Dwayne, someone named Glenn the dummy keeps calling you.
Yeah, he's really bad at recognizing
when a man just needs some time alone
with his girl and the company van.
Aw, baby.
We had plenty of that time. Here.
Wow.
Hey, dummy, what do you want?
It's not a toy, Glenn. It's a Ford.
An E350 XLT.
You got 300 horses under net hood,
just ready to gallop at your command.
You need to show that some respect.
Hank, I'm a man of great respect.
Every time I step into that van, I treat it as if I'm my mother.
Really? Why do you think I'm a man of great respect?
I feel bad for her.
I mean, you have any idea how much
Uncle Jerry pays for ceramic brake pads?
Well, I mean, if it's anything like turtle wax,
then probably not very much.
It's nothing like turtle wax.
And if I find one more goddamn taco bell wrapper net...
Hank, I'm a pescatarian.
I don't give a shit where you go to church.
Don't let it happen again.
Otherwise, me, you, and our other shithead cousin, Dwayne,
won't be able to do anything about it.
And again, otherwise, me, you, and our other shithead cousin, Dwayne,
we're gonna take a walk all back.
And I'm gonna bring my four-way.
And I'm gonna find out if you're standard or if you're metric.
Get in!
Who's she?
This is Sasha.
Are you a passenger?
No, I'm his lover.
Dwayne, can I request a sidebar?
Sure.
As long as it's right over here next to my window.
And it takes, like, 30 seconds.
And I am not committed to listening to anything you say.
She's even looking at me.
I don't think he even knows how he appears to other people.
You know, he's one of those people with, like, no self-perception.
Because if he knew, he'd just stop everything and change him.
So, hey.
Should I tell her she needs to sit in the back?
Or are you gonna...?
Oh, yeah.
You know, I would totally, like, lay this Mac down.
But instead, why don't we just forget about company policy
for one second and be fucking gentlemen?
Yeah, I just talked to Hank and we're not really in a position
to be overlooking company policy.
He's mad.
And that guy's just kind of scary.
All right, well, let me put it to you this way.
If she sits in the back seat, she's gonna puke on everything.
All right?
She suffers from severe motion signals.
And she's the most perfect little...
Hey, where'd you go?
You mean perfect?
I think.
Artie, you're perfect.
What is all this stuff?
It's my things.
I'm fumigating my apartment.
I got bed bugs again.
You getting new sheets this time?
No.
I'm friends with the night manager at the Manzanita Motel
in Apache Junction.
And for a bottle of fireball, he left the linen closet open.
And I was able to walk away with a comforter and sheets.
Wayne, that's disgusting.
Uh, yeah, disgustingly clever.
Huh?
Anyway, this time I decided to pocket the prudium for the motel.
And I took Miss Sasha here to the powdery paradise
that is the Snowball Ski Resort and Flagstaff.
Yeah, it's the Aspen of Northern Arizona.
Unfortunately, they're out of snow for the season.
So we just drank for six days instead.
Yeah.
It still doesn't explain why all your personal effects are in here.
Um, actually it does.
Like, really clearly.
But if you're too obtuse to know that,
then I just...
I don't know, there's no helping you.
Oh, and please don't touch my stuff.
Don't touch your shit?
Are you touching your shit?
What's the matter with you?
Put your feet up.
Your feet are on her length of rope.
Put them up.
Hold that.
I'm very, very sorry.
That's okay.
You're so fucking sexy.
Thanks, baby.
Can you get your feet off my dashboard, please?
Why?
Because they're filthy and I don't want them on my dashboard.
Well, you didn't think they were filthy
when you were sucking on them last night.
Or maybe I did think they were filthy
and I was just being a gentleman about it.
What's your status?
We are good to very good.
So you picked up John Cochran.
Uh, we'll be there in no time.
As long as Sasha gets her feet off my dashboard.
They're not even dirty, Dwayne.
They're so dirty.
All I see is dirt.
Who is Sasha?
Sasha is, uh...
Sasha is just a little nickname I have for Glenn.
Because he's always Sasha-ing around town.
Just sucking off the boys.
Look, this is my office, all right?
It's not some Turkish bath house.
Will you show me some respect?
You just think you're so much better than everybody
because you manage some airport shuttle company.
Yeah, he's not a manager.
What?
Oh, so you're a liar.
Wow.
You know what?
I'm over this.
I'm gonna be back.
What about your car sickness?
Yeah, it's with my van. I don't care if I drop off.
You what?
If you think you're gonna puke, then stay in the front.
Oh, you know what?
If I have to look at Dwayne's obtuse face
for one more second,
I'm gonna projectile vomit everywhere anyway.
Well, I don't think so, lady.
The only person projectile vomiting
in this motherfucker is me.
Because I'll be thinking about the last time I kissed you
for some reason.
You're an egomaniac.
You're an egomaniac.
Shut up.
Good afternoon, Mr. Cochran.
Welcome aboard Driving Arizona.
Let me take that bag off your hands.
Hi. Hi. Thank you.
Please.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So, um, I guess I'll just take a seat anywhere?
That's the general idea, buddy.
Come on.
What the fuck, Dwayne?
God damn it.
What airline?
Abiaco.
Abiaco? Oh, international.
We got a fancy boy in our hands.
This company is horrible.
Just so you know.
Uh, just so you know,
that is not an actual customer.
That's just a woman I sleep with from time to time.
Oh, thank you for all that information.
Um, did you say thank you?
Thank you?
A word that a real gentleman would use?
Thank you.
Uh, two words that an actual gentleman would use.
What do I know you from?
I still know.
How do I know you?
I just, I guess I have one of those faces.
No, you don't.
I mean, I guess it's possibly saw me on seasons 23
or 26 of Survivor, the latter of which I won.
What?
What happened to the former of which?
What happened there?
Was it just a bad day?
Oh, what was that?
Sorry, I was distracted thinking about the day
that I won a million dollars.
Oh, my God.
I almost didn't recognize you without your sunburn.
Your Cochran.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
It's such an honor to meet you.
I'm Sasha.
Before we get all excited about who's been on, like, TV show,
I think we should remember that I very nearly
was on season 14 of Room Raiders.
Very nearly.
Meaning he wasn't at all.
I was this close.
It was me and one other guy,
and then went with an ethnic.
You know, Savannah's a very distinct aroma.
Yeah.
You seem to be wearing a little ooo to judgment yourself,
buddy.
So, what's it like being a millionaire?
Do you just, like, get massages all day
and just eat Benihana all night?
Yeah.
Yeah.
What are you doing slumming it with the best airport
shuttle service in Arizona?
Shouldn't you be taking, like, a stretch escalate?
Shut up, Dwayne.
Well, I'm trying to shrink my carbon footprint
and not in a rush or anything.
I love environmentally conscious guys,
and I think it is so cool that you are not in a rush.
Too bad jokes on you, Cochran,
because I have not had a smug chick in, like, six years.
Show the man a little respect.
According to Wikipedia, he outwitted a comic book artist,
a software CEO, and a bartender.
He's like the Richard Branson of Surviving on an Island.
Kind of looks like him, too.
Yeah, well, let's not forget that the real Richard Branson
owns his own island, and he has, like, 400 people
just keeping him alive.
Anyway, so, when you won, what did you buy
when you got that check for a million dollars?
Well, I actually got a mountain bike.
Oh, that is so cool.
I love mountain biking.
Where do you ride?
Well, it's still in the box.
It didn't come assembled.
Oh, that is so cool.
She means what did you buy with the other part
of the million dollars, the, like, million minus 400 dollars?
Well, I did open a chain of high-end water parks
in Southeast Asia.
That is so cool.
I love water parks.
I used to go all the time when I was a kid.
Yeah, I figured it would be the next Starbucks,
but with, you know, climate change and rising sea levels,
most of my parks ended up flooded.
Now I owe the People's Republic of China
upwards of $6 million in punitive damages.
Anyway, now I'm saddled in debt,
and I'm taking the skills I learned on Surviving
and just fleeing to the Glopagus.
Cochran, if you are asking me to come with you to the Glopagus,
I mean, that's kind of...
I definitely will.
I definitely will!
That's enough of that.
Jesus, Dwayne!
I graciously invite you into my van.
I graciously extend you an offer
to take you to the airport at a nominal fee.
And how do you repay this kindness?
By wooing my girlfriend with Tails of Water Parks in China.
Oh, now I'm your girlfriend?
Because when he got in the van, I was just a girl
from time to time.
You and me are stepping outside, buddy.
No, I have no desire for that.
Please stay in the van, Mr. Cochran.
We're professionals, okay?
We'll have her to the airport in no time.
Probably.
I told you, this is the worst company ever.
Get out of here. We're settling this the old-fashioned way.
Oh, look, he seems very perturbed, though.
Do you want me to relax? You can't beat up a paying customer.
I'm not going to beat him up.
This is just that thing you do before the fight.
So what are we doing?
We're intimidating him.
Yeah, well, I don't think it takes much.
Yeah, I know. It's just a couple more minutes.
Hey, shitbag.
Get the shit out of this.
It's intimidating, though.
Shut up! Get out!
I've never even seen him take a swing at anybody
with, like, a dozen drinks in him,
and he only has had, like, I don't know,
five bloody Marys today, so it's fine.
And is that supposed to make me feel safe or comfortable?
Yeah, baby, it's supposed to be both.
Did not.
Moitai! Moitai!
You know what? You're right,
and we need to take control of the situation.
I just need to figure out what?
And I think I got it.
Oh, my God, you just gave me the best idea.
We just already...
No, I'm going to take what I learned from you
and take control of the situation.
How does Canada sound?
It sounds very far from the Galapagos.
It is! Here we go!
See you later, shitheads!
We might have overdone it with the intimidation thing.
There's going to be a tough one to explain, Uncle Jerry.
Not really.
A crazy woman and a deranged reality TV star
on the run from the Chinese government
made off of their van.
Well, when you put it that way,
it's not that far-fetched, right?
Hmm.
Let's go get a taco.
Okay.
I'm going to get a taco.
I'm going to get a taco.
Okay.
Let's go get a taco.
How's that?
