Have you ever had a case of the raging hard-ons ever erupt in an erection at an inappropriate time?
Hmph, I can relate.
Hey kids, Monty Wolfshire the third here, and have I got a product for you?
Have a big presentation at school, attending a funeral, giving an inauguration speech.
I've listed three of many scenarios where your saluting manhood will be best remained at ease.
Ever since the dawn of time, whenever women get a boner,
we've had to be patient and wait for our fully fledged flamingos to settle down on its own.
Well, not anymore. Introducing, Earth Control.
By Antiagra, guaranteed a stifle that's stiffy and less than ten minutes.
Or your money partially refunded. Pop one of these bad boys and your bad boy will be popping one for the next 12 hours.
At least. Still don't believe us? Let's hear some testimonials from real, living people.
What are your thoughts on Earth Control?
Earth Control has literally stopped me from getting an erection. When I was in high school, I had to give a presentation in front of the whole class.
Obviously it was a pretty hormonal time for everybody, so I ended up with a pretty massive boner.
This kid saw me walking up to the front of the class, he's like, hey hard dick.
No, it's hard dick, hard dick. The whole class cracked up, it was humiliating.
Everybody was laughing at me, couldn't give my presentation. But I never forgot that lesson.
Years later I had to give another presentation. But this time I knew about Earth Control.
Took one of those pills that morning, beat the crap out of that kid. Beat the nuts out of that kid.
Beat him up so bad he ended up in the nurse's office. So he was in the class and I gave him a presentation.
I got to the whole thing without a little visit from my friend Dananda.
He was my wanger. My dick.
Earth Control changed my life, man. My penis used to get erect all the time.
You know, girl, boner, class, boner, church, amen.
And goat, strangely enough, boner. But to take one of these things, nothing.
I was at this party, I was talking with my friends and they were telling me about how they all get boners all the time.
And so I told them about this and they didn't believe me at first, so we all decided to take one.
After that, it was Lake Placid, baby.
So I bought Earth Control instead of Earth Control, but it still worked. I guess that's good.
I am a real living person and this product works exactly as advertised.
It is a cheaper, safer, more effective alternative than any of its competitors' products.
It is also good for the environment.
This product is a godsend. I almost missed five bus stops because I didn't want to stand up and display my massive erection.
I can finally wear sweatpants in public and no more awkward boners when I'm swimming. Am I right, ladies?
But yeah, waking up is finally the hardest thing in the morning and I'm really grateful.
I've always wanted you, porn. However, I needed something to help distinguish myself from the competition.
You know, I noticed all these porn stars had these massively erect dicks, so I thought, what if mine was flaccid?
However, I tried everything and everything just kept giving me a full-blown chubby.
But that's when I found it. Earth Control.
Earth Control gave me the compass I needed to come, banging into the porn industry.
It really gave me a leg up, a dick up, if you will, metaphorically speaking, of course.
I'm honestly really surprised that no one has ever heard of it, but I hope they never do.
Actually, I'm sort of a marvel over here.
Mr. Fan Flaccid, they call me.
You might recognize me from my most recent role as Bruce Ramher in The Anal Avengers.
Say what?
Say it.
Say it.
That's my secret, Faptin.
I'm always flaccid.
So there you have it, folks. Two out of five scientists agree that three out of five scientists are wrong.
You can't argue with science, it's science.
So you still don't believe us?
Just want to try it out.
You're up in the club with your bud, and you want to be a good wingman, so you take the dime's ugly friend and you want to avoid two chubbies?
Well, give us a call at 1-800-FUC-KO-FFF for a free trial.
Call within the next 30 days and receive another free sample, completely free.
Hey, weren't you in that one?
You bet your sweet ass I was.
Mark, get off.
Leave, please.
Fuck you, Mark.
You want the pill?
Uh, yeah.
Me too!
So is your real name James Franco?
Or is James just your middle name?
No, my birth name is Dave, but people get confused with me with Dave Franco, the actor, so I changed to James.
My middle name is actually Seth Rogen.
Wait, your real name is Seth Rogen?
But that's a full name.
Yeah, it's just a name, man, it just rolls off the tongue, Seth Rogen.
Wait, so you're telling me Seth Rogen is inside James Franco?
Yeah, I guess you could say that.
You know what, this is the end of our conversation.
Bye.
Oh my god, you again?
What do you want?
Want to see it?
No.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Mr. Ass, get out of here.
Mr. Ass, Mr. Ass, please.
Okay, Mr. Ass.
For the last goddamn fucking...
No, don't touch me.
