This is Duke Karate, a self-trained spiritual and martial arts advisor.
Duke made himself into who he is by kicking his past of sadness and self-doubt right in the butthole.
Duke had just returned to the home of his childhood friend, Art Bertrude, a taxman who hides away from the troubling world.
Art needed Duke, and Duke needed a small victory and a place to crash. But first, Art needed a name.
The solemnity of this new identity ceremony cannot be impressed upon you further than I already have, Art.
Okay, Duke. Hey, uh, Duke, I remember you talking kind of different than I remember.
No!
Look, man, I told you I was going to crash here until I fulfilled the promise of making you as radical as I am.
I'm Duke Karate. So, bug up, man.
Alright, fine. Sorry, Duke.
Alright, now, Art, your life has basically been a goddamn beer fest.
I mean, if you say so.
No, man. Only if you say so, I will teach you to shake the shackles of fear and become a great goddamn soren bear with wings as wide as a big old jet.
Now, Art.
Different.
Now, my name is Duke Karate now. What is your new name, Art?
Daren.
Daren? Great. Relatable but mysterious.
You like it, right?
Of course, man. If you want to be Daren who doesn't give two dicks about nothing, well then that's fine by me.
Daren?
Okay. I mean, I knew it was cool.
Cool.
Cool!
Uh, sir, I can see you hiding back there. If you could just come and sign this, I can be on my way.
What are you doing?
God, don't do that!
Come on, man. Your new identity is finally arrived!
I really don't want it. I don't need it.
No, come on.
Just look for your trust.
No!
No! No! Duke, stop!
Come on!
No, no, no! Duke, no!
No, please!
Hello, sir.
Uh, package for Art Bertrand?
No, he's dead.
No, no, no. I'm Art.
No, you're not. You're Daren.
Come on, man. Art would do to himself when he got scared.
Not Daren, so tell him who you are!
All right, fine. I'm Daren and I don't do to myself anymore.
It really doesn't matter. I just need someone to sign for this.
No, it got damn matters. He's Daren and he doesn't do to himself.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
It really doesn't matter.
That's all!
Come on, man.
Never, ever, goddamn ever, remove this badge.
It is honor, grace, and most of all, kick-assiveness.
Good to see you again, neighbor.
Hey, I just wanted to come home.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Hey, neighbor, hey, I just wanted to come over and say, oh, shoot.
Except in poop.
Okay.
I guess I'll just keep running.
Run it off.
Gosh.
Bye.
Stupid.
Was that the girl?
Where'd he go?
Hey.
Hey, man.
What are you doing?
All the action's out here.
I'm not hiding.
Okay.
Look, man, I just treat fear like I treat snakes.
Never let them bite me more than once.
Snakes?
I'm just saying, man, this is something that art the fart would do.
I want to be Daren now.
I know you're Daren.
Okay?
And Daren can smash fear like potatoes.
So let's show the world that you're Daren now.
Daren!
Key on, man.
Only 53 more.
I don't know.
I think it worked better with art.
The important thing is, you said Daren.
Do karate!
See, man?
Shout your name out and print it on the universe.
No shame, no gain.
Go for it.
I'm Daren.
I'm Daren.
No, man.
Who are you?
I'm Daren.
Come on, man.
Who are you?
I'm Daren!
Daren!
I'm Daren!
Key on, man.
Shut up!
Daren!
I know it's super scary, Daren,
but you can harness the galaxy in body form just like me.
Oh, wait, wait.
Right on top.
Alright.
We ain't kids who get mudkicks in our face anymore.
We're radioactive lions!
Hey there, neighbor.
As you can see, no more poop.
Hey, I'm Daren.
Daryl?
What's that? I can't hear you, Daren.
I'm Daren!
Okay, you goop.
I'm Daisy!
Good to meet you.
Cool.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Dang!
Daren said his name to Daisy!
Key on, man.
Next time we'll work on talking.
Hey, I'm Daren.
Hi, I'm Daisy.
The weather's good.
Sure is.
Okay, glad you agreed.
Alright.
I mean, kind of superficial combo,
but you're sounding more and more like Daren.
Yeah, I feel more like Daren.
I know, man.
See, it's not that hard.
Just stick to what I like to call
the five W's of combo.
Yeah, I think that'll help me, like, focus.
Exact amundo.
All we need is some kick-ass combos,
and you'll be all practiced up to say
Daisy!
I'll freak again.
It'll be awful.
Big one, man.
I freak out all the time.
It's the best.
I mean, be who you want.
I'm a freakin' poisonous tiger.
So what?
Yeah.
So what?
What the hell is this?
Is this a throwing star?
Or it's 10 to 20 feet closer,
and this would have taken my freakin' nose off.
Oh, Tyler.
Crap.
Sorry.
Never.
Look, man, I'm here to tell you
that me and the neighbors have been talking,
and we're usually pretty cool with you
doing your thing back here,
but this, this is trash with your face on it,
and it's everywhere, all right?
Also, there's been a lot of yelling
coming from the house.
Also, the smell of rats in the garage,
it's getting pretty potent.
Well, first off,
this is Daren,
and I'm Duke Karate,
and Daren would be happy to have a conversation with you
seeing as you're just gonna walk into his house like that.
What the hell is this?
Art, I'm just here to tell you to pick up the flyers.
Are you gonna pick up the flyers or not, man?
Uh...
Why?
Why?
What?
When?
You're just not gonna answer me, or...
Obviously, he's trying to have a conversation with you.
Ta-ta.
Have you not heard of the 5 Ws of combo?
But I don't want to have a conversation.
This is a simple request to pick up the flyers, Art.
I'm pretty sure his name is Daren.
Yeah.
I'm Daren.
What is the problem?
What a good way to enter the discussion, Daren.
This is not a discussion.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
It's a demand.
I demand both of you bozos to pick up the flyers.
Now, this is what experts call a heated conversation.
Okay.
Why would we do that?
What a good way to extend the conversation.
We've got damn gusto, Daren.
Now, focus in and express your wants.
I'm Daren, and I do what I want.
What a Daren thing to say.
All right.
If you guys don't cut the bullshit, I'm going to call the cops.
How about that?
Fine.
We'll pick up your stupid flyers because it's just your baby shit you're going to call
the goddamn police on us.
Yeah.
Baby shits are weak.
That was an incredible combo, Cripp, right there, Daren.
I mean, come on, Todd.
That was good.
Give it to him.
Come on.
I'm not going to give him anything.
You're weird, and I don't like you.
Don't call me weird.
Do not.
Do not.
Now, that is what I call a freak out.
I mean, come on.
That was incredible.
Damn, man.
People are going to be upset, Daren.
Folks don't like it when people pillock and punch away into a new self.
But I thought you told me to be me.
Damn straight.
Be you.
And do you know the best way to defend your new self, Daren?
A gun.
No.
No, man.
That's the coward's way.
The best defense is having a nearly impenetrable shield of confidence.
Oh, that's way better and obviously safer.
Uh-huh.
Like, I ain't going to get in a fight because it hurts a lot.
But I definitely know how to fight off a fight.
You know?
Wait, you just give up?
That's kind of my move.
See, here.
Ah, much lighter.
No, man.
Look, even better.
Check it out.
What I do is I flip my shit so hard.
They're just like, I ain't messing with that guy.
He might eat my nose off.
Pretty killer, huh?
I guess.
It seems kind of intense, though.
Well, it is.
I call that technique oblivious.
Kind of frustrated here, guys.
Found some more flyers, which is more trash.
Come on, Art.
Why Art?
What Art?
When Art?
I don't know Art.
Yeah.
I'm Darren.
Seriously, Art, I'm just trying to have an adult conversation with you, man.
And in the spirit of adult stuff, I think these are tax documents that the mailman
gave me.
I think our mail's getting switched.
Oh, I keep getting your mail.
Your Tyler.
Tyler Butzuk.
Wait, your Tyler Butzuk?
No, Butzuk.
It's Swedish.
Oh, Butzuk.
No, it's Butzuk.
It's Swedish.
Okay, great.
Butzuk.
Whatever, man.
Just give Darren his mail back.
No, I would love to give somebody this mail, but it's addressed to Art Bertrude.
So it's a federal offense for me to give it to anybody but Art Bertrude.
Oh, come on, Tata.
Look, I knew you suck.
But right now, you're lower than a howler monkey's testicles and probably just a salt.
Dude, stop.
I really need my mail.
I'll just say it real quick.
It doesn't matter.
Yeah, see.
Art right here.
He gets it.
Get over here.
What?
Look, God damn matters.
What the fuck have we been doing this whole time, man?
We ain't dog shit anymore.
Okay, great.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Look, like I said before, Tata, I'm Duke Karate, and this is Darren, and you need to give Darren
his mail back.
First of all, my name is not Tata, and second, the mail is addressed to Art Bertrude.
Those are tax documents.
This is not okay.
Okay, so if you're Darren and you're not Art Bertrude, then you don't care if I go and
do something like this.
Tyler, stop.
Okay, I give up.
I'm...
No!
Engage!
Oblivion!
Butsuck!
Butsuck!
Butsuck!
Butsuck!
Butsuck!
Hey, cut it out.
Butsuck!
What's he doing?
Butsuck!
Butsuck!
Enough of this shit, man!
You call yourself Duke Karate, you don't even do real karate.
So what, man?
Big whoop.
You think you can come to my house and you can push my friends around?
Shut up!
Shut up!
Your name is not Darren.
It's Art.
Did you shit?
Mm-hmm.
I just came over here to give you your mail.
Somehow I got sucked into whatever this is, and now all I feel is shame.
I won!
Pick up the flyers, take your damn mail, quit messing with the neighborhood.
Wait messing up nothing, Tata!
You're stuck in tiny ideas land!
Darren is the new king of this castle, and there ain't nothing you can do about it.
So why don't you take your lame ass and laugh and make like a grungy in a run?
I can't believe you just give up on Darren like that.
Forgot damn nothing.
Sorry.
I guess Art the Fart struck again.
Well, whatever, man.
I'm gonna go to the garage.
Oh, Darren!
It's okay.
That guy sucks.
And I cramped my pants last week.
I'm lactose intolerant, but I love ice cream.
What can you do?
Not be dog shit anymore.
That's what...
What are you doing?
I don't know, man.
Maybe I'm bearing bad memories.
Your bad memories look a whole lot like dead rats.
Yeah.
Okay?
Yeah.
So what?
It just seems kind of weird, you know?
It's like berry dead rats.
Oh, now you're thinking like Tyler Buttsuck, just like everyone, man.
Look, they may have got us once, but we're better than those dickbears, and you know this.
Maybe we should just throw these in the dumpster and just be done with all this.
They'll still stink, okay?
Look, if you can't bury your past, you damn well can't dig up your future.
That makes sense.
Alright, let's bury some rats.
Now the first rat Fred, he was real nice, but he was a coward.
Let all the other rats take all his goddamn food.
That's not okay, Duke.
You can find your food so you can do oblivion.
I know.
And so we bury that cowardess and that rat Fred.
Then there was Otto.
Otto was real small, but he was quick and cunning.
He thought he could outsmart those traps, but bang!
Not so smart anymore.
So now we bury that being too smart for your britches and that rat Otto.
Can't be too smart.
Lastly was big ol' Crager.
Now Crager would just take all the food by goddamn brute force.
I mean, he even scared me.
Wake up at night and he'd just be sitting up like Jabba the Hutt with big ol' squid eyes.
Just staring at it.
Thing is though, there's always someone more powerful right around that corner.
So late one night when he was sitting up holding court, I just got my sledgehammer crept up behind him.
And I crushed him with my sledgehammer.
Oh.
So now we bury that hubris and that rat Crager.
Now Darren, that's how I buried Fred Otto Crager.
Remember him?
I remember him.
He used to really like karate when he was a kid.
Now he's a spiritual and a martial arts advisor.
And my friend.
Yeah.
Now Darren, you got a sack bigger than goddamn raisins.
Take the sledgehammer, kill a rat, bury the past.
I don't know dude, I think I already get what you're saying.
Don't do this to me now.
Each second that we wait is more past than we have to goddamn bury.
Because if you don't kill one, I'll kill two.
Oh no dude, please don't.
My friend in front of me is my sad sack tax pal who's dildoing himself
because he's goddamn too afraid to even think about what he wants.
I'm not a coward.
Then goddamn prove it Darren.
I mean bury the past.
Go into the fear.
Well what?
Are you going to be art the fart today?
I'm Darren and you know it.
Rub it!
Hi.
I think this package was for you Tyler Butesuke.
Oh, cool, thanks.
And thanks for not calling me Butesuke.
Sure, a lot of people call me Butesuke.
A lot.
So I really really appreciate it.
No problem.
You're not going to smash me with that thing are you?
Oh no, no that's the coward's way.
I just realized I haven't formally introduced myself.
I'm Darren, tax auditing is my trade, I live next door.
My friend Duke and I, we're going to keep doing what we're doing.
But know this, you will never stop us.
Because we are electrified panthers.
Right.
Okay, right on man, that's cool.
One simple request, you guys are constantly at 11 or 12.
Can we just dial it down to a 10?
Gladly.
And can we even dial it down to a 9 after 8 p.m.?
Okay.
It'd be super cool.
Yeah, absolutely.
Thanks for stopping by.
It was nice to meet you Darren.
Nice to meet you too.
He's a weird one, huh?
You look crazy.
Hey, sorry about the other day.
Hey, it's cool.
Listen, if I give you my number, will you call me?
Because I keep feeling like we say I like you with our eyes.
And I mean, we've both crapped ourselves, so...
I like you too.
Oh, wait, um, I do like you.
But I think I need to keep working in myself to make myself into the best Darren that I can be.
So that we have a healthy start.
Oh, okay.
How long do you think that's going to be?
No pressure.
Uh, five months?
Okay, deal.
Hey, isn't that your buddy?
Oh, uh, yeah, uh, I gotta go.
Yeah, five months.
Five months.
I'll hold you to it.
It's fine.
We're all weird.
I'm weird.
My dad's in jail.
I have an extra pinky toe.
It's fine.
Duke, Duke, where are you going?
Oh, hey Darren.
Man, I just really messed up last night, so I think I'm just gonna go.
No, Duke, I talked to Tyler Butzook and I told him that, you know, we're gonna keep doing whatever we want.
And that's that.
Cool, huh?
Holy cock-a-dicks, dude.
Yeah, and get this.
I ran into Daisy and she told me that she likes me and I told her that I need, like, five months to better myself.
And that's pretty great.
Ke-yah, man!
Oh, well, um, I guess, I guess you just sorted it all out yourself, so...
No, no, no, Duke, stay.
I mean, there's so many more small victories we need to take care of.
Really?
Yeah.
Ke-yah, man!
Duke and Darren, keep on!
And so Darren soared out of his pit of despair like a bear with big old jet wings, just as Duke had predicted.
Their unhinged journey nearly destroyed them, but sometimes you need to go a little insane to find yourself.
And amid all the chaos, you'll have won a small victory for you and you alone.
Ke-yah, man.
Ke-yah, man.
