keep calling me saying,
we're a long organization,
but the organization for a lot of people called,
and they were like, Tom's driving!
Thanks, Mr. Mayor.
No problem.
Let's go make some safe.
That is going to catch on if people just start saying it.
Make some safe?
Yes!
Yes!
Come on, into the larger car that will fit us all.
Ah, come on.
I can hear with my hands.
You don't even know how to drive a standard.
You worked a clout.
Tom, there's danger happening out there.
If you would just let one of us drive,
then maybe we could...
Megan!
You better call me Carson.
Lieutenant Carson?
Okay, now did anyone fuck with my presets?
I got rid of NPR.
Well, Tom, nobody likes KJS.
I'd like to take this opportunity to commend my team
on coming together.
We took a situation that could have been really dire,
and we found some good.
Has anyone else not survived?
Nice lab treat.
They're not mine, they're actually all for sale,
so thank you.
Pretty sexy, the guy who...
I'm not like Dave Best Buy,
because it's kind of a storm.
Blue shirt too.
Jacky's.
You have casual friendings.
Specifically requested with me.
Or a uniform on any day.
A real nice flat front.
You said specifically you were looking for something
for football season.
I'm looking for a guy to watch football with.
So maybe one of these is going to help me out.
Yeah, well let me show you what we have.
This is a Sony Bluvia.
It's 55 inches, HDMI ports.
Are you looking at my...
I'm sorry.
I get that you're kind of flirting with me.
You're very...
Do I need to write it a little harder?
No, no, no.
Actually, maybe just a hint less.
Because right now it feels like
we're an inch away from weird break.
Get down to that close.
I find you attractive.
In the way that when you see a car that got hit,
you just need to know what's inside.
You got to get real close to that car.
Get real close to all the dirt, blood,
whatever's left inside.
Okay, right over here.
This is the Panasonic Signer.
60 inches for HDMI ports.
Come to the sound bar.
I don't understand how you hope this ends.
Do you think it's like we just do it in the best way?
You come over and you put it on the wall.
Okay.
Great.
I pick the guy who comes over and puts it on my wall.
That's never been our policy?
Yeah.
You're going to do it.
You know, honestly, it's been a slow time for me.
No, I get it.
Yeah.
You may get it.
Okay.
I wanted to have a couple of lemon drops.
They can't do the drink.
Both.
Whatever you want.
You're such a sweet, sweet little boy.
Thank you.
Okay.
I guess if you want this one.
No, I want one in a box.
Okay.
You haven't done this before.
No, normally I don't.
No, you're getting the truck.
They load it on the truck.
You get in the truck.
You come to the house.
I help you unload it.
You put it on the wall.
We have some lemon drops and then make some sweet, sweet love.
What is unclear about this?
All right.
Where are we dropping this one off?
She's in her directions where I get as close to the Stortz as you can.
Hey, Geek Squad.
Geek Squad.
Hey, stop, Geek Squad.
I'm sorry.
Why would you do that?
This could never end well.
I've been waiting out here for a long time.
I got my receipt from 1991.
I got this laser disc over here.
It's got the Eagles live in Gwanda, stuck inside of it.
A war refund.
Just to recap.
You've been under front lawns since 1991 with the receipt.
I don't live here.
You're a squad.
Okay.
And I didn't steal it.
Obviously he stole it.
I got it.
I called up Best Buy, Dave Best Buy, and I asked him in my head,
hey, is this Kosher?
And he said, yep, I'm Jewish.
He said, put me in your van.
Makes perfect sense to me.
I'm in fact.
Hey, Best Buy.
Best Buy.
Why don't you shoot two in a row?
Hey, I'm an original Eagles bassist, Timothy B. Schmidt.
I've fallen on hard times.
I've seen rhythm guitars, Don Felder and I,
we try to open up a chain of car washes,
and then Don Henley borrowed my ATM card.
It's true.
It's in the lighter notes for this laser disc.
Go on.
Schmidt and Felder's hand wash.
Best car wash in the valley.
Damn you, Don Felder.
Anyway, it's our times.
I was just wondering if I could get a picture ride,
maybe make a print.
Make him a ride without giving me a ride.
We were partners before.
I think we can.
Okay, get in.
I'm trying to go install a flat screen in this woman's house.
Okay.
I was thinking we should get into the chicken business next.
Chicken?
You smell like asphalt.
You smell like Good Platties.
Well, we were wrestling in Good Platties and asphalt earlier,
so that might be why.
You can guess who was on top.
Is that a sign for an open mic tonight?
Oh, yeah, it is.
Oh, no, it's that blind cop crashing again in two minutes.
Your glasses.
I thought you might be able to read the paper better if you wore the reading glasses.
Thank you.
I found these at a cheesecake factory.
You know, Mr. Wallace, you...
That's nice.
Look at you.
You look like you jumped off a china vase.
Okay.
Mr. Wallace, I don't know if you've been taking your medication
the way that you're supposed to.
You should certainly have it behaving the way that...
Still putting it in my mouth.
But are you swallowing it?
Hell, I don't like to be nosy.
It goes in there.
Let's just assume.
Mr. Wallace, you have a huge fortune to attend to.
I don't know if wandering around, going to the cheesecake factory,
and talking to the health is going to help you manage that.
I consider it a mini-adventure.
You don't have to tend too much to a fortune.
Tends to itself.
You know, I find if you wear slippers,
people don't ask you questions when you go out in public.
Yeah.
Mr. Wallace, I'm afraid you're going to have to call yourself.
Self?
It's just...
It seems like you're really not quite yourself to me.
Maybe I'm being my best self.
Maybe being a captain in industry who didn't have a heart.
Maybe that wasn't me.
I was trying to be further people.
And right now, pajamas at 4 p.m. is the me I was were to be.
It's just he told me that it was very important for me to call him
before you exhibited this kind of behavior.
You are a natural subject.
Thank you.
Sure.
Sarah, be a dear and take the phone out of the crib.
The cord won't reach that far.
Well, dial the numbers.
What do you think of the princess line?
Pretty fancy.
It's a nice one.
Yes, hello, Martin.
Yeah?
Yes, I just feel like perhaps you ought to come down here and visit your father.
Oh.
Is he...
In a way?
Yeah.
Yes.
Oh.
I'm in the middle of watching some of my fantastically spectacular specials.
Well, I know you do produce quite a pageant.
But...
You've ever been to sitcom come before?
It's not a pageant as much as it is a convention to celebrate the artistry of sitcom.
Right.
However, your father, I...
I don't know how much time he has left.
You know, Sarah, I went into one of those nail places and gave a manicure to an Asian lady.
She didn't see it coming.
Brought my own tools.
There it goes again.
There it goes again.
She left happy.
You would just say that you wanted me to call you, so I called you.
I appreciate it.
I do.
I'll be there as soon as that restaurant opens.
Well, I guess it's me and you, Mr. Collins.
I need my nails done.
Have a soak.
Well, I guess it's me and you, Mr. Collier.
As the founder of sitcom, we have many fantastic people that we've brought here.
We've got your long, boring meetings.
We've got your manual loses.
We've got your people that played the robot from Small Wonder.
I have a name.
I have a name.
I'm sorry, Vicki.
No, you're not sorry.
No, I am.
Now you've upset her.
She's just a robot child.
She doesn't have a mom.
I mean, human fucking being with a role on a TV show.
Oh, look.
Look.
It's not a robot.
It's not a mom.
It's just a kind of discovery as you have here at Silicon Con.
You can discover something about yourself.
What's your deepest dark secret, Mr. Collier?
I can't tell you that.
Oh, sure you can.
I've been Nick Wallace for a second.
But if I tell you, who knows what will happen to it?
Deep and Collier did what?
That's right.
Oh, my God.
What's your deepest dark secret?
You could possibly have that.
Oh, my God.
You need to put this in paper.
Print and cut.
Above the fold.
Why don't you?
You're telling me that Dave Collier reverse engineered a faulty O-ring for the spaceship
challenge.
And that is the whole Kristen McCall thing.
Unbelievable.
Yes.
I was as upset as you are.
He was 182 years old.
It makes no sense.
He's Canadian.
Canadians hate NASA.
Yes.
Because they think...
I just feel like I have no new ideas for this album.
Have you heard any crazy stories about Mr. Collier?
I could put in my song.
Yes, Alanna said.
They blew up the space shuttle challenger.
I remember.
Because they found out that NASA was secretly engineering the northern lights by sprinkling
Kool-Aid powder in the upper atmosphere.
Dave, now I'm feeling inspired.
Hi, Dave.
Hello, Alanna.
Long time no blow job.
Thank you.
