We interrupt this broadcast of The Real Housewives of St. Petersburg to bring you a Vista World
Special Investigative Report. This is Tad Bigley.
Good evening. I'm America's most trusted and milk toast news anchor, Tad Bigley, here
with the Vista World Special Investigative Report. In 1654, Puritan ruler Oliver Cromwell,
the self-proclaimed Lord Protector of England, banned theaters across the nation, proclaiming
them pointless enjoyment, and therefore sinful. In 1934, Joseph Goebbels, the chief propagandist
of Adolf Hitler in Germany, signed the Unified Theater Law, prohibiting all theater that
challenged Nazi ideals. There's no greater dictator in the land!
In 1984, Reverend Shaw banned dancing in the town of Beaumont, denying all those children
the right to boogie. And finally, on April 14, 2017, 152 years to the day since the assassination
of President Lincoln, President Donald J. Trump signed the Booth Security Act, effectively
banning all actors in the United States of America, from Amy Adams to Billy Zane.
A number of factors went into the Booth Security Act. Some analysts suspect that it was a safety
measure after he read a tweet about Lincoln's death and learned that John Wolf's Booth
was, in fact, an actor.
Vista World News has obtained the audio from the actual press conference announcing the
BS Act. I warn our younger viewers, the following contains graphic stupidity.
Actors are dangerous people, okay? It's true. I know this. They're liars, they're sex maniacs,
and they're murderers. Trust me. John Wick Booth, who murdered President Lincoln, a great
Republican, and I'm pretty sure Booth was a liberal. Pretty sure he was an ancestor
of Obama, and Booth was an actor. Actor skill presidents. Nobody. And I mean, nobody wants
that to happen here. Am I right?
The real reason Trump outlawed acting was because his little feelings were hurt by the
fact that pretty much every famous actor was making fun of him. The Twitter wars with
Alec Baldwin after the election really kicked it all off, I think. Mike Pence was booed
at Hamilton.
You just know it's still good.
Peter, I'm doing an interview.
You can just smell it. I'm not really...
I'm doing an interview. Mike Pence was booed at Hamilton, and Trump just started to believe
that all actors were against him.
Deporting actors became all that President Trump could talk about. He even started believing
that every actor wearing a wig was out to get him. Oh, you know, because of his hair.
Following Trump's lead, anti-actor sentiment began to spread throughout the country, with
the disenfranchised middle class saying that actors weren't paying their taxes, that they
were affiliated with terrorist groups, and worst of all, that they were taking jobs from
American workers.
I'm a manny. My boss is an eight-year-old with a gluten intolerance and a Pokemon Go
account. You want my job? Take it. Seriously. You can have it.
A nation without actors. That meant no more movies, no more theater, and no more television.
People would never find out if Sandra Oh returned to Grey's Anatomy, if John Snow and
Daenerys Targaryen would ever unite the Seven Kingdoms, or even if Glen dies.
What? With a baseball bat?
I need a minute. Cut.
In response to the BS Act, many actors were forced to go underground and act in secret.
Shall these enjoy our lands? Lie with our wives? Ravish our daughters?
It's the cops.
U.S. Immigration and Customs formed a sister organization solely focused on deporting actors.
They called themselves the Security Against Actors Group, or SAG.
Trump failed to see the irony.
Okay, you damn dirty actors. This illegal performance is shut down.
Actors, two arms!
Actors, advance!
Some fought, but their basic stage combat skills were no match for Trump's Russian-trained
SAG officers.
Fight, gentlemen of England! Fight, bold yeoman!
Spare your proud horses hard and ride in blood!
This is a far, far greater thing that I do than I have ever done.
This is a far, far greater rest that I go to than I have ever known.
The actors who managed to escape deportation tried to blend into everyday life, but it was difficult for them.
Okay, so that's one cheeseburger well done and one cheeseburger well done. Okay? I'll be right back with your drinks.
Say, you've got a pretty rich voice. Where did you learn to project like that?
Oh, just naturally loud, I guess. Hey, what's that one song in Hamilton? History is happening.
Oh, I wouldn't know. I'll be right back with your drinks.
I think it's history is happening in Manhattan, and we... and we...
And we just happen to be in the greatest city in the world, in the greatest city in the world!
You're coming with us.
It's the cops.
Perhaps someday a bold leader will come along and break Trump's ban on show business,
restoring life to theater and independent film everywhere.
But until that day, it looks like the show must not go on.
Hey guys, what is this? I'm not an actor, I'm a journalist. I'm a legitimate journalist!
Speak about modern news media! It's all real! It's all real!
It's the cops!
This has been a Vista World Special Investigative Report. Are we done here? Good. I'll be at the bar.
This is what we're gonna do! This is what we're gonna do!
