I remember one specific moment I was sitting in the office in the middle of a panic attack
and shaking and sobbing and just freaking out and I don't know really why or understand
the fullness of what I was saying but I just kept repeating over and over Jesus hold my
hand Jesus hold my hand Jesus hold my hand and at that point I didn't have a relationship
with God but that was just what was coming out of my mouth and I guess at that moment
I just needed to feel Him close.
I played sports a lot growing up and so during the summer I was gone doing tournaments and
so church was just something that was set off on the back burner but the beginning of
my eighth grade year actually started going to church regularly got involved in a small
group in eighth grade I started to have these panic attacks and I didn't really know what
was going on in the moment all I knew was that I would start to shake and my arms would
start to go numb and I would start to get this breathless feeling and the whole room
would come crashing down or feel like it was just closing in on top of me.
I told my parents was telling them about this and they didn't really understand I didn't
know how to put it into words myself so it was hard for them to really get a grip on
what was happening and so we went to the doctor and they ran a bunch of tests and a couple
weeks later I found out the results and everything has come back normal which would be good in
most cases but for me it was just further confirming that I was going crazy that no one understood
and that I was completely alone.
In January of my eighth grade year one of my good friends her dad passed away that really
marked my life more than I think I understood at the moment so coupled with the anxiety
and the fear now the loss of someone that I loved and these thoughts began in my head
and it was like the way that a song gets stuck in your head and you have the same phrase
over and over and over but instead of a song it was a picture of me killing myself.
At first it wasn't something that I really, I didn't want to do, this isn't something
that I wanted to happen to me but the more you see it the more you feel and experience
something like that it almost became something that I was questioning like is this really
do I want this, is life really worth living right now.
I remember the moment when I finally told my mom and that's not something that is easy
to tell someone and I remember her just like I think that was the moment when all of this
anxiety started to become real to her and that I remember the next day that's when we
started to pursue counseling and got involved with an incredible counselor and I was told
that I'm not actually going insane and it's just anxiety and these thoughts are not something
that only happens to you but this is something that lots of people go through.
Going into high school, going into my freshman sophomore year, it began to feel like death
was something that was consistent and a constant in my life because from the loss of my friend's
dad in eighth grade all the way through my senior year someone I loved died every year
and it just began to feel like God took delight in taking things from me.
First it was my peace and my sense of reality and my comfort and living and then it was people
that I love last year coming up on the first year anniversary of my grandpa's death.
I remember being in my dorm room late at night just like grieving over the loss, the loss
of his life but also the loss of everyone else in my life and I remember it just being
in this moment crying out to God saying, God who are you going to take from me this year?
Like I was mad, I was frustrated and I just wanted to feel like for once I wasn't going
to have to grieve the loss of someone that I loved.
So last year was the first year since I was in eighth grade that no one that I loved passed
away and just that little answer to prayer really shifted my perspective of who God
is to me and the fact that he's good.
In the same way he used music to just speak to me about who he is and about what worship
is and in the middle of a panic attack I would use the guitar to just calm myself whether
that was playing the same chord or a song I would play for hours just trying to find
peace and God met me there every time and we don't even have to understand or fully
grasp what has happened or have the words to say but just in bringing it out with open
hands it allows God to begin to heal us and to begin to show us who he really is.
Thank you.
