I can't believe you're making me drive.
They have a special place in hell for people like you.
Well, that's what you get for trying to call in sick.
This job is about dedication, commitment, perseverance,
perspiration, things, evidently, you don't know anything about.
Look at me. I look like a spotted leper.
All lepereds have spots.
I said leper.
Are you kidding me with these gloves?
I don't think you should be handling people's luggage.
Hey, you doing back there? It's a hot one today, huh?
Oh, yeah, yeah. I...
I didn't even leave my hotel room once when I was in town.
I don't know how you locals do it.
I hear that, brother. Where are you headed?
Iowa.
Iowa?
Well, Iowa sucks.
Why would you want to go to a place like that?
Because I...
live there?
Oh, that sucks. I'm sorry to hear that, man.
I would move if I were you, just to any one of the other 52 states.
Okay, I'll keep that in mind. Thank you.
Yeah, just put it... put it under the hat.
Take it over.
All right.
Uh, hey, excuse me. I...
Are you sure you should be driving? You don't look so good.
Oh, that's because I feel terrible.
Uh, it's just another day at the office for this bucket of sunshine.
Okay, why is the bucket of sunshine wearing kitchen gloves?
Oh, yeah.
Glenn suffers from a condition called sweaty palm syndrome due to Arizona's natural heat
and also his natural tendency towards grossness.
But the kitchen gloves help him maintain a firm grip on the wheel.
Swe... sweaty palm syndrome.
Yeah, it's a science... it's a science thing.
Science thing?
Uh-huh.
Interesting. I've never seen that before.
Well, I bet there's a lot you have never seen before out there in the, uh, Apple State, Iowa.
It's... no, that's... different places.
Cornhuskers?
Nebraska.
The orange capital of the...
Four.
You just tell me what the next pickup is.
Yeah, uh, Cerellandry, 7431 DMN Road.
Diamond.
Diamond Road.
I'm gonna need you to clue the attitude, all right?
Don't forget whose van this is.
It's Uncle Jerry's van.
Well, there it is. There's that attitude again.
It's just... you just can't help it, can you?
Okay.
Hi.
Can you take that off your hands, little lady?
Okay.
You guys are cutting it kind of close.
Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, too.
Let me help you with your bag.
Okay, make yourself useful.
Welcome aboard Driving Arizona.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, your face.
What is that?
Um, you had to do it, didn't you?
You had to bring up his acne, as if he's not sensitive enough about it, is it?
Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.
I just... I've never seen acne like that.
Why would you think that's gonna make him feel better?
The only thing that'll make me feel better is an oatmeal bath.
Are you sure that that's acne and not an infection or something?
I'm only asking because I'm about to take a really long flight to the Philippines
and I don't want to spread anything.
Man, mom is healthy as a clam.
She's actually happy as a clam.
Don't you let them get in your head, Glenn.
All right, you just focus on the road.
And yes, it's happy as a clam.
It's healthy as a quail.
That's the colloquialism.
Anyway, next pickup is...
Clive Demons, 2888 Scottsdale Road.
Oh, no, you have another pickup?
No, we have three more pickups.
Oh, um, my flight leaves in 84 minutes.
Well, that's neat.
But see, here driving Arizona, we like to do this thing where we satisfy all of our customers
and not just one, do you understand?
Yeah, I understand, but um...
I think I'm going to have to take an Uber.
Uber? You want to do that? Those guys are crooks.
You hear about the one who get the dude with the hammer?
Oh, what the hell kind of thing is that to say?
I'm just stating facts, man. Don't blame the messenger.
Um, actually, if you could just drop me off around here, there's actually quite a few drivers around, so...
If that's what you'd like, we'd be happy to do that.
They don't call us the passenger pleasers for nothing.
But you should know that we don't offer any refunds.
That's okay. I only paid $34 for this ride, and I paid $1,700 for my flight.
You paid $1,700 for a flight to the Philippines?
That's insane. I would have driven you there for like half of that.
I just really need to make my flight.
Fine. Yeah, we'll drop you off. Stop the car.
Thank you.
Good luck.
Thank you so much for your business.
Thank you very much.
Oh, I know. I would be careful if I were you. I think that is contagious.
There you go, Dr. Quinn, medicine woman. Thanks for that official diagnosis back there. We really appreciate it.
Do we owe you like a copay for that, or is that totally covered by our insurance?
Thanks for choosing Driving Arizona. We'll see you.
What a complete waste of our time. That lady is never getting our business again.
Yeah, I don't think you have to worry about that.
No, I'm not worried about it. It's just what's gonna happen.
What's your 20?
Hey, Marge, we are en route to the airport with...
Wait, thank you, Glenn. I thought you called me to say it with the chicken pox.
No, no. Chicken pox?
Yeah, it's not. He got over it.
He kicked it this morning. He's got an amazing immune system. I wish I had what he has. He must take a lot of vitamin C.
Just please tell me you guys got Sarah Landry.
Oh, yeah, yeah. We dropped her off already. She's good to go.
And Mr. Vanderhoven?
Dropped him off at the airport too. They're both set.
We decided to cut our losses and get these two to the airport safely and then, you know, forgo the other three customers.
Well, the next three pickups are canceled anyway, so you don't have to worry about them anymore.
Sweet.
Maybe there is an oatmeal bath in my future.
I'm just glad you got Vanderhoven to the airport without any hiccups.
Word around the office is your Uncle Terry hired him to go undercover and investigate employee conduct.
No shit.
Haha.
You have a pen? That's it? A pen.
So who are you, man?
Who are you?
Look, man, I'm just a guy your uncle hired off Craigslist to go undercover and report on any suspicious behavior from you.
Just me? What about Glenn?
Hmm. Yeah, just you.
Wait a minute. So you came all the way out from Iowa just to spy on us?
I'm not from Iowa, Glenn.
How much is he paying you? Whatever it is, I'll double it.
75 bucks.
You have any cash on me?
Yes, on you.
I have, I have three dollars.
You are such a disappointment to me, Glenn.
Those are some pretty sweet high tops, Dwayne.
Oh, you're digging my kicks.
Oh, I'm digging your kicks.
It's starting to sound like maybe we can make a deal.
I think it's definitely sounding like that.
See, he doesn't have sweaty palms.
Yeah, he doesn't have chicken pox either.
You really need to see a doctor about this. It's really bad.
I know. I was planning on going to the hospital,
and then he pulled me out of bed to come to work today.
You know what a quarantine is, right?
Yeah.
Okay, you need one of those.
Yeah, just take a couple of quarantines before bed
and you'll feel better by morning probably.
I don't think that's what it is.
So, what's up, boys?
That, that color looks really nice on you, Uncle Jerry.
Thanks. Got a big watch. Makes me look thinner.
It certainly does.
Is that a joke?
No, you look very spelt these days.
It's clearly even eating different or working out.
You look amazing, is what I'm saying.
But you didn't come to talk about this. What is it?
What is it you needed?
Listen, boys, I just want you to know, don't get nervous.
I had a mole track in you guys.
A lot, a lot of customers complain about employee misconduct.
We don't take that lightly, okay?
We don't either.
No, we don't take that lightly.
Shut up, I'm talking.
Okay? Good news?
The mole said that you guys did great work.
Fucking surprising to me, but that's what he said.
Well, that makes sense, Uncle Jerry.
We learned from the best.
Shut the fuck up and stop kissing my ass.
Okay.
Okay, yeah.
Hey, you made Uncle Jerry really proud here.
Really proud.
That's what we tried.
Family, proud.
I got a little something for you.
Okay? Okay?
Hey, bam. Bam, look at that.
Oh, wow.
I want you, and I want you to go get a grand slam breakfast on Uncle Jerry.
Enjoy.
I don't want to touch you.
Hand him one.
I got fucking shit all over his arms, right?
That's incredibly generous, Uncle Jerry.
I don't know what to say.
I mean, honestly, if there was anything...
Shut the fuck up.
I can wipe them off the counter.
Never mind.
Thank you so much, Uncle Jerry.
I've only been able to afford top ramen since I got this job,
so it'll be really nice to have a fancy meal for once.
Is this your way of asking me for a raise?
If so, shut the fuck up and get out.
Hey, hey, hey.
You better go home and exfoliate.
You look disgusting.
Now, get out.
You're making me sick.
I'm telling them that.
Hold there.
Shut the fuck up.
You're the face of the company, I say, and he's like...
I'm just...
Sorry. You're right.
Sorry.
Fucking asshole.
Not a bad day, all told.
You're out three bucks, and I'm out a pair of shoes.
And I got those shoes at the Lost and Found at the YMCA.
Dwayne, you might be the worst person I've ever met.
What are you talking about? That's where I get all my shoes.
They want you to take them, otherwise the bin gets too full.
That's not how it works.
Sure it is.
No.
