Alcohol and drug abuse certainly isn't confined to the gay and lesbian community.
However, some of the issues we have to deal with in terms of internalized homophobia, the closet, et cetera,
certainly have a bearing in many cases on the rates of substance abuse within our community.
Here in LA, the Van S. Recovery House, now in its 21st year,
offers a highly specialized program for substance abuse patients within the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered community.
We're one of only three or four social model recovery houses in the nation that are targeted at our population.
And in recovery, that is unique because one of the fundamentals in staying sober is to not have secrets or to be telling lies.
And if you're in treatment and the first things they're telling you is, don't act gay here, don't be gay here,
they're feeding into your first lie or secret.
So most of the people that get to Van S. House have been through other treatment programs,
have made attempts at getting sober, and what it comes down to when they get here is that this is the first home
that many of them have ever had where they get to be exactly who they are.
So they tell me, they say, well, we probably have a little problems here
because, first of all, your transaction, we really don't know where to house you.
And then they told me, they said, well, I don't think I probably, the director told me,
he said, well, I probably don't think I have any problems, but I'm going to see how everything works out.
So they moved, they house me down there with the guys.
We had a Halloween party and I dressed up.
And it got to the director, you know, that I had dressed, you know, the way I normally dress.
And they asked me, did I do it? And I told them yes.
You know, this is my lifestyle and this is the way I live.
And so he said that, well, that's not a good enough excuse.
And I would very much appreciate you probably.
I mean, for you to find another program that can be more comfortable with you.
And I said, sure, no problem.
And a home is safe and someplace where, no matter what you do, you can always walk back through that front door.
I went to New York, I was sober for a year and two months at that time.
So I had some time in sobriety.
And what happened was I was not going to give into this relationship.
It was something that was not fixing me and I was lonely out there.
And so I ended up picking up drugs and alcohol one more time.
And I almost died this time out there, you know.
And so I called as soon as I got back into LA, I called Kathy Waddep and asked her if I could come back in the house again.
And she said, are you ready this time?
And I said, yes, I am.
So I believe you come on in.
I have been around long enough to know they're not all going to stay sober.
They're not all going to finish the whole 90-day program.
But if they will walk back through that front door and say, you know, I know it was safe to come here.
This is my home.
Then we've been successful.
And over the last five years, there's less than 10 people that I don't know where they are.
The reason I'm here at this program is that it was either a year of program or nine years state prison.
And of course, I took this year.
But in my mind, I said, OK, I'll take it.
As soon as I get there, I'll walk away from the program.
But the minute I walked in these doors of this house, I felt unconditional love.
A love that was not expecting me to give it back.
And I decided, OK, one week, I'll stay one week, and then I'll go out in the streets again and do my old thing.
And then that week passed by, and then I said, no, another two weeks.
And it went on and on and on, and something in me says, I never want to leave this program.
I can't even believe that I'm even sitting here, and I'm sober, 90 days today.
Growing up a gay child, I'm from the generation where you did not tell anybody.
You didn't tell your parents.
You didn't tell your friends in school.
If somebody asked you, you always said no.
And I had to do that for most of my life. I found myself still denying it when I was 22, even though it was a little obvious.
And I started not accepting myself.
I've heard the term internalized homophobia, and that is me.
We do a lot of work here on homophobia and learning to accept who you are,
and that it probably wouldn't have mattered what family you grew up in.
You probably still would have ended up one day at the Venice House because you have a disease and because you're gay,
and you didn't choose to ever, you know, fight to deal with those things.
I did not accept myself, you know.
Today I do accept my sexuality, because today my natural mother, my biological mother, she accepts me for who I am.
The only thing that she was bugged by was my overflamboyancy or my advertising of my homosexuality.
And that was the problem, acting like basically a screaming queen, you know.
Because she knew that wasn't who I was, and I know that today that's not who I am.
I do believe that I am a responsible person, and I believe that I don't have to put on those kinds of acts to be accepted as being gay.
But the myths here when people come in here is that they have done it to me.
You know, the reason I did it is because they teach me about being gay,
or my parents wouldn't do this, or my parents wouldn't do that.
And the truth when we get down to it in groups is that we are homophobic.
We are the ones who felt so yucky about ourselves that our answer was drugs or alcohol.
And we talk about that and how freeing it is to realize, well, the office didn't tell me I had to lie about if I had a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
I'm the one that automatically lied.
Or my mom really wasn't the one that threw me out of the house.
I ran out because I was too afraid to tell them the truth, or I was too afraid of their reaction.
I knew that I was different from my sisters and my brothers when I was about six.
So I was never part of the family at that point. I never felt part of the family.
Although they didn't know, but in me I knew that I was not part of the family.
I went throughout those years not accepting the love they were giving me because I felt that I didn't deserve it.
I was in this little perfect daughter they wanted.
And I went like that through 15 years old.
At 15 I got involved in a relationship and felt comfortable and felt the feelings that ever since I was six years old I've been hiding.
I was hiding and getting involved in a relationship was great.
At that point I felt that I had to choose between my family and this relationship.
I was 23 and I'm 46 now so I've been using for 23 years.
I don't know why. I had been exposed to it.
My mother was a heroin addict, morphine addict, alcoholic.
So I was very exposed to it at a young age. I just never tried it.
And then when I decided to do it I just went and bought the dope and injected it on my own.
I just really wanted to try it. I don't know why I did. I just did.
In 1985 within that year I had still owned my home in a huge giant Mercedes.
And within that same year I had done seven armed robberies in Santa Monica and went to prison.
And that's where my disease had got me.
I still had little places to live but by the early 90s I had an apartment in the Melrose district
and I used to go into downtown L.A. to buy my drugs and one day I thought that since all the drugs and all the alcohol were here
I would just stay there so I stayed there. I left everything in my apartment and never went back.
I went back in the winter as a bag lady and slept in the basement.
But that's the kind of stuff I used to do.
And when I left that apartment then I ended up for almost two years on Skid Row.
Unfortunately our waiting list is very long.
When somebody calls and they've decided they are ready to stop drinking or using
they're told that our waiting list is anywhere from six to eight weeks.
And that's awful.
And I think in this next year we're going to look to expand our services and see if we can do a offer more.
It takes a lot of money to expand services and we've got a grant, a Ryan White Care Act 2 grant
to start a day program for the people on the waiting list.
When you call in and you get on our waiting list and you're not working and you live here in town
you're invited to come every day from nine o'clock in the morning until after the AA meeting at night
which is ten o'clock and you get your meals and you get the program that the residents get.
You just have to find somewhere else to sleep at night.
And that's been real successful because what happened before this we would lose people.
I mean we've actually had people die on the waiting list.
I had tried to get in here before I used to come here loaded and tell her please let me in.
I was addicted to methadone and she couldn't take me in.
So I had been calling, I'd get on the waiting list and I'd stay sober for a few days or weeks
I can't remember and then I would go out again.
So they have a long sheet on me of how many times I was trying to get in.
But when I had called and had the 40 days I think I was pretty sure that I wanted to do.
This is what I wanted to do and so she really helped me a lot.
We have 20 beds and we stay full.
I mean if somebody leaves here for whatever reason within 24 hours that bed is full again.
I mean we know where the people are on the waiting list and we get them in here.
The day program has anywhere from 8 to 20 people participating in it on any given day
and there's about 25 to 35 people on the waiting list.
I had been hospitalized in September, mid-September and I was in their chemical dependency program
and I was told about this place and I called every day while I was in there
on the 11th day when I got out I came to this house and I was told about the day program here
and so I basically went for it.
I just threw myself into it completely and that lasted about a month and a half
and I've been a resident here for approximately 28 days
and so far so good I've learned a lot about myself.
It's been a real soul-searching experience.
I'm 30 years old and I don't even really know who I am
and for the most part I've been trying to get sober since I was 20
and here's where you learn structure.
In the 90 days what our goal is is to take you from the streets and whatever your environment has been
to being a productive member of society.
It's a social model house and basically you're interacting with people every day having to follow rules.
These are things that I didn't want to do and I'm doing them.
I'm succeeding. I've learned how to cook here.
I've learned how to be a friend.
I'm going for my GED here.
I take a computer classes here through JTPA so I'm learning a lot
so I can be a responsible person.
It's been a week but I have a place to live and I have a job
and I've been going to school working and studying chemical dependency.
I haven't seen my son for four and a half years.
When he was 20 he left.
He's at UC Berkeley in pre-med right now
and he left because he left me and went to Santa Barbara
and finished at UCSB and now he's in Berkeley
but he left because he told me every time the phone rang
he thought it was the morgue and he couldn't go to school
and he couldn't concentrate so I needed to break away from him and he did
and I just started speaking to him again and he's going to see me in about two weeks.
What leads me to drink is letting someone take care of me
and not me taking care of myself.
And it's scary even today.
I'm afraid to leave this house because I'm afraid of what might happen
if I can take care of myself.
These are our skills I have to learn.
I'm thinking of a clear future.
I've always liked electronics.
Before I dropped out of high school I had a scholarship
to go and to D.V.I. here in Los Angeles.
So I'm planning on getting that back
and just setting myself a straight life of going back to college
you know.
It's just so much I want to do being sober now
that eventually I'll do it but
I really can't predict of what I'm going to do in my life
because all I can say is that I'm taking one day at a time
and you know for today I'm sober and I'll go look for a part-time job
you know hopefully just one day at a time I'll add to a sober life.
In becoming executive director I became the first alumni
and the first woman executive director in the 20-year history
and having gone through the house and having gone through the house
and not stayed sober I have a great in-road in a sense of knowing
and I was in lots of other treatment places
before I finally got sober and stayed sober.
The only reason I'm sitting here today is because I got the message
that this was home and the morning after I'd been out getting loaded all night
I came back here.
I was a perfectionist I wanted to be the perfect daughter
the perfect everything and what sobriety has taught me
is that I'm a human being who makes mistakes
and that I don't get to keep secrets about the mistakes that I make
and I get to grow from them.
And we talk about that and they see that with me
I mean they watch you know I'll get mad
or be sad or be hurt or whatever
and they get to see that there's no myth that Kathy can handle it all.
