Hi, my name is Lori Rosenwald and I'm a talking mind.
I'm not a very good mind, so I use the power of the English language to express my thoughts
and feelings.
For example, right now I'm stuck in a box and I can't get out.
I'm going to have to do the whole show from inside this box.
I want to talk about people that do lots of different kinds of things, but only if all
the people are me.
Top floor, ego department, please just this once.
Anyway I'm 54 and I still haven't picked a major.
I tried comedy but it didn't work out.
Not just because it's a disreputable, cheesy, idiotic, frat boy art form, but because I'm
a professional illustrator.
But that's just as idiotic because nobody's taken that seriously since 1839 when Louis
DeGair patented the camera.
Doing comedy is like being a prostitute without the sex or the money.
And being an illustrator is like prostitution without the sex, the money, or the respect.
So no, I'm not a comedian and I'm certainly no actress, although I have auditioned for
the part of a mental patient, two homeless murderers, a Russian bikini waxer described
as road hard and put away wet, and a butcher woman holding a meat puppet.
You heard me.
And yet I had a speaking role on the Sopranos.
I appeared in the part of woman, a role I feel I was born to play.
I had one line.
When you say that, you make me feel less than.
I met somebody at a cocktail party and afterward she says, call me.
And I say, sure, I'll call you.
Let's be friends.
And she says, no, no, no.
It's about work.
And I say, oh, where do you work?
And she says, Will Amina.
And I say, are you by any chance blind?
Because it's a big modeling agency and I'm not exactly Victoria's secret weapon.
And then I say, but I'm an illustrator.
And she says, just send me a headshot.
And I got the part.
I hold an incredibly successful workshop called How to Make Mistakes on Purpose, which teaches
people how to make mistakes on purpose.
It's not what you think it is.
It's not about accepting your mistakes and all that stuff.
It's not good to describe it because it's about surprise.
I make all the participants swear, oh, Merta, which is the mafia code of silence after they've
done it.
I've taught this workshop all over the world for Starbucks and Google and to the Prince
of Sweden.
It's not particularly for designers.
Anybody can do it.
There's some details at Rosenworld.com, but not many.
I think it's, I've seen it before, but this time I think it's even better.
You should be able to do something this creative, this, this, there's big about having a losing
end up and never have done anything like this, which is, it's so simple, but it's so good.
And I think a couple of them said, whenever I'm stuck, I will always remember this is
the way to do it.
If you're seeing these movies with people drawing, please don't tell anybody that this
is part of the workshop because these days even illustrators are afraid of drawing let
alone regular people.
So please keep it a secret.
This is a guidebook and a journal and a sketchbook called New York Notebook.
And it's very arty and collagy, but it has great ideas like how to sneak into a Broadway
show for free and buy designer shoes and a mini modernism tour and where to get ostrich
meat and how to make an egg cream and where to go if you want to be a comedian in Eisenberg's,
which if it goes out of business, I'm out of here and where to see great movies and
get your jumpsuit dry cleaning.
You can call up the New York Public Library and they'll just tell you anything that you
want to know and strange places with no signs and Chandrika soap and Cafe Chiton and the
true mirror where you see yourself the way other people see you and a Yiddish vocabulary
and it's got everything really you need to know, New York Notebook.
This is my book.
It's called and to name, but just a few red, yellow, green, blue.
And this is the cover and it's all about colors and it's very collagy.
Anywhere you want to go, Ghana, France, Japan, Peru, bring some paper, paint and glue.
Anything you want to make, just be sure you always take red, yellow, green, blue.
Yoshi, Pedro, Sven and Sue.
Bring some colored pencils too and then it says 10 cents a peek.
I am taking a nap under this flap and a blanket I made from a piece of gift wrap.
Ketchup on your fries, cherries in your pies, planet Mars in space, lipstick on your face.
Lobsters for your lunch, roses in a bunch.
Stop, was that a sign?
Call on the hotline, fire truck ahead.
All of them are red.
Jeans are blue.
Jeans are too, mailboxes to send your mail and a shark who has a tail.
The sky is blue, the ocean is blue and if you're sad you could be blue.
So I think you get the idea and it's a very good book for kids.
My latest book is called All the Wrong People Have Self-Esteem, an inappropriate book for
young ladies or frankly anybody else and it got a starred review from Publishers Weekly.
Apparently that's a big deal.
And it has things like kicked out of yoga, your breasts, what do they mean, the PMS collection
agency is the earth really worth saving, tired of green, try the purple movement.
If you've ever felt that you don't deserve bottled water, this book is for you.
If you're a vegetarian but you eat meat, this book is for you.
If you've ever stolen a lipstick, this book is for you.
On the other hand, if you haven't or you don't and everything's perfect, you should read
it anyway because nobody likes a winner.
Oh they're so beautiful and to think no two are alike.
Yeah but they're pretty damn similar.
Some people think I'm a pervert just because I like to watch couples, like in restaurants
and stuff.
For instance last night I met Magu and this man and woman are on a date and the woman
says you are gonna love this place.
It is incredible and oh my god, the sushi here is awesome but you have to try the yellow
tail.
It is amazing, amazing.
And I'm thinking this woman has just used up all of her superlatives because if it were
me I would wait until that piece of yellow tail jumped up, ran out onto West Broadway,
held a piece of flying fish row, flew to the Middle East, created a lasting piece, flew
back, turned into Johnny Depp, stepped over the bodies of Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansson
and Vanessa Paradis, pulled the hope diamond out of his pocket, popped open a magnum of
Chateau de Chem 1929, got down on one knee and said Lori will you be my bride and then
and only then would I say you know what that yellow tail is amazing.
So I went to the shrink and complained I wasn't successful so she says why don't you concentrate
on one career, focus on just being a writer or being a painter so I fired the shrink.
You know they say it ain't over till it's over but sometimes I think they say it's over
but really it's still going on.
But this time it's over for real I just can't get out of this box.
