I have to admit I'm a bit nervous.
I'm not used to reading my work in front of quite so many people.
When the producers of this programme approached me,
the book Schnook-Nook over on Melrose asked me to come here.
I didn't realise it would be such a large audience.
There are a lot of non-fiction books about finches,
and even more non-fiction books about the mating habits of finches,
which defies logic because the latter is a subset of the former.
Now, I won't waste your time listing some of the various books about finch mating habits
because it's not a waste of time, it's important information.
There's The Mating Habits of Finches by S.T. Perlman, The Mating Habits of Finches by Roger Tuckman,
Finches and Their Mating Habits by Carl Mandelbrot,
The Mating Habits of Finches by Laura Fennell,
From Egg to Perch, Colin, The Mating Habits of Finches by Leonard Katz,
The Mating Habits of Finches by Yule Fennell, that's Laura's husband,
A Finch Reproduction Overview by Sting, quite the Renaissance man,
The Mating Habits of Finches by Max Breatine,
Peck Tweet Love by Lydia Slorb,
Hey kids, let's learn about finches and their breed-specific mating proclivities
by David Formithelus,
The Mating Habits of Finches by L.B.P. Corfer Fevorger,
The Mating Habits of Finches by Curtis Konkin,
Finches and Their Habits, especially with regards to mating by Rory Holbrook,
Finch Mating Habit by Miku Yushi Takashi,
The Mating Habits of Finches by Samuel P. Jackson,
Do finches have penises? Yes, by Danke Hofloslogern,
And fourth to last, finches and how they mate by David Frontoberst,
Mating Habits of Finches by Gilbert Thomak,
If the branch is a rockin', then don't underestimate the wide variety of mating habits
employed by finches, by Zap Rabinowitz,
And the Mating Habits of Finches by Thelpe Derek Gabydian, just to name a few.
But none of those non-fiction books about the mating habits of finches
is written in the first person,
from the point of view of the finch itself.
And that is the unoccupied niche into which I have thrust
my newest literary offering entitled,
I Finch a First Person Si Imagining of the Mating Habits of Finches.
Now the title of the chapter from which I am now going to read and excerpt is
17, Mate Selection Determination Factors Among Geographically Non-Specific
Sub-Migrating Male Finches Part 4.
Once again, that's chapter 17,
Mate Selection Determination Factors Among Geographically Non-Specific
Sub-Migrating Male Finches Part 4.
Please enjoy.
I'm sorry, I have a bit of what my doctor calls,
nerd throat.
Oh, yeah, my beak, it reeks, my beak, it reeks of pussy.
Oh, I'm a motherfucking finch, and I'm here to say
I fuck myself a female finch most every day.
I lay my inches in the trenches of all the fine finch wenches.
They can't fake it when they make it, if so,
they're better actresses than damn Judy Denches.
My eyes are beady, but my cock is greedy.
You're the island of Galapagos, and I'm the HMS Beagle,
so like all the other sloppy hosts, I'm gonna fuck you like an eagle.
I'll be the perch you sit on, the newspaper that you shit on,
I'll even be the cuddle bone you scrape your beak on,
so let's get the freak on.
I'm gonna go Dawson's Greek on your bones,
make you talk like Katie Holmes like you had a stroke.
That's her condition, Picasso of the face.
This ain't no motherfucking joke, I'm horny for finch pussy.
Your beak evolved from cracking nuts,
so get cracking on mine, you cracko slut.
My beak is sharp for piercing berries,
so turn around and let me pop your cherry.
For my chirp, I'm tough like wiren up or hop along Cassidy,
I'm gonna test your elasticity, make it...
serious information I'm imparting.
For my chirp, I'm tough like wiren up or hop along Cassidy,
I'm gonna test your elasticity,
you have to be loose like Samantha on Sex and the City.
My dick's so big, I'll fuck a goose.
My dick's so big, I'll fuck a goose.
My dick's so big, I'll fuck a goose.
My dick's so big, I'll fuck a goose.
Sorry for that loop girl, it was caused by my cock droop girl.
It fell onto the keyboard when I was wasted
and without my knowledge it cut and pasted
the phrase I just repeated.
My cock's so big that when I wear flat front khakis
they look pleated.
Yeah, I know if fins don't wear khakis, shut up.
With a flip-flip flap, I'll lie on your back
and lift your tail feather for two seconds of pleasure
in your rear heather, that's your name, right?
Hey, wait, don't take flight, it's alright, I won't bite,
I'll just peck on your neck, don't go, we can take it slow.
Ha, ha, too late, we had sex, yay!
Don't worry, baby, you got a short memory
in a second and you'll reintroduce yourself to me
and I'll get myself some of that finch pussy.
Now, I'm gonna list some motherfucking breeds of finches
and after each one you're gonna say, yeah, I fucked that.
Red-headed finch.
Gouldian finch.
Black-cheek finch.
Orange-breasted finch.
Florida-fancy finch.
Yellow-peaked finch.
Recessive silver finch.
Wine-headed mounia finch.
Rufus black, the mannequin finch.
Shut up, I don't want your ad-libs.
I'll just skip a bunch of those.
10 centimeters by 5 centimeters
with a wingspan of 21 centimeters?
Ha, only if she weighs between 16 and 22 grams.
Peace.
Oh, thank you so much for that rousing response.
Oh, yes, well that was the end of the vid.
I was looking at my notes for something else.
Thank you.
